Alissaism

Inhabiting Gratitude

2011-08-10T08:52:00.004-04:00

A mother in Africa knows that there's no hope for her 6 month old who is dying of starvation. Mother's instinct drives her and tens of thousands of other women to walk with their children--and sometimes the children of other mothers--21 days in the desert for medical care, food, water.

I wonder how many people could eat off the food I toss out every week. How many people could drink the water I waste while rinsing my dishes after a savory dinner?

I suddenly find myself feeling... guilty, yes, but mostly....GRATEFUL. Grateful for every morsel that hits my tongue, for the all the bills I worry and complain about every 2 weeks, for the messy kitchen, the messy bedrooms, the crying baby.

If I have bills it's because I have a refrigerator with food in it, and a stove that I use daily to cook that food.

If I have a sink full of dishes and a messy kitchen, it's because I've mixed together spices--more in spices than the African woman has seen in food all month--and oil and vegetables and rice.

If I have to clean the bedroom, it's because we have more than enough clothes that they are spilling out of drawers and closets.

If my son cries in the night, it's because he's healthy. It's because he's nourished enough to have strong teeth pushing through his gums. It's because he knows that I can eliminate his hunger.

God has been grooming me for this. I wanted a heart that would be grateful in all circumstances, and now he has me on a mountaintop of gratefulness to see the bigger picture.

I know that eventually I have to come down from the mountain, but while I'm up here, I will make a habit-- a habitat-- of gratitude.

Just a number

2011-08-01T13:34:00.005-04:00

I saw it on the license plate of the Ford Escape parked next to the cabin.

I saw it again when I checked the time while sitting in the car in front of Subway.

...And again, as an exit number while traveling down the highway.

222

It's not a magic number, but it is a simple reminder to stop and remember He is here.

He knows I need to be reminded when I get caught up in tasks that need to be completed, stress that I can't shake off, worry over my husband or our son, or whatever unwelcome feeling that is accosting me that day. And in the midst of the spinning, and even in the desperate seeking after Him, He stops me in my tracks with that agreed upon sign: 222. And then a double portion....at 4:44 P.M.

I stop...smile...breathe...remember that all these things are not bigger or more eternal than God. He loves me and will show me that He loves me in whatever way He can get through to me. Sometimes that's a shooting star, and sometimes it's just a number.

Choking

2011-07-26T21:42:00.003-04:00

It was only 4 miles. Actually, it was a little less. Either way, it might as well have been 1000 miles.

I texted my friend at 10:30 this morning, "Do you still want me to come over today?" "Yes, if you could," she replied. I was thinking the same thing, "IF I can." Doubt began there, at 10:30 this morning, and it grew and grew. I tried to battle it, "Stop it! Stop.it. Stopit!"

By 3:00 this afternoon, driving 4 miles from home, then 4 miles back to my home became an unimaginable feat. Instead of driving the 8 mile round trip, I drove round and around in circles for 30 minutes trying to become used to the car, trying to talk myself out of this craziness.

How did I get back to this place? How do I move forward from here?

I've defeated this before. I know all the things I need to do and remember and say and pray. There is nothing that I can be taught about anxiety. I know my fears are all imaginations. What I fear has never happened, and that is fact. It's funny that I hide in my fears as if they are what has protected me this whole time. The logic is flawed: I feared. What I feared didn't happen, so fear must have kept it from happening. I know logically that if I had never feared in the first place I could have done it, and I could have done it unafraid!

I am caught in that circle--I am afraid of fear. You can't top that. The world and everything in the world has become something to be feared.

I know there has to be an end, a place where I can part the water all around me and breathe again. I've told other people dealing with anxiety about it. I have encouraged them with that because I had been there. Breathing. Living. Joyful.

But I can't seem to convince myself of that today.

Snapshots

2011-07-26T13:24:00.003-04:00

When I look at people's pictures of vacations, of girls night out, of adventurous weekend afternoons spent skiing on the lake or hiking in the woods, they are always smiling. In my mind, that is a snapshot of the majority of their lives. In my own pictures, I am usually smiling, but I know that is not representative of how I view life.

I don't mean to complain, but only to explain. I just wish my life was mostly made up of those snapshots (don't we all?). But the reality is if someone could take a photo of how I feel most of the time, the photo would be terrifying. I would be curled up in ball in a cobwebbed corner of my house. If you could see my face, you might be able to make out the pupils of my eyes through a film of black. I would be zoned out, focused not on the rays of sunshine pouring through the window, but on the frightening thoughts that never manifest on the other side of the black.

I am so afraid day to day. Things were going well for a while, but for some reason, lately, I am unable to leave my house again. Even the thought of leaving the house makes me feel dizzy. It makes me feel like I'm walking on jello and that I'm being ever more intensely choked.

A part of me gets so angry at myself. I've been through this before. I made it. I fought. I didn't give up. But today, I just want to give up. I'm ready to throw my hands in the air and just say, "That's it! I will accept never leaving the house again. I'm ok with that." And I would be ok with it for a while--until I see another picture of someone standing on a mountain or sitting on the shore at sunset or drinking a margarita with their girlfriends. My heart cries out for adventure, to soak in the beauty of God's creation, to fellowship with others, but mostly, to NOT have fear.

Praise You in This Storm

2011-07-06T21:47:00.004-04:00

She lifted up her hand, the ashes of her boy in a box in front her, and sang,

"And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm"

Praise God. Amen.

Ending it.

2011-03-22T13:19:00.003-04:00

I think I'm just going to give up on this blog, because I never write in it, and let's face it, when I do it's not very interesting. However, there's a lot of history in this blog.... is there any way to archive it??? Hm.

Passion

2011-02-20T16:21:00.002-05:00

As I write, my husband is playing NHL '10 on the Playstation. He screams and hollers when he makes a goal, and he berates the other players when they don't play smart. Sometimes I find myself instinctively saying, "Shhh" when he plays while the baby is sleeping. But today I really don't care. I've been thinking about him and "us" a lot today, and his passion, even the passion he has just playing a video game, is one of the things about him that I fell in love with. I don't tend to excited about much, so his passion is something I need in my life.

The picture above was taken right before we told our parents that we were planning on getting married in two months. See the difference in our expressions? My eyes express timidity and nervousness. I have my hands and my arms pulled in tight towards my chest and my head is turned in a way that makes it look like I'm trying to dodge a slap to the face. But Tom? Look at the joy in his eyes. See his confident smile? Notice how he's leaning forward as if waiting to race off the starting blocks. Joy. Confidence. Eager expectation. That's PASSION!

If you can understand passion, you will understand my husband. I love you, Babe!

Pain of Childbirth

2011-02-03T22:23:00.003-05:00

I am convinced that pregnancy, labor and delivery are actually the least painful parts of having a baby. The most painful part of having a baby lasts the rest of your life as this vulnerable little being wakes up every day into an evil world.

Observation or Self-Fulfilling Prophecy?

2011-02-01T13:48:00.005-05:00

*I wrote this post in two parts. Part one was written on Tuesday afternoon. Part two was written Wednesday morning. I didn't finish my part one thoughts before I had to leave. It's interesting to me to read them now in hindsight.*

Part One:

Right now a million thoughts are flying a million miles an hour. I had an appointment at 9:00 this morning that I missed because I thought it was at 10, so it got rescheduled for 4:00 this afternoon--just in time for this blizzard that we are supposed to be getting. No big deal, BUT I will have my precious baby boy with me in the car. We will be driving on a busy highway during rush hour in our old Malibu which is not all wheel drive. This frightens me. I don't even like to drive a mile to the grocery store in this weather with him in the car. Normally, I would cancel (though, of course, I shouldn't have taken the appointment in the first place), but I can't make phone calls because my cell phone service is suspended (sorry, Verizon, I'd rather pay my heating bill first). All these things spiral into a whole new realm of racing thought fragments:

breakdown..highway..freak out..no phone..no help..accident..freak out..no help..help me..can't go..can't cancel..must go..afraid..no phone..

I mean, I really have somewhat of a reason to worry in this situation. It's a threatening situation. But last weekend I realized that this is almost always how I think. I had planned to go to the bank and then go get dog food, but while I was at the bank I decided that I could go to Sears and pick up our portraits. As soon as I made that the decision, the race started:

"How far is the mall from here? There will lots of people there today. What entrance is closest to Sears? How far is the escalator from the door? I have to go up the escalator. What if I have a panic attack? How long will it take for me to get out? I hope the studio isn't busy so I can get in and get out. I'll give it five minutes." And on and on. I thought and thought and thought until I literally began to feel dizzy, my breathing became irregular, my palms started sweating, and I considered just turning around and calling the whole thing off. I wish I could stop it, but at least now I'm recognizing that I'm doing it. The fact is I've been doing it for years, but I just didn't realize it. Now I have to learn how to stop it. I want to be able to say, "I'm going to Sears," and then just go instead of making a million little mental stops along the way.

Part two:

Jesus said we can't add a second to our lives by worrying. Worry doesn't add life, but it sure can take it away.

Having said that, I can't gloss over the fact that what I worried about actually did happen to a certain extent. I didn't get stranded on the highway because I didn't take the highway. Problem solved, right? Wrong! As it turns out there are just as many morons driving on the back roads as there are on the expressways, only on the back roads you're passing people who, if they decided to swerve a little, would hit you head on. Not only that, but if you go off the road, you're hitting a ditch instead of a guardrail. And finally, if there is something hazardous in the road, on an expressway you take a cue from the cars ahead of you were are swerving to miss it. Not so on back roads! On back roads, you are the lucky one who discovers the hazardous object. This was the case for me. I didn't see it as I was approaching it. I just heard a loud thump and looked in my rearview mirror to see what I had run over. Still couldn't see it. It wasn't until I got to where I was going and I was unloading the car seat from the car that I heard a "Ssssssss" noise coming from my tire. Low and behold, an hour later, my tire was completely flat. So, there I was stranded, with a flat tire and no phone....and it wasn't quite as frightening as I imagined it would be. First of all, I was stranded in a warm building. And guess what! OTHER PEOPLE HAVE PHONES!

To recap: First, I worried about getting stranded and it happened anyway. Worrying about it didn't magically keep it from happening, it just made me miserable in the meantime. Secondly, even though it happened, the situation wasn't nearly as dire and life-threatening as I imagined it would be. Even if it had been worse, I'm sure I would have dealt with it just fine.

Hmm, I really must stop wasting my life with worry....

I dare you not to laugh :)

2011-01-31T21:36:00.003-05:00

After watching this, it's hard to imagine that for six weeks I thought he hated the world. I was becoming so exhausted from his crying and my not knowing how to make him stop. I seriously thought he would need a baby shrink. But on the day that he turned 6 weeks old, he smiled for the first time. Then, a few weeks later on Christmas day we heard a little laugh straight from his belly. Every day since then, I spend a certain amount of time trying to make him laugh. Every day it's something different. This day, for some reason, "ah-choo" had him busting a gut. I'm so glad I got this on video!

I'm a Bloggy Girl in a Bloggy World

2011-01-31T20:44:00.003-05:00

I am a bored wife and mother. Apparently, there are millions of us out there, and apparently we all are required to have a blog. I'm way ahead of the soon-to-be wives and/or mothers out there because I started my blog a long time ago when I was single. I would love to blog more, but I really have nothing interesting to say, and I'm not an expert at cooking on a budget, coupons, crafts, homeschooling, child-rearing, or making things to stock my etsy shop. But I'll try to blog more. I'll try to become more interesting. I'll try to blend into this blog world.

Something to die for

2010-12-31T09:01:00.002-05:00

I've been following a blog by a mother of 6 children who lost her 22 month old on December 12th. Never before could I have felt her pain like I feel it now that I have my own little boy. His first few weeks of life I didn't like him very much. He cried all the time and he wouldn't let me sleep. He shook up our lives and made me feel more vulnerable than I've ever felt before. But gradually I got to know him and I began not only to love him, but to like him. And now I wouldn't think twice about giving my life to save his. Unfortunately, tragedy is the loudest and most clear reminder to love while you have the chance.

Thomas Alvin Case V is finally here!

2010-10-27T19:32:00.012-04:00

*Our baby was born October 19, 2010 at 3:52 A.M. I actually started writing this the week after he was born, but I've been a little busy to publish this :)*

The last time I felt this way was after our wedding. To everyone else, a wedding or a birth is just another wedding or birth--another event. For me, these events made this life stand still while another life and world, totally separate from this one, was created. I was changed there, and now I am left to reconcile my two lives into one. It is a bittersweet transition.

I was admitted to the hospital Sunday morning after experiencing some strong, but irregular contractions from about 2 A.M. Saturday morning until 7 A.M. Sunday when we finally called the doctor and were told to head to the hospital. We spent a couple hours in triage while they monitored me for some progression. Thankfully, I progressed enough to be admitted. At the time, I couldn't imagine being sent home only to have to make the trip back to the hospital later. We only live 3 miles from the hospital, but the first trip over the torn up city roads was the only trip I wanted to make. Besides that, we had already told our parents that we were headed to the hospital...therefore, the parents were also headed to the hospital. Had we known how long it would be until baby Tommy would be here, we would have had them wait a while before making the trip. Bless their hearts for enduring 2 days and 2 nights in the waiting room!

As you can imagine, Sunday was a very exciting day for everyone. We were at the beginning of the mental game. I was managing the contractions well by singing, dancing, soaking in the jacuzzi tub, and relaxing. At about 2 A.M. Monday morning, I had my first emotional breakdown when I was told that I had not progressed at all within the last 8 hours. I hadn't slept, I had eaten very little, and as I was in progressively more pain, I was finding that many of my coping techniques were expiring. Besides that, my water hadn't broke, which was making progression an even more difficult task. I was becoming less consolable. Around 10 A.M. Monday morning, I finally took the doctor's advice to take a morphine shot so I could get some sleep and relax. I thought I had slept for only a half hour, but I found out later I slept for about 2 hours. At the end of the two hours, my water broke. We thought for sure that progression would come quickly now, so we took "thumbs up" pictures and prepared ourselves to meet our new baby in 4 hours.

But 4 hours later, our baby still wasn't here. It was determined later that my uterus simply was not contracting hard enough for me to dilate on my own. This meant Pitocin would have to be administered--a strong indicator that my hopes to have a drug-free birth would be dashed. We tried some natural techniques for increasing the strength of the contractions, but we were not successful.

Finally, at about 9:00 Monday night, exhausted but feeling like I had fought a good fight, I ordered an epidural. Pitocin was administered soon after that. I felt good about my decision and that it was absolutely necessary at that point. Looking back, I'm sure I would have died of exhaustion if I had not gotten the epidural.

Anyway, the epidural was great! I could still feel and move my left leg and I could move my right foot. I could also feel some of the contractions, but I could not feel pain. So, I slept for a few hours (at least that's what I'm told. I don't remember much about the hours after the epidural). I woke up and a couple hours later I felt a very strong urge to push. They checked me and I was told NOT to push! HA! 20 minutes later, I told them I HAD to push, and again was told that even though I was 10 centimeters dialated, I could not push until the doctor got there. Thankfully, she lives in the neighborhood only 5 minutes from the hospital. Once she got there I was told that the pushing stage would take 2-3 hours. HA! I had been in labor for 72 hours, so I determined I would NOT push for any more hours. Thirty minutes later, my baby boy was lying on my chest!

Looking back, it was quite an amazing experience! For me, it was more of a mental/emotional challenge than a physical challenge, but it was a fun challenge. Even though I had moments when I was ready to throw in the towel and when I swore off any future pregnancies, the whole experience was one-of-a-kind that I will cherish forever.

Dear Baby Boy

2010-10-11T12:08:00.003-04:00

Dear Baby Boy,

Today everyone expects to meet you. I don't think you'll come today because I haven't been showing any of the normal "signs" that labor is about to start, but maybe after I write this letter to you we'll both be more confident about making today your birthday.

I felt like I needed to write to you in order to come to the realization that you are not just an ever-growing, no-hassle, movement in my stomach, and to hopefully give us both some confidence in me. Baby Boy, the truth is that I'm scared. I'm afraid of the unknown. I don't know when you'll decide to come; I don't know how you'll decide to come; I don't know how long it will take or much it will hurt. I do know the "you" that I can reach down and touch, but I don't know the "you" that can reach up and touch me. I love you as much as I can right now, but I don't think it's enough, and that scares me too. I don't even call you by your name when I talk about you; you're always "the baby." Have you noticed that? It's not that I'm detached from you emotionally, it's just that I don't know you as a person yet--I only know you as the movements in my stomach that are covered by my skin and protected by my body. You're not your own person yet; you're still a part of me. I only worry about or love the things that I can love about you right now. For instance, I worry when I haven't felt you move much during the day, but I love when I can see your back moving up and down with your practice breaths (and I also love when you make your dad giggle by giving him a few kicks in the back!).

I have so many doubts about my readiness and ability to be a good mother. When I used to think about my future, children were always a part of it, but I never imagined my future would eventually become my present reality. I think that's another reason I'm scared. I'm a dreamer and a planner. Those two things don't seem to go hand in hand very well. In my dreams, you just existed and I was a great mother. In reality, you were conceived much sooner than I had planned. In reality, I had to wait 9 nauseous, weight-gaining, body morphing months for you. Once you are born I have to practice patience and faith, and I have to realize that I will fail, and I need to accept that there will be days where you come very close to hating me. These are the things that I have to plan and prepare for, but they don't line up with the dream. On the other hand, I should plan that there will also be days where I'll feel like a competent mother just because I was able to feed you when you were hungry, or because a kiss made your boo-boo all better, or because I was able to make you laugh. And I will absolutely melt when you reach out for me for the first time, or when you open a door for me, or when you tell me that I look pretty.

I guess what I need to tell you (and myself) most of all right now is that none of the whens, wheres, hows, and what ifs matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. God is our Creator. Whether we choose to believe it or not, He knows our deepest desires and He loves us more than we can imagine. Put those two things together and why should we ever be afraid? It's simple, but it's not easy because you have to resist your enemy's negative but totally plausible suggestions (we'll be talking more about this when you get older).

So, I'm going to fight for faith this week as I wait for you. Despite the doubts and fears that creep into my head, I'm going to trust that God knows what he's doing and that I can do all things through Him! That's such an amazing truth that I hope we do well in showing you.

I'll see you soon, Tommy! I love you!

Your mother.

The Gift of Birth

2010-09-17T11:53:00.002-04:00

I've just begun week 37 of pregnancy. That means I only have 3 more weeks (give or take) until I meet this little guy. It's been quite a journey!

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was more horrified than I was excited. After all, I was in the midst of one of the worst periods of anxiety I've ever had in my life (How could I take care of a baby when I can't even take care of myself?), I had only been married for 3 months (We haven't had enough time to establish our marriage!), and worst of all, I would have 9 months of no control over my body. It took a few weeks to get used to the news, a few more weeks to accept it, and it wasn't until I was 19 weeks along, when I began to see the tiny twitches of his body against my stomach, that I began to feel an emotional attachment to my baby.

Most of my second trimester was great. I felt really good, and giving birth, while I knew it would happen "some day," seemed like an eternity away, so I didn't worry about it. The first day of my third trimester the labor, the pain, the unknown became all too real to me. I got really serious about learning relaxation techniques, became educated about exactly what would happen on D-day, and generally became a bit more anxious about that day. But earlier this week, I spent some time with God laying down my worries at His feet. While I was praying, He helped me to realize the TRUE wonder of what was going to happen!

I get to deliver God's creation from my own body...

I get to witness God being Creator first-hand...

I get to partake in a love between God and me, Tom and me, and my baby boy and me that I have never yet known...

I get to give my husband a gift of love that no one else on earth has or ever will be able to give him, and I get to receive likewise!

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of birth!

Recipe: Avocado Burrito

2010-09-03T11:52:00.003-04:00

I have been a vegetarian for about 4 years. I must say, I have yet to figure out how to really eat a vegetarian diet. For the first year, I ate very simply. For example: I'd eat a couple pieces of fruit for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and whole wheat pasta with broccoli and olive oil for dinner. I can't say I've made a whole lot of progress since that first year, and I would have to say that I've even digressed since I got pregnant. My poor baby is going to exit the womb craving pizza and peanut butter! But every once in a while I'll fix something up that is quick, healthy, and tasty. This is an extremely easy and filling (and quick, healthy, and tasty) lunch I made for myself today.

1 whole wheat tortilla
1/2 avocado
1/2 cup diced tomato
1/4 cup mozzarella cheese
1/3 cup black beans
Salt to taste

Mash up the avocado and spread it on the tortilla. Add the rest of the ingredients. Fold the tortilla. Eat, and be filled!

New Week New Worries

2010-08-08T23:27:00.002-04:00

There is no doubt that this pregnancy has been a prime time for God to teach me about trust, love, and relationships. The lessons are essentially the same, but over time the focus has changed from me to this baby and me, and finally to God and this baby and me.

Seven months ago, my main concerns were: "How will I get through this? How will this change my relationship with my husband? Do I have what it takes to get through this pregnancy? What symptoms will I experience? Will I be able to handle them?" Ten weeks ago, the concerns were about the health of the baby: Are all his limbs present? Is his brain developing correctly? How could I handle it if he died? And in the last few weeks I've begun to worry about the relationship we'll have. Will he recognize me when he's born? Will he love me? What if he doesn't like me? Will he want to tell people how wonderful his parents are? When I think about those questions I comfort myself, justifying, "Of course he'll love me! I'm his mother. I'm his life source. We've been attached all this time, his love will come naturally." I hope that this baby chooses to love me; that he'll know that I love him; that he won't be ashamed of me, and that he'll be proud to have me as a mother. But the reality is that this is as close as we'll ever be. Once he is outside my body, that's when he begins to have choices. I'm convinced that giving birth is taking a huge risk with your heart.

I can't help but wonder if I may be getting a glimpse of how God felt when he chose to conceive Adam and Eve. I wonder how badly it hurt when he gave birth to humankind, knowing that he also had to give them free will...and that they would grow further from him for it. That some of his children would not love him or even recognize him. Some of his children would claim to love him, but would never talk to him, or try to live like him, or tell others that they have a Father and that he is the greatest Father ever. I know God isn't naive enough to think that humankind's love for Him would come naturally just because he created us, but I know he does say, "I love you! Love me back! I'm your life-source! I've always been attached to you; I hold you in my right hand!"

No doubt God took a risk with his heart when he created human beings.

New Baby Bump Pics

2010-06-11T12:44:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm pretty sure I have now graduated from looking like I ate a large dinner to actually looking like I'm pregnant. Last week I actually got my first "pregnancy privilege" as two ladies let me go in front of them in the line at the grocery store :) I still wasn't sure even then that I looked pregnant...until that special moment at the store.

I've been feeling pretty good this trimester. I've had more energy and much less/no nausea. I'm feeling much more ready to meet this little guy, but I'm glad there's still 17 more weeks to go. God really knew what he was doing when he gave mommies-to-be 9 months to prepare physically, mentally, and emotionally for a baby. I seem to be growing right along with him :)

20 weeks

22 weeks

23 weeks

recurring dream

2010-06-08T11:25:00.003-04:00

I've been talking with a couple of friends of mine about the weird dreams we've been having lately. Now I'm not a crazy dream interpreter that thinks that all dreams have some hidden meaning. You can't tell me this dream is anything but random: One of my friends was in a singing competition at church, but her hoodie got ripped. When she and I and her husband were on our way to Wendy's in a speedboat that was actually a canoe, we started being chased by another boat. Of course, there were whales in the water and we almost fell out and were eaten by whales. Despite surviving manhunt lead by savage humans and hungry whales, we tragically did not make it Wendy's for our frosties before I woke up.

Dreams like that are a nice rest from the recurring one I've had for the last few months. All the dreams vary slightly, but have the same frightening details. 1.) there is an evil presence that I can't see, 2.) I can't turn on the lights, 3.) either I can't speak or I'm not heard, 4.) I am never touched or harmed in the dream, only frightened. The first time I had a dream like this was probably the most frightening because it started in a scene that almost exactly duplicated a scene that took place right before I went to sleep...only in my dream the lights were out. I was sitting next to my husband on the couch and all I could see was his profile against the dim light coming in the window from the outside. I kept trying to ask him to turn the light on, but I couldn't speak and it seemed that even if I could have, he wouldn't have been able to hear me. Gradually, I became frightened and I began to feel something evil in the room with us. It became more and more urgent for me to have the lights on and I kept trying to scream at my husband to turn the lights on but he couldn't hear me! Finally, I said "Get behind me Satan" and I could feel the presence right behind me hovering over my right shoulder.... I woke screaming and had a hard time calming down after that.

I know these dreams have some real-life significance to them. Before I ever say anything to the evil in the dream, I always think, "do you really believe the words you're saying, or are you hoping these words will just perform a magic trick for you?" When there is such a presence of fear it's easy to pull out all the verses and godly language just to get myself out of the fearful situation, but if I don't really believe it or have faith in God's authority, how much good will it do? That seems to be the main point in these dreams. When I'm awake and I think about this, I have to admit that I know that God has the authority over Satan and fear, but I honestly don't think I'm completely convinced of it. My first reaction in my dreams is fear. My first action is to try to turn on the light or call out to someone. My last action is to call out to God. So now my goal is to react in faith instead of fear and to rely on God's authority over Satan...both in my dreams and in real life....

Test of Faith: The Result Show

2010-05-25T11:59:00.002-04:00

A couple weeks ago I wrote about the impossible financial situation we were in. I chose to trust God and I was blessed with peace about the situation. And now I have a story to tell!

Here's the math:

$90 - what we were left with after paying bills
$180 - what we needed for Tom to get to work for the next two weeks
$60 - what we needed for groceries for two weeks
$82.80 - amount needed to pay a toll violation (we didn't miss the tolls on purpose) (it needed to be paid before we would get paid again, otherwise $50 would be added to each toll fee of $20.00).
5 - number of bills that still needed to be paid

So, you can see we were short by over $200 for the two weeks. Here's where the miracle begins. The following day, Tom's parents came over and brought with them a HUGE box full of food and toiletries. Later that day, they bought us another entire order of groceries. We didn't need to buy groceries for the entire two weeks!

Additionally, my parents offered to pay the toll violations. Also, my birthday was coming up and they gave me an advancement on my birthday money.

The next week we sold one of the Playstations that Tom had fixed. $225.
Bought another broken Playstation in order to continue the business: -$90
The next week we headed up to my parents where Tom trimmed the hedges and did other projects around the house: $200.
The Playstation we sold crashed for the second time. We refunded the customer. -$225.

At this point, I started to get discouraged again because I was banking on the money Tom would make trimming the hedges in order to pay the rest of our bills, but it looked like we would have to return all that money, plus some, to our customer.

Now, before I go on I have to insert that for the last 8 months the number 222 has come to mean something to me. I don't know why, but whenever I see that number I just remember God's love and faithfulness....now for the rest of the story.

Yesterday we received a check in the mail for, can you guess how much? $222!!! Praise God!!!! We now have more than enough to get us through until the next paycheck!! AND we were still able to tithe!!

It's been a wonderful two weeks of watching for God's faithfulness. All I can say is GOD IS GOOD!

Baby Bump Pics

2010-05-08T19:16:00.006-04:00

Pre-baby

14 weeks

17 weeks

18 weeks

Not much to see here...yet. And I had to archive my pre-pregnancy belly since I will probably never see it again.

Today I'm contemplating the pain. I made the mistake of YouTubing women having contractions...ouch! Of course, these ladies weren't employing the methods I've been reading about. Even though I haven't received it yet, I am forever grateful to my cousin for sending me a relaxation method she used while she gave birth at home to her FOURTEEN POUND BABY!

I'm also contemplating the term "labor." Labor means hard work. I'm going to need some endurance for the pain and the labor...I should probably start exercising. It's tough just to walk briskly for a half hour, and that's with NO pain. Hmmm....yes, I should definitely reconsider my exercise program (or lack thereof).

Test of Faith

2010-05-07T09:29:00.002-04:00

Whenever a pay day comes, we breathe a sigh of relief at having been able to scrape by until the last day. That relief only lasted for about the half hour it took me to pay bills today. The situation comes down to this: if all we believed and trusted in was our paycheck, then the amount of money we are left with for the next two weeks will not get my husband to work and we will not be able to buy groceries. I'm not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for us. I'm simply writing to be held accountable to faith. After a fairly brief encounter with panic over this situation, I decided that 1.) there really isn't anything we can do about the situation and 2.) I can't and won't put my body through the stress of...well, stress. I claim to believe God loves us and is faithful, now it's time to put that talk to the test. Jesus tells us not to worry about what we will eat or drink or wear. He provides for sparrows so I know he'll provide for us. It will be interesting to see it all unfold.

Happy then and happy now

2010-04-27T11:58:00.002-04:00

For some reason I'm doing a lot of reflecting on the past today. I'm not sure this is always a good thing to do--not because the past was necessarily better than the present, but I think that Satan tries to make you think it was. It's the old "the grass is always greener" syndrome. The fact is that I was happy with my life a year ago and I'm happy with my life now. Life is just different.

Sometimes wish I was the "confident," "independent" person I was a year ago, but I remember that a year ago I wanted to be a stay-at-home wife. I got both. But the best part is that any confidence and independence that I've gained over the last few months is much deeper and more real than the confidence I had then. A year ago I had to put forth confidence or else be eaten alive by life. Now I don't have to fake it. I'd rather have less real confidence than all the manufactured confidence in the world. And I know that I gain more of that real confidence every day. In another year I may not recognize myself as the person I was a year ago--in fact, that person is becoming less and less familiar already.

I expect that a year from now the memory of the person I am now will also begin to fade. In a year, I expect that my confidence in who I am will be more developed, I will no longer feel so vulnerable to slipping into the paralyzing grip of fear again, and I will probably look back on my life and sometimes think that things were better in the past than they are at present, and I'll have to remind myself again that things are not better here, they are just different.

Remembering Today

2010-04-21T12:33:00.002-04:00

Fresh spring air is drifting through the open front door. The sun is shining and the birds are singing. It's a little after noon and my tasks for the day are almost complete so I can enjoy the rest of the day outside. I'll sit out there and read, pray, and relax until it's almost time for the man of my dreams to walk through the door and greet me with his signature, "Hello, my beautiful bride!" Take a deep breath. Ahh...life is good!

The best part of this good life is that even if the sun wasn't shining and the birds weren't singing, I am still content. I've finally come to a place in my life where I don't need more. If we live in the same house and we never have more money or more things, that's ok. God always has, is, and always will provide us with more than enough.

I'm not just content with what we have, but I'm finally content with who I am. For the first time, I feel like I do deserve my husband. I am confident in my ability to be a great mother. Pregnancy is finally fun, and I'm confident in my ability to give birth without medication. For the last two months, I have had more peace and confidence in Christ's work in me than I have had in my entire life.

I know that not every day will feel like this, but I know that there will be more days like this than days in the shadows. Praise God for His Holy Spirit living in me!

Pregnancy Mysteries

2010-03-31T09:31:00.005-04:00

Ok....I know I've already done a lot of complaining about pregnancy, but I'm still not done. Actually, I'm not really complaining this time, I'm just pointing out some of the little amusing "mysteries."

1.) Food aversions/cravings: Why do I gag every time I even see a jar of spaghetti sauce (or say "spaghetti sauce" for that matter), but I can eat salsa by the gallon? It's pretty much the same thing. They look the same anyway.... And why on earth can't I stand to eat chocolate?? I can eat sweets with chocolate in them, but not pure chocolate. Gag!

2.) Being sick: NOT FAIR that pregnant women have a comprised immune system. I realize that this is so that your body doesn't reject the baby as a "foreign object" but still, there's got to be another way. Not only is the threat of morning sickness looming for AT LEAST 12 weeks (sometimes longer), but I can get sick on top of that??? I haven't been sick for YEARS. Not even a cold. Well, I finally got a cold...a pretty bad one. The kind where you have to sleep sitting up in a recliner two nights in a row so the entire contents of your sinuses doesn't glue you to your pillow? That kind.

3.) Sneezing/peeing: I have never had to worry about peeing my pants when I sneeze...until now. The evil thing about this is that for some reason since my uterus has grown to a significant size, I don't always feel the urgency to pee. When I do, my body suddenly feels the urge to sneeze. Thanks a lot!

4.) Feeling lazy: I know I have a 24/7 job with growing a baby, but I am a chronic multi-tasker. However, the term "multitask" can no longer be a part of my vocabulary. When I'm feeling full of energy the most I can push myself to do is shower and pick a few things up at the grocery store. After that it's time for a long nap! Kudos to any woman who works a full-time job while pregnant! These women are superheros. I am not. And huge kudos to my dear husband who has had to begin making his own dinner. I can't stomach it and I just don't have the energy to do it.

I take comfort in the fact that the worst part is almost over, and of course, that there's a precious little BOY coming that will help me forget all about this part. That's it for now (I'm getting tired). I guess most of this stuff is supposed to go away after the first trimester. Only 1 1/2 weeks left!!!! Then maybe I'll start feeling like a normal person again! Can't wait!

What more can I say???

2010-03-13T10:07:00.002-05:00

How on earth do you describe something too amazing for words? Maybe that's why Jesus is called, "The Word." Because any breakdown of language couldn't describe Him in full.

I can tell you my story, but you'd have to see God's work in me to really understand. I'll do my best to tell the story anyway. It's very simple really. God has delivered me from anxiety once and for all!! I'm happy to say the miracle wasn't that I woke up one morning and suddenly had no fear. The miracle was that I woke up and realized that I am free!!! Praise God!

So, during the course of that first day I tackled some of the "monsters" that have paralyzed me for the last few months. I reclaimed territory that I had falsely begun to believe was too full of giants for me to dare step foot on. Since then I've had many opportunities to expand my territory. For instance, last night I went to a hockey game in Lansing, went to a restaurant AND ATE (!), and then drove half the way home. It's hard to explain to someone what a big deal this is for me if they have never experienced anxiety before. But everyone has a "Goliath." This was mine.

Praise God! He is good! What more can say??

Enjoying a Dream Come True

2010-02-16T14:13:00.004-05:00

I am often tempted (and often I fall to the temptation) to think negatively about everything...and I mean, EVERYTHING! Even if my dreams are coming true (and they are right now), instead of rejoicing in the grace of that, I become very suspicious. Why on earth would MY dreams come true? And if my dreams are coming true, shouldn't I have to struggle, to strive, to work, to walk on fire in order to have the things I want? But what testament to God's grace and unreasonable love would I have if I had to strive in order for my dreams to come true?

...And it's not just my dreams that He's allowing to come true in my life, it's even little everyday things. Last weekend while we were on a retreat with our high-schoolers, I had such an intimate moment with God where He distinctly told me that His love is for me too. I was so excited about that, so I asked for a shooting star. Over the next two hours, I looked up in the sky whenever I had the chance, eagerly expecting my shooting star. I looked down for one moment to make sure there was no ice under foot, and in that one moment I heard my husband shout, "DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!" He had seen a shooting star--MY shooting star--the longest, slowest, shooting star he had ever seen. I missed it. I was instantly so angry that God didn't allow me to see it (remember, I am negative about everything). After I calmed down, I finally realized that God gave me what I asked for. He gave me what I asked for but I couldn't enjoy it. I was too busy watching for ice to see the star. This is the story of my life.

This has to be the end of living my life this way, or else I will never be happy. Back in April, before I lost my job and before I met my husband, my strongest desire was to be a good wife and mother. I felt very at home and content with that life. A few weeks later I met my husband, and within 6 months we were married. Three months later, we found out I was pregnant. I haven't had one day of morning sickness (something else I earnestly prayed for!) My dreams were coming true, and I didn't even have to be patient!! Despite all these things, I haven't been dancing under the stars. Instead, I've been watching out for ice and I've been completely miserable. I realize what the problem is, but I honestly have no idea how to fix it. Sadly, I have no idea how to truly enjoy my life, except to keep telling myself that I have a life worth enjoying. I have to keep reminding myself that the joy of seeing the shooting star I asked for is more joyous than the pain of slipping on the ice is painful.

I have to keep reminding myself that the best things in life are not earned or bought. The best things in life are offered, in abundance, by my loving Creator as a gift. I just have to accept that.

The Last 9 Months/The Next 9 Months

2010-02-11T10:28:00.004-05:00

This is just a little collage of my life over the past nine months. Add to this the pics of losing my job, having debilitating panic attacks, of gaining a bit of freedom from anxiety, bouts with depression, and days of rest, and you'll have a more complete picture. I can't help but think that all these thing together are not the complete picture, but that they are part of the whole. I have to think that way or else I will be much like I was earlier today -- sobbing over how things are not going as I had planned. According to my plan, at this point in my life I would be completely free of anxious thoughts; I would have a handle on my life; I would have had at least a year after getting married before starting a family; I would have been able to stay a while longer in the responsibility free moments of weekends at the cabin or evenings on the snowboarding hills. I'm not sure why the thought of not having that depresses me. I have gained much more than I've lost. I've lost only a little freedom and responsibility and a job that I never really liked anyway. I've gained another great family, a deep knowledge of how little strength I have apart from God, many restful days, and the beginning of my own family.

While I'm mourning the life that is behind me, I just know that 8 months from now I'll see the bigger, more beautiful picture. Forgive me for my discontent.

Prayer for Today

2010-01-19T20:17:00.000-05:00

"...Help me overcome my unbelief!"

God and Two-Inch Spaces

2010-01-06T13:40:00.004-05:00

Have you ever stood at the top of a mountain, the edge of a shoreline, or the middle of a valley and become overwhelmed by the weight of the beauty surrounding you? You stand there for an eternity trying to take it all in. You look as far out as you can see in every direction, almost dropping under the enormity of what surrounds you. You can feel the wind on every bare inch of skin; the air cleanses your lungs and you are sure that you have never truly breathed air until now. The world is so silent here that your thoughts become deafening. You seriously contemplate whether you will become a permanent fixture of the landscape or whether you will settle for a photograph.

You pull out your camera and point it at the grandeur. You try to focus your eyes on the landscape within the two-inch camera screen, but the mountains, the waves, the trees, the birds all squeeze out of the frame 360 degrees around you. The picture you have just taken doesn't do your experience justice. And that's all you can say when your friends turn their dispassionate glance from your photo back to you. "The picture doesn't do it justice!" you say. "You really have to see it in person to get the whole effect."

How often do we attempt the same with God? We experience the glory of God with every fiber of our being, then try to contain our experience of Him in a tiny two-inch box. We take our sad little box--maybe it's a box of logic or rules or rituals--and we are broken-hearted when our friends give us a blank stare that wonders why you wasted their time. Indeed, they really do need to see it in person to get the whole effect.

Are you bringing God to your friends in a box, or are they able to see Him in person?

Alissa's Five Things

2010-01-04T11:11:00.004-05:00

I've been sitting at home day after day trying to figure out what my dream job is, while I watch time run out on our second income, which is do to expire in September. I can tell you what my dream job is NOT; I can tell you what it kind of looks like; but I can't really tell you what it IS. I can tell you what I THINK it is, but the more in depth I think about it, the less it seems like a dream job. Maybe I just need to stop thinking so much and just start doing. If it's blessed, it's blessed. If not, I'll move on. But I better get a move on it so I get it figured out before I stop getting paid to look for a job.

So, without further ado (man, that was a lot of "ado!"), I think my dream job would to be a writer. This is not completely new. I remember in a counseling session probably about a year ago telling my counselor that I would love to be a writer. However, being the typical doubter that I am, I immediately thought, "That's impossible for you. You have no talent for such a thing!" Whether or not that's true, I don't know. I do know that it's something that not only do I have a passion for but it is also very cathartic for me.

As cathartic as it can be for me that is only if I am writing out of pure emotion. Writers write based on guidelines and deadlines, not based on feelings. In this way, writing can be a pain in the butt for me. Oh man, did I hate writing papers in college! I wish I had realized then that grades don't follow you around after college quite like your heart does. Before I went to college I wrote because I loved to write. During college, I wrote because I had to. After college, I didn't write at all. I learned during college that in order to be "successful" (that is, in order to get a good grade...such a tiny focus!) in writing, all my writing had to have this many arguments, that many quotes and it had to span so many pages. That's when I stopped dreaming. Thankfully, in the last year of stopping cold in my tracks on the path of success, my heart is finally catching up...only it's on the path of happiness. That's where I'm going with my writing.

I'm too much of realist to believe that following happiness is going to be consistent and fruitful, so I'm not going to let my heart take over completely. I know that in order to be a writer, whether or not I get paid, I must have a balance. It's much like my workouts have been in the past: some days I enjoy working out and some days I have to drag myself out there like a child who is called in from Sunday afternoon fun to go to night church (I think I put up a fight every week until about high school. In fact, I may or may not have done a similar thing within the last couple of weeks...heh, heh). So, in true Alissa fashion, I've made a list of tips for myself:

1.) Write more. Almost any article you come across on "How to be a Writer" you'll see this advice. Academia taught me theory, but never really taught me application (which is probably why IN THEORY I'm qualified to do anything, but IN REALITY I'm qualified to do nothing...yes, I am bitter....). I've spent exactly zero dollars on this advice, but it still seems about a million times more useful than what I paid tens of thousands of dollars to learn (yes, still bitter).

2.) Be prepared. Before I started writing this, I spent about an hour looking up articles about writing, being a writer, and I also checked my email and facebook. When I finally pulled up my blog to start writing, I decided that was the perfect time to start eating breakfast. I finished a banana, sat down to write, then decided some yogurt and granola would really hit the spot. After that, I sat down to do some SERIOUS writing and quickly decided that an apple would definitely set the tone for a day of writing. While that is helping me with my little aversion to food after holiday binging, it is not helping me meet any goals. Although I suppose I could argue (another thing that academia taught me *cha ching*) that the nutrients feed my brain in order to help me write better (I don't know...is it really working?). Even if that were true, I suppose it is possible for me to get all my eating out of the way before I sit down the first time, or I could just set myself up in the kitchen so that if I feel the necessity to eat right now, all I'd have to do is reach and grab. This could be bad for the waistline, though. Perhaps I should think about writing in a coffeeshop or a bookstore (what better place for inspiration, right?).

3.) Expect crap. I've actually written many more blogs than I've posted, and if I wasn't so sentimental, I would probably delete a lot of what I've published on here simply because it is just not well written at all. I hold myself to a very high standard, which is good in accounting, but not so good here. If I write a bad article, that does not necessarily mean I'm a bad writer. Maybe I'm just having a bad writing day, or maybe I just need more practice. No problem. I won't ever stop thinking, so I'll never stop writing...even if it is pure crap. There are some authors who have published books and they write at a level I wrote at in third grade (maybe they are third-graders, in which case, kudos!), so I'm not going to feel bad if I have a bad writing day, or week, or LIFETIME for that matter! At least I had fun, right?

4.) ~~Set goals.~~ Have husband trick you into accomplishing your goals. This is a very unpopular thing to say in this day and age, but I'm just going to say it because it's true: I am not self-motivated. Having said that, I'm not sure if this tip is going to work for me. I have written "to do" lists and even gone to the trouble of drawing pretty little checkboxes next to each goal, only to find the list untouched at the end of the day. Here's the kicker: it doesn't bother me a bit when none of those things are accomplished. I can always clean the bathroom tomorrow, right? I guess I might have to revise this tip. I should set goals, then tell them to my husband and have him remind me of what I said I was going to do. In some sort of weird way, even though he's telling me my own goals, I feel like I'm doing it for him when it comes from his mouth. I don't find much pleasure in accomplishments unless it pleases someone else. So there. Yeah! That's what I'll do! Great idea, Alissa!

5.) Spend more time on conclusions. I'm horrible at concluding my writing. Always have been...

What I'm thinking about today :)

2009-12-29T13:22:00.003-05:00

Therefore, behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart. There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt. -Hosea 2:14-15

Two truths

2009-12-28T12:04:00.002-05:00

1.) Bad things happen to everyone. One question you hear often in a crisis is, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The answer lies in another question: Why do bad things happen?? Bad things happen because we live in a bad world. Just like you can't do enough to get to heaven, you also can't do enough to have a life void of troubles.

2.) If your life is in Christ, trouble as you know it doesn't exist. It's right there in John 16. In verse 33, Jesus says, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" This is very encouraging if you can just get your worldly self past the part where He says we'll have trouble. If you're like me, you would just rather skip the "trouble" part altogether. Unfortunately, by trying to skip the "trouble" part, you only create more trouble and never, or at least rarely get to experience the Joy and Peace part Jesus talks about in verses 24 and 33.

On a personal note, I'm pretty annoyed with myself for getting caught up in the order of the sentences in verse 33 rather than the grammar of it. Because of the order of the sentences, I've had a hard time getting past the guaranteed trouble. But the truth lies in the grammar, not the order of the sentences. The first sentence, "In this world you will have trouble" suggests that this is something that will happen, but hasn't happened yet. The last sentences, "But take heart! I have overcome the world!" grammatically suggests that we should take heart NOW because Jesus ALREADY ("I have overcome") overcame the world. The best parts actually happened BEFORE the trouble. Hmmm....

So, there you have it. Two truths for the day, and hopefully for life.

God is big -- really really big!!

2009-11-25T11:20:00.002-05:00

It's a bit frustrating when you realize that the obvious has been such a mystery for such a long time.

Here is the obvious-made mystery-made obvious to me this week: God is really really really big!

He cannot be contained in words; He is The Word.

He cannot be contained in a creature or creation; He is the Creator.

He cannot be contained in a checkbook or a paycheck; He already paid the debt.

Here is the other truth that follows: Satan is very very very small.

He is contained by one Word.

God is present in, but not contained by our lives, our words, our thoughts, our finances, our moments.....

Identity Shift

2009-11-18T13:45:00.003-05:00

While I was home alone yesterday, I experienced an almost full-blown panic attack. Severe nausea, fingers and face tingling, shortness of breath, dizziness, feeling like I would lose all control...the whole nine yards. There wasn't a whole lot that I could do since all my coping techniques weren't working and my usual comforts weren't available. There were only two options: 1.) die, or 2.) work through it. Obviously, I chose to work through it.

I spent about two hours working through it. It sucked! Basically, by working through it, that meant that I had to observe the feelings I was having without reacting to them emotionally. If the feelings or thoughts got worse I had to embrace them and demand (mentally) that they get worse, thus diffusing the fear by facing it. I have to admit, I gave it a half-hearted effort, because I really did not want my brain to get confused and say, "Oh, you want more? Ok, I'll give you more!!" And then, of course, I would throw up (of course this has NEVER happened to me because of severe anxiety or during a panic attack. That's just the way my mind works.) Since I only gave it a half-hearted effort, it took much much longer than I would have liked. But I did it, and that's what counts!!

It's funny how little victory I actually felt after that.

(And now begins the point of the story)

You see, after 8 years of handle anxiety and panic attacks the wrong way--by fighting against the feeling--and having it only result in more ammo for anxiety to come back, it's almost twilight zoney to do it a different way, and, even as good as it feels, to take away some of it's momentum. In fact, I was almost depressed last night and felt very unlike "myself." That feeling alone gave me a lot of mental anguish and a little anxiety.

And then I was brushing my teeth and praying. Here's what I said to God without even thinking about it, "Lord, I don't feel like myself without the anxiety." Immediately, I stopped talking (well, actually I was saying it in my head because I had my mouth full of toothpaste) and thought, "That's a problem." I never realized it before, even when I had given it much thought (it's funny how well we tend to justify the way we act/react to situations), but I do define myself partly by my anxiety. Yikes!! I DO NOT WANT TO DEFINE MYSELF OR BE DEFINED BY ANXIETY ANY LONGER!!!!!!!

2 Timothy 1: 7 says that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and a SOUND MIND!

When I look back at the last few months, I can see that God is pealing away the things that I always used to define me. I am no longer defined by my job or job status; I am no longer defined by my independence, and I am no longer defined by my anxiety. Who am I? What is God's purpose for my life?

I'm excited to find out....

God in the Grocery Store

2009-11-17T15:32:00.002-05:00

My insight for the day: Everything we do is what we do while we're listening to God. I guess the reason this hit me today is because I woke up this morning asking what God wanted me to do today, and right as I was about to kick back and relax in silence (and likely fall asleep) until God told me what he wanted me to do, a thought came to me that the work I do is important because it has to get done, but my heart should always be prepared to put down whatever I'm doing to do what God wants me to do.

I have the tendency to think that when God asks me to do something it's always going to be something huge that I will have to block out hours of my day (or my week...or my life) to do. But sometimes (most of the time) it is a simple thing that still can't get done if I'm sitting at home waiting to hear from God. Like, maybe I'll be out doing the grocery shopping, and I'll be able to encourage the cashier by being friendly to her/him after the customer before me berated him/her for not magically knowing the prices on all the bulk produce in the store. You know, that sort of thing.

So, anyway, just because I'm not out feeding and clothing people on the streets every day doesn't mean that by going about my daily tasks I'm not changing someone's life.

Everything I do is what I do while I'm listening to God.

I've perfected selfishness...

2009-11-14T16:51:00.005-05:00

Before I got married, I had a lot of people remind me that marriage is something you have to work at, pointing out, specifically, that marriage brings together two sinners, which meant to me that now instead of having to deal with just your own sin, you now have to deal with the other person's sin.

Another thing I was told before I got married is that it will be a time of "iron sharpening iron."

Somewhere, I got the signals mixed because being the almost perfect human being that I am, I thought that living with my husband would cause me to see his sins more readily, in which case, I would have to sharpen him with my incredibly sharp and mature godliness. Today I realized that marrying him would open my eyes to just how deep a sinner I am, and how blessed I am to have him there to sharpen me.

There's that old term "my better half" that people use to describe their spouses. I used to think that this was just something people said in front of their spouses in order to flatter them, or behind their backs in order to appear humble. I've changed my mind because he truly is my better half. And since we're going with the cliches here, I'm going to have to quote Jack Nicolson and say that he "makes me want to be a better [woman]." Why? Because it's true!

This morning while my husband was serving at the Inner City Christian Federation, I was sucking up leaves in our back yard. When he didn't come home when he said he would, I began to get angry that he was out serving someone else when I needed his help at home. I had a whole long list of reasons why I was "allowed" to be angry. I listed them all for God while I prayed, "Lord, I don't want to be this selfish, but (fill in the blank with weak excuse for being selfish)." Finally, God laid on my heart two things: 1.) Thomas was doing the right thing and I should have been right beside him serving someone else, and 2.) I needed to stop being making excuses and just realize that I am being extremely selfish. Then I started to think about what I would write in my blog for today, and I thought, "I'll write something along the lines of, 'if my husband has one fault, it is that he's not selfish enough.'" But then God made me realize that by saying that, I was still being selfish by putting the negative on my husband instead of on myself. Here's the truth, folks: I AM SELFISH! Man, am I selfish!! And I am glad my husband isn't selfish, because I think if he was, he would not have married me.

So, now that I have gained this insight into myself, I am going to turn it to wisdom by acting on it. I created a challenge for myself. For the next week (really, I hope it lasts a lifetime), whenever there is something that I want to do for myself, I am going to serve someone else before I serve myself. So, maybe tomorrow I'll suck the leaves up out of my neighbor's yard before I suck the leaves out of my own yard. Or maybe instead of spending two hours in the morning on facebook, I'll spend those two hours writing thank you notes or writing encouraging hand-written letters to people.

I realize that these things in and of themselves will not turn me into a model servant, but I hope that it will at least begin to prepare my heart for a lifetime of humble service.

Today is not that day

2009-11-13T09:28:00.002-05:00

I'm going to try to blog more. I think everyone who has a blog and doesn't write in it regularly says that, but then they don't do it. I'll probably fall into that category too, but I really don't have an excuse. I have all day to do it. Nevertheless, I will try. Who knows? Maybe some day I'll have something interesting or profound to say.

Today is not that day...

Hitched!

2009-10-31T20:00:00.006-04:00

So, I'm hitched and happy as can be! I imagined the day over and over long before it came and it turned out to be much much better than I could have ever imagined. It was so romantic! Here are some pics of the wedding, but there really was nothing like being there (the lighting was tricky for photographs). Enjoy!

Prayer 09/30/09

2009-10-01T10:08:00.003-04:00

I wrote this at the height of depression. I was feeling like giving up on life and on myself. Then Thomas called and spoke truth into my ear, so I began to pray. This is how my prayer unfolded:

Lord, where do we go from here? What do I need to do? What step do I need to take? You are bigger than me, you know me better than I do, so if you say that I can handle something, then I can believe it. Who am I to say that I can’t handle this? I’m sorry, Lord, for being angry at you. But don’t you understand why? Some people are healed from their problems overnight; why not me? Lord, haven’t I asked for it enough? I’m asking for it now. Daddy, please rain down healing on me today in this moment. Change my life. Change my heart. Help me believe. I know you love me. I KNOW you do. That is not something that can be taken away or diminished. Even though it feels like you’re far away, I KNOW YOU LOVE ME! No one and nothing can take that away! Even if you yourself tried to convince me that you don’t love me, I wouldn’t believe it, Lord!! God I believe your word is true. You are true to your word. You’ve told me and shown me in so many ways that you love me. You can’t convince me otherwise. Daddy, you are all I have to cling to. You are my only hope. I have nothing apart from you. I have nothing. I am nothing apart from you. I am dead apart from you. What do I look for? Rest? How do I rest? Show me, Lord! Teach me. I want to remain faithful to you. I want to see what you will do through me. I know you have a better plan for me. This is not the rest of my life. Show me what is. Lord, I want to praise you. I want to enjoy my life. I don’t want to be anxiety’s victim…I’m your child.

I still have no idea what God is going to do with this portion of my life, but I do know that today I have a new hope and a new desire to be intentional with every moment of my life, whether I'm sitting on the couch alone at home or whether I'm preaching to a group of people. Something is celebrating inside!

The things that frighten me the most

2009-09-30T09:37:00.002-04:00

1.) Driving
2.) Stores
3.) Eating at a restaurant
4.) Having a one-on-one conversation
5.) Feeling trapped
6.) Throwing up
7.) Feeling sick
8.) Feeling "off"
9.) Fear
10.) Attention
11.) Taking a walk far from home
12.) Long trips in the car
13.) Being stuck in traffic
14.) Standing in long lines
15.) Flying in an airplane
16.) Being on a train
17.) The thought that I will never be normal again

Things I am not afraid of:

1.) Dying
2.) Nearly being in an accident
3.) Not having enough money
4.) Riding a motorcycle

Mysterious Love

2009-09-22T18:25:00.002-04:00

I have sat down to write a few times in the last couple of days, but it's always so hard to get started because there's a lot to talk to about and no really good way of saying it. In short, the last month has been one of the most difficult, strange, exciting times of my entire life. Yes, without a doubt!

Since there's a lot to talk about I'm just going to choose one topic for now: Tom. I realize that we've grossed out just about everyone with how in love we are, but I can't feel bad about that; it has come at a great cost. I am completely humbled by the strength and unconditional love he has shown to me in the last five months. He has seen me have panic attacks, he has heard me say discouraging things, he held my hand when I tried to puke. If that wasn't enough, when I told him during a panic attack that I was going to poop my pants, he reassured me that that was ok and he would get me some clean clothes. Despite my momentary insanity and utter repulsiveness, not a day goes by that he doesn't remind me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. From the beginning, I decided that I would lay out all my faults and weaknesses in front of him so he would know what he was getting into. At first, I thought I could scare him away, but this guy cannot be moved! In fact, I'm convinced that he loves me even more with each weakness that surfaces. This has spoken volumes to me about God's love for me.

Before I met Tom, people always got to know me from the outside in. This inevitably led to increasing anxiety that with each passing day they were coming closer and closer to the "real" me. To myself at that time, I was my imperfections. It was shortly before I met Tom that I decided I would not be that way anymore, and I began to see myself the way God sees me. Even though I didn't know it at the time, I had only touched the surface right before I met Tom. When I was single and learning these things, i focused on my strengths and didn't touch the icky, risky to deal with, weaknesses. But having someone else in my life that is effected by my weaknesses, whether I acknowledge them or not, has required that I deal with them. Perhaps even more importantly, it requires that I believe I am not defined by my weaknesses. And even more importantly, it requires that I believe he loves me for who I truly am. I can't understand why he loves me, I just have to accept that he does. This has taught me volumes about God's perfect love for me because the closer Tom and I grow, the more challenged I am to see myself the way God truly sees me. God sees my weaknesses, he knows my anxious thoughts, he knows my desires (good and evil), and even though they are very much contrary to His word, he still loves me. I have tried to wonder why or how God can love with such love. Here's the best answer I can come up with: it is, and will always be, a mystery. God requires nothing from me, except that I believe him (John 6:29). So often I believe that my weaknesses will cause Tom to love me less. But when I shove that lie aside and just delight in the fact that he loves me for who I am, he delights in that! Likewise, God delights in me when I trust His word (Hebrews 10:38) and when I put value on our relationship rather than on how I need to be "better" (Hosea 6:6).

In short, I am so thankful for my relationship with God and my relationship with Tom. They both give me something I'm not sure I would have on my own. My relationship with God teaches me about my relationship with Tom, and my relationship with Tom teaches me about my relationship with God. Amazing! Thank you, Daddy, for putting Tom in my life to reflect your love for me!

Progress

2009-09-01T13:11:00.002-04:00

It doesn't come as a huge surprise to me that I didn't get out of the house and drive down the Beltline on Friday like I said I would. After having the amount of anxiety I had on Friday driving to meet a friend for lunch, it was not likely that I would get back in my car that same day. However, that would have been the best thing to do. But no more excuses! I refuse to live for this anxiety any longer.

Accomplishments:

Saturday I went to lunch in downtown Rockford with Tom and his parents and my parents. I was feeling quite anxious before we left, so simply leaving the house was an accomplishment in and of itself. Once we got there, though, I had to stay in the car until I could catch my breath. After a while, I was able to go into the restaurant and sit down for a while. I ordered food but didn't think I could sit there and eat it, so I asked for it in a to-go box. Things were going well until I spotted some tea bags across the room and thought about ordering some chamomile, but my mind started racing, "If I order the tea, then I have to sit here and finish it. I'll have no escape. What if I can't finish it? Then I will have wasted money on perfectly good tea. That would be a horrible thing to do...." That's when I began to get really anxious and I had to leave. I'm beginning to notice a pattern with my anxiety: when I give myself outlets it gets worse. I'm guessing this is because I'm giving in. I'm basically saying, "Yes, anxiety, you are right; there is no possible way I can handle this situation, so before I even try to handle it, I'm going to give you control." Scary.

Anyway, the accomplishments didn't end with entering and sitting down in the restaurant. We decided to walk around downtown. All I wanted to do after lunch was head back to Tom's apartment (a "safe zone"). I forced myself to sit and breathe for 5 minutes and gave myself permission to go home if I wasn't doing better after 5 minutes. Before the 5 minutes was up, I lost track of time and began walking. I ended up staying out 45 minutes after I decided couldn't handle it!

Sunday was a series of successes! I went out to Panera with Tom and our families, sat in the restaurant, and ate! After lunch I went to Lowe's and didn't have to escape. I even used the bathroom there! Then we went grocery shopping. Had a little anxiety while we were grocery shopping, but not until we were almost done and ready to leave anyway. For dinner, we went to Famous Dave's. I lasted almost the entire time. I ordered, ate, and then fled about 20 minutes before everyone else was done. Slight setback, but not too bad.

Yesterday was the biggest accomplishment so far. Yesterday I drove about 12 miles to get to an appointment. I had a significant amount of anxiety traveling both ways, but I managed it by keeping my breathing under control.

Today I drove 12 miles. I'm not sure how many of those were on the Beltline, but I drove to Fulton and back home. My hands and face started to tingle before I got to Fulton and they were still tingling when I got back home, but I managed that by taking deep breaths and by slowing all my physical reactions. I also tried to keep my fidgeting under control, which seemed to help.

I have a new reason to tackle this anxiety head on...I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! October 24th is the big day and I want to enjoy it. I don't want to worry about having a panic attack while I'm saying my vows (I can imagine people might think I'm not being very sincere if I'm freaking out while making my vows...).

New goal: I'm going to leave the house every day at 12 noon, whether it is to go for a drive or walk...no matter how I'm feeling.

I will heal from this!

Sending Panic to Hell

2009-08-28T13:09:00.002-04:00

I was on my way to meet a friend for lunch today. I felt fine when I left, but the more I drove, the more my mind raced:

"Whatifyouhaveapanicattackonthedrivethere?Wherewillyoupullover?Whatif someoneseesyouhavingapanicattack?Thatwouldbeembarrassing.Thenyouwouldhavetothrowup.Orwhatifyoupoopedorpeedyourpants?Youcan'thandlethis.Youhavetoturnaroundandbebackwhereit'ssafe.Butwhatifyouturnaroundandyou haveapanicattackonthewaybackhome?Thenyou'llbestuckandnoonecancomeandsaveyou.Youshouldn'thavetohavesomeonetocometoyourrescue;youshouldbeabletodothisalone.Whatifyoufindajob?Howwillyoumakeittoworkeachdayifyoucan'tevendrive7milesawayfromhome?You'renevergoingtogetthroughthis.Itwouldbebettertodiethantohavetolivewiththistherestofyourlife.You'reuselesstosocietyifthiskeepshappening...."

About 5 minutes after getting back to my house, I was completely fine. My hands and face weren't tingling anymore, my breathing was calm again, but my mind was still racing: "You'll never be able to leave the house again. What are you going to do when Lifeline starts up again? What will you do when you're needed at Most High? You're an invalid."

I sat on my couch and began to cry, thinking that I have been defeated for good. There was a part of me that wanted to just give up and be sad and put my entire life on hold and check into a mental ward, but there was also a part of me that knew that, as tired of dealing with this as I am, I still need to fight. I've been reading the Psalms quite often lately, and I think that if I were a Bible character, I would be David. David was sometimes paralyzed with fear (Psalm 143:4). David also never gave up; he continued to fight. He trusted in God as his refuge. I know that's what I need to do, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how to do that. I'm going to keep a daily (or as close to daily as I can get) log outlining how I'm approaching healing from anxiety and panic attacks. Maybe throughout this process, I'll learn how I'm trusting God as well as how I'm not trusting Him.

Today I'm starting by claiming Isaiah 41:10-12 [Amp]:

10Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.(A)
11Behold, all they who are enraged and inflamed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; they who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish.
12You shall seek those who contend with you but shall not find them; they who war against you shall be as nothing, as nothing at all.

I love the promise that my enemy (fear) will perish and be so dead that even I look for it, I won't find it. I like The Message translation which says that my enemy won't even be a memory to me!

Keeping these things in mind, I'm going to get in my car again today; I'm going to drive down the Beltline (this is where most of the panic attacks happen) to Fulton, and then I'm going to turn around and come back. Tomorrow I'll try to go farther.

This has to stop...it just has to stop...

Releasing Control

2009-08-20T10:07:00.003-04:00

I never thought that at 28 years old I would ever feel as helpless as I do. Two years ago, I had control of my life. I bought a house and paid my mortgage on time every month; I had just gotten a promotion at work and was in good standing; I had a great social life; I invited in and removed people from my life at my will; I was beginning to understand who I was. Little did I know how much God would makeover my life.

Out of necessity, I will be putting my house up for sale again soon; I have lost my job; I have suffered a week and a half straight with panic attacks. From the outside, it doesn't make any sense that I should be suffering any sort of anxiety. My dreams are coming true! I met the man I have been dreaming of since I was very young, and he loves me. I am spending my days taking care of the house and volunteering. I've been able to do life at my own pace, spend some more time with my dog, read books, write, spend some quality time with God...yet I'm still having panic attacks...and I've become helpless.

I've begun setting timers that remind me to eat and to breathe. I am literally retraining myself to eat and breathe. I don't spend much time alone outside of my "safety zones." I don't drive myself more than 5 minutes away from home. Yesterday, I lost all knowledge of who I am and what my purpose and value are.

I'm painting a very bleak picture of my existence, I know, but if I take a step back in my sane moments (this being one of them), I am able to see some beautiful changes taking place. It feels like I'm losing control of my life. But there is no choice in losing control. I have chosen to RELEASE control of my life. You see, two years ago, I convinced myself that I didn't need anyone. If someone offered help in moments or seasons of poverty, despair, or desperation (if I would even allow them to see it), I would reject it. I know that if I had to be alone in my life for some reason, I would be fine, but the truth that I need to accept is that God has surrounded me with people who love me and who are able to fill my life with their strength where I am weak. Who am I to shove these people, these blessings, from my life? It would be like a business owner trying to run all aspects of the business--accounting, marketing, management, sales, maintenence--on his own. The business would collapse. And I will collapse if I don't trust others to help me with certain aspects of my life.

I realize that it is no one else's responsibility but my own to keep my life running, but I am so grateful for the gifts that my friends and family willingly and lovingly and graciously bring to my life.

Weekend Plans: Live Life!

2009-08-14T10:49:00.002-04:00

For the last three days I have been completely jobless. I have stayed at home, sleeping, cleaning, reading, spending time with God. I have also job-searched and asked God for guidance. Even though I have been learning over the last few months that God reveals His plan for my life in His own time, at His perfect pace, step by small step, in His unquestionable faithfulness, I keep finding myself asking Him, "What should I do?" What should I do?

For the last couple of months, Tom and I have been working through all the aspects of a new relationship. We've written our rule books, chastised our hearts and minds, thrown out the rule books, reasoned with our anguished hearts, souls, and spirits. We've asked God for guidance. Even though He has told us we can't do this alone, we still ask, "What should we do?"

Yesterday God laid it on my heart to pray over Tom for a renewed heart and mind. This morning, Tom told me that he didn't have to convince himself that something has changed or will change; he just knew it had changed.

That is faith at work! It's not easy, but it IS simple! Take God at his word or don't bother claiming that you trust Him at all, "...because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him" (Hebrews 11:6). I realize that's a bold thing to say, but so often we pray a desperate prayer with undertones of "Lord, if you can/want to......" If? There is no "if!"

"For NOTHING is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37).

Contrast that with Hebrews 11:6, "And without faith it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God..."

So, what should I do? I should step aside and let God work. I should praise Him in this season because he came that I might have Life and enjoy it! (John 10:10).

...and that's what I plan to do this weekend at the cabin. I'm going to risk believing that I am going to enjoy God, friends, and creation! I am going to drink up, soak in, and pour out Life!

Thoughts before bed

2009-07-27T21:17:00.003-04:00

I have been very moody since I lost my job. My poor boyfriend can attest to this. Thank God for him, though! He's been amazing through all of it. I'm constantly humbled by his example of unconditional love. Ah, yes...I am blessed!

So, as I was saying, I've been moody. One day I'm pressing forward, searching diligently for a full-time job. The next day I'm not sure what I want. The next day, I accept whatever may come my way. The next day, I'm in full panic mode. Today, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with a lot of things...mostly myself. I never really cared that much about my job, but it's interesting to see how, little by little, over the span of 4 1/2 years, I began to define myself partially by my job. My job gradually became a product of my hard work and dedication. They couldn't deligate my job to just one person--it was distributed among 3 people. But that's beside the point. My job began to define a part of me. Now it's gone. On the one hand, that's really exciting. Now when people ask me what I do I can tell them I read and write and enjoy beauty. I spend time traveling between Grand Rapids, Port Huron, Hale, and Valparaiso in order to gather with family and friends. I barbeque most Wednesdays with Thomas, and I host a Bible study at my house on Tuesdays. I can tell them that I daydream now and can actually see some of my dreams coming true. And when people ask me what I'm going to do next, I tell them I have no idea...and I'm totally fine with that.

But then there are times when I'm not totally fine with that. I can say all those things about dreaming and doing and barbequing, but that's because right now I have a bit of a reprieve. I'm working on a project for the company for 2 more months, then I have 1 month of severance. I wonder where I'll be the day before my severance runs out. A part of me would really really like to know, but that part only wants to know if what is to know is that I'll be able to pay my bills and still have some money left over. The other part of me wants to hide and pretend like everything is just as it was and there's nothing to worry about.

I suppose both parts are important and should be given equal stage time. I really honestly truly believe that everything will be alright. I can accept that there may come a time when I won't be able to pay my bills, or that my house will go into foreclosure or that I might have to skip a couple meals a week, but again, I really honestly truly believe that none of that will happen because God feeds the birds and clothes the grass of the field (Matthew 6:28-31), so there's really no reason for me to think he wouldn't take care of me too (Matthew 6:30). So I really don't have anything to worry about. Both parts of the thought put together kind of look like faith. I think that's what this time in my life is about--developing a deeper faith. What a great opportunity!

Well, there was much more to say, but frankly it's late and I'm exhausted, so I'm ending it there.

Good night.

Interviews are dumb

2009-07-12T10:54:00.002-04:00

It's funny...I was looking through the blogs that I follow, and no one has really written since spring came around. I guess as Midwesterners, we write in the winter and come up with things to write about in the summer. I believe I will have a lot to write about this winter :)

For right now, an update for anyone who cares to know.

I have joined 14% of Michiganders in unemployment. My official last day in my position is the 24th, then I have one month of severance, then it's off to the unemployment line! I'm not calling it unemployment, though. I'm calling it temporary early retirement :) But really, the whole situation is less dismal for me than it is for some. I have one sure thing which I can't disclose publicly at this time, and I also have an interview tomorrow morning for a credit analyst position with a company that manufactures operating room equipment. Seems like a good industry to go into at this time. And the job sounds like the challenge I've been looking for. I can't really talk about this without giving credit to my incredible man. Within an hour of getting let go from my job, he had called this company (he's a former employee) and inquired about open positions, found this job for me, and got the names of the people I needed to talk to. I drove straight from Comcast to this place (it's just down the road), talked to some people, sent my resume in that day, got a pre-interview the following week, and a face-to-face interview the week after that. So, in two weeks I've made it farther than some make it in a few months. This is so entirely a God thing! What's even better is that God has given me such peace about this whole situation. If you know me well, you know that peace in these types of situations is not something I come by easily. But I'm at the point where if I don't get this job, I'm ok with that too.

So there you have it...

Life Update

2009-05-26T19:09:00.003-04:00

So, an update on my life....

I'm happy.

My life is different, but I'm not afraid (for a change).

I've managed to meet an incredible guy. Even though I've said it about every other guy I've been with recently, I'm going to say it about him too...he may actually be THE ONE. Of course I say that and at the same time I'm thinking, "Yeah, right. You've said that about all the other ones too."

But this one is different. "Aren't they all?"

But really...from beginning to the present this one is different. First of all, the night I met him I thought that he had no interest in me. In fact, he seemed very annoyed by me, so I figured I had made a horrible first impression, and therefore had nothing to lose by being completely "Alissa" in front of him. I didn't care if I impressed him or not...I was just...me:)

My "Alissaness" may have interested him a little, but according to him, it wasn't until I shared my testimony and my passion for God that he was hooked. While we took turns encouraging another friend at the table with testimonies and Bible verses, I also began to think he was pretty interesting, but shoved off any chance of ending up with a guy like this.

When the night ended, one of the girls who was hanging out with us suggested that we all exchange phone numbers. After we all exchanged phone numbers, I got in my car, put on my seat belt, and shifted into reverse when my phone rang. It was him calling from across the parking lot. I thought I had dropped something or left something at the restaurant. I picked up the phone and said, "Tom Case, why are you calling me? I'm 10 feet away." (I found out later this dashed his confidence...he had only given himself a 40% chance with me to begin with). Then he asked me something, to which I replied, "Hold on a second. I can't hear you." (My music was too loud). So he asked again, "Do you want to go out to coffee with me?" I promptly replied, "yes," and the rest is history.

The following Monday we went on our date, which I wasn't even sure was a date until about the day before. As it turns out, we didn't have coffee, but we had about the most perfect first date imaginable! We went to the state park on Lake Michigan, walked a trail to the dunes, jumped down and ran up the giant dunes, and then sat by the water during sunset and talked until the moon was bright in the sky.

Yeah...

So, here I am. Happy. Trying to enjoy "happy" but also feeling quite suspicious about it. When does everything come crashing down around me? Is it ok to feel this happy? Thankfully, I've enjoyed every moment of it, but never without that cynical voice lingering somewhere in the background.

I'll take it one moment at a time...and I'll love every second of it!

Control Freak: How do I get from here to there??

2009-05-13T11:45:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure when I began to think that I had to keep all my problems to myself. I used to wear myself on my sleeve, and I allowed people to minister to me. I never used to pretend that everything in my life was fine--that I was happy, that I had enough money, that I was healthy, that I was strong enough to handle things on my own, that I had it figured out, and if I didn't, I could figure it out, that everything was under control, that I was trusting God. The truth is, my friends, I have hit one of those walls in life that knocks you out and causes you to believe you may never get back up. I know the truth of my situation and my struggle--that God is above it, that He has the victory, and therefore, so do I--but that makes it no less of a struggle.

The week that Chris died I couldn't eat, so I didn't work out and I slept more during the day and less at night. So, you could say that this all came to a head the following week when everything started catching up with me. However, I can't imagine that after taking such good care of myself for so long that one week could knock me down completely. Something must have taken root in me long ago--something that drains the life from me whenever I am filled. I'm not sure what else it could be other than my constant grasping for control.

Rachel told me a while ago that she thought the control issue was the root of my anxiety. I agreed. I still do. I think I even was able to let go of control once or twice over the year. Issue solved, right????.......... The whole process of giving up control should be easy. It's so logical: I do not own my life; there are things I can't control; if I can't control them, then I'm wasting time and energy maintaining my death-grip on them; wasting time and energy is unpleasant and leads to stress, multiple panic attacks, fear of losing control; so, let go of your grip! Here's another logical statement: if you don't have control over something whether or not you hold on to it, wouldn't it be better just to let go of it? Yes! Very logical! Unfortunately, I must not have a brain or something, because that argument doesn't just seal the deal for me.

So, here I am again, or at least I think I'm here. I have suffered three panic attacks in the last week. I have taken more days off of work than I've been there and I will be taking half days for the rest of the week, partly in order to keep living my life while also having time to reflect, pray, seek God whole-heartedly, and hopefully just "be." But I'm also taking this time because I'm afraid. I'm too afraid to live life normally right now. I'm too weak. I'm too beside myself to even hear God in the noise of the familiar everyday.

I've hit a wall, been knocked out, and right now I'm having trouble getting back up. No doubt I'll stand up and walk again, but I will walk differently. Will I walk with a crutch and therefore limp for the rest of my life, or will I leap and dance and run just like the man who was healed by Jesus?

I don't want to limp for the rest of my life. But right now, I'm having trouble just standing.

How do I get from here to there?

Just in case I die

2009-05-01T21:39:00.002-04:00

I'm young, I don't have much material worth, and I don't have any kids, so I never really thought about what should happen with the "stuff" I have should I die. My house has no sentimental value, so you can leave everything in it and burn it for all I care. As of today, I have $9.94 in my savings and $5.23 in my checking account. This might be enough for my family to have some Starbucks on me! Enjoy!

No one really likes my dog, but I love her, so if no one wants to take her, please make sure she ends up with a loving and patient family. She would happiest if she had lots of land to run around on all day long.

Probably the one thing you'll want to salvage from my bookcases is my journals. I believe there are 10 journals upstairs, and there might be more in the basement. I'm going to warn you now that some of the stuff you read could be shocking to you. But maybe I don't hide as much as I think I do.

Since grieving through visitations and funerals is not my way of grieving, I would rather you didn't do that. But if that helps my family with their grieving, then by all means, drain my blood, fill my body with embalming fluid, sew my eyes and my mouth shut, layer my face and hands in makeup, lay me in a box, and weep over my "body." Then please cremate my body. I know it will be hard to let go of the ashes, but please spread some over Lake Michigan by the beach at Frankfort. I have some wonderful memories of our time there as a family as well as the time I spent with God by the water (see journal entries from July 17, 2008-July 20, 2008). Then contact Andrew and go to deer camp and spread some ashes there. I found so much peace there. As you know, peace is something that was hard for me to come by. I would have you spread some in the pool in our backyard in Valpo, but that would be weird. I think it is pretty obvious that home was a haven for me. I also had some defining moments with God back there (see blog entry from September 2, 2008). Once the ashes are gone, let that be it. Move on. Throw away everything. Don't keep my blankey, don't save my body spray so that you can smell it when you miss me, throw my clothes away or burn them, don't leave everything just as I left it. Clean it up, sweep it out (unfortunately, if I die at the end of a busy week, there will be a lot of cleaning to do. Sorry about that. It's on the list for tomorrow). Don't torture yourself with the stuff that reminds you of me.

I hope I made a good impression on earth. I hope that I wasn't mean to you or that I blew you off or didn't notice you when I should have. I hope that I left you feeling special. I hope that I didn't get in the way of God blessing your life through me. Please know that when I told you I love you, I really meant it. Even if I told you that and I didn't know you very well, I still REALLY meant it. God has filled my heart with love for just about everyone.

If I die before Monday, tell my date I was really looking forward to talking to him. A bunch of us, including him, had a great conversation on Tuesday that filled both of our hearts with such joy and purpose that we wanted to continue sharing our passion for God with each other.

Tell my coworkers that I loved them all. Laura and Cathy were like sisters to me. We all took turns having "weepy" days, and we were always there for each other. They especially were there for me (I think I had a "few" more weepy days than either of them. Tell them I'm sorry I was such high maintenence sometimes). Other than that, I already told them this week that I love them. Again, I really meant it.

I had a special place in my heart for Mary. Make sure she knows that I loved her. I don't think enough people love her.

Tell Steve I love him too (I think I already told him, but I just want to make sure he knows that). We were very different spirits. I was afraid of him at first because he seemed so dark, but we ended up being great friends. I appreciated his honesty and even his cynisism (sp?). If I don't finish the book he loaned me before I die, make sure he gets it back. It was The Stranger. I think it's in my car.

Thank Jim Miar for making me laugh and understanding me. I already got to tell him goodbye this week.

Tell Dickie and Meghan I loved them too. Thank them for the great memories of BBQ and Rock Band.

(Wow...I'm beginning to understand how acceptance speeches get so long.... I know this might be boring, but it's really important).

Make sure my closest friends--Kristin, Rachel, Annie, Elisa, Abby, Kate, Heather, Dianne, and Robin--know that they gave me hope and confidence.

Make sure my high-schoolers know I loved them all very much. They taught me a lot about myself. Make sure they are comforted. I want them all to have a firm grasp of who they are in Christ. Tell them it's ok to mourn my death, but please make sure they don't add it to their list of bad things that happened in their life. There is a wealth of good to drink up from this one bad thing.

I've already made peace with Andrew, JR, and Aaron. In case they didn't believe me, let them know that I am left with no more broken pieces; that I became a better, stronger person through them.

If people tell you that the reason I'm gone is because God wanted me with him, don't believe it. Life belongs to God, eternal life was mine to choose, and death belongs to the devil. Hate him for death. Love God for the life I found in Him.

If I die young, don't be too sad about that. I feel like my life is purposeful. My living has been intentional. I don't have any regrets. I am happy.

Chris Parker - May 17, 1974 - April 27, 2009

2009-04-29T18:39:00.003-04:00

As I've been talking to people about Chris, I have found that they all felt the same way about him. He was the person everyone went out of their way to talk to; the day wasn't complete until you got to see him or laugh with him or hear him tell a story about one of his daughters.

I am so glad I had the chance to tell him what he meant to me.

Unfortunately, it took his death to make me realize some important life lessons: tell the people you care about how much you love them, always make time for them, and never put off any kindness because of the fear of vulnerability.

Thank you, Father, for the joy you brought to us each day through Chris!

Blank

2009-04-27T20:00:00.000-04:00

Denial. You’re not gone. I won’t go to the funeral. That would make it too true.

Don’t die. Don’t be buried. Just come back.

Anger. Why did this happen? Why couldn't someone save him?

Blame. I should have told you to stop drinking so much Mountain Dew. It was my responsibility to tell you not to eat all that fast food.

Or maybe I shouldn’t have told you that your purpose in life was to make me smile, because you DID make me smile, and maybe that’s why you decided it was ok to go.

Just come back.

Dear Whoever,

2009-04-25T17:15:00.003-04:00

Dear Whoever,

I will do whatever I can to make you believe that I am an air-brushed beauty queen. I will pluck, shave, and wax; apply, brush, condition, whiten, tan, dye, and moisturize; spritz, spray, scrub, and squeeze. I will take forever to do these things and I will take even longer to examine the results...and I will still find faults. But you will see results.

I will do whatever I can to make you believe that I am an angel. I will smile for the time that I'm around you, I'll be charming, witty, intelligent, and agreeable. I'll like your music, your TV shows, and your hobbies. Inside I will be tense, nervous, angry and resentful. I will have talked myself out of sharing my opinion a thousand times, I will have prayed a thousand times that God would give me the strength to continue being agreeable, and I will have forfeited one thousand pieces of my heart to give you everything...and I will become weaker every time. But you will feel loved.

And then a day will come when I'll be too exhausted to put up the front for you, so I will tell you that you're not right for me, and I'll never talk to you again. It's not fair, I know. But please be fair to me as well.

Please don't put me on a pedestal, don't expect too much from me, don't brag about me to your friends and family, don't call me a princess, don't tell me I'm perfect, don't picture me as your wife, don't tell me how wonderful you think I am. Please don't do these things...yet.

When you've seen me without makeup, unkempt, bloated, angry, anxious, and anguished and you still think I'm beautiful and you still think you love me, THEN you can tell me I'm beautiful and that you love me, and I will actually believe you.

I'm not saying that there isn't anything good about the true me. In fact, I have a lot of great qualities, but you have to wait a while to see them.

In the meantime, PLEASE do not indulge the person I'm trying to make you think I am.

Sincerely,

Alissa

Easter Weekend

2009-04-13T20:58:00.004-04:00

I just got back from spending the weekend in Wheaton with my family--the first Easter since I really decided to live and walk daily with Christ. This Easter meant more to me than it ever has.

There were a few things that distracted me from my first Easter as a Christ-follower. First of all, I was not at my church where I knew they were rocking out and celebrating LOUDLY. I was at my parents' church which is much more traditional and quiet. There were a few times I wanted SO BADLY to clap or shout or say "amen" but had to sit quietly instead in order not to upset the status quo.

Secondly, the church was PACKED out. We (my brother, his girlfriend, and me) luckily found seats, but we were packed in so tightly that the entire row had to sit and stand at exactly the same time in order not to create a "squeezing an ice cube tightly between your fingers" effect upon sitting or standing.

Finally, as I mentioned above, I was sitting with my brother. It should be a law that we can't sit together in church. When we were younger, we used to fight. Now that we're older, we laugh. I mean, from the unenthused "He is risen. Hallelujeh" recited by the congregation to my stomach growling LOUDLY toward the end of the service, we were laughing.

However, the reverance and meaning of the day finally hit me during the last two hymns. The first was "In Christ Alone" by Stuart Townsend. The words "Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied;For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live" turned on the tears and it wasn't until the end of the Hallelujeh Chorus that my tears stopped.

As I stood there silently sobbing and discreetly wiping away tears, I was thinking about how my friend loved me so much that He died so that I wouldn't have to live in the bondage of fear, hopelessness, guilt, sin, or anger. On top of that, he did it without expecting that I would accept it. In fact, He did it knowing that I could full-out REJECT it or DENY it. But the small chance that I would accept it was worth the torture, torment, and humility that He inevitably had to endure in a human body on the cross. Whoa! No one will ever love me like that again! What an amazing gift!

Selah...

I do believe in love after all

2009-04-10T21:19:00.001-04:00

Ok…yes…I know I’ve just sworn off marriage, but there’s something inside me that can’t give up completely. There HAS to be a good reason for getting married, and I think I may have found one. I fully realize the reason I’ve come up with may not be THE reason for getting married, but it’s the only reason I would get married. Mmkay? Let me try to explain.

I’ve explored 4 different reasons for getting married:

1.) it’s practical,

2.) being “in love” with a person,

3.) being in love with the idea of marriage, or

4.) the need to be fulfilled somehow.

Here are my “debunkments” (if that’s not a word, it should be. Someone call Webster right away!): getting married for practical reasons would be very disappointing because you’d be tied to someone that you might not even like FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE and the only thing you’d have in return is a little more financial stability…MAYBE.

Getting married because you’re “in love” will be a major disappointment the morning you wake up next to your hairy, stinky, tub-o-lard and realize that he hasn’t looked deeply into your eyes or bought you roses or taken you on a romantic date for years (Likewise, he might wake up next to his hairy, stinky, tub-o-lard and not remember the last time they had sex or the last time she laughed heartily at one of his jokes or a time when she didn’t give him a honey-do list every Saturday that there happens to be a very important game on TV).

Finally, getting married in order to feel whole will also prove a sore tragedy. I truly believe that wholeness comes from God alone, and to try to find that in a person is putting way too much of a burden on that person as well as the relationship.

After sorting through all these reasons and finding them all to have their shortcomings, I think I’ve finally found a good reason for getting married. It actually started when I got to thinking about why I go to church. To be perfectly honest, I go because I love the social aspect. I love going to a place where I can be with my friends and others, many of whom I have a connection with simply because we are brothers and sisters through Christ. There is something about fellowship with people who share Christ in common that revives me.

So, I took this idea of fellowship and ran with it (as I tend to do with all my little epiphanies). This idea of fellowship started with church and ended with home. But first, I had to ask myself what the most important thing in my life is, because whomever I marry will have to support that. For me, that’s my relationship with God. Next, how does fellowship encourage that? At church I’m encourged and lead in worship and reflection on my Creator. With my friends, I’m challenged to step up my faith walk and encouraged not to give up when things get hard. But what happens when I get home and I’m faced with the things that really clench and squeeze the life out of my soul and cause me to be less than what God created me to be? These are the things that are easy to bury and cover up for the few hours we spend each week with friends and acquaintances; these are the “unspoken” prayer requests at Bible study; these are the things we’ve buried so deep we hardly know anymore where the root is. This is where the role of a spouse comes in. A spouse—the person who knows you the best, who sees you at your worst, who knows what your life looks like when you’re Spirit is in turmoil and when it’s at rest—is much, much harder to hide these things from.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is this: if I get married, I will marry the one person who will dig for the root of sin that entangles me and distances me from God. He will call me out when my life isn’t reflecting God’s love. He will challenge my faith and encourage me to seek God first. I believe THIS is what tru love is about. And if this is what love is about, then I do believe in love after all.

Marriage is not for me!

2009-04-06T18:55:00.001-04:00

I don’t believe marriage is for me anymore. I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t believe that kind of love, whatever it is, exists for me. I believe in the love family and friends have for each other. I believe in the type of love we have for our pets. And I certainly believe in the type of love I have for Papa John’s Garden veggie pizza!

The type of love I don’t believe in anymore is the type that is supposed to exist between a man and woman. I don’t believe it’s any different than any other type of love, and I don’t think marriage has any purpose besides practicality—money, sex, and children—don’t need it, don’t need it, don’t need it.

As far as the lovey-dovey, “I can’t live without you” stuff, I don’t trust it. It’s an illusion that makes you believe you’re with the person of your dreams so that you get married and end up being stuck with someone who, for the rest of your life, makes you feel average at best.
And if the marriage thing is about finding someone who takes care of you, I’ll have to pass. I don’t believe that anyone on earth could love me as much or more than I love myself. It’s IMPOSSIBLE for someone on earth to take care of me the way I can take care of myself. I have everything I need WITHOUT someone else. Plus, life is a heck of a lot less complicated when it’s just me. Why would I want to have to consider someone else every time I want to buy a pair of shoes or go out to dinner? And why would I want to have someone in my life to worry about? I have enough worries of my own; I don’t need to have someone else’s worries burdening me. It’s just all very unnecessary if you ask me.

I know how this all sounds: it sounds like someone who has been dumped. I’ll give a little on that one, but I think it’s what I’ve learned since then that has affected my point of view more than the actual act of being dumped. You see, I found out that I was waiting for the perfect guy to come into my life before I decided to take care of myself, but then I realized that I didn’t have to wait (I know…I’m a little slow). I started serving myself the way I would serve my family if I had one. I keep my house clean now and I plan, make, and serve myself dinner every night at the dinner table…and I never complain about what’s for dinner! I make sure that I’m at activities on time and I clip coupons. The only thing not in the equation is someone else to complicate things. I’m still complete and completely satisfied. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. In fact, I feel like I’d miss out on a whole lot more if I were married!

I don’t believe in love and marriage. You can tell me what it’s about all you want, but as long as it’s just talk, talk, talk, I will never believe it. The only way I can believe that having someone to share my life with is better than what I have now is if someone proves it.

Good luck…

Broken Hearts

2009-03-30T20:43:00.004-04:00

A broken heart really is like nothing else. I'm almost positive it's about as close to death as you can be without actually being dead, and that's why most people avoid it. There are those that act like everything is just fine, and there are those that wear the broken heart on their sleeve. Then there are those like me...they die. I died...or at least I was as close to death as I could be without actually being dead...I slept as much as I could, I didn't eat, I went numb, I didn't feel or think, at times I even stopped breathing. My friends and co-workers said I even looked pale and lifeless. In fact, many people actually welcomed me back when I finally shook it!

So yeah, I loved hard knowing that if it failed, I would also fall hard....and I fell really hard...but only for a while. It happened last Monday night and I was beginning to live again by Wednesday afternoon. I don't know what happened really, but I guess I just embraced it.

I can't go back; I can only move forward.

I was fabulous when I was with someone and I'm fabulous without him!

And I can't say that I regret anything! I didn't get a friend out of the deal, but I got away with some other great things that I'm not sure I would have gained so quickly had I not met him. Through him, God taught me the value of gratitude, showed me a great example of servanthood, and most of all, helped me be less afraid of everyday life. So, if that was the purpose of having a great guy in my life only for a short period of time, then I have to say that walking with the pain for a while is worth walking with the gain forever.

Will someone please tell me....

2009-03-23T21:18:00.000-04:00

WHAT WAS THE POINT?????????

Beginning to understand relationships?

2009-03-22T22:12:00.002-04:00

For a while now I've been questioning what the point of relationships is. I've only recently begun to understand the purpose of friendships and even of aquaintanceships (is that a word?); but the guy-girl thing has been a complete mystery. However, I think that mystery is starting to unfold.

My friendships are valuable to me because they serve as outlets for me. They also give me a chance to practice First Corinthians 13 love. And lately, I've begun to see my friendships as another area in life in which to serve someone. The people I meet only once, and those people who I talk to occasionally at work or church give me a chance to build community and to serve. I've discovered lately that there is untold joy in serving others, no matter how small the act of service is--smiling at a stranger, saying hello to the outcast at work, asking a co-worker how their doctor's appointment went or how their kids are doing, allowing someone else to take the parking spot next to the door, opening the door for someone, etc etc etc. However, I could serve friends, aquaintances, and strangers all day but come home at night and somehow feel like I'm still missing something.

I love investing in other people's lives. I love to bring a smile to someone's face. I love spreading joy and hope and love and truth to those that I come in contact with. In return, I receive joy and purpose. But still something feels like it's missing. When I say that, though, I feel like I'm being selfish or ungrateful. Maybe I am, but I think I may also have begun to realize what the guy-girl relationship really means to me.

At the end of the day, I come home to an empty house, a list of chores (that do or do not have to be done since I'm the only one my mess affects), and my thoughts. Even though I have friends that I can hang out with or talk to any time, by nature, friends only invest so much into each others lives. A "significant other," by nature, has chosen to invest much deeper, more vulnerably, more raw and real into your life specifically.

My friendships and aquaintances have an overflowing influence in my life, but I'm still lonely. It is the one person whom I have chosen to invest my life in and who has chosen to invest their life in me that I believe can take that away.

Genesis 2:18

Proud

2009-03-21T12:53:00.002-04:00

I ran my first 5K this morning! My goals were very very low:

Goal #1: Show up.
Goal #2: If you show up, run the race.
Goal #3: If you run the race, finish it.

I can be proud that I set and reached all my goals, but I probably should have set my sights a little higher, and I think I actually had some greater, unspoken expectations for myself because even though I reached all my goals I ended the race very disappointed in myself and sobbed the whole drive home. Why? Well, I totally psyched myself out...it began about 6 minutes into the race. Right before the race started, I began to feel like I had to pee. I thought it was just nerves and that it would go away...it didn't go away. So, I began thinking to myself, "It's COOL to pee your pants!" However, it was near freezing this morning, I knew that I would be totally miserable (not to mention humiliated) if I ran the race with wet pants. I mean, if you're a marathoner who is running in order to win, then it's totally acceptable to pee and/or poop your pants during a race--it's forgiveable and the prize money is a great consolation. However, if you are an every day runner running at the back of the pack who is just trying to prove to yourself that you can set a goal and stick to it, then it's not quite as acceptable. People would probably think I have mental problems (or perhaps bladder problems?). So 7 1/2 minutes after starting the race, I stopped at the school and used the restroom. After that, my positivity started diving..."Way to go. You're a failure. I can't believe you are going to come in last place just because you had to pee. I knew you would find some way to screw up." I tried to pick myself back up. Just as I was beginning to shrug off my pit-stop, I got a massive cramp in my side. I wasn't expecting this because I hardly ever get cramps when I run. It was so bad that I could hardly breathe...and I was less than two miles into the race. By the time the cramp went away, I was half mentally defeated and started to feel sorry for myself....no one was cheering me on, there would be no one to congratulate me at the end....just an enormous crowd of strangers.

Well, I finished the race. My body felt great at the end, but my mind was defeated. It wasn't until after I got home that I was able to pick myself up again. This really was NOT a big deal. Not something to get upset about. I entered the race for the experience only...and I got some experience, learned some lessons, and reached my goals. On top of that, I looked up my time online when I got back and found out that I clocked 36:34...and that's with having to go off course and take a pit-stop (plus, I took the time to wash my hands). I'm guessing that whole deal cost me about 7 minutes. If indeed it was 7 minutes, then I ran my fastest pace to date this morning!

Here's some things I learned:

1.) Have someone there to support you, whether they are on the side cheering you on or actually running with you.
2.) Go to the bathroom right before the race starts whether you feel like you have to go or not.
3.) Prepare mentally as much as you do physically.

Hopefully with these things in mind, I will be able to run a better 5K next month!

Whatever

2009-02-16T23:43:00.002-05:00

I'd really like to comment about how I feel about my life right now, but it would honestly be such a hodge-podge of mumbo-jumbo and little smidge of poppy-cock, not to mention a healthy serving of self-pity and raw, inconsiderate emotion that I'm sure I would post this and regret it later. So, instead of painting a picture, I'll just give you the "colors."

limbo

sad

letting go of an illusion

angry at myself

angry at God

self-absorbed

unsure

ready to give up for good.

Trust God Instead

2009-02-14T13:05:00.003-05:00

I've been cheating God and myself for the past month and a half. I've been trying to fool myself and God, but that only lasts for so long until the truth is buried so deep under a growing pile of lies that it makes you physically ill.

Last June, I wrote in my blog Single for a Year, "That nagging question 'What if Mr. Right comes along tomorrow?' occassionally enters my mind. The truth is that if he is 'Mr. Right' he'll still be around when God tells me it's ok to get into a relationship... As perfect as the relationship may seem to me, I am going to trust God instead."

Honestly, right now I regret writing that. I regret believing it. I regret committing to it. Despite my present regret, though, I KNOW that I spoke that out of wisdom and clarity. When I look back, there are very few times in my life when I really felt like I made a good and right decision, but that day was one of those very rare days.

Since then, my heart has been swept away by a wonderful guy that appears to be able to offer me the type of relationship I've always dreamt of. It's hard to think clearly when all your dreams seem to be unfolding right in front of your face. However, Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways, know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths." There was a reason for my committment to being single for a year. God knew the depth of that committment and has and is holding me to it. He knew that Aaron would come along. He knew that I would be swept away. He knew that I would have to face today--the day I would realize that I have not been true to my committment and, as a result, would have to put a relationship on hold.

If I haven't learned anything else in the last few months, the one thing I have learned is that no matter how much it hurts to let go of someone, no matter how hard it is to wait on God's timing, no matter how little sense a decision seems to make, trusting God provides a peace that heals.

May those words, "...I am going to trust God instead" always be the deciding factor....

I am completely...

2009-02-09T21:22:00.001-05:00

exhausted...

confused...

numb...

curious...

angry...

annoyed...

over-analytical...

irrational...

in need of a hug.

Saturdays

2009-02-07T20:13:00.002-05:00

Weekends are great, huh?

I can't think of anything better than waking up 4 hours later than normal and going to bed 16 hours later wearing the same clothes you woke up in and have been wearing all day long.

There's nothing more relaxing than watching the same movie three times in one day at different times of the day, or reading a hundred pages of a new book, or stuffing your face full of comfort food all day long.

It's nice to have the chance to get bored.

It's carefree to not have a plan or a list of things to do. I like being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it...

...I just never realized before how lonely I was...

Life Lessons I've Learned Through Running

2009-02-07T09:39:00.004-05:00

* Keeping a steady pace sometimes feels difficult and boring, but you always feel better in the end.

* Short people have to put in twice the effort that tall people do.

* If you stop running, it's hard to start up again.

* When the goal seems so far away and things start getting tough, look up.

* If you and your running partner don't make each other better runners, drop him/her.

* Reaching the goal is worth the pain it takes to get there.

* When you think you can't go on, keep running.

* Never spit into the wind.

Big Plans

2009-01-23T21:11:00.003-05:00

Ok. I'm back again and I'm a little more *eh hem* sane this time.

I've decided to just accept the way I feel, yet continue to make right choices. This way, I don't have to continue being an "either/or" person--that person that overanalyzes every decision or feeling, and never feels settled or has closure.

For way too long, I've told myself to either think or feel; either dive in completely, or pretend it doesn't exist; either be the best, or don't try at all. Over the last year or so, I've been trying to be more balanced in my approach to life. This new guy in my life is forcing me to actually BE balanced instead of just thinking about it. My initial struggle in this situation was either bag the year-long commitment, or bag the guy. I didn't want to decide either way, so I tried to make the decision his. I tried to scare him away. I told him he would have to wait 5 months before I could go on a date with him; he said he'd wait a year if he had to. I told him I have an anxiety disorder; he said he wants to help me through it. I told him I would be testing him; he told me to test away! I told him I was trying to scare him away; he said I'd have to try harder. Before him, I either took the hardest approach to an event in my life or the easiest. With him, I'm realizing that one event in life can be a combination of struggle and ease in order to come to pleasant conclusion. It's a struggle to wait 4 more months to share my heart and my life with him, but the price we pay now will be worth the friendship and trust we will build over this time.

Anyway, I hadn't actually planned on sitting down and writing about him. My original idea really seems quite trivial now...boring actually...but on I go! My plans for this evening:

-Be lazy.

-Do not get in comfortable clothes. Get comfortable in the clothes you're in.

-Slam a couple Cokes.

-Eat a Little Ceasar's Hot-N-Ready pizza. (Incidentally, it was hot, but not ready, which is unfortunate since I was really hungry and wanted it fast, but then when I got it home, it was too hot to eat right away, so I had to wait even longer before partaking. I'm going to market the new "Cooled-off-N-Ready" pizza).

-Soak in a hot bath like a beached whale (Hm...I guess that doesn't make much sense, but, oh well, that leads me to the next thing on the list...

-Don't hit "backspace." Go with the flow).

-Curl up with the puppy and read a good book.

-Play guitar (This has been on the list almost every day for the last 6 years and has yet to happen. Very sad, indeed. I used to love playing).

-Write a blog (check!)

-Put off grocery shopping and cleaning the house until tomorrow (check!)

-Make two lists: what I need at the store and what I can afford at the store.

And there you have it! The ordinary Friday night of an introverted bachelorette and her scared-stiff puppy dog.

It's a'ight. I'm diggin' it...

Frantic

2009-01-21T18:49:00.002-05:00

I've been feeling too much and thinking way too much to stay calm anymore, so this is going to be almost completely stream of consciousness hubbub for the next few minutes. The only way I can console myself right now is to "blah" and keep "blahing" until this goes away.

Feeling? Feeling what? Love, or something like it?? More likely, I'm enamoured. I'm completely swept off my feet. All this "feeling" while my brain is telling me that it is impossible that he is so great, that I could know (or think I know?) that he's perfect for me after only a month. This all must be a joke. When I look back at my "list" *check check check* it's all there! How can that be?? I'm an optimist when things are going badly, but when things are good, like really good, like this, I'm a total pessimist. I'm waiting for something to hit the fan. I'm just waiting for it all to crumble into a million tiny pieces. But seriously, it's like I went to the "Build-A-Mate" store and customized a mate for myself. Is this a total blessing from God, or a cruel joke?

By the way, remember that snide blog about finding Superman?? Well, his middle name is "Clark." Cruel! Cruel! Cruel!

*breathe*

Ok...I don't really feel much better. Rachel, call me.

Mr. Right

2009-01-06T21:57:00.000-05:00

Waiting is easy until you find what you’re waiting for…

Nearly 7 months ago, I declared that I would be single for a year. I was determined to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT. If a guy I thought was “Mr. Right” came along, he would have to wait (see entry from June called “Single for a Year”). There’s a part of me that knew someone would come along during the year that would make me want to try to wriggle myself out of this commitment. I was right.

So far he’s everything I want and need in a guy. And whether it’s God’s fulfillment of my heart’s desire or it’s a trick of the devil, he even has all the unimportant things I wanted in a guy, but didn’t require – drives a pick-up, was in the Air Force, is handy, can cook, clean, and do laundry, and is extremely...(how should I put this?)…well, he gives Brad Pitt a run for his money. And here’s the kicker…I told him about my commitment to being single for a year and he said he would wait for me—5 months, 1 year, however long I need! He seems too good to be true. Mom always said, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
Right?

So, I have my guard WAY up.

I WILL FULFILL THE COMMITMENT I MADE TO GOD AND TO MYSELF!

I WILL NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING.

Although I have nothing to base this on, I doubt he’ll be around in 5 months. But I have to trust that God knew this guy would come along before my commitment was up. Maybe this guy is just a test…or maybe he’s…………...NO! I have to remind myself that I’ve thought that about every decent guy that has come along, and so far I’ve been wrong 100% of the time! I guess the only thing I know for sure is that I don’t know anything…

…and that I must keep waiting…

Of course '09 will suck, but...

2009-01-02T13:08:00.004-05:00

I'm not gonna lie; 2008 had some really bad moments--bad break-up, bad housing market, bad panic attack. The irony of it all is that the things that sucked in '08 are the same things that rocked about '08. The break-up led to lessons in forgiveness, the bad housing market led to lessons in contentment, and the panic attacks and anxiety led to a lesson in letting go of control.

All in all, 2008 was a great year for me! That's why 2009 is not about ridding myself of the old and starting afresh. It's about continuing to grow in the wisdom that 2008 brought. I don't think I'll be at all surprised by anything in the New Year. Of course, 2009 will suck just like 2008 did, but I'm positive that as a redeemed child of God, the bad, the difficult, the dreaded, the horrific, and all the terrifying moments that await me in 2009 will be redeemed by God's goodness.

Happy New Year!

Waiting for Superman

2008-12-21T17:41:00.002-05:00

So, I've been snowed in pretty much since Friday. It's cold, snowy, but also quite peaceful (when I'm not digging myself out of 3 feet of snow every 2 hours). Being snowed in with a dog and no human contact has refreshed my "loner" side. I've actually enjoyed being alone; I've really enjoyed doing nothing! In fact, I've come to realize that if I had the choice between going out and hanging out with a bunch of people or staying home by myself and watching a movie or reading a book, about 99% of the time, I would rather stay home.

But I'm confused. Just a few months back, I wanted to always be doing something. I loved having a busy schedule. Meeting new people and hanging out late on a "school night" was fun and refreshing. Oddly enough, at that time, I took a personality test that showed I was introverted--"Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving," to be exact, and I thought "No way! I'm not introverted by any means." Well, it has caught up with me. It started with grunting and groaning to get myself out of the house. Gradually, I began to find that being busy 5 out of 7 nights a week exhausted me. Then I started finding ways to get out of leaving the house. Now I'm perfectly comfortable loafing in front of the TV at night with just my dog. Of course, while I sit here by myself in this cold house, not having spoken a vocal word to anyone in over 24 hours, yet still longing to have a good conversation with someone who is close to me, I wonder what kind of personality my future (if existent) husband should have. Should he be introverted, like me, so that I won't be forced out of the house when I don't want to be? Or should he be extroverted, so that I don't become a bored recluse? I guess I should fall back on past experience to answer this question. Here's the answer: I was formerly engaged to a fellow introvert. Formerly engaged. I don't think I can handle a relationship with someone who also would rather stay in 99% of the time because it's only when I'm trapped inside with one other person for a long period of time that I want to go out. But when I go out, I want that person to be with me. Anyway, this introvert-introvert combination did not work for me.

So, what kind of guy would best suit me? The answer, according to Facebook (and we all know that Facebook quizzes reveal the quintessence of who we really are), is Superman. Yes, Superman. Gee, that shouldn't be too difficult! Talk about setting the bar high. I guess once I start dating again, I will have to check them off the list if they can't fly me across the continent, or leap tall buildings, and especially if they can't wear tights, a cape, and underwear and look absolutely fabulous!

I won't get my hopes up.

Lessons

2008-12-18T18:58:00.006-05:00

Lesson 1: If something has been in the refrigerator for almost a year, it is not necessary to open the container and smell it to see if it is throw away-able. I mean, seriously, even if it didn't smell like a turd covered in burnt hair, am I really going to eat something that has been in there for so long? Me thinks "no."

Lesson 2: If you clean out all the old smelly "food" from the fridge, and the fridge is empty when you are done, it may be time to go grocery shopping.

Lesson 3: If hanging out with people too many nights in a row is exhausting, it is probably best not to get a roommate.

Lesson 4: Sometimes telling someone how you feel about them eliminates the feeling altogether.

Lesson 5: Empathy to the degree that you vicariously feel the pain someone else feels really sucks.

Lesson 6: When I become too comfortable, I know it's a good time to remember a bad time. This way I remember why I'm thankful.

Lesson 7: Guys are trouble. Especially incredibly good-looking, strong, rustic, sweet, confident, interesting, funny ones that can turn an entirely crappy week into a great week in a matter of minutes... *sigh*

Lesson 8: The most important role in life is that of a character in God's story.

Truth in Simplicity

2008-12-10T00:29:00.002-05:00

Life is complicated without us complicating it, yet for some reason we seem to be drawn toward complicating everything!

I caught a glimpse of the news this morning just as I was headed out to run. The story was about this whole deal with legalizing gay marriage. Some people were angry, some were "cautiously optimistic" about the eventual legalization of gay marriage.

I read a Newsweek article online today that defended gay marriage using the Bible. (Incidentally, two authors were needed to come up with enough BS to complete the article!)

I had a discussion with a group of people tonight about heaven, pre-, post-, and omni-milleniallism (sp?), spirit, soul, and body and what we are in heaven, yada yada yada.

I pushed someone's buttons about tax policy just because I knew it would stir him up (sorry your facebook was the soapbox, Aunt Linda :) ).

I have opinions about all these things, some strong, some vulnerable. To be honest, the only thing I got out of watching the news, reading the article, discussing theology, and questioning politics is confirmation that God is who he says he is. God IS. That's all that matters.

...pretty simple, huh?

Advent Conspiracy

2008-12-07T21:30:00.002-05:00

I saw this at Lifeline tonight. I thought it was pretty darn cool. Take a look. It's only 2 minutes.

Abundant Life

2008-12-07T09:37:00.006-05:00

I love this verse from John.

John 10:10

"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)."

After I read this verse, I have to ask myself if I'm living an abundant life. For the most part, I'm enjoying my life. Last year was the first time in my life I can remember actually being happy to be alive. But am I living it in abundance, to the full, until it overflows?? Jesus said that he came to give me that kind of life, so I believe that to be true. But if I'm honest with myself, I would have to say that right now I'm not living an abundant life.

Of course, I also have to ask myself what an abundant life looks like for me. Abundant life is not getting everything I want and never having anything bad happen to me. In fact, I feel like the most abundance has come through hardship. So, I think abundant life simply means trusting God. It means accepting that bad or even annoying things will happen, like having anxiety every time I leave the house, gaining weight, being single for the rest of my life, losing my health, losing someone I love, or losing everything I own, but knowing--body, mind, and soul--that somehow God can make abundance from brokenness.

Right now my life appears to be ok. I'm going through the motions. I go where I'm expected to be. I push myself to go places and do things even when I'm afraid to leave the house. But when I go out and I'm scared to death and I'm around a lot of people, I check out. Physically I'm there, and something inside me (soul?) wants to break out and enjoy the people around me and every sight, sound, and smell, but some other part of me (mind) has locked myself inside myself. It's like for the last however many years, I've only seen everything through a screen of anxiety. Everything even appears to be a shade of gray....

I'm not living an abundant life, but I know that I can. I know that I need to trust God more. There are some things I have no problem trusting him with. I can trust him when my heart is broken and I can trust him when I have no money and no food in refrigerator because I've been in these situations and he has reformed the broken pieces. But how do I trust him with a fear that has infiltrated EVERY part of my life? Even trust?

I don't know how it will happen, but I'm determined to live an abundant life.

Soul with a mind, living in a body

2008-12-05T17:09:00.004-05:00

I am a soul that has a mind and walks around in a body....

I've had to remind myself of this over and over again in the past few weeks. For so many months, I was on such a spiritual high that I didn't really care about all the dumb (but completely normal) stuff I used to care about like my weight, the way I looked, relationships with guys, etc. My focus was on God and doing what He wants me to do. I guess it all started to come back when I started to feel comfortable...like I have a "niche." Now all that old stuff is back.

I'm tempted to say that's just "normal," but I'm not comfortable calling that normal for me as a Jesus follower. In his book The Green Letters, Miles Stanford quotes J.E. Conant who said, "Christian living is not our living with Christ's help, it is Christ living His life in us." Stanford follows up by quoting Paul in the book of Philippians where he said, "For to me to live is Christ" and, "I can do all things through Christ." The way I understand it is this: First of all, my life is only a part of God's story, it's not MY story. Secondly, I am a human made of flesh, so obviously I will have these feelings and desires and disappointments, but my true self, me as a new creation, is Christ in me, or my soul. My soul is the only TRULY living part of me and it's the only thing that will continue to live. All the other cares will pass away. But even knowing that doesn't make the other crap go away because I'm still a dag-gum human being! All this brings me to the unfortunate conclusion that I have to stop avoiding negativity at all costs and learn how to deal with it as a soul instead of as flesh. For instance, I've gained 10 pounds since July. The flesh part of me feels horrible and thinks I'm not attractive anymore and will sacrifice my health to lose the weight. The soul part of me, the true part of me, wants to be healthy, delights that God made me just the way he wants me to be and that He thinks I'm beautiful and that's all that matters. Now the question is: How do I get my brain on the soul side? It was effortless when I was on a spiritual high, but how do I do that now that the vacation is over? The Bible says, "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind," but how do I do that?

There's a lot here to puzzle myself over, but knowing that my new self is Christ in me, I know that I don't have to be deceived into believing that anything else truly matters except God's story.

I am a soul that has a mind and walks around in a body.

Black What???

2008-11-29T23:47:00.002-05:00

While millions of people stood in line in the dark hours before the retail stores opened, I was wrapped tightly in a heavy, warm quilt on Grandma's living room sofa.

While millions of people breathed each other's air in crowded aisles and stood in long check-out lines, I walked along the gravel roads that lie between yellow fields that stretch out into the infinite sky and breathed the freshest air I've breathed for almost a year.

If you ask me, I got the best deal of the season on black Friday.

Scattered thoughts and Cardboard Testimonies

2008-11-24T18:31:00.002-05:00

Man, I've sat down here to write about 4 times since Friday and I can't seem to complete a thought. So, here are some thoughtlets:

1.) Probably one of the greatest disservices someone can do God and other people is try to appear perfect. Of course, this is a slap in God's face because He's the only one who is perfect. The more I try to appear perfect, the less of God people see in me. Let's say I do something stupid like say something mean about someone and they find out and approach me about it. I could try to save my perfect reputation and lie about it, or I could just come out and say, "Yeah, I said that. I was in a bad mood and I let it get the best of me. I'm really sorry. I hope you can forgive me." Which scenario are people more likely to see Jesus in? The one where I ALWAYS appear to do and say the right thing, or the one where I screw up, but take the difficult and humiliating road of...well, humility, which I could never do without Christ???

2.) I've been really busy lately. It's not been "bad" busy...I've actually had a lot of fun. However, I'm finding that even "fun" busy is still busy and wearing. If I don't have time to think through the events of the day, all my thoughts, feelings, impressions, etc. get jumbled up into a big anxiety ball...that's right...and anxiety ball. I need time to process, rest, and sometimes even get bored.

3.) I participated in a cardboard testimony thing at church on Sunday. It was extremely powerful to see a display of what people struggled with before Christ and then to see how Christ changed them. One of the most touching for me was a guy who had "I have MS" on one side of his board, and on the other side he wrote, "God is My Savior." The "M" in "My" and the "S" in "Savior" were underlined. Another guy wrote "Addicted to Porn" on one side, and on the other, "Addicted to God." It was hard to find a dry eye in the audience. I'm sure there are a number of reasons people were so touched by the testimonies. For one, it's awesome to see exactly how God has changed a person. But also, I think a lot of people were convicted. So often we go to church and bury our sorrows, afflictions, and addictions, or we try to ignore them altogether. But when someone goes up to the front of the church and says, "Hey, look! I struggled with (porn, anger, loneliness, fear, insecurity, fill in the blank) every Sunday as I sat in these pews just like you. But I finally let God get a strong hold on me and now look...I'm free!" And the thing is, people think that if they are Christians, they shouldn't have strongholds. That's why they try to appear perfect or they try to ignore their problems. How can you ever begin to be set free from your problems if you keep ignoring them? God's not ignoring them...what makes you think you can?

This isn't from our church, but this is the type of thing we did:

Pretty amazing, huh?

If only work could be more like this...

2008-11-23T16:10:00.001-05:00

Taking a "Splash" for Jesus!

2008-11-16T10:48:00.002-05:00

After hearing that I was getting baptized, a guy from Union came up to me and said, "Glad to see you're making a splash for Jesus!" Very corny. I tried not to think about that comment while I was standing up there. That, along with all the other things I was afraid I would think about while I was up there, like: water wings, nose plugs, goggles, rubber duckies, making bubbles in the baptismal, being dropped, having to be double-dunked (This is not unheard of! Someone who was baptized last week had to be double-dunked, and someone who was baptized after me was double-dunked!).

Actually, I don't remember much about it once I got in the tub. Someone read my testimony...I don't remember hearing her speaking. All I remember was looking for family and friends, thinking how wonderfully warm the water was, and being confused about where I should put my hands.

Even though the baptism was only a symbol of the cleansing God has done in my life, it actually felt like a completion to this year of turmoil. I was only under water for a second, but it seemed much longer because while I was submerged in the warmth, silence, and darkness, I felt peace and, as silly as this sounds, a feeling that I was actually clean. In fact, I felt wrong about putting the old clothes back on that I had come in. It was a very emotional and symbolic thing for me...kinda like a wedding, I guess. It was great to have my family and so many of my friends there. A couple of my Lifeline girls even came! Yesterday is a day I won't forget!

My testimony will be available on the church website soon. Check it out if you're so inclined:

http://www.adabible.org/testimonies

If I had the chance to thank them all, I would

2008-11-11T18:16:00.006-05:00

Thank you:

Jon Hazen
Adam Kohler
Adam Lippert
Brian Shotts
Bill Shotts
Ron Green
Robert Nickel
Caleb Key
Norm Fenton
Jason Roossien
Bobby Kiely
Bob Crans
Mike Berthold
Chris Parker

The Risk of Love

2008-11-10T18:34:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine got fired. It happened on Friday, but I didn’t find out until I walked out of the coffee kitchen, which sits directly across from his cubical, and found his office completely empty. I expressed a few words of shock, grasped for any other explanation for why his office is empty--he switched cubes, maybe he was trying to straighten up his office, etc.--and finally was told “Yeah. It happened Friday.” Immediately, my throat tightened up and my head started to ache in front of unreleasable tears. I stomped into my office and screamed, “I can’t believe they fired Alan! I hate this place!”

This episode was not helpful to my issue with permanence. Everything tangible in life is also temporary, so that means that everything is temporary. The only things on this earth that are not temporary are emotions. So, if I’m hurt by someone or something, that lasts forever in some form or another. It’s hard to say the same of positive emotions, like happiness or love. It’s so easy to let hurt linger, but so difficult to let happiness linger, isn’t it?

Besides my friend getting fired, this issue has resurfaced because tomorrow my mom goes in for a procedure to have some abnormal cells removed from her cervix. The chance that she could get cervical cancer is extremely low, but I had already worked myself up into a frenzy before I researched the prognosis of mild dysplasia. I mean, if something happened to her, I know I could deal with it, but I don’t think it would be pretty. It’s hard enough on a day to day basis not to give up on “the narrow path.” Throw sickness and death in there and I can only hope that the habit of walking with God through difficult times will kick in. I believe it would. It’s just one of those things you don’t know if you can deal with until you have to deal with it.

But anyway, realizing that everything in my life is temporary makes me wonder if finding love, friendship, and acceptance on earth is even worth the risk. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Sometimes I seriously doubt that. Love may be worth it because you are enriching someone else’s life, but relationship may not be. I wonder if the two really go hand-in-hand. In my opinion, love is something you choose to do; in other words, it’s not a feeling….and I think the deepest feelings are formed through relationships.

It makes me wonder if I should ever get married, even if I wanted to. What if the pain of loss is stronger than the delight of love? I know that God is with me through all my hurts; I’ve experienced that. But wouldn’t it be better just to avoid hurt altogether? But then again, sometimes the pain of loneliness is worse than the pain of loss.

Maybe when I really begin to believe that, I’ll think about getting into a relationship. Until then, what about my relationships with my friends? I’m tempted to keep them at arm’s length, too. But maybe it’s the pain of loss or the possibility of loss that keeps us in check with God. Maybe I should just go all out with loving people, knowing that I will get hurt, but that God is bigger than my pain. Maybe I should be vulnerable since I know who I am in Christ, and knowing who I am in Christ means that I know that only He can love me perfectly, and that He is bigger than my pain.

Maybe the risk of love is worth the comfort I receive from Him when I hurt.

The Week in Review

2008-11-09T21:36:00.005-05:00

Monday: Started the countdown to Friday. Nothing new.

Tuesday: I know something important happened on Tuesday, but I can't remember what it was. JK! Of course, it was the election. How can i forget the hippie lady standing in front of me in line who kept trying to get everyone to sing the national anthem?? She tried a couple times. With diminishing confidence, she would sing, "OH SAY CAN YOU SEE? By the...dawn's...hnearly...high...hm hm hmMmm...." then complete silence... It was annoying, but entertaining nonetheless.

Tuesday night was, of course, Union, which, of course, rocked! But I realized something about myself. It started when i told a friend of mine that I wanted to do ministry full-time, and ended with me getting annoyed by a couple people at Union. Why was I annoyed? Simply because these people were being "overly" relational. That's my term for it, but I suppose they were just trying to get to know me. It was annoying to me because I just wanted to chill with my friends and catch up with them. Wednesday morning, God was like, "Do you really want to do ministry full-time, or is it just that you want to do it for money?" And I was like, "Too-shay!" And that's when I realized that full-time ministry isn't just 9-5, Monday through Friday, when it's convenient for me. It's all the time: when I'm standing in line at the grocery store, when I'm standing in line to vote (I regret that I did not join in the song), when I'm driving my car, when I'm interacting with my friends, when I'm alone at home. What I consider ministry is a 24/7 thing. My conclusion? It's going to be hard, but I whole-heartedly want to do it...even if it means answering and asking question after annoying question. It's giving all my time for God and trusting that when it's time to rest, He will provide.

Wednesday: Obama wins the election. Some people are upset, some (apparently the majority) are excited to tears (Oprah), and almost every gets angry at some point during the day, either because of the results of the election or because others aren't as excited about it as others. Hey! Should be an interesting 4 years...or maybe 8...

Thursday: Didn't have anything to do Thursday night and was completely bored. This shows how far I've come. I used to be perfectly content not having things to do on weeknights, but now I think I may be addicted to socializing. But hey, at least it was Friday Eve!

Thursday evening: Watched Grey's Anatomy and bawled my eyes out! I mean, seriously, melo-drama can't get any better than an old man fruitlessly pumping his wife's heart. Awww...I just wanted to squeeze him!

And then there's The Office. All I have to say is: "That's what she said! That's what she said! That's what she said!"

Friday: Got to go to Olive Garden at lunch for free! Had the most boring day at work, however. Finally told my boss I was extremely bored with my job and need a challenge. She placed another job at Comcast under my nose. It's a bit more challenging simply because it's different. I would at least get to work with other people in this job. However, I'm ready to move out of the cable industry altogether. But maybe I should take the job anyway, just to get me through. Any suggestions?

Friday night: Spent the evening at church participating in the junior high worship night. It was fantastic! It was so awesome to see so many junior highers so passionate about praising their God. After my Lifeline girls have graduated and if I'm still in Grand Rapids and if I'm still energetic enough at 31, I think I'll circle back around to junior high and commit to spending 6th-12th grade with my group. What a crazy group of kids those junior highers are! I should fit right in!

Saturday: Went to my favorite place in Grand Rapids, Barnes and Noble. I go there every Saturday morning, order coffee, and read the first chapters of about 15 books. This Saturday I had a purpose. I was meeting the parents of the girls in my small group. Unfortunately, none of them showed up. The good news is that I got to read the first 3rd of a fabulous book by Fredrick Buechner called "Telling Secrets." He is an incredible writer. His thoughts flow so seamlessly that you can't really put the book down until a chapter ends. So, don't start reading his books if you only have a few minutes before you have to start supper, or go pick up the kids. His books are for snowy afternoons in front of the fireplace. And if you've never read Fredrick Buecher, then "Telling Secrets" is a great book to start with. It's an autobiography that begins with his father's suicide. I wanted to buy it, but Barnes didn't have it in their used book section. They also didn't have Italo Calvino's "If on a winter's night a traveler" in the used book section, so I went to Bargain Books and bought that one. I told my friend, Annie, that I was reading it, and she asked me what it was about. I couldn't really tell her. It wasn't because the book is uninteresting; it's because the book is crazy. It messes with your mind. If you have nothing to do this week, please stop by the bookstore and read the first two chapters of Italo Calvino's "If on a winter's night a traveler" and tell me what you thought. I think it's fabulous!

The rest of Saturday was spent in warm, cozy, lazy, procrastinating bliss on my couch, followed by an early bedtime, which continued on said couch. This, my friends, was a glorious sabbath!

...and that is my week in review...

Why Obama is Good For Me

2008-11-06T17:58:00.006-05:00

I wasn’t informed enough about McCain’s policies to vote FOR him, but I voted for him as a vote AGAINST Obama.

(I think McCain is an awesome guy. Very few can claim the heroism he can, but doesn’t. The guy broke both arms and a leg and almost drowned when his plane was shot down in Vietnam (try staying above water with 50 lbs. of gear on your back…now try it with two broken arms and a broken leg). Then he survived a contaminated POW camp where he received little to no medical care for 5 ½ years. The fact that he lived is a miracle. This is not a man anyone should be calling “weak,” as I’ve heard my co-workers describe him. Read the complete story here: http://www.usnews.com/articles/news/2008/01/28/john-mccain-prisoner-of-war-a-first-person-account.html)

So, when I woke up on Wednesday morning to learn that Obama was going to be our new president, I must admit, I felt a heaviness in my chest. Admittedly (and hysterically), I got really quiet and listened for any noises outside that would indicate the end of world. Alas, I didn’t hear anything of the sort.

I realized that the impending sense of doom that I felt was irrational and stupid, but nevertheless, I still felt it. During my run, I prayed that God would change my heart. By the time I was done showering that morning, I was actually really excited about the election results. In fact, someone at work said I looked happy (which is huge for me since I apparently always look bored…at least according to one co-worker). I’m assuming he thought my happiness was because of the results of the election. My happiness had nothing to do with the election, and it had everything to do with the election.

Even though I didn’t vote for him, I’m glad Barak Obama was elected. *collective gasp* It was ultimately, the campaign slogans that won me over. Not his, mind you, but my own personal campaign slogan: “politics has officially become a religion”--this directed mostly at Obama supporters with their sparkling eyes gazing in awe at their candidate, deceiving themselves into thinking that he will be their salvation, and boldly proclaiming the gospel of “change.” But Wednesday morning, when I awoke with a feeling of emptiness and oppression, I realized that my campaign slogan also applied to me. Why would I have felt emptiness and oppression? Could it possibly have been because I was also putting a measure of my hope and security in the government? Absolutely! Would I feel that emptiness and fear if I had truly had God first in my life? Absolutely not!

It’s sad, really, to realize that the sweep of a political party took another piece of my earthly security. But oddly, I feel free again! I feel like someone has stomped on the tidy little American Christian conservative box I’ve been carrying around for years that I have claimed contains God, only to find it completely empty. What a great discovery! You mean the God I love and worship isn’t bound by political parties, laws, and economics after all?? You mean the president is no longer my Christian spokesperson? Brilliant! (Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against President Bush, but I think part of the reason so many people hate him is because he tried to install godliness in a nation that obviously is not interested in godliness. God didn’t even do that, and in fact, He refused to do it!)

To borrow from the president-elect, now indeed, it’s time for a change. This is our chance! This is an incredible opportunity to trust God; to live our faith. This is a chance for us to get our minds out of the law and into the Gospels; to get our hearts out of politics and into the body of Christ; to get our hands out of Washington and into our communities. In essence, this is a chance for us to stop being politicians and start being apostles. Brothers and sisters, this is what we were made to do—everything else is just a distraction…it is false security…it is weak…it is corrupt…it is fully human!

Since I have no particle of hope in the government anymore, I HAVE to put my hope in God. That’s extremely freeing because I know God will never disappoint the way politicians do. God doesn’t have to be re-elected, He doesn’t have to give inspiring speeches, He doesn’t need to spend billions of dollars, He doesn’t need to convince us of His ability to do the job. He is the beginning and the end of everything. We don’t need a president to redeem us; we have a God who ALREADY HAS redeemed us!

So, why is Obama’s election victory good for me?

…Because it gives me another perfect opportunity to trust God!

Coming Attractions

2008-11-05T21:33:00.002-05:00

I have a ton to say about the election and the next four years and Christianity and politics and what not, but I'm just too dang tired to write about it right now. But stayed tuned for "Why Obama Will Be Good For Me."

Going Home

2008-11-03T18:52:00.001-05:00

So, I went home this weekend. Admittedly, it was a bit of paranoia that goosed me into going. On Thursday, I just happened to think that I now have some extra money, so I could make it home if I wanted. Then I thought maybe I would just save the money. But then I thought, “What if your parents die tomorrow, and you missed seeing them one last time just to save $50?” So, I decided to go. But seriously, wouldn’t that suck if you were like, “Well, my parents are dead, but at least I have this $50!” Yeah… I didn’t want that to be me.

How was my trip home? I guess I could sum it up in two words: relaxing and reflective.
Visiting in the summer is awesome because I get to relax by the pool; visiting in the fall/winter is great because I get to relax in front of the fireplace. It probably wasn’t really cold enough to turn on the fireplace, but whatever…I had to take advantage of the opportunity since I’m going to need to store up on the heat since my house is, like, 30 below in the winter.

To say that I “relaxed” may not be completely accurate. Frankly, I was just lazy. Saturday I didn’t bother to shower or brush my teeth. I loafed in front of the fireplace most of the day, getting up only to use the restroom and eat. It gets worse. There was a point on Saturday evening where my dad and I were both laying on the floor. We wanted to change the channel, but the remote wasn’t within arm’s reach for either of us, so we just watched whatever was on. “Whatever was on” was some Spanish soap opera or something.

If you know my dad, you know it’s very unusual for him to NOT be doing something, let alone be lazy. Unfortunately, my dad wasn’t doing anything because he was in pain. We think he pinched a nerve in his back. My entire life he has never had a pain that would stop him. This weekend he did. It was very unusual for me to see. It was a wake-up call too. I know the pinched nerve may not be a serious thing, but it served to remind me that my parents are getting older. Over the last few weeks and months, both parents have been experiencing some health issues. Dad had to have a biopsy on his prostate. The results showed that there was an “irregularity,” but that it wasn’t cancer…just something to watch. Mom also had some “irregular” cells on her cervix and will be going in next week to have them removed. I’m glad neither of them have cancer, but the “coulds” and the “ifs”—it COULD turn into cancer IF we don’t do something now—feed into my tendency to anticipate the worst for longer than necessary. And it pretty much sucks that life’s timeline dictates that kids leave home as their parents get older. It seems wrong—the less time we have on earth with our parents, the less we see them? That’s very backwards. So, maybe my decision to go home this weekend wasn’t necessarily paranoia so much as a deep understanding of the reality that day by day, I have less time to spend with them.

Besides coming to the realization of having aging parents, this trip home was different in another way. When I left Grand Rapids for Valpo, I felt like I was being sucked back by a vacuum; same thing when I left Valpo headed back for Grand Rapids. There’s a tug of war going on. Grand Rapids, surprisingly, represents to me new life, moving on, and adventure, while Valpo represents comfort, settling down, and rest. I didn’t realize that’s what was going on until my mom said something like, “If you move back to Valpo…”. I hadn’t really thought about it that much while I was in GR, but when she said that, I realized that what I’m seeking in GR, I can’t find in Valpo. I may not even be able to find in GR….or the U.S. for that matter. In Grand Rapids, that thought is exciting; but when I’m in Valpo at the house I grew up in, sitting at the table where I’ve had countless meaningful conversation with my family, that’s a very frightening thought that makes me really sad. John 12:25 says that whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life save it. Valpo represents the life I love. Grand Rapids represents the life I hate. I would love to move home, but I’m afraid I would lose my “life.” Not that I would physically die, but that I would die a little spiritually. But of course, life isn’t just geography. I think I could lose my life every day no matter where I am, but I always thought of Valpo as the place I would settle down. The truth is I don’t feel like I’ll ever settle down. I’m beginning to feel like I wasn’t made for a comfortable, predictable life, even if that’s what I’m drawn to. There’s something much deeper than my desire (maybe God’s desire?) that’s making me hesitant to go back. Maybe it’s just curiosity and adventure, and it will fade away some day too. I just don’t know…not yet anyway…

In the meantime, I have a few things to put me at ease over the next couple months. My parents will be here in two weeks for my baptism. Two weeks after that, I’ll be home for Thanksgiving. Then a month after that I’ll be home for more than a week for Christmas! Until then, I’m just going to enjoy my life here.

Farting Etiquette

2008-10-30T21:00:00.003-04:00

I know I’m asking an age-old question for which there doesn’t seem to be a universal answer: How do you handle it when your boss farts in your cubicle and traps you inside, blatantly ignoring the green cloud that has passed from her rear-end and planted itself around my head? I guess I could have blamed myself for it, or I could have been really mature about it and held my nose and pointed at her. I almost asked her if she farted just to break the ice, but I didn’t want to humiliate her. But really, since it was OBVIOUS that she farted, why not just clear the air, so to speak, by admitting it so we can continue our conversation elsewhere, right? Then I wouldn’t have had to sit in a green cloud for 7 minutes. Record “linger” time, I’m sure….except maybe that time she farted right by the printer and I had to walk through it in order to the leave the room…that may have been 10 minutes.

God, Love, Politics

2008-10-27T20:30:00.006-04:00

I have a lot going on in my head, but I'm not sure I can process it all right here. It's like I've just had a lot going on and not enough time to think it through and now it's just a hopeless jumble of thoughts...in my head it looks a lot like a tangle of Christmas lights, ya know?

I guess the main thing on my mind is Lifeline. I've found what I was made to do. I don't mean that I was necessarily meant to do senior high ministry...maybe I was, but it's actually so much simpler than that. I was made simply to do whatever God asks me to do. Life isn't as predictable, comfortable, or "secure" in the sense that I will likely always be a workplace nomad, I'll probably never have a great retirement fund (of course, who has that hope these days anyway, right?), and it's very possible that I'll never get married. I always wanted those things because they made me feel secure. But at this point in my life, I'm glad to trade all that for the adventure of serving God. I've learned that there's adventure in just waiting on God to tell you to "go" because that could be any time. That could be tomorrow, or even in the middle of the night tonight. It kind of reminds me of a trip I took during my sophomore year of college. My German class went to Germany for a month. The last week of our trip was a "free week" where we could go anywhere we wanted. A couple days before our free week began a friend and I bought plane tickets to Venice. We had no idea what we would do when we got there or where we stay or even if we'd be able to afford it. When we got off the plane in Venice, we had no idea what to do next. Each and every step we took was unplanned. Nevertheless, we found a place to stay (a room in between the second and third floor of a hotel), we enjoyed authentic Italian food, and we managed to stay safe. That's what God is doing--telling me to go, and providing for me along the way. The way things are going, I'm confident that I will not get to the end of my life and wish I had done things differently.

But that pretty much just sums up one portion of my life. The other portion of my life--work--is another story. B-O-R-I-N-G! Work has become unbearable since I started Lifeline. I'm still able to get my work done, but it takes a lot more effort and discipline now to get it done. I would much rather spend my time at work talking to people about God than balancing spreadsheets. The nice thing about work is that I work with some very interesting people. There's one woman at work who is particularly interesting. She's a flaming liberal, agnostic, know-it-all. She's the complete opposite of me, but I find her completely fascinating for some reason. Maybe it's BECAUSE she is so unlike me. Maybe it's because she "beats up" the bullies at work for me. Or maybe it's God's funny way of teaching me that through Him I can love ANYONE. I used to hate people like her (in fact, I couldn't stand her when she first started), but I can truly say that I love her now. Unfortunately, she's a contract worker and probably won't be working with our company much longer, but God has taught me a lot about loving people through this woman. He didn't call me to argue politics or religion with people. He called me to love them. No doubt I still have a lot to learn, but no doubt I've learn a lot already.

So, just like everyone else, I'm sick of politics. But here are my thoughts on the subject:

Since I can't totally agree with either candidate about all their policies, I've chosen two issues to base my vote on--abortion and taxes. Since I've taken a biblical worldview for my life, I have to vote for the candidate that is pro-life. There is no biblical reason to support abortion. From the beginning to the end, the Bible is about life. That's just my point of view.

I also will not vote for a candidate that promises to create government programs. I think it's pretty obvious that most government programs help people in the short run, but create dependency in the long run. It's the governmental equivalent of letting your perfectly capable 50-year-old son or daughter live with you for free. What parent could possibly believe that they are doing what is best for their son or daughter by letting them do that?? I work with a lady whose son, grand-daughter, and great-granddaughter live with her. None of them contribute a dime to the household income. Whatever income her son made when he had a job went towards dope and beer. Needless to say, she is a very unhappy woman. Her family has become dependent on her and she has become dependent on them. Dependency does not equal growth.

Besides that, I want more money in my net income so that I get to decide where my charity goes. I don't trust the government to disperse my charity for me.

I have a few opinions about politics, but none of it keeps me up at night. In the end, it really doesn't matter who wins the election, because I'm a citizen of God's kingdom first, then a citizen of the U.S. Down the road, if there's no place for me to survive in the U.S., I know there's already a place for me in Heaven......Heaven! no taxes, no death, no politics, no pollution, no credit cards, no poverty, no war, no hate, no "me, me,me." Man, I can't wait!

*sigh* And with that, I leave you....

The Fate of My Puppy

2008-10-25T23:21:00.002-04:00

In case anyone was curious about the fate of my dog, I decided not to give her up. I couldn't do it. She has a much better life than she had before. Her life may not be as good as it COULD be, but lucky for me, she doesn't know that! What you don't know can't hurt you, right? Anyway, she's mine until God calls me some place she can't go, I guess. (insert collective sigh of relief here)

I think it's time to say good-bye

2008-10-14T22:44:00.003-04:00

I think it's time to say good-bye to my dog, Bella. My life has reached a point of busy-ness, and perhaps has been at that point for quite some time, that keeping her is unfair for us both. I do my best to take her for half hour walks every day, but at two years old and with her being a springer spaniel/lab mix, she has way too much energy than I have time to help her expend it. She enjoys the walks and the trips to the dog park, but for the ten hours that she's couped up in my house she builds up all kinds of anxiety. And I, for the ten hours I am at work, and for the other 3 or 4 I'm out with friends or doing church activities, become anxious about the time my poor dog is forced to spend alone. It just is not fair to either of us. So, I'm in the process (I'm taking my time) of trying to find a patient family who will take her. She belongs in a family that has a dog or two already, and that owns lots of land where she can run around all day long. I love her dearly and as far as I know, I'm the only person on the earth she trusts, but I believe she deserves a better life than I give her.

It's hard to say good-bye, but it's best for us both.

I Am Lazy!

2008-10-12T13:39:00.003-04:00

I often have the following dilemma:

I walk into the kitchen to find something to eat, because I am ravenously hungry.

I search high and low until I find something, anything, suitable (and not rotting).

I search for the pan to cook my potentially delicious meal in.

I find it.

It's in the sink...dirty.

I ask myself, "Is that pan dirty enough to have to clean it?"

If the answer is "yes," I have to ask myself "Am I really THAT hungry, after all?"

If the answer is "yes," I will grudgingly hand-wash the pan.

After hand-washing and rinsing the pan, I fill it up with water and notice that there some suds still in the pan. I ask myself, "Are there enough in there to kill me?"

If yes, I will rinse the pan out again.

If there are still some suds in the pan, I tell myself, "There's not enough in there to kill me."

Then I cook the ramen.

Anyone want to come to my house for dinner?

The Office - Company Time Theft

2008-10-11T13:34:00.005-04:00

The Office this week was about time theft at work, which made me very paranoid. During the show, Jim times all of Dwight's "non-work-related" activities. I've done this to myself before, and was admittedly a bit ashamed of myself. I quickly vowed to spend every minute at work being productive, and just as quickly removed the guilt from my life and fell into the same pattern of work a little-waste a little time.

I'm finding it especially hard to work on Fridays. This past Friday was especially bad. Here's an approximation of how I spent my time at work when I wasn't working:

1.) Made coffee
2.) Talked to friends
3.) Ate
4.) Went to the bathroom. Got into conversation with someone while washing my hands.
5.) Checked e-mail
6.) Slept (I didn't do the larger portion during work hours, but I slept for about an extra five minutes after my lunch break officially ended).
7.) Checked e-mail
8.) Went to the bathroom
9.) Read friends blogs
10.) Tried to sneak up on someone at their cubicle in order to scare them. I didn't work.
11.) Checked e-mail
12.) Did some research on International House of Prayer
13.) Did some research about youth ministry
14.) Checked e-mail
15.) Went to the bathroom. Got into another conversation, this time at the door of the bathroom about the nasty cold that is attacking everyone, then silently noted that I should "up" my vitamin C intake and lessen my sugar intake.
16.) Cleaned out a soup bowl that contained broth left over from Monday and was stinking and drawing fruit flies (I really felt like this was very good use of company time, actually. We all benefited from the relief from fruit flies).
17.) Tried to find a better way of formatting reports from online banking (this was actually work-related, but I probably should have stopped trying long before I did).
18.) Checked e-mail
19.) Checked the breakroom for any left over food from morning meetings
20.) Went to the bathroom. Did not get into a conversation in the bathroom, but I did meet someone in the mailroom on the way back from the bathroom. Started up conversation by asking what they were cooking for dinner (yeah, I don't know...).

Of course I worked in between these activities. It's easy to excuse my inconsistent schedule by accusing everyone of doing it, by reminding myself that I got all my work done, or by blaming the company for not giving me enough to do, but that, of course, doesn't make it ok. And now I feel guilty again.

Thanks, Jim Halpert...

How to be Poor Successfully

2008-10-08T20:29:00.001-04:00

As many of you know, I have been poor for a little over a year now. It started with the second worst financial decision on the planet: buying a house I couldn’t afford. I guess it wouldn’t have been SO bad if it hadn’t been an impulse buy that I was hoping would make me “significant.” …..ok, maybe it is THE WORST financial decision I could make, after all……IDIOT!

I have to cut myself some slack, though. I WAS a complete idiot a year ago. Now I am a recovering idiot. Along the way I have crossed the thresholds of “unhappy,” “poor and unhappy,” “poor, unhappy, and completely miserable,” (the envy of cynics across the land) and “financially comfortable and miserable.” But now I think I finally have it! Now I’m “successfully poor and happy.” What I mean is that I have accepted my financial situation and have learned how to survive AND be happy ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I lose sleep over bills that are coming due, or I wake up frustrated that today is not the “Someday” that I’m out of debt and living financially comfortably. But most days I can just accept it. It was hard to accept at first because I had to give up so much.

No more going out to eat. (meh…it wasn’t healthy anyway)
No more going home every other weekend. (I’m being “green”)
No more Pizza Hut. (There’s really no good twist to this one. I mourned…)
No more variation in meals. (Planning meals is really easy now, ‘cuz…..I don’t have to plan!)
No more books. (I probably already have about 50 books that I haven’t read yet anyway)
No more new clothes. (This one kinda sucks too because all my clothes are 2 to 3 sizes too big, but I guess that’s better than the clothes being too small!)
No more credit cards. (Credit Cards are the devil!)
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

The list goes on. This was overwhelming at first, but I think I’ve finally found a balance.

Enough background. Here’s how to be poor successfully:

1.) Get involved at church. Really involved. I know there’s a whole long list of things that churches and church people do poorly, but there’s at least one thing I think everyone can agree that church people do well—EAT! Think about it. There are potlucks, cookouts, kick-offs, conferences, Bible studies, meetings, funerals, weddings, etc. etc. etc. All of them serve food! I can’t tell you how times I have breakfasted on cookies and coffee on a Sunday morning. If you want me to be perfectly honest, I’ve sometimes attended Bible study only because I knew there would be food there. The great thing about that is that my starving stomach and my starving soul got fed at the same time!

Of course, when you are so involved in church activities, it takes a toll on your gasoline budget. Being involved at church is also helpful here too. As it turns out, there are many wonderful people who are willing to give you a ride to church if you need it. It just takes honesty, humility, and a willingness to be the passenger, listen to someone else’s music, or *gasp* have a conversation with someone you may not know very well!

(Before you all start thinking I’m an insensitive moocher, I just want to say that I only found this out AFTER getting involved. My heart is sincerely in the right place J)

2.) Get used to manna. Since I don’t get three square meals a day, I want to make sure that when I do eat it’s healthy and filling. Thus, rice and beans…every day. Does it get old after a while? Yes. But keep in mind the Israelites who complained about manna so much that God finally gave them so much meat that they puked. If I get to eat a meal, any meal, I’m thankful. At less than $1.00 per rice and beans meal, I get to be thankful for two whole weeks! That’s right; it’s only about $1.00 per meal of rice and beans. Yes, I know that McDonald’s has delicious dollar menu items, but they are not as nutritious and filling as rice and beans. My rice and beans meal is packed full of protein (especially if you use black beans), fiber (only in brown rice), good fat (I cook with coconut oil), vitamins and minerals that even if I eat only one meal a day, I’m less malnourished than someone who eats three meals a day at McDonalds.

3.) Lighten up on the workouts. I used to work out six days a week while only consuming about 500-700 calories a day. I did this until my body broke down. At that point I had a choice to make: either stop working out so hard, or get sick. I didn’t have the choice to consume more calories, so I decided to give up the hard workouts in order to preserve calories. On the other hand, you mustn’t be completely lazy because hungry + no exercise = no sleep, which also helps break down the body. Taking Bella for 20-30 minute walks every day has turned out to be a good balance.

So, there ya go. Being poor isn’t so bad! I may not have extra income for entertainment and food, but the church activities I’m involved in provide both. Also, I get to be lazy and still stay skinny. Who doesn’t dream of that luxury from time to time!

Of course, you can’t appreciate any of this unless you just learn to accept your current state of affairs. Maybe I can’t go shopping for new clothes or get my nails done or get a new haircut like I did a little over a year ago, but I’m wiser, happier, and somehow more carefree than I was then. Some people might see my financial situation as a failure to succeed, but I’d have to argue that I’ve succeeded at being poor.

2008-09-27T12:21:00.002-04:00

A couple months ago I declared that I knew the passion of my life--to be a wife and a mother. I've changed my mind. At this point in my life I have absolutely no desire to be a mother, especially since my boss came to work on Thursday late, unshowered, and getting by on 2 hours of sleep because she had been up all night attending to her two puking daughters and the carpet they puked on. No thanks!

I really like where I am right now. I'm single and have no kids of my own. Now that I have my group of girls for Lifeline, I have kids of my own in a sense, but these go home and I don't have to clean up their puke :) And being single is great for me right now, because my time and energy aren't tied up in just one person. I have time and energy for tons of people! It's tempting for me to say that I always want to be like this, but someday I might change my mind again.

Really, if I'm being totally honest, the only reason I ever wanted to be a wife and mother is so that I would have an extra paycheck to live off of and so I could eventually "work from home." Yes, I know that's completely horrible, but there's no way I'm the only one who has ever thought such a thing. The good thing is that I've at least realized that my reasons were shallow. I have enough to be responsible for right now...I'm not ready to add a husband and kids to the mix. I fully realize that I will likely change my mind (again!) down the road. But to wish to always be single and have no kids means that I'm loving where I'm at right now! Yay! Finally!

I hate winter!

2008-09-16T20:25:00.004-04:00

I've been in denial for as long as I could possibly be, but here's the sad truth: summer is over and the evil winter is upon us.

I began to think of the possibility of winter being around the corner when I turned on my heat earlier this week. As soon as I came to my senses, I turned it right off while exclaiming, "Now, who the heck turned the heat on?! It's summer!"

My second clue was when I put a sweatshirt and close-toed shoes on to go to the dog park. While there, I had my hands stuffed deep into my pockets to keep them warm. But all the while, I reminded myself that I had a SHORT-SLEEVED T-shirt underneath...only a layer and a half...that's like what you would wear for a stroll along the beach at sunset...(Reality: Or when winter is right around the corner. Denial: SHUT UP!)

Despite my efforts to deny the end of summer as much as possible, I was defeated when I looked at the dark sky, then at the clock, which told me it was only 8:15. Ugh! Up here it doesn't look like this until almost 10:00! And what is worse? We will lose an hour of night light in the next month or so.

I guess it's inevitable; winter indeed is coming. I'm going to stock up on good books and video games. In another month and a half I'll be sealing the windows and breathing recycled air for six months straight. I hate winter...apparently Willa Cather did too. Enjoy.

"The pale, cold light of the winter sunset did not beautify--it was like the light of truth itself. When the smoky clouds hung low in the west and the red sun went down behind them, leaving a pink flush on the snowy roofs and the blue drifts, then the wind sprang up afresh, with a kind of bitter song, as if it said: 'This is reality, whether you like it or not. All those frivolities of summer, the light and shadow, the living mask of green that trembled over everything, they were lies, and this is what was underneath. This is the truth.' It was as if we were being punished for loving the loveliness of summer." from My Antonia by Willa Cather.

Single for Life?

2008-09-15T18:36:00.008-04:00

I'm really beginning to believe that I will never ever ever get married...(here's where I would like to finish the sentence by saying, "...and I'm totally fine with that!" But I'm not...not really...well, kind of. Anyway, end parentheses).

I know for a fact that I'm not ready to get married yet, and it's certainly not a goal of mine, but it would be nice to have someone in my life who really REALLY gets me...someone who is not just my "other half," but who makes me more me than I have ever been.

The problem is that there are only two things I'm looking for in a guy (besides the obvious, like he has to be a guy, he has to breathing, he has to be single etc). Why is that a problem? Because very very few meet my two criteria. And of the few, there's only one who I'll hit it off with, so that narrows it down even more. The bright side to this is the knowledge that THERE IS ONLY ONE out there...just for me! I just wonder how he'll ever find me, or if he ever will.

For now I'm content. And if God desires for me to be single for life, then that's ok too. But if not, then no matter what--even if I have to wait until I'm 80 before he comes along--I'm going to wait for him.

Change

2008-09-14T09:43:00.002-04:00

Last night I watched Pursuit of Happyness. There are different "chapters" if you will that the narrator breaks his life up into. Taking the same idea, I'm going to entitle this chapter of my life "Change."

Has it been exciting? Yes. Has it been interesting? Yes. Has it caused me extreme anxiety and discomfort? Oh, yeah!

Last Sunday was my first day as a Lifeline leader (Senior High) at my church. Taking the step to volunteer was an event all its own. I don't know if anyone else felt that way or if it was just me. All I know is that if taking that step was so difficult, then I must have living an extremely self-centered life. Oh, my gosh! You mean to tell me that I have to give up 3 of my relaxation hours on a Sunday night? And maybe some weeknights? And I have to start thinking about someone other than myself?? The horror!!!

As it turned out, that first night, while somewhat distressing, was quite enjoyable. I met a lot of people and had fun dancing and singing with everyone during the worship time. For a moment, I even felt that "carefreeness" reminiscent of my time in high school youth group. What was even better this time around was that I wasn't as self-concious!

When Monday rolled around, I didn't wake up the confident, happy, excited, victorious girl that fell asleep on Sunday night. Monday was the introduction of my new boss. It's not as if anything work-wise would change having a new boss. The only thing that really changes with having a new boss is that there's someone else in the room, and also my work doesn't come first. The worst part? Work isn't as laid back anymore. Last week we all strapped ourselves to our headphones and didn't speak much at all. It's a new dynamic and I think we're all just trying to hold on to something familiar--like our music.

Then there's the ongoing change--the change that has been taking place for months now--trying to become comfortable in my own skin. You'd think of all the things I have that would give me comfort, the one thing that would never fail is the fact that I am still me. The funny thing is, I'm NOT still me, and while that's an incredibly wonderful thing in some ways, it's also really frightening. I'm changing along with my life. Right now I seem to be in a portal between the old me and the new me. I no longer depend on people, but I still don't trust God completely. Not depending on people is freeing, but not trusting God is enslaving. The "in between" is a struggle. You'd think it would be easy to trust the all-powerful Creator of the universe and my own life with my life, but for some reason it's not that easy. I've reasoned it out this way: you tend to trust those who you know the best. I only trust God with some stuff, so I must not know him that well. So I've been spending extra time reading the Gospels, studying the Bible and praying trying to get to know him better. Maybe a relationship with God really is like a courtship and a marriage. Maybe you do have to go through things together to see how the other person holds up in different circumstances in order to get to know them better. Maybe it just takes time. This is just another thing that I will have to push through no matter how difficult or painful in order to have the better thing.

Lift Up Your Eyes - Rick Hopkins

2008-09-06T09:43:00.002-04:00

This is a video for a song that got me through a really rough time in life. Enjoy! I hope you are blessed!

Can't I just be all of it?

2008-09-03T21:37:00.011-04:00

This is me:

This is what I drive:

This is what I'm about:

I don't have a problem with the way I look, but if I was more daring, I'd get my hair cut like this:

....only the red streaks would be purple streaks...

...And I'd have one of these:

And this is what I would ride:

I look like a God-fearing conservative hometown girl bound by practicality...and for the most part that's who I am, but somewhere inside there's a God-fearing emo chick with a lust for adventure and speed that is approaching the surface...stay tuned!

What is Labor Day for anyway?

2008-09-02T21:18:00.002-04:00

Strangers who never knocked on my door before are now knocking. They're asking me silly and personal questions like, "Are you fed up with the current administration?" and "If you had to vote today, who would you vote for?" I tell them I'll vote for whoever helps me fix up my house so I can sell it. If they can't help me, they don't get my vote. Sorry.

Anyway, Labor Day weekend was unbelieveable! There was a summer a few years back where I was home from college and I wasn't working. I spent my days reading by the pool, developing a fantastic tan, and spending late nights out with my friends. I remember at the time thinking that I better enjoy it because it was probably going to be the last summer I would have like that. Sad to say, it was. But this weekend, though much shorter than that summer, was wonderfully similar except I cherished it even more. A couple days before I went home, God helped me to realize that I have forgotten how to enjoy the quiet and peaceful moments of my life. I used to enjoy life more than I complained about it and over the years, the exact opposite has happened. Anyway, I'm glad He showed me this before the weekend because I was finally able to cherish the wonderful moments.

Friday night I sat at the bar with my ice water and a few friends. I felt the cool breeze on my face and I noticed the vagueness that night lights reveal. On Saturday night, I watched the sun set from the backseat of Christina's PT Cruiser as Sean, Christina, and I rushed to Old Navy in Merriville before it closed. And afterward we met up with some friends at a local bar. I was able to take myself out west as my friend, Alan, told me about a 3 week trip he took on his motorcycle to see the Grand Tetons, Old Faithful, and the mountains of Utah. On Sunday night I laid out by the pool and looked at the stars. In preparation for a long conversation, I took a deep breath and said, "Ok, God," and before I could say another word, a star shot across the sky!

I didn't make it to the Dunes like I had planned and I didn't swim at night with the pool light on and I didn't get to go on a walk and talk about God with my friend, Tim. But I didn't need those things in order to make the weekend any better. I got to relax. I got to enjoy every moment. I got to feel what it's like to be real again. I couldn't have asked for more.