Advent Conspiracy

I saw this at Lifeline tonight. I thought it was pretty darn cool. Take a look. It's only 2 minutes.

Abundant Life

I love this verse from John.

John 10:10

"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)."

After I read this verse, I have to ask myself if I'm living an abundant life. For the most part, I'm enjoying my life. Last year was the first time in my life I can remember actually being happy to be alive. But am I living it in abundance, to the full, until it overflows?? Jesus said that he came to give me that kind of life, so I believe that to be true. But if I'm honest with myself, I would have to say that right now I'm not living an abundant life.

Of course, I also have to ask myself what an abundant life looks like for me. Abundant life is not getting everything I want and never having anything bad happen to me. In fact, I feel like the most abundance has come through hardship. So, I think abundant life simply means trusting God. It means accepting that bad or even annoying things will happen, like having anxiety every time I leave the house, gaining weight, being single for the rest of my life, losing my health, losing someone I love, or losing everything I own, but knowing--body, mind, and soul--that somehow God can make abundance from brokenness.

Right now my life appears to be ok. I'm going through the motions. I go where I'm expected to be. I push myself to go places and do things even when I'm afraid to leave the house. But when I go out and I'm scared to death and I'm around a lot of people, I check out. Physically I'm there, and something inside me (soul?) wants to break out and enjoy the people around me and every sight, sound, and smell, but some other part of me (mind) has locked myself inside myself. It's like for the last however many years, I've only seen everything through a screen of anxiety. Everything even appears to be a shade of gray....

I'm not living an abundant life, but I know that I can. I know that I need to trust God more. There are some things I have no problem trusting him with. I can trust him when my heart is broken and I can trust him when I have no money and no food in refrigerator because I've been in these situations and he has reformed the broken pieces. But how do I trust him with a fear that has infiltrated EVERY part of my life? Even trust?

I don't know how it will happen, but I'm determined to live an abundant life.

Soul with a mind, living in a body

I am a soul that has a mind and walks around in a body....

I've had to remind myself of this over and over again in the past few weeks. For so many months, I was on such a spiritual high that I didn't really care about all the dumb (but completely normal) stuff I used to care about like my weight, the way I looked, relationships with guys, etc. My focus was on God and doing what He wants me to do. I guess it all started to come back when I started to feel comfortable...like I have a "niche." Now all that old stuff is back.

I'm tempted to say that's just "normal," but I'm not comfortable calling that normal for me as a Jesus follower. In his book The Green Letters, Miles Stanford quotes J.E. Conant who said, "Christian living is not our living with Christ's help, it is Christ living His life in us." Stanford follows up by quoting Paul in the book of Philippians where he said, "For to me to live is Christ" and, "I can do all things through Christ." The way I understand it is this: First of all, my life is only a part of God's story, it's not MY story. Secondly, I am a human made of flesh, so obviously I will have these feelings and desires and disappointments, but my true self, me as a new creation, is Christ in me, or my soul. My soul is the only TRULY living part of me and it's the only thing that will continue to live. All the other cares will pass away. But even knowing that doesn't make the other crap go away because I'm still a dag-gum human being! All this brings me to the unfortunate conclusion that I have to stop avoiding negativity at all costs and learn how to deal with it as a soul instead of as flesh. For instance, I've gained 10 pounds since July. The flesh part of me feels horrible and thinks I'm not attractive anymore and will sacrifice my health to lose the weight. The soul part of me, the true part of me, wants to be healthy, delights that God made me just the way he wants me to be and that He thinks I'm beautiful and that's all that matters. Now the question is: How do I get my brain on the soul side? It was effortless when I was on a spiritual high, but how do I do that now that the vacation is over? The Bible says, "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind," but how do I do that?

There's a lot here to puzzle myself over, but knowing that my new self is Christ in me, I know that I don't have to be deceived into believing that anything else truly matters except God's story.

I am a soul that has a mind and walks around in a body.

Black What???

While millions of people stood in line in the dark hours before the retail stores opened, I was wrapped tightly in a heavy, warm quilt on Grandma's living room sofa.

While millions of people breathed each other's air in crowded aisles and stood in long check-out lines, I walked along the gravel roads that lie between yellow fields that stretch out into the infinite sky and breathed the freshest air I've breathed for almost a year.

If you ask me, I got the best deal of the season on black Friday.

Scattered thoughts and Cardboard Testimonies

Man, I've sat down here to write about 4 times since Friday and I can't seem to complete a thought. So, here are some thoughtlets:

1.) Probably one of the greatest disservices someone can do God and other people is try to appear perfect. Of course, this is a slap in God's face because He's the only one who is perfect. The more I try to appear perfect, the less of God people see in me. Let's say I do something stupid like say something mean about someone and they find out and approach me about it. I could try to save my perfect reputation and lie about it, or I could just come out and say, "Yeah, I said that. I was in a bad mood and I let it get the best of me. I'm really sorry. I hope you can forgive me." Which scenario are people more likely to see Jesus in? The one where I ALWAYS appear to do and say the right thing, or the one where I screw up, but take the difficult and humiliating road of...well, humility, which I could never do without Christ???

2.) I've been really busy lately. It's not been "bad" busy...I've actually had a lot of fun. However, I'm finding that even "fun" busy is still busy and wearing. If I don't have time to think through the events of the day, all my thoughts, feelings, impressions, etc. get jumbled up into a big anxiety ball...that's right...and anxiety ball. I need time to process, rest, and sometimes even get bored.

3.) I participated in a cardboard testimony thing at church on Sunday. It was extremely powerful to see a display of what people struggled with before Christ and then to see how Christ changed them. One of the most touching for me was a guy who had "I have MS" on one side of his board, and on the other side he wrote, "God is My Savior." The "M" in "My" and the "S" in "Savior" were underlined. Another guy wrote "Addicted to Porn" on one side, and on the other, "Addicted to God." It was hard to find a dry eye in the audience. I'm sure there are a number of reasons people were so touched by the testimonies. For one, it's awesome to see exactly how God has changed a person. But also, I think a lot of people were convicted. So often we go to church and bury our sorrows, afflictions, and addictions, or we try to ignore them altogether. But when someone goes up to the front of the church and says, "Hey, look! I struggled with (porn, anger, loneliness, fear, insecurity, fill in the blank) every Sunday as I sat in these pews just like you. But I finally let God get a strong hold on me and now look...I'm free!" And the thing is, people think that if they are Christians, they shouldn't have strongholds. That's why they try to appear perfect or they try to ignore their problems. How can you ever begin to be set free from your problems if you keep ignoring them? God's not ignoring them...what makes you think you can?

This isn't from our church, but this is the type of thing we did:



Pretty amazing, huh?

If only work could be more like this...

Taking a "Splash" for Jesus!

After hearing that I was getting baptized, a guy from Union came up to me and said, "Glad to see you're making a splash for Jesus!" Very corny. I tried not to think about that comment while I was standing up there. That, along with all the other things I was afraid I would think about while I was up there, like: water wings, nose plugs, goggles, rubber duckies, making bubbles in the baptismal, being dropped, having to be double-dunked (This is not unheard of! Someone who was baptized last week had to be double-dunked, and someone who was baptized after me was double-dunked!).

Actually, I don't remember much about it once I got in the tub. Someone read my testimony...I don't remember hearing her speaking. All I remember was looking for family and friends, thinking how wonderfully warm the water was, and being confused about where I should put my hands.

Even though the baptism was only a symbol of the cleansing God has done in my life, it actually felt like a completion to this year of turmoil. I was only under water for a second, but it seemed much longer because while I was submerged in the warmth, silence, and darkness, I felt peace and, as silly as this sounds, a feeling that I was actually clean. In fact, I felt wrong about putting the old clothes back on that I had come in. It was a very emotional and symbolic thing for me...kinda like a wedding, I guess. It was great to have my family and so many of my friends there. A couple of my Lifeline girls even came! Yesterday is a day I won't forget!

My testimony will be available on the church website soon. Check it out if you're so inclined:

http://www.adabible.org/testimonies

If I had the chance to thank them all, I would

Thank you:

Jon Hazen
Adam Kohler
Adam Lippert
Brian Shotts
Bill Shotts
Ron Green
Robert Nickel
Caleb Key
Norm Fenton
Jason Roossien
Bobby Kiely
Bob Crans
Mike Berthold
Chris Parker

The Risk of Love

A friend of mine got fired. It happened on Friday, but I didn’t find out until I walked out of the coffee kitchen, which sits directly across from his cubical, and found his office completely empty. I expressed a few words of shock, grasped for any other explanation for why his office is empty--he switched cubes, maybe he was trying to straighten up his office, etc.--and finally was told “Yeah. It happened Friday.” Immediately, my throat tightened up and my head started to ache in front of unreleasable tears. I stomped into my office and screamed, “I can’t believe they fired Alan! I hate this place!”

This episode was not helpful to my issue with permanence. Everything tangible in life is also temporary, so that means that everything is temporary. The only things on this earth that are not temporary are emotions. So, if I’m hurt by someone or something, that lasts forever in some form or another. It’s hard to say the same of positive emotions, like happiness or love. It’s so easy to let hurt linger, but so difficult to let happiness linger, isn’t it?

Besides my friend getting fired, this issue has resurfaced because tomorrow my mom goes in for a procedure to have some abnormal cells removed from her cervix. The chance that she could get cervical cancer is extremely low, but I had already worked myself up into a frenzy before I researched the prognosis of mild dysplasia. I mean, if something happened to her, I know I could deal with it, but I don’t think it would be pretty. It’s hard enough on a day to day basis not to give up on “the narrow path.” Throw sickness and death in there and I can only hope that the habit of walking with God through difficult times will kick in. I believe it would. It’s just one of those things you don’t know if you can deal with until you have to deal with it.

But anyway, realizing that everything in my life is temporary makes me wonder if finding love, friendship, and acceptance on earth is even worth the risk. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Sometimes I seriously doubt that. Love may be worth it because you are enriching someone else’s life, but relationship may not be. I wonder if the two really go hand-in-hand. In my opinion, love is something you choose to do; in other words, it’s not a feeling….and I think the deepest feelings are formed through relationships.

It makes me wonder if I should ever get married, even if I wanted to. What if the pain of loss is stronger than the delight of love? I know that God is with me through all my hurts; I’ve experienced that. But wouldn’t it be better just to avoid hurt altogether? But then again, sometimes the pain of loneliness is worse than the pain of loss.

Maybe when I really begin to believe that, I’ll think about getting into a relationship. Until then, what about my relationships with my friends? I’m tempted to keep them at arm’s length, too. But maybe it’s the pain of loss or the possibility of loss that keeps us in check with God. Maybe I should just go all out with loving people, knowing that I will get hurt, but that God is bigger than my pain. Maybe I should be vulnerable since I know who I am in Christ, and knowing who I am in Christ means that I know that only He can love me perfectly, and that He is bigger than my pain.

Maybe the risk of love is worth the comfort I receive from Him when I hurt.

The Week in Review

Monday: Started the countdown to Friday. Nothing new.

Tuesday: I know something important happened on Tuesday, but I can't remember what it was. JK! Of course, it was the election. How can i forget the hippie lady standing in front of me in line who kept trying to get everyone to sing the national anthem?? She tried a couple times. With diminishing confidence, she would sing, "OH SAY CAN YOU SEE? By the...dawn's...hnearly...high...hm hm hmMmm...." then complete silence... It was annoying, but entertaining nonetheless.

Tuesday night was, of course, Union, which, of course, rocked! But I realized something about myself. It started when i told a friend of mine that I wanted to do ministry full-time, and ended with me getting annoyed by a couple people at Union. Why was I annoyed? Simply because these people were being "overly" relational. That's my term for it, but I suppose they were just trying to get to know me. It was annoying to me because I just wanted to chill with my friends and catch up with them. Wednesday morning, God was like, "Do you really want to do ministry full-time, or is it just that you want to do it for money?" And I was like, "Too-shay!" And that's when I realized that full-time ministry isn't just 9-5, Monday through Friday, when it's convenient for me. It's all the time: when I'm standing in line at the grocery store, when I'm standing in line to vote (I regret that I did not join in the song), when I'm driving my car, when I'm interacting with my friends, when I'm alone at home. What I consider ministry is a 24/7 thing. My conclusion? It's going to be hard, but I whole-heartedly want to do it...even if it means answering and asking question after annoying question. It's giving all my time for God and trusting that when it's time to rest, He will provide.

Wednesday: Obama wins the election. Some people are upset, some (apparently the majority) are excited to tears (Oprah), and almost every gets angry at some point during the day, either because of the results of the election or because others aren't as excited about it as others. Hey! Should be an interesting 4 years...or maybe 8...

Thursday: Didn't have anything to do Thursday night and was completely bored. This shows how far I've come. I used to be perfectly content not having things to do on weeknights, but now I think I may be addicted to socializing. But hey, at least it was Friday Eve!

Thursday evening: Watched Grey's Anatomy and bawled my eyes out! I mean, seriously, melo-drama can't get any better than an old man fruitlessly pumping his wife's heart. Awww...I just wanted to squeeze him!

And then there's The Office. All I have to say is: "That's what she said! That's what she said! That's what she said!"

Friday: Got to go to Olive Garden at lunch for free! Had the most boring day at work, however. Finally told my boss I was extremely bored with my job and need a challenge. She placed another job at Comcast under my nose. It's a bit more challenging simply because it's different. I would at least get to work with other people in this job. However, I'm ready to move out of the cable industry altogether. But maybe I should take the job anyway, just to get me through. Any suggestions?

Friday night: Spent the evening at church participating in the junior high worship night. It was fantastic! It was so awesome to see so many junior highers so passionate about praising their God. After my Lifeline girls have graduated and if I'm still in Grand Rapids and if I'm still energetic enough at 31, I think I'll circle back around to junior high and commit to spending 6th-12th grade with my group. What a crazy group of kids those junior highers are! I should fit right in!

Saturday: Went to my favorite place in Grand Rapids, Barnes and Noble. I go there every Saturday morning, order coffee, and read the first chapters of about 15 books. This Saturday I had a purpose. I was meeting the parents of the girls in my small group. Unfortunately, none of them showed up. The good news is that I got to read the first 3rd of a fabulous book by Fredrick Buechner called "Telling Secrets." He is an incredible writer. His thoughts flow so seamlessly that you can't really put the book down until a chapter ends. So, don't start reading his books if you only have a few minutes before you have to start supper, or go pick up the kids. His books are for snowy afternoons in front of the fireplace. And if you've never read Fredrick Buecher, then "Telling Secrets" is a great book to start with. It's an autobiography that begins with his father's suicide. I wanted to buy it, but Barnes didn't have it in their used book section. They also didn't have Italo Calvino's "If on a winter's night a traveler" in the used book section, so I went to Bargain Books and bought that one. I told my friend, Annie, that I was reading it, and she asked me what it was about. I couldn't really tell her. It wasn't because the book is uninteresting; it's because the book is crazy. It messes with your mind. If you have nothing to do this week, please stop by the bookstore and read the first two chapters of Italo Calvino's "If on a winter's night a traveler" and tell me what you thought. I think it's fabulous!

The rest of Saturday was spent in warm, cozy, lazy, procrastinating bliss on my couch, followed by an early bedtime, which continued on said couch. This, my friends, was a glorious sabbath!

...and that is my week in review...