Waiting for Superman

So, I've been snowed in pretty much since Friday. It's cold, snowy, but also quite peaceful (when I'm not digging myself out of 3 feet of snow every 2 hours). Being snowed in with a dog and no human contact has refreshed my "loner" side. I've actually enjoyed being alone; I've really enjoyed doing nothing! In fact, I've come to realize that if I had the choice between going out and hanging out with a bunch of people or staying home by myself and watching a movie or reading a book, about 99% of the time, I would rather stay home.

But I'm confused. Just a few months back, I wanted to always be doing something. I loved having a busy schedule. Meeting new people and hanging out late on a "school night" was fun and refreshing. Oddly enough, at that time, I took a personality test that showed I was introverted--"Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving," to be exact, and I thought "No way! I'm not introverted by any means." Well, it has caught up with me. It started with grunting and groaning to get myself out of the house. Gradually, I began to find that being busy 5 out of 7 nights a week exhausted me. Then I started finding ways to get out of leaving the house. Now I'm perfectly comfortable loafing in front of the TV at night with just my dog. Of course, while I sit here by myself in this cold house, not having spoken a vocal word to anyone in over 24 hours, yet still longing to have a good conversation with someone who is close to me, I wonder what kind of personality my future (if existent) husband should have. Should he be introverted, like me, so that I won't be forced out of the house when I don't want to be? Or should he be extroverted, so that I don't become a bored recluse? I guess I should fall back on past experience to answer this question. Here's the answer: I was formerly engaged to a fellow introvert. Formerly engaged. I don't think I can handle a relationship with someone who also would rather stay in 99% of the time because it's only when I'm trapped inside with one other person for a long period of time that I want to go out. But when I go out, I want that person to be with me. Anyway, this introvert-introvert combination did not work for me.

So, what kind of guy would best suit me? The answer, according to Facebook (and we all know that Facebook quizzes reveal the quintessence of who we really are), is Superman. Yes, Superman. Gee, that shouldn't be too difficult! Talk about setting the bar high. I guess once I start dating again, I will have to check them off the list if they can't fly me across the continent, or leap tall buildings, and especially if they can't wear tights, a cape, and underwear and look absolutely fabulous!

I won't get my hopes up.

Lessons

Lesson 1: If something has been in the refrigerator for almost a year, it is not necessary to open the container and smell it to see if it is throw away-able. I mean, seriously, even if it didn't smell like a turd covered in burnt hair, am I really going to eat something that has been in there for so long? Me thinks "no."

Lesson 2: If you clean out all the old smelly "food" from the fridge, and the fridge is empty when you are done, it may be time to go grocery shopping.

Lesson 3: If hanging out with people too many nights in a row is exhausting, it is probably best not to get a roommate.

Lesson 4: Sometimes telling someone how you feel about them eliminates the feeling altogether.

Lesson 5: Empathy to the degree that you vicariously feel the pain someone else feels really sucks.

Lesson 6: When I become too comfortable, I know it's a good time to remember a bad time. This way I remember why I'm thankful.

Lesson 7: Guys are trouble. Especially incredibly good-looking, strong, rustic, sweet, confident, interesting, funny ones that can turn an entirely crappy week into a great week in a matter of minutes... *sigh*

Lesson 8: The most important role in life is that of a character in God's story.

Truth in Simplicity

Life is complicated without us complicating it, yet for some reason we seem to be drawn toward complicating everything!

I caught a glimpse of the news this morning just as I was headed out to run. The story was about this whole deal with legalizing gay marriage. Some people were angry, some were "cautiously optimistic" about the eventual legalization of gay marriage.

I read a Newsweek article online today that defended gay marriage using the Bible. (Incidentally, two authors were needed to come up with enough BS to complete the article!)

I had a discussion with a group of people tonight about heaven, pre-, post-, and omni-milleniallism (sp?), spirit, soul, and body and what we are in heaven, yada yada yada.

I pushed someone's buttons about tax policy just because I knew it would stir him up (sorry your facebook was the soapbox, Aunt Linda :) ).

I have opinions about all these things, some strong, some vulnerable. To be honest, the only thing I got out of watching the news, reading the article, discussing theology, and questioning politics is confirmation that God is who he says he is. God IS. That's all that matters.

...pretty simple, huh?

Advent Conspiracy

I saw this at Lifeline tonight. I thought it was pretty darn cool. Take a look. It's only 2 minutes.

Abundant Life

I love this verse from John.

John 10:10

"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)."

After I read this verse, I have to ask myself if I'm living an abundant life. For the most part, I'm enjoying my life. Last year was the first time in my life I can remember actually being happy to be alive. But am I living it in abundance, to the full, until it overflows?? Jesus said that he came to give me that kind of life, so I believe that to be true. But if I'm honest with myself, I would have to say that right now I'm not living an abundant life.

Of course, I also have to ask myself what an abundant life looks like for me. Abundant life is not getting everything I want and never having anything bad happen to me. In fact, I feel like the most abundance has come through hardship. So, I think abundant life simply means trusting God. It means accepting that bad or even annoying things will happen, like having anxiety every time I leave the house, gaining weight, being single for the rest of my life, losing my health, losing someone I love, or losing everything I own, but knowing--body, mind, and soul--that somehow God can make abundance from brokenness.

Right now my life appears to be ok. I'm going through the motions. I go where I'm expected to be. I push myself to go places and do things even when I'm afraid to leave the house. But when I go out and I'm scared to death and I'm around a lot of people, I check out. Physically I'm there, and something inside me (soul?) wants to break out and enjoy the people around me and every sight, sound, and smell, but some other part of me (mind) has locked myself inside myself. It's like for the last however many years, I've only seen everything through a screen of anxiety. Everything even appears to be a shade of gray....

I'm not living an abundant life, but I know that I can. I know that I need to trust God more. There are some things I have no problem trusting him with. I can trust him when my heart is broken and I can trust him when I have no money and no food in refrigerator because I've been in these situations and he has reformed the broken pieces. But how do I trust him with a fear that has infiltrated EVERY part of my life? Even trust?

I don't know how it will happen, but I'm determined to live an abundant life.

Soul with a mind, living in a body

I am a soul that has a mind and walks around in a body....

I've had to remind myself of this over and over again in the past few weeks. For so many months, I was on such a spiritual high that I didn't really care about all the dumb (but completely normal) stuff I used to care about like my weight, the way I looked, relationships with guys, etc. My focus was on God and doing what He wants me to do. I guess it all started to come back when I started to feel comfortable...like I have a "niche." Now all that old stuff is back.

I'm tempted to say that's just "normal," but I'm not comfortable calling that normal for me as a Jesus follower. In his book The Green Letters, Miles Stanford quotes J.E. Conant who said, "Christian living is not our living with Christ's help, it is Christ living His life in us." Stanford follows up by quoting Paul in the book of Philippians where he said, "For to me to live is Christ" and, "I can do all things through Christ." The way I understand it is this: First of all, my life is only a part of God's story, it's not MY story. Secondly, I am a human made of flesh, so obviously I will have these feelings and desires and disappointments, but my true self, me as a new creation, is Christ in me, or my soul. My soul is the only TRULY living part of me and it's the only thing that will continue to live. All the other cares will pass away. But even knowing that doesn't make the other crap go away because I'm still a dag-gum human being! All this brings me to the unfortunate conclusion that I have to stop avoiding negativity at all costs and learn how to deal with it as a soul instead of as flesh. For instance, I've gained 10 pounds since July. The flesh part of me feels horrible and thinks I'm not attractive anymore and will sacrifice my health to lose the weight. The soul part of me, the true part of me, wants to be healthy, delights that God made me just the way he wants me to be and that He thinks I'm beautiful and that's all that matters. Now the question is: How do I get my brain on the soul side? It was effortless when I was on a spiritual high, but how do I do that now that the vacation is over? The Bible says, "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind," but how do I do that?

There's a lot here to puzzle myself over, but knowing that my new self is Christ in me, I know that I don't have to be deceived into believing that anything else truly matters except God's story.

I am a soul that has a mind and walks around in a body.

Black What???

While millions of people stood in line in the dark hours before the retail stores opened, I was wrapped tightly in a heavy, warm quilt on Grandma's living room sofa.

While millions of people breathed each other's air in crowded aisles and stood in long check-out lines, I walked along the gravel roads that lie between yellow fields that stretch out into the infinite sky and breathed the freshest air I've breathed for almost a year.

If you ask me, I got the best deal of the season on black Friday.

Scattered thoughts and Cardboard Testimonies

Man, I've sat down here to write about 4 times since Friday and I can't seem to complete a thought. So, here are some thoughtlets:

1.) Probably one of the greatest disservices someone can do God and other people is try to appear perfect. Of course, this is a slap in God's face because He's the only one who is perfect. The more I try to appear perfect, the less of God people see in me. Let's say I do something stupid like say something mean about someone and they find out and approach me about it. I could try to save my perfect reputation and lie about it, or I could just come out and say, "Yeah, I said that. I was in a bad mood and I let it get the best of me. I'm really sorry. I hope you can forgive me." Which scenario are people more likely to see Jesus in? The one where I ALWAYS appear to do and say the right thing, or the one where I screw up, but take the difficult and humiliating road of...well, humility, which I could never do without Christ???

2.) I've been really busy lately. It's not been "bad" busy...I've actually had a lot of fun. However, I'm finding that even "fun" busy is still busy and wearing. If I don't have time to think through the events of the day, all my thoughts, feelings, impressions, etc. get jumbled up into a big anxiety ball...that's right...and anxiety ball. I need time to process, rest, and sometimes even get bored.

3.) I participated in a cardboard testimony thing at church on Sunday. It was extremely powerful to see a display of what people struggled with before Christ and then to see how Christ changed them. One of the most touching for me was a guy who had "I have MS" on one side of his board, and on the other side he wrote, "God is My Savior." The "M" in "My" and the "S" in "Savior" were underlined. Another guy wrote "Addicted to Porn" on one side, and on the other, "Addicted to God." It was hard to find a dry eye in the audience. I'm sure there are a number of reasons people were so touched by the testimonies. For one, it's awesome to see exactly how God has changed a person. But also, I think a lot of people were convicted. So often we go to church and bury our sorrows, afflictions, and addictions, or we try to ignore them altogether. But when someone goes up to the front of the church and says, "Hey, look! I struggled with (porn, anger, loneliness, fear, insecurity, fill in the blank) every Sunday as I sat in these pews just like you. But I finally let God get a strong hold on me and now look...I'm free!" And the thing is, people think that if they are Christians, they shouldn't have strongholds. That's why they try to appear perfect or they try to ignore their problems. How can you ever begin to be set free from your problems if you keep ignoring them? God's not ignoring them...what makes you think you can?

This isn't from our church, but this is the type of thing we did:



Pretty amazing, huh?

If only work could be more like this...

Taking a "Splash" for Jesus!

After hearing that I was getting baptized, a guy from Union came up to me and said, "Glad to see you're making a splash for Jesus!" Very corny. I tried not to think about that comment while I was standing up there. That, along with all the other things I was afraid I would think about while I was up there, like: water wings, nose plugs, goggles, rubber duckies, making bubbles in the baptismal, being dropped, having to be double-dunked (This is not unheard of! Someone who was baptized last week had to be double-dunked, and someone who was baptized after me was double-dunked!).

Actually, I don't remember much about it once I got in the tub. Someone read my testimony...I don't remember hearing her speaking. All I remember was looking for family and friends, thinking how wonderfully warm the water was, and being confused about where I should put my hands.

Even though the baptism was only a symbol of the cleansing God has done in my life, it actually felt like a completion to this year of turmoil. I was only under water for a second, but it seemed much longer because while I was submerged in the warmth, silence, and darkness, I felt peace and, as silly as this sounds, a feeling that I was actually clean. In fact, I felt wrong about putting the old clothes back on that I had come in. It was a very emotional and symbolic thing for me...kinda like a wedding, I guess. It was great to have my family and so many of my friends there. A couple of my Lifeline girls even came! Yesterday is a day I won't forget!

My testimony will be available on the church website soon. Check it out if you're so inclined:

http://www.adabible.org/testimonies