Happy then and happy now

For some reason I'm doing a lot of reflecting on the past today. I'm not sure this is always a good thing to do--not because the past was necessarily better than the present, but I think that Satan tries to make you think it was. It's the old "the grass is always greener" syndrome. The fact is that I was happy with my life a year ago and I'm happy with my life now. Life is just different.

Sometimes wish I was the "confident," "independent" person I was a year ago, but I remember that a year ago I wanted to be a stay-at-home wife. I got both. But the best part is that any confidence and independence that I've gained over the last few months is much deeper and more real than the confidence I had then. A year ago I had to put forth confidence or else be eaten alive by life. Now I don't have to fake it. I'd rather have less real confidence than all the manufactured confidence in the world. And I know that I gain more of that real confidence every day. In another year I may not recognize myself as the person I was a year ago--in fact, that person is becoming less and less familiar already.

I expect that a year from now the memory of the person I am now will also begin to fade. In a year, I expect that my confidence in who I am will be more developed, I will no longer feel so vulnerable to slipping into the paralyzing grip of fear again, and I will probably look back on my life and sometimes think that things were better in the past than they are at present, and I'll have to remind myself again that things are not better here, they are just different.

Remembering Today

Fresh spring air is drifting through the open front door. The sun is shining and the birds are singing. It's a little after noon and my tasks for the day are almost complete so I can enjoy the rest of the day outside. I'll sit out there and read, pray, and relax until it's almost time for the man of my dreams to walk through the door and greet me with his signature, "Hello, my beautiful bride!" Take a deep breath. Ahh...life is good!

The best part of this good life is that even if the sun wasn't shining and the birds weren't singing, I am still content. I've finally come to a place in my life where I don't need more. If we live in the same house and we never have more money or more things, that's ok. God always has, is, and always will provide us with more than enough.

I'm not just content with what we have, but I'm finally content with who I am. For the first time, I feel like I do deserve my husband. I am confident in my ability to be a great mother. Pregnancy is finally fun, and I'm confident in my ability to give birth without medication. For the last two months, I have had more peace and confidence in Christ's work in me than I have had in my entire life.

I know that not every day will feel like this, but I know that there will be more days like this than days in the shadows. Praise God for His Holy Spirit living in me!