Enjoying a Dream Come True

I am often tempted (and often I fall to the temptation) to think negatively about everything...and I mean, EVERYTHING! Even if my dreams are coming true (and they are right now), instead of rejoicing in the grace of that, I become very suspicious. Why on earth would MY dreams come true? And if my dreams are coming true, shouldn't I have to struggle, to strive, to work, to walk on fire in order to have the things I want? But what testament to God's grace and unreasonable love would I have if I had to strive in order for my dreams to come true?

...And it's not just my dreams that He's allowing to come true in my life, it's even little everyday things. Last weekend while we were on a retreat with our high-schoolers, I had such an intimate moment with God where He distinctly told me that His love is for me too. I was so excited about that, so I asked for a shooting star. Over the next two hours, I looked up in the sky whenever I had the chance, eagerly expecting my shooting star. I looked down for one moment to make sure there was no ice under foot, and in that one moment I heard my husband shout, "DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!" He had seen a shooting star--MY shooting star--the longest, slowest, shooting star he had ever seen. I missed it. I was instantly so angry that God didn't allow me to see it (remember, I am negative about everything). After I calmed down, I finally realized that God gave me what I asked for. He gave me what I asked for but I couldn't enjoy it. I was too busy watching for ice to see the star. This is the story of my life.

This has to be the end of living my life this way, or else I will never be happy. Back in April, before I lost my job and before I met my husband, my strongest desire was to be a good wife and mother. I felt very at home and content with that life. A few weeks later I met my husband, and within 6 months we were married. Three months later, we found out I was pregnant. I haven't had one day of morning sickness (something else I earnestly prayed for!) My dreams were coming true, and I didn't even have to be patient!! Despite all these things, I haven't been dancing under the stars. Instead, I've been watching out for ice and I've been completely miserable. I realize what the problem is, but I honestly have no idea how to fix it. Sadly, I have no idea how to truly enjoy my life, except to keep telling myself that I have a life worth enjoying. I have to keep reminding myself that the joy of seeing the shooting star I asked for is more joyous than the pain of slipping on the ice is painful.

I have to keep reminding myself that the best things in life are not earned or bought. The best things in life are offered, in abundance, by my loving Creator as a gift. I just have to accept that.

The Last 9 Months/The Next 9 Months

This is just a little collage of my life over the past nine months. Add to this the pics of losing my job, having debilitating panic attacks, of gaining a bit of freedom from anxiety, bouts with depression, and days of rest, and you'll have a more complete picture. I can't help but think that all these thing together are not the complete picture, but that they are part of the whole. I have to think that way or else I will be much like I was earlier today -- sobbing over how things are not going as I had planned. According to my plan, at this point in my life I would be completely free of anxious thoughts; I would have a handle on my life; I would have had at least a year after getting married before starting a family; I would have been able to stay a while longer in the responsibility free moments of weekends at the cabin or evenings on the snowboarding hills. I'm not sure why the thought of not having that depresses me. I have gained much more than I've lost. I've lost only a little freedom and responsibility and a job that I never really liked anyway. I've gained another great family, a deep knowledge of how little strength I have apart from God, many restful days, and the beginning of my own family.

While I'm mourning the life that is behind me, I just know that 8 months from now I'll see the bigger, more beautiful picture. Forgive me for my discontent.