Black What???

While millions of people stood in line in the dark hours before the retail stores opened, I was wrapped tightly in a heavy, warm quilt on Grandma's living room sofa.

While millions of people breathed each other's air in crowded aisles and stood in long check-out lines, I walked along the gravel roads that lie between yellow fields that stretch out into the infinite sky and breathed the freshest air I've breathed for almost a year.

If you ask me, I got the best deal of the season on black Friday.

Scattered thoughts and Cardboard Testimonies

Man, I've sat down here to write about 4 times since Friday and I can't seem to complete a thought. So, here are some thoughtlets:

1.) Probably one of the greatest disservices someone can do God and other people is try to appear perfect. Of course, this is a slap in God's face because He's the only one who is perfect. The more I try to appear perfect, the less of God people see in me. Let's say I do something stupid like say something mean about someone and they find out and approach me about it. I could try to save my perfect reputation and lie about it, or I could just come out and say, "Yeah, I said that. I was in a bad mood and I let it get the best of me. I'm really sorry. I hope you can forgive me." Which scenario are people more likely to see Jesus in? The one where I ALWAYS appear to do and say the right thing, or the one where I screw up, but take the difficult and humiliating road of...well, humility, which I could never do without Christ???

2.) I've been really busy lately. It's not been "bad" busy...I've actually had a lot of fun. However, I'm finding that even "fun" busy is still busy and wearing. If I don't have time to think through the events of the day, all my thoughts, feelings, impressions, etc. get jumbled up into a big anxiety ball...that's right...and anxiety ball. I need time to process, rest, and sometimes even get bored.

3.) I participated in a cardboard testimony thing at church on Sunday. It was extremely powerful to see a display of what people struggled with before Christ and then to see how Christ changed them. One of the most touching for me was a guy who had "I have MS" on one side of his board, and on the other side he wrote, "God is My Savior." The "M" in "My" and the "S" in "Savior" were underlined. Another guy wrote "Addicted to Porn" on one side, and on the other, "Addicted to God." It was hard to find a dry eye in the audience. I'm sure there are a number of reasons people were so touched by the testimonies. For one, it's awesome to see exactly how God has changed a person. But also, I think a lot of people were convicted. So often we go to church and bury our sorrows, afflictions, and addictions, or we try to ignore them altogether. But when someone goes up to the front of the church and says, "Hey, look! I struggled with (porn, anger, loneliness, fear, insecurity, fill in the blank) every Sunday as I sat in these pews just like you. But I finally let God get a strong hold on me and now look...I'm free!" And the thing is, people think that if they are Christians, they shouldn't have strongholds. That's why they try to appear perfect or they try to ignore their problems. How can you ever begin to be set free from your problems if you keep ignoring them? God's not ignoring them...what makes you think you can?

This isn't from our church, but this is the type of thing we did:



Pretty amazing, huh?

If only work could be more like this...

Taking a "Splash" for Jesus!

After hearing that I was getting baptized, a guy from Union came up to me and said, "Glad to see you're making a splash for Jesus!" Very corny. I tried not to think about that comment while I was standing up there. That, along with all the other things I was afraid I would think about while I was up there, like: water wings, nose plugs, goggles, rubber duckies, making bubbles in the baptismal, being dropped, having to be double-dunked (This is not unheard of! Someone who was baptized last week had to be double-dunked, and someone who was baptized after me was double-dunked!).

Actually, I don't remember much about it once I got in the tub. Someone read my testimony...I don't remember hearing her speaking. All I remember was looking for family and friends, thinking how wonderfully warm the water was, and being confused about where I should put my hands.

Even though the baptism was only a symbol of the cleansing God has done in my life, it actually felt like a completion to this year of turmoil. I was only under water for a second, but it seemed much longer because while I was submerged in the warmth, silence, and darkness, I felt peace and, as silly as this sounds, a feeling that I was actually clean. In fact, I felt wrong about putting the old clothes back on that I had come in. It was a very emotional and symbolic thing for me...kinda like a wedding, I guess. It was great to have my family and so many of my friends there. A couple of my Lifeline girls even came! Yesterday is a day I won't forget!

My testimony will be available on the church website soon. Check it out if you're so inclined:

http://www.adabible.org/testimonies

If I had the chance to thank them all, I would

Thank you:

Jon Hazen
Adam Kohler
Adam Lippert
Brian Shotts
Bill Shotts
Ron Green
Robert Nickel
Caleb Key
Norm Fenton
Jason Roossien
Bobby Kiely
Bob Crans
Mike Berthold
Chris Parker

The Risk of Love

A friend of mine got fired. It happened on Friday, but I didn’t find out until I walked out of the coffee kitchen, which sits directly across from his cubical, and found his office completely empty. I expressed a few words of shock, grasped for any other explanation for why his office is empty--he switched cubes, maybe he was trying to straighten up his office, etc.--and finally was told “Yeah. It happened Friday.” Immediately, my throat tightened up and my head started to ache in front of unreleasable tears. I stomped into my office and screamed, “I can’t believe they fired Alan! I hate this place!”

This episode was not helpful to my issue with permanence. Everything tangible in life is also temporary, so that means that everything is temporary. The only things on this earth that are not temporary are emotions. So, if I’m hurt by someone or something, that lasts forever in some form or another. It’s hard to say the same of positive emotions, like happiness or love. It’s so easy to let hurt linger, but so difficult to let happiness linger, isn’t it?

Besides my friend getting fired, this issue has resurfaced because tomorrow my mom goes in for a procedure to have some abnormal cells removed from her cervix. The chance that she could get cervical cancer is extremely low, but I had already worked myself up into a frenzy before I researched the prognosis of mild dysplasia. I mean, if something happened to her, I know I could deal with it, but I don’t think it would be pretty. It’s hard enough on a day to day basis not to give up on “the narrow path.” Throw sickness and death in there and I can only hope that the habit of walking with God through difficult times will kick in. I believe it would. It’s just one of those things you don’t know if you can deal with until you have to deal with it.

But anyway, realizing that everything in my life is temporary makes me wonder if finding love, friendship, and acceptance on earth is even worth the risk. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Sometimes I seriously doubt that. Love may be worth it because you are enriching someone else’s life, but relationship may not be. I wonder if the two really go hand-in-hand. In my opinion, love is something you choose to do; in other words, it’s not a feeling….and I think the deepest feelings are formed through relationships.

It makes me wonder if I should ever get married, even if I wanted to. What if the pain of loss is stronger than the delight of love? I know that God is with me through all my hurts; I’ve experienced that. But wouldn’t it be better just to avoid hurt altogether? But then again, sometimes the pain of loneliness is worse than the pain of loss.

Maybe when I really begin to believe that, I’ll think about getting into a relationship. Until then, what about my relationships with my friends? I’m tempted to keep them at arm’s length, too. But maybe it’s the pain of loss or the possibility of loss that keeps us in check with God. Maybe I should just go all out with loving people, knowing that I will get hurt, but that God is bigger than my pain. Maybe I should be vulnerable since I know who I am in Christ, and knowing who I am in Christ means that I know that only He can love me perfectly, and that He is bigger than my pain.

Maybe the risk of love is worth the comfort I receive from Him when I hurt.

The Week in Review

Monday: Started the countdown to Friday. Nothing new.

Tuesday: I know something important happened on Tuesday, but I can't remember what it was. JK! Of course, it was the election. How can i forget the hippie lady standing in front of me in line who kept trying to get everyone to sing the national anthem?? She tried a couple times. With diminishing confidence, she would sing, "OH SAY CAN YOU SEE? By the...dawn's...hnearly...high...hm hm hmMmm...." then complete silence... It was annoying, but entertaining nonetheless.

Tuesday night was, of course, Union, which, of course, rocked! But I realized something about myself. It started when i told a friend of mine that I wanted to do ministry full-time, and ended with me getting annoyed by a couple people at Union. Why was I annoyed? Simply because these people were being "overly" relational. That's my term for it, but I suppose they were just trying to get to know me. It was annoying to me because I just wanted to chill with my friends and catch up with them. Wednesday morning, God was like, "Do you really want to do ministry full-time, or is it just that you want to do it for money?" And I was like, "Too-shay!" And that's when I realized that full-time ministry isn't just 9-5, Monday through Friday, when it's convenient for me. It's all the time: when I'm standing in line at the grocery store, when I'm standing in line to vote (I regret that I did not join in the song), when I'm driving my car, when I'm interacting with my friends, when I'm alone at home. What I consider ministry is a 24/7 thing. My conclusion? It's going to be hard, but I whole-heartedly want to do it...even if it means answering and asking question after annoying question. It's giving all my time for God and trusting that when it's time to rest, He will provide.

Wednesday: Obama wins the election. Some people are upset, some (apparently the majority) are excited to tears (Oprah), and almost every gets angry at some point during the day, either because of the results of the election or because others aren't as excited about it as others. Hey! Should be an interesting 4 years...or maybe 8...

Thursday: Didn't have anything to do Thursday night and was completely bored. This shows how far I've come. I used to be perfectly content not having things to do on weeknights, but now I think I may be addicted to socializing. But hey, at least it was Friday Eve!

Thursday evening: Watched Grey's Anatomy and bawled my eyes out! I mean, seriously, melo-drama can't get any better than an old man fruitlessly pumping his wife's heart. Awww...I just wanted to squeeze him!

And then there's The Office. All I have to say is: "That's what she said! That's what she said! That's what she said!"

Friday: Got to go to Olive Garden at lunch for free! Had the most boring day at work, however. Finally told my boss I was extremely bored with my job and need a challenge. She placed another job at Comcast under my nose. It's a bit more challenging simply because it's different. I would at least get to work with other people in this job. However, I'm ready to move out of the cable industry altogether. But maybe I should take the job anyway, just to get me through. Any suggestions?

Friday night: Spent the evening at church participating in the junior high worship night. It was fantastic! It was so awesome to see so many junior highers so passionate about praising their God. After my Lifeline girls have graduated and if I'm still in Grand Rapids and if I'm still energetic enough at 31, I think I'll circle back around to junior high and commit to spending 6th-12th grade with my group. What a crazy group of kids those junior highers are! I should fit right in!

Saturday: Went to my favorite place in Grand Rapids, Barnes and Noble. I go there every Saturday morning, order coffee, and read the first chapters of about 15 books. This Saturday I had a purpose. I was meeting the parents of the girls in my small group. Unfortunately, none of them showed up. The good news is that I got to read the first 3rd of a fabulous book by Fredrick Buechner called "Telling Secrets." He is an incredible writer. His thoughts flow so seamlessly that you can't really put the book down until a chapter ends. So, don't start reading his books if you only have a few minutes before you have to start supper, or go pick up the kids. His books are for snowy afternoons in front of the fireplace. And if you've never read Fredrick Buecher, then "Telling Secrets" is a great book to start with. It's an autobiography that begins with his father's suicide. I wanted to buy it, but Barnes didn't have it in their used book section. They also didn't have Italo Calvino's "If on a winter's night a traveler" in the used book section, so I went to Bargain Books and bought that one. I told my friend, Annie, that I was reading it, and she asked me what it was about. I couldn't really tell her. It wasn't because the book is uninteresting; it's because the book is crazy. It messes with your mind. If you have nothing to do this week, please stop by the bookstore and read the first two chapters of Italo Calvino's "If on a winter's night a traveler" and tell me what you thought. I think it's fabulous!

The rest of Saturday was spent in warm, cozy, lazy, procrastinating bliss on my couch, followed by an early bedtime, which continued on said couch. This, my friends, was a glorious sabbath!

...and that is my week in review...

Why Obama is Good For Me

I wasn’t informed enough about McCain’s policies to vote FOR him, but I voted for him as a vote AGAINST Obama.

(I think McCain is an awesome guy. Very few can claim the heroism he can, but doesn’t. The guy broke both arms and a leg and almost drowned when his plane was shot down in Vietnam (try staying above water with 50 lbs. of gear on your back…now try it with two broken arms and a broken leg). Then he survived a contaminated POW camp where he received little to no medical care for 5 ½ years. The fact that he lived is a miracle. This is not a man anyone should be calling “weak,” as I’ve heard my co-workers describe him. Read the complete story here: http://www.usnews.com/articles/news/2008/01/28/john-mccain-prisoner-of-war-a-first-person-account.html)

So, when I woke up on Wednesday morning to learn that Obama was going to be our new president, I must admit, I felt a heaviness in my chest. Admittedly (and hysterically), I got really quiet and listened for any noises outside that would indicate the end of world. Alas, I didn’t hear anything of the sort.

I realized that the impending sense of doom that I felt was irrational and stupid, but nevertheless, I still felt it. During my run, I prayed that God would change my heart. By the time I was done showering that morning, I was actually really excited about the election results. In fact, someone at work said I looked happy (which is huge for me since I apparently always look bored…at least according to one co-worker). I’m assuming he thought my happiness was because of the results of the election. My happiness had nothing to do with the election, and it had everything to do with the election.

Even though I didn’t vote for him, I’m glad Barak Obama was elected. *collective gasp* It was ultimately, the campaign slogans that won me over. Not his, mind you, but my own personal campaign slogan: “politics has officially become a religion”--this directed mostly at Obama supporters with their sparkling eyes gazing in awe at their candidate, deceiving themselves into thinking that he will be their salvation, and boldly proclaiming the gospel of “change.” But Wednesday morning, when I awoke with a feeling of emptiness and oppression, I realized that my campaign slogan also applied to me. Why would I have felt emptiness and oppression? Could it possibly have been because I was also putting a measure of my hope and security in the government? Absolutely! Would I feel that emptiness and fear if I had truly had God first in my life? Absolutely not!

It’s sad, really, to realize that the sweep of a political party took another piece of my earthly security. But oddly, I feel free again! I feel like someone has stomped on the tidy little American Christian conservative box I’ve been carrying around for years that I have claimed contains God, only to find it completely empty. What a great discovery! You mean the God I love and worship isn’t bound by political parties, laws, and economics after all?? You mean the president is no longer my Christian spokesperson? Brilliant! (Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against President Bush, but I think part of the reason so many people hate him is because he tried to install godliness in a nation that obviously is not interested in godliness. God didn’t even do that, and in fact, He refused to do it!)

To borrow from the president-elect, now indeed, it’s time for a change. This is our chance! This is an incredible opportunity to trust God; to live our faith. This is a chance for us to get our minds out of the law and into the Gospels; to get our hearts out of politics and into the body of Christ; to get our hands out of Washington and into our communities. In essence, this is a chance for us to stop being politicians and start being apostles. Brothers and sisters, this is what we were made to do—everything else is just a distraction…it is false security…it is weak…it is corrupt…it is fully human!

Since I have no particle of hope in the government anymore, I HAVE to put my hope in God. That’s extremely freeing because I know God will never disappoint the way politicians do. God doesn’t have to be re-elected, He doesn’t have to give inspiring speeches, He doesn’t need to spend billions of dollars, He doesn’t need to convince us of His ability to do the job. He is the beginning and the end of everything. We don’t need a president to redeem us; we have a God who ALREADY HAS redeemed us!

So, why is Obama’s election victory good for me?

…Because it gives me another perfect opportunity to trust God!

Coming Attractions

I have a ton to say about the election and the next four years and Christianity and politics and what not, but I'm just too dang tired to write about it right now. But stayed tuned for "Why Obama Will Be Good For Me."

Going Home

So, I went home this weekend. Admittedly, it was a bit of paranoia that goosed me into going. On Thursday, I just happened to think that I now have some extra money, so I could make it home if I wanted. Then I thought maybe I would just save the money. But then I thought, “What if your parents die tomorrow, and you missed seeing them one last time just to save $50?” So, I decided to go. But seriously, wouldn’t that suck if you were like, “Well, my parents are dead, but at least I have this $50!” Yeah… I didn’t want that to be me.

How was my trip home? I guess I could sum it up in two words: relaxing and reflective.
Visiting in the summer is awesome because I get to relax by the pool; visiting in the fall/winter is great because I get to relax in front of the fireplace. It probably wasn’t really cold enough to turn on the fireplace, but whatever…I had to take advantage of the opportunity since I’m going to need to store up on the heat since my house is, like, 30 below in the winter.

To say that I “relaxed” may not be completely accurate. Frankly, I was just lazy. Saturday I didn’t bother to shower or brush my teeth. I loafed in front of the fireplace most of the day, getting up only to use the restroom and eat. It gets worse. There was a point on Saturday evening where my dad and I were both laying on the floor. We wanted to change the channel, but the remote wasn’t within arm’s reach for either of us, so we just watched whatever was on. “Whatever was on” was some Spanish soap opera or something.

If you know my dad, you know it’s very unusual for him to NOT be doing something, let alone be lazy. Unfortunately, my dad wasn’t doing anything because he was in pain. We think he pinched a nerve in his back. My entire life he has never had a pain that would stop him. This weekend he did. It was very unusual for me to see. It was a wake-up call too. I know the pinched nerve may not be a serious thing, but it served to remind me that my parents are getting older. Over the last few weeks and months, both parents have been experiencing some health issues. Dad had to have a biopsy on his prostate. The results showed that there was an “irregularity,” but that it wasn’t cancer…just something to watch. Mom also had some “irregular” cells on her cervix and will be going in next week to have them removed. I’m glad neither of them have cancer, but the “coulds” and the “ifs”—it COULD turn into cancer IF we don’t do something now—feed into my tendency to anticipate the worst for longer than necessary. And it pretty much sucks that life’s timeline dictates that kids leave home as their parents get older. It seems wrong—the less time we have on earth with our parents, the less we see them? That’s very backwards. So, maybe my decision to go home this weekend wasn’t necessarily paranoia so much as a deep understanding of the reality that day by day, I have less time to spend with them.

Besides coming to the realization of having aging parents, this trip home was different in another way. When I left Grand Rapids for Valpo, I felt like I was being sucked back by a vacuum; same thing when I left Valpo headed back for Grand Rapids. There’s a tug of war going on. Grand Rapids, surprisingly, represents to me new life, moving on, and adventure, while Valpo represents comfort, settling down, and rest. I didn’t realize that’s what was going on until my mom said something like, “If you move back to Valpo…”. I hadn’t really thought about it that much while I was in GR, but when she said that, I realized that what I’m seeking in GR, I can’t find in Valpo. I may not even be able to find in GR….or the U.S. for that matter. In Grand Rapids, that thought is exciting; but when I’m in Valpo at the house I grew up in, sitting at the table where I’ve had countless meaningful conversation with my family, that’s a very frightening thought that makes me really sad. John 12:25 says that whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life save it. Valpo represents the life I love. Grand Rapids represents the life I hate. I would love to move home, but I’m afraid I would lose my “life.” Not that I would physically die, but that I would die a little spiritually. But of course, life isn’t just geography. I think I could lose my life every day no matter where I am, but I always thought of Valpo as the place I would settle down. The truth is I don’t feel like I’ll ever settle down. I’m beginning to feel like I wasn’t made for a comfortable, predictable life, even if that’s what I’m drawn to. There’s something much deeper than my desire (maybe God’s desire?) that’s making me hesitant to go back. Maybe it’s just curiosity and adventure, and it will fade away some day too. I just don’t know…not yet anyway…

In the meantime, I have a few things to put me at ease over the next couple months. My parents will be here in two weeks for my baptism. Two weeks after that, I’ll be home for Thanksgiving. Then a month after that I’ll be home for more than a week for Christmas! Until then, I’m just going to enjoy my life here.