For a very long time now, I have been resisting making Grand Rapids my home. While I still hope to move back home to Indiana some day, I finally decided that while I'm here, I might as well enjoy it so that I don't miss out on anything. Ever since I made that decision, God has opened my eyes to all the great people here that make it feel like I'm close to family.
I would like to publicly acknowledge the following people:
Ada Bible Church! I love you! Ada Bible Church is an enormous church, but it's also an enormous family. From the first time I stepped foot in the door of this church, I felt completely accepted. I wasn't accepted because I was dressed right or because my life was perfect; I was accepted because I'm human. Thank you, Ada Bible Church, for being a spiritual hospital and not a country club.
Dianne Starrett, my small group leader. Dianne is a great example of dedication, thoughtfulness, and generosity. Thank you, Dianne, for sticking around for Bible study even when it was just the two of us. We've had some great talks, and I hope to have many more. Also, Dianne volunteered to watch my insanely retarded dog while I was working two jobs. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have no idea how much pressure that took off of me during a time when I was barely taking care of myself.
Cheryl Lippert, my supervisor. Cheryl and I were the youngest in our department and so could relate pretty easily right off the bat. Cheryl has given me tons of helpful advice and had my back when I needed support, but also whipped me into shape when I slacked off. A week and a half ago, when I had a panic attack, she came over and cleaned my kitchen, stood outside when I needed a few moments to freak out, held me up when I couldn't stand, and guided me through to sanity. Cheryl is getting married in September and is moving away. Her last day at work is Thursday. It wasn't until last week that I realized she really has been a sister to me these last 3 1/2 years we've worked together. I will miss her tremendously.
Joel Rohne. Joel, thank you for being you so that I can be me. Thank you for driving me home when I was too sick to drive myself. I know you may have been a little worried about me puking in your new car, but you let me borrow your passenger's seat anyway, no questions asked. Wouldn't even take gas money. Thank you for the plate of food as well. I couldn't make it last more than 2 minutes.
Pieter Vander Laan. Piet fixed my lawn mower just 'cuz and wouldn't take any money for it. He also mowed my lawn while I was away...just 'cuz. Thank you Pieter! Oh, and I can't forget that Pieter opened his home to Union every Sunday for an entire year! It's not like we all just came, did a 30 minute Bible study and then left. No...my group, for instance, sometimes had 1 1/2 hour long Bible studies. Then, we'd hang out and play Guitar Hero 3. I bet there were nights when we weren't out of there until after 10. That sucks on a Sunday night when you have to work on Monday morning. That's hospitality that I'm not sure I am gracefully capable of.
Meghan and Rich and Rich's kids. Meghan and Rich had Bella and me over for a BBQ when my heart was freshly broken and I was at my loneliest and emptiest. Thank you for the great food, a great jam session on Rock Band, but mostly for your friendship. And I have to say, I'm in love with Lily and Richie. Those kids are smart and charming! They both have incredible wit and cracked me up when I didn't think I was capable of smiling.
Cathy V. Cathy is an incredible person. We have been able to relate not through similar backgrounds, beliefs, or even musical taste; we have been able to relate through the willingness to share our hearts. One thing that I won't forget is when I went on my lunch break and wrote a blog about how lonely I was feeling. All I wanted was someone just to be there. I kid you not, as soon as I walked in the building, face all red, eyes swollen, nose dripping, Cathy said, "What's your number? I'm coming over tonight and I'm bringing my baby, a pizza, and a six-pack. You don't need to say a word if you don't feel like it." Thank you, God, for Cathy!
There are, of course, countless others whose presence and participation are appreciated. Thank you, Union, for being so freaking cool and for being so accepting and so normal!
I don't know how much longer I'll be in Grand Rapids, but I know that as long as I'm here, I have incredible friends. God has blessed me with a family away from home! Thank you!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Thoughts Before Bed 062908
Thoughts before bed:
1.) Psalm 119:92 “Unless Your law had been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction.”
What it means to me: I would have died or killed myself if I didn’t have you, God. You saved my life!
2.) In his book, “Deliver Us From Me-Ville,” David Zimmerman asks a very interesting question about how two people who don’t know anything about each other make sense of each other. He answers his question this way, “Simply put, they judge everything in comparison to how they understand themselves” (28).
You see this all the time in electronic communication. I know some people who, for some reason, always e-mail in CAPS. “HOW ARE YOU TODAY?” I get an e-mail like this and I’m thinking, “He/She must be really agitated.” Why do I think this? Because if I had written an email this way, I would essentially be saying, “I’m incredibly irritated by everything and everyone right now, but I’m making an attempt to be positive, but at the same time, I want you to know that I’m about to punch someone.” As it turns out, my friend is very satisfied with life, really does want to know how I’m doing today but must do all his/her work in DST with the CAPS LOCK on (my friends at work can understand this annoying attribute of working with a DOS-based system), and is only in a hurry and just doesn’t want to bother hitting the CAPS LOCK before and after emailing me.
Other thoughts this provokes: When we look at others, we may not realize it sometimes, but we’re looking in a mirror. For instance, when I look in the mirror, I notice the dark circles under my eyes. When I look at other people, I look for dark circles under their eyes. If they have dark circles under their eyes, I feel an immediate connection to them without one word having been spoken between us.
I believe the same is true of the non-physical. Jesus said in Matthew 15:18, “But whatever comes out of the mouth comes from the heart…” When I judge others, I’m judging from the heart. If I don’t know the person, then where did my appraisal of that person come from? They couldn’t have put it there in the split-second that we’ve shared in life together, so it must come from my appraisal of myself. Therefore, I have to ask myself, “Do I hate that thing about that person because I hate that thing about myself?” The first time I asked myself this question was after I met my brother’s (now ex-) girlfriend. I immediately couldn’t stand, and so I expressed, that she was a know-it-all. A couple weeks later, I found myself butting into a conversation on a subject I happen to know a bit about in order to add my un-invited two (or four, ok…five…actually it was probably more like 25) cents. When my soliloquy wasn’t met with awe and appreciation, I had a mental “Doh!” and remembered the ruthless judgment I had made about my brother’s girlfriend.
Zimmerman makes an excellent point. So did Jesus when he asked, “Why do you stare from without at the very small particle that is in your brother’s eye but do not become aware of and consider the beam of timber that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3). Notice that both people had the same problem: they both had something in their eye. But the person who was doing the judging had the bigger thing in their eye…Selah….
Warning: If you’re with a group of people and you make a judgment about someone, you are likely revealing more to that group of people about yourself than you are about the person you’re judging. You might as well just take off all your clothes in public. It would probably be less humiliating….
3.) I really should get to bed…
1.) Psalm 119:92 “Unless Your law had been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction.”
What it means to me: I would have died or killed myself if I didn’t have you, God. You saved my life!
2.) In his book, “Deliver Us From Me-Ville,” David Zimmerman asks a very interesting question about how two people who don’t know anything about each other make sense of each other. He answers his question this way, “Simply put, they judge everything in comparison to how they understand themselves” (28).
You see this all the time in electronic communication. I know some people who, for some reason, always e-mail in CAPS. “HOW ARE YOU TODAY?” I get an e-mail like this and I’m thinking, “He/She must be really agitated.” Why do I think this? Because if I had written an email this way, I would essentially be saying, “I’m incredibly irritated by everything and everyone right now, but I’m making an attempt to be positive, but at the same time, I want you to know that I’m about to punch someone.” As it turns out, my friend is very satisfied with life, really does want to know how I’m doing today but must do all his/her work in DST with the CAPS LOCK on (my friends at work can understand this annoying attribute of working with a DOS-based system), and is only in a hurry and just doesn’t want to bother hitting the CAPS LOCK before and after emailing me.
Other thoughts this provokes: When we look at others, we may not realize it sometimes, but we’re looking in a mirror. For instance, when I look in the mirror, I notice the dark circles under my eyes. When I look at other people, I look for dark circles under their eyes. If they have dark circles under their eyes, I feel an immediate connection to them without one word having been spoken between us.
I believe the same is true of the non-physical. Jesus said in Matthew 15:18, “But whatever comes out of the mouth comes from the heart…” When I judge others, I’m judging from the heart. If I don’t know the person, then where did my appraisal of that person come from? They couldn’t have put it there in the split-second that we’ve shared in life together, so it must come from my appraisal of myself. Therefore, I have to ask myself, “Do I hate that thing about that person because I hate that thing about myself?” The first time I asked myself this question was after I met my brother’s (now ex-) girlfriend. I immediately couldn’t stand, and so I expressed, that she was a know-it-all. A couple weeks later, I found myself butting into a conversation on a subject I happen to know a bit about in order to add my un-invited two (or four, ok…five…actually it was probably more like 25) cents. When my soliloquy wasn’t met with awe and appreciation, I had a mental “Doh!” and remembered the ruthless judgment I had made about my brother’s girlfriend.
Zimmerman makes an excellent point. So did Jesus when he asked, “Why do you stare from without at the very small particle that is in your brother’s eye but do not become aware of and consider the beam of timber that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3). Notice that both people had the same problem: they both had something in their eye. But the person who was doing the judging had the bigger thing in their eye…Selah….
Warning: If you’re with a group of people and you make a judgment about someone, you are likely revealing more to that group of people about yourself than you are about the person you’re judging. You might as well just take off all your clothes in public. It would probably be less humiliating….
3.) I really should get to bed…
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Every day is an elipsis... ... ... ...
My mind has been racing for days. Here's the top ten things on my mind:
10.) I have to be full of forgiveness and kindness toward everyone in the body of Christ no matter what so that I can contribute to the completeness of the body of Christ. (Ephesians 4:12-13)
9.) I am not good Suzie McChristian because I read my Bible and pray. I read my Bible and pray because I am NOT good. On the same token, my life isn't filled with better "luck" because I read my Bible and pray, my mind is just filled with more Truth.
8.) I am thankful for God's grace, but I don't think I've fully grasped it. I still try so hard to be Christ-like that I think I sometimes drive myself nuts. I am not Jesus; I am a disciple. I'm a messy Christian. I doubt, I fear, I judge...I chastise myself for my imperfection...still...even though I know I can't be perfect and that's perfectly fine with God.
7.) I expect from other people what I expect from myself, and I expect perfection from myself most of the time. As much as it hurts to admit it, JR was right. I expected him to be perfect. I'm thankful he wasn't because it made me realize that I'm not either...and I never will be (AAAAHHHHGGG! I'm STILL having trouble accepting that!!!! ...I'm working on it...)
6.) I feel very bad for whoever ends up marrying me (if God chooses to bless me in that way). I am a mess! My unfortunate future husband, I hope you are patient and gracious and, most of all, have a tight, secure relationship with God, because I promise you, I'll love you sweetly, but I will hurt you bitterly... I wish there was a preemptive "I'm sorry" I could place over the relationship, but then, I suppose, I would never learn how to be sweet more often than bitter.
5.) I still don't know what to do with my life. It seems like I have many small desires that always evaporate like dew from the ground. Is this how it will always be for me? Desiring always, but never desiring and following through with ONE THING? All I know is that I have a burning desire in my heart, but I don't know for what...
4.) I am thankful that Saturday is my last day working my second job. I have found that, for me, the stress of having very little money is better than the stress of having very little time.
3.) I have an inexpressible joy in me, and that is extremely frustrating. I want people to understand this joy with their deepest understanding, but I can't make sense of it. I don't know how to release it. I can't write about it, because I don't have the words. I can't sing about it because I don't have the voice. It sounds cliche, but I really think the only way is to shout about it from the mountains!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!!!!
2.) I have books, the internet, over 200 TV channels, video games, movies, yardwork, housework, and homework. They all eventually bore me. But I can watch a thunderstorm, a sunrise, a sunset, waves crashing on the rocks a billion days in a row, and I can listen to leaves running with the wind and mourning doves sing their song for endless days and never get tired of it. Isn't it funny how those books, movies, TV shows and video games receive awards for their finite entertainment value, but God's infinite creativity goes largely unnoticed day in and day out? (Incidentally, isn't it funny how the awards that are handed out are usually golden statues? "I don't know what happened! They gave me their gold, and out popped this calf!" Aaron shrugs....)
1.) If I only recognized God in as many things I recognize Satan in, maybe I would enjoy my daily life more....
There it is. That's the top 10, but that's not the whole of it...I have discussions with myself all day long concerning these things...the thoughts morph exponentially...maybe I'll have some answers soon...more likely, I never will have answers....my life is an elipsis.......................
10.) I have to be full of forgiveness and kindness toward everyone in the body of Christ no matter what so that I can contribute to the completeness of the body of Christ. (Ephesians 4:12-13)
9.) I am not good Suzie McChristian because I read my Bible and pray. I read my Bible and pray because I am NOT good. On the same token, my life isn't filled with better "luck" because I read my Bible and pray, my mind is just filled with more Truth.
8.) I am thankful for God's grace, but I don't think I've fully grasped it. I still try so hard to be Christ-like that I think I sometimes drive myself nuts. I am not Jesus; I am a disciple. I'm a messy Christian. I doubt, I fear, I judge...I chastise myself for my imperfection...still...even though I know I can't be perfect and that's perfectly fine with God.
7.) I expect from other people what I expect from myself, and I expect perfection from myself most of the time. As much as it hurts to admit it, JR was right. I expected him to be perfect. I'm thankful he wasn't because it made me realize that I'm not either...and I never will be (AAAAHHHHGGG! I'm STILL having trouble accepting that!!!! ...I'm working on it...)
6.) I feel very bad for whoever ends up marrying me (if God chooses to bless me in that way). I am a mess! My unfortunate future husband, I hope you are patient and gracious and, most of all, have a tight, secure relationship with God, because I promise you, I'll love you sweetly, but I will hurt you bitterly... I wish there was a preemptive "I'm sorry" I could place over the relationship, but then, I suppose, I would never learn how to be sweet more often than bitter.
5.) I still don't know what to do with my life. It seems like I have many small desires that always evaporate like dew from the ground. Is this how it will always be for me? Desiring always, but never desiring and following through with ONE THING? All I know is that I have a burning desire in my heart, but I don't know for what...
4.) I am thankful that Saturday is my last day working my second job. I have found that, for me, the stress of having very little money is better than the stress of having very little time.
3.) I have an inexpressible joy in me, and that is extremely frustrating. I want people to understand this joy with their deepest understanding, but I can't make sense of it. I don't know how to release it. I can't write about it, because I don't have the words. I can't sing about it because I don't have the voice. It sounds cliche, but I really think the only way is to shout about it from the mountains!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!!!!
2.) I have books, the internet, over 200 TV channels, video games, movies, yardwork, housework, and homework. They all eventually bore me. But I can watch a thunderstorm, a sunrise, a sunset, waves crashing on the rocks a billion days in a row, and I can listen to leaves running with the wind and mourning doves sing their song for endless days and never get tired of it. Isn't it funny how those books, movies, TV shows and video games receive awards for their finite entertainment value, but God's infinite creativity goes largely unnoticed day in and day out? (Incidentally, isn't it funny how the awards that are handed out are usually golden statues? "I don't know what happened! They gave me their gold, and out popped this calf!" Aaron shrugs....)
1.) If I only recognized God in as many things I recognize Satan in, maybe I would enjoy my daily life more....
There it is. That's the top 10, but that's not the whole of it...I have discussions with myself all day long concerning these things...the thoughts morph exponentially...maybe I'll have some answers soon...more likely, I never will have answers....my life is an elipsis.......................
Sunday, June 22, 2008
No words...
I just spent the last four days back home in Indiana. I called in to both jobs on Thursday and went home one day earlier than I planned. I needed as much time I could get. Home is a hospital. I went there to get better, and while I'm better, I'm still not healed. But I have no doubt that God will give me the strength I need for each day.
This morning it seemed impossible to continue my life. I was ready to give up; to leave everything behind. My body, my spirit, and my mind felt limp...paralyzed, but He gave me strength one step at a time. I'm thankful that my mom was there to guide me.
Folks, this is an incredibly difficult time for me. I'm too exhausted to go into detail, but I believe this is only the beginning of a journey of faith for me. I'm excited to see what God will do.
Matthew 6:31-34
"But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.
So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble."
This morning it seemed impossible to continue my life. I was ready to give up; to leave everything behind. My body, my spirit, and my mind felt limp...paralyzed, but He gave me strength one step at a time. I'm thankful that my mom was there to guide me.
Folks, this is an incredibly difficult time for me. I'm too exhausted to go into detail, but I believe this is only the beginning of a journey of faith for me. I'm excited to see what God will do.
Matthew 6:31-34
"But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.
So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble."
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
It's time for battle when....
....you're curled up in a gutter on the side of the road, puking in the sewer drain...
If you read this, please pray for me now. There's a battle going on.
If you read this, please pray for me now. There's a battle going on.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
God, I will crawl!
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [b]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [c]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
10So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [[d]in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful [e]in divine strength).”
I was an hour late for work today. Actually, I was in the parking lot at work for the first hour.
I can’t explain what happened. It seems like I can only release but I can’t embrace. When I laughed this morning I was exhausted. I let the breath out but had hardly enough energy to let it back in. When I cried this morning it was that same cry I’ve heard from exhausted babies—a long, loud cry and only throaty gasps in. I can speak, but it’s exhausting to listen. It’s even exhausting to listen to music. I want silence. I know I need to relax, but it seems like it takes more energy to relax than to tense up. I know I’m hungry but it’s so hard to eat. This morning while I sat in my car, I had to force-feed myself my lunch. It was a pathetic display. I had no fork so I ate my rice and beans pinching the food between four fingers and dropping it into my mouth. I probably looked like one of those starving children from India that you see on TV, ferociously consuming the first taste of rice they’ve had in weeks.
Bless those children, Lord. Forgive me for my weakness…
Before I attempted to walk into work today, I cried, “God, I can’t do this!” He said, “If you will take the first step, I will give you strength for the next step and the next step and the next.” I said, “Lord, I’ll crawl if I have to. No matter what it takes, even if I have to crawl, I know you’ll give me the strength.” Well, I finally walked into work. At one point I thought it would be impossible for me to get my body in to work today, but here I am. I know that if I had to do it on my own strength I wouldn’t be here now. I would have turned around and gone back to bed. But here I am.
Now that I’m here, now that I’ve made it to work (yes, an hour late, but better late than never), now that I’ve overcome another obstacle, I’m fighting against pride. Since I made it, I gave myself a mental pat on the back: “I’m stronger than I thought.” But truth of it is I’m actually weaker than I thought and God is stronger than I thought. How could I even begin to give myself the credit when I couldn’t even inhale without asking for His strength to do it?!?!? My pride is laughable......and frustrating!
Lord, if I have to crawl into work every day in order for you to be glorified, so be it! You are my Strength. Forgive me for my pride. I can’t do anything apart from you. I cannot live or breathe or eat or cry or laugh or listen or speak without you…
“But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [b]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [c]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
10So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [[d]in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful [e]in divine strength).”
I was an hour late for work today. Actually, I was in the parking lot at work for the first hour.
I can’t explain what happened. It seems like I can only release but I can’t embrace. When I laughed this morning I was exhausted. I let the breath out but had hardly enough energy to let it back in. When I cried this morning it was that same cry I’ve heard from exhausted babies—a long, loud cry and only throaty gasps in. I can speak, but it’s exhausting to listen. It’s even exhausting to listen to music. I want silence. I know I need to relax, but it seems like it takes more energy to relax than to tense up. I know I’m hungry but it’s so hard to eat. This morning while I sat in my car, I had to force-feed myself my lunch. It was a pathetic display. I had no fork so I ate my rice and beans pinching the food between four fingers and dropping it into my mouth. I probably looked like one of those starving children from India that you see on TV, ferociously consuming the first taste of rice they’ve had in weeks.
Bless those children, Lord. Forgive me for my weakness…
Before I attempted to walk into work today, I cried, “God, I can’t do this!” He said, “If you will take the first step, I will give you strength for the next step and the next step and the next.” I said, “Lord, I’ll crawl if I have to. No matter what it takes, even if I have to crawl, I know you’ll give me the strength.” Well, I finally walked into work. At one point I thought it would be impossible for me to get my body in to work today, but here I am. I know that if I had to do it on my own strength I wouldn’t be here now. I would have turned around and gone back to bed. But here I am.
Now that I’m here, now that I’ve made it to work (yes, an hour late, but better late than never), now that I’ve overcome another obstacle, I’m fighting against pride. Since I made it, I gave myself a mental pat on the back: “I’m stronger than I thought.” But truth of it is I’m actually weaker than I thought and God is stronger than I thought. How could I even begin to give myself the credit when I couldn’t even inhale without asking for His strength to do it?!?!? My pride is laughable......and frustrating!
Lord, if I have to crawl into work every day in order for you to be glorified, so be it! You are my Strength. Forgive me for my pride. I can’t do anything apart from you. I cannot live or breathe or eat or cry or laugh or listen or speak without you…
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Matthew 27--I'm humbled again...
Wow!!! I just read this this morning and was floored. I've read about and heard about Christ dying on the cross so many times before, but this time was different.
When Jesus was mocked on the cross and told "If you're the Son of God, come down off the cross" he didn't say a word. He didn't come down off the cross even though he could have. Instead, He let God speak for him, and when God spoke, He did it in awesome ways, like tearing the veil in two, causing an earthquake, rolling the boulder away from the entrance of the tomb, and raising Jesus from death! The story would have been much less glorifying to God if Jesus would have said, "Fine! I'll show you! I'll come off the cross right now! Ta-daaaa!"
This reality cut me this morning. I can think of way too many times when I've tried to "prove" God with my words and arguments and rationalizations and commentary on His word. I wonder how much more God could have been glorified if I would have just kept my mouth shut and let God's word speak for itself. Wow...I'm humbled....
When Jesus was mocked on the cross and told "If you're the Son of God, come down off the cross" he didn't say a word. He didn't come down off the cross even though he could have. Instead, He let God speak for him, and when God spoke, He did it in awesome ways, like tearing the veil in two, causing an earthquake, rolling the boulder away from the entrance of the tomb, and raising Jesus from death! The story would have been much less glorifying to God if Jesus would have said, "Fine! I'll show you! I'll come off the cross right now! Ta-daaaa!"
This reality cut me this morning. I can think of way too many times when I've tried to "prove" God with my words and arguments and rationalizations and commentary on His word. I wonder how much more God could have been glorified if I would have just kept my mouth shut and let God's word speak for itself. Wow...I'm humbled....
Thursday, June 12, 2008
I'm sorry....farting makes me laugh.....
Now that I'm not lonely, empty, sad, etc. I don't have much to say. I guess we all need a little drama in life sometimes just for the entertainment of it all....sad....
I've not been totally un-emotional, though. Like, last week at work there was a cute strawberry blonde little girl about 3 or 4 years old who was running around the store with her brother giggling and screaming and just generally enjoying the moment. The joy she expressed through that belly laugh made me cry. I remember laughing like that. I haven't laughed enough as an adult. Sure, I have belly laughs, but it's usually either at someone's expense or because someone has told an incredibly funny adult joke about something "adult"like politics or something dumb like that. It's mostly for appearances. I don't want to laugh at something so "immature" as farting. I don't know about you, but I still find anything to do with farting hilarious! Even if someone just says, "fart" at the right moment, you'll find me red-faced and hunched over, trying not to pee my pants. Or sometimes, just like that little girl, I laugh just because I'm happy.
I'm so jealous of kids, 'cuz they get to run through stores laughing their heads off for no other reason than that they're happy. No one finds that unusual. Imagine if you or I did that in Target...within seconds, you'd have the police, men in white coats, and an exorcist simultaneously making you walk a straight line with your arms strapped to your body while being knocked in the forehead, "HEAL!!!!"....................Heal??? Is being joyful some sort of disease now among adults? It sure seems like it sometimes. Like, I work with this older woman that always "tsks" us younger girls when we're just being loud and stupid; when we belch or fart and then laugh about it. "It's so uncouth!" she'll say. Yeah, it is uncouth, but sometimes it's just plain funny! Maybe it's not even funny, but life before that moment was just way too serious! I understand that all of life can't just be fun and games, just like school wasn't always recess and lollipops when we were kids. But kids really have it right when they find joy in the times in between all the spankings and time-outs.
The next time I have to do something I dread, like going to the grocery store, I'm going to be a child again. Maybe I won't run around the store screaming, but I'm at least going to push the cart in front of me as fast as I can and then hop on to see how far I can coast before running into something. I'm just going to try to enjoy the "recess" God gives me.
Seriousness is built in to life and joy is something we have to work at. Isn't that totally backwards????....................
I've not been totally un-emotional, though. Like, last week at work there was a cute strawberry blonde little girl about 3 or 4 years old who was running around the store with her brother giggling and screaming and just generally enjoying the moment. The joy she expressed through that belly laugh made me cry. I remember laughing like that. I haven't laughed enough as an adult. Sure, I have belly laughs, but it's usually either at someone's expense or because someone has told an incredibly funny adult joke about something "adult"like politics or something dumb like that. It's mostly for appearances. I don't want to laugh at something so "immature" as farting. I don't know about you, but I still find anything to do with farting hilarious! Even if someone just says, "fart" at the right moment, you'll find me red-faced and hunched over, trying not to pee my pants. Or sometimes, just like that little girl, I laugh just because I'm happy.
I'm so jealous of kids, 'cuz they get to run through stores laughing their heads off for no other reason than that they're happy. No one finds that unusual. Imagine if you or I did that in Target...within seconds, you'd have the police, men in white coats, and an exorcist simultaneously making you walk a straight line with your arms strapped to your body while being knocked in the forehead, "HEAL!!!!"....................Heal??? Is being joyful some sort of disease now among adults? It sure seems like it sometimes. Like, I work with this older woman that always "tsks" us younger girls when we're just being loud and stupid; when we belch or fart and then laugh about it. "It's so uncouth!" she'll say. Yeah, it is uncouth, but sometimes it's just plain funny! Maybe it's not even funny, but life before that moment was just way too serious! I understand that all of life can't just be fun and games, just like school wasn't always recess and lollipops when we were kids. But kids really have it right when they find joy in the times in between all the spankings and time-outs.
The next time I have to do something I dread, like going to the grocery store, I'm going to be a child again. Maybe I won't run around the store screaming, but I'm at least going to push the cart in front of me as fast as I can and then hop on to see how far I can coast before running into something. I'm just going to try to enjoy the "recess" God gives me.
Seriousness is built in to life and joy is something we have to work at. Isn't that totally backwards????....................
Monday, June 9, 2008
A.D.D.
I’m so ADD right now. I have a night off of work and I can’t seem to do anything but work. I probably
should be relaxing (which, I guess since I’m writing now, I’m kind of relaxing. Wait, I take that back. I feel like playing my guitar right now…), but I just can’t seem to sit still. Man, I hope I don’t start not sleeping…that would be bad. Of course, I don’t see that happening. When I come home from a 14 hour work day, I don’t gently fall asleep like a baby being rocked lovingly by a mother. Instead, I make a loud flop on the couch and pass out, only to wake up half on the couch, one leg laid heavily over my poor dog and my face floating in a pool of drool! No telling what snorts, gurgles, and other bodily functions are emitted when I’m sleeping. I’m sure I make sleeping ugly.
So, what am I doing now? I’m making a pot of coffee. Makes sense since I’m sooooo worried about not getting enough sleep, right? No, not really. I just want to taste something yummy. I
want to indulge a little. Life right now is so boring. I work or sleep, that’s it. I don’t have much to think about anymore. I don’t have a bunch of worries jumbled around in my head. Instead, it’s a bunch of nothingness…thoughts like, “I’m so bored right now…look! a chicken!” I hope as time goes by, I’ll learn how to redirect all the empty space in my head. Haha! But, not so “haha” is that if I don’t have something to think about soon, I’ll get in trouble. Like, today I almost bought some beer…just because I’m bored. Not good. The good thing is that I didn’t buy the alcohol and it wasn’t really hard for me to pass up…this time. I’m wary, but not worried that I’ll fall back into that.
I really do feel like God is healing me. I’m not lonely anymore. I rather enjoy being alone now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not isolating myself. I love being with people as well. The difference now is that I don’t require it. I love the Lord so much! I don’t want this to go away! I know the devil’s trying really hard to steal that from me, but I’m finding that it doesn’t take much to defeat him. I’m not saying it’s easy, it just doesn’t require much from me except a little faith. That’s what I’m finding right now anyway. The trials right now are pretty small. I’m assuming they’ll get bigger, but I’m also hoping that my faith will be stronger. Of course, what makes faith stronger? Bigger battles. I don’t know. It’s not something that I want to worry about. I’ve found that if I just accept that God’s going to be with me through all my battles, big or small, difficult or easy, they are all bearable. Praise God! He is so good to me. I don’t deserve it…
Well, I’m off to relax….after I fold the laundry ;)
should be relaxing (which, I guess since I’m writing now, I’m kind of relaxing. Wait, I take that back. I feel like playing my guitar right now…), but I just can’t seem to sit still. Man, I hope I don’t start not sleeping…that would be bad. Of course, I don’t see that happening. When I come home from a 14 hour work day, I don’t gently fall asleep like a baby being rocked lovingly by a mother. Instead, I make a loud flop on the couch and pass out, only to wake up half on the couch, one leg laid heavily over my poor dog and my face floating in a pool of drool! No telling what snorts, gurgles, and other bodily functions are emitted when I’m sleeping. I’m sure I make sleeping ugly.So, what am I doing now? I’m making a pot of coffee. Makes sense since I’m sooooo worried about not getting enough sleep, right? No, not really. I just want to taste something yummy. I
want to indulge a little. Life right now is so boring. I work or sleep, that’s it. I don’t have much to think about anymore. I don’t have a bunch of worries jumbled around in my head. Instead, it’s a bunch of nothingness…thoughts like, “I’m so bored right now…look! a chicken!” I hope as time goes by, I’ll learn how to redirect all the empty space in my head. Haha! But, not so “haha” is that if I don’t have something to think about soon, I’ll get in trouble. Like, today I almost bought some beer…just because I’m bored. Not good. The good thing is that I didn’t buy the alcohol and it wasn’t really hard for me to pass up…this time. I’m wary, but not worried that I’ll fall back into that.I really do feel like God is healing me. I’m not lonely anymore. I rather enjoy being alone now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not isolating myself. I love being with people as well. The difference now is that I don’t require it. I love the Lord so much! I don’t want this to go away! I know the devil’s trying really hard to steal that from me, but I’m finding that it doesn’t take much to defeat him. I’m not saying it’s easy, it just doesn’t require much from me except a little faith. That’s what I’m finding right now anyway. The trials right now are pretty small. I’m assuming they’ll get bigger, but I’m also hoping that my faith will be stronger. Of course, what makes faith stronger? Bigger battles. I don’t know. It’s not something that I want to worry about. I’ve found that if I just accept that God’s going to be with me through all my battles, big or small, difficult or easy, they are all bearable. Praise God! He is so good to me. I don’t deserve it…
Well, I’m off to relax….after I fold the laundry ;)
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Single for a year
...That's right, folks! I've finally committed at least a year to being single. I'm actually making it a year from June 4th since that's when I finally felt I could make the committment. I just really feel like this is what God wants me to do. I really need this time to have only one close relationship in my life--my relationship with God. So far, I have found that I'm not comfortable with God. There's something very wrong about that. He knows everything about me, He created me, He's with me everywhere I go, yet I'm not comfortable with Him? It's almost like, up until now, He's only been a friendly stalker. Now it's starting to feel like He really is a part of me. I love this! I've even resigned to the possibility of being single for the rest of my life. I doubt that I will be, but if I am, I know I'll be perfectly happy!
That nagging question "what if "Mr. Right" comes into my life tomorrow?" occasionally enters my mind. The truth is that if he is "Mr. Right" he'll still be around when God tells me it's ok to get into a relationship. I have a feeling there will be a few guys that will come around in the next year or two (or however many!) that will seem like the perfect guy for me, but they likely will not wait until the end. As perfect as the relationship may seem to me, I am going to trust God instead. I don't think there's anything I can do that will keep the man God wants me to be with out of my life as long as I'm seeking His will first.
I've found over the last month or so, that I really cling to relationships (especially with guys) for my security. It has to stop. This is my step in that direction and it's a little frightening for me, but also very exciting. I'm expecting God to do some amazing things in my heart. This should be interesting....
That nagging question "what if "Mr. Right" comes into my life tomorrow?" occasionally enters my mind. The truth is that if he is "Mr. Right" he'll still be around when God tells me it's ok to get into a relationship. I have a feeling there will be a few guys that will come around in the next year or two (or however many!) that will seem like the perfect guy for me, but they likely will not wait until the end. As perfect as the relationship may seem to me, I am going to trust God instead. I don't think there's anything I can do that will keep the man God wants me to be with out of my life as long as I'm seeking His will first.
I've found over the last month or so, that I really cling to relationships (especially with guys) for my security. It has to stop. This is my step in that direction and it's a little frightening for me, but also very exciting. I'm expecting God to do some amazing things in my heart. This should be interesting....
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
The Pit of Pride
A Hard Lesson Begins
God has taught me some amazing things lately. I’m so on fire and so desperate for Him. I so want to do whatever He asks me to do, so I keep asking, “Now what? What’s the next step?” I’m ready to get going! I’m ready to get away from the same job, same house, same city, same schedule, and run away with this changed heart. This same thing happens every time I am set free from something. Remember how I wrote that thing about being a small fish? Well, today I feel like a big fish in a small pond. I can’t move. I can’t hardly turn around. But I think while God is pleased at my willingness to “go into all the world,” He may just want me to settle down for a while and continue learning from Him. I believe He wants me to continue to be willing to go when He tells me to go, but right now He’s telling me to stay and be content. I’ve gone through this type of experience before, and I think if I’m not careful, I could fall again into the pit of pride. So maybe I’m not ready to move. Maybe I should become content where I am.
This issue of pride keeps coming back over and over again. It sucks, but it’s a good thing. Admitting pride is a very difficult thing for most people, I think, but I think it’s something that EVERYONE is guilty of, and I think it goes hand-in-hand with idolatry. When we value something more than we value God (i.e. education, money, success, “good deeds,” etc.), that is idolatry. When we lean on those things to lift ourselves up instead of leaning on God to build Him up, that is pride. When I started to realize how prideful and idolatrous am, I finally started to realize what it means to fear God. I have been humbled by God over and over and over again in the last year, and to be perfectly honest, I would rather humble myself before God than to be humbled by Him. I know I won’t be perfect at humility, but right now I’m so afraid of messing up again. Every day I have to remember that God is God of the universe! I think that’s why camping and hiking and stuff is so refreshing; being out in God’s creation humbles you. It reminds you of the wonder of a Creator! It’s so easy to be prideful when we’re surrounded by the things man has built because we have the potential to build them ourselves. But no one can build a tree, or a forest, or an ocean, or stars, or wind, or rain. Oh, my God! He is so awesome! (I’m a little verklempt right now. Talk amongst yourselves.)
Father God, I come before you humbled. You are God above all. I love you! Thank you for loving me! I can’t do life on my own. It’s all about you. Father, my heart is broken and only you can mend me and recreate my life from this mess that I’ve made and make it whole again. I thank you that you are my God and you love me!
For the record, here is how pride, especially concerning my finances and my relationships, has affected my life:
Finances: I wanted to appear successful and driven and independent, so I bought a house, which I couldn’t comfortably afford. God blessed me with a raise and tons of overtime at work for months on end. This, I believe, was Him displaying His mercy on me for making a bad decision. Additionally, my car was totaled out at $4000, so I put $2000 down on another car and got a loan for the rest, leaving me with an “extra” $2000. Even though I had enough money to pay cash for everything, I charged my purchases while I let the other $2000 sit in an unsecured savings account. Then I spent that money too. Instead of paying off debt, I spent all my money on clothes, shoes, alcohol, and other such things that I can’t account for. Now the clothes that I bought don’t fit because I lost 30 pounds from having to live on a $30.00/ week food budget. For lunch and dinner every day I have to eat rice and beans or stir-fry. I have gone days without eating anything of substance. My weekly budget for gas is $25.00/week no matter how high gas prices get. This means I can’t go home to visit my family as much anymore because I can’t afford the gas even though it’s only a two hour drive. I even missed the birth of my best friend’s first child. I now work 52-62 hours a week at two jobs in order to climb out of this hole. I don’t say these things to gain pity, but only to remind myself of the mess that pride has made. But praise God! He has humbled me and has been so merciful to give me the strength I need to recover!
Relationships: Two months before I got into a relationship with JR, I had broken off an EXTREMELY unhealthy relationship. I turned to God and repented of what I had done. I was living in extreme joy, peace, and contentment. I walked so closely with God at that time, that I didn’t think anything could touch me. As for relationships, God distinctly told me to wait at least a year before getting into another relationship. I turned down guys that did and did not “measure up” and so I thought I was doing pretty well. When JR came along two months later, he was everything I ever wanted in a guy. He met my top five requirements for the next guy I would be with, and more! Immediately, Satan told me that lie that I talked about a while back, “Did God REALLY say you had to wait a year? This guy is really great. He’s a Christian, you guys are great friends besides, and he knows all about your past and still wants to be with you. You’ll never find that in anyone else. If you don’t take your chance with him now, you may never get another chance. A whole year? There’s no reason for that!!” And then my pride stepped in, “I’ve been walking so closely with God that nothing, not even a relationship, can get in the way of that!” I chose to deliberately disobey God. In one decision, I exchanged truth for a lie. I exchanged security for insecurity. I exchanged peace for anxiety. The relationship was good, don’t get me wrong, but I should have waited. I now know that the insecurity and the anxiety I had in the relationship didn’t have anything to do with JR; they came because I disobeyed God and I knew it. My spirit was not at rest.
I’ve been humbled once again. I have lost my best friend and potential life partner and his trust. Not only am I walking away wounded, but worse, I wounded someone I love. I am now, once again, trying to recover my security and peace. Praise God! He has been faithful to restore rest and peace, and each day I fall more and more in love with him. I am less interested in “ending up” with someone some day, and I fervently seek for God be the fulfillment of all my heart’s deepest desires.
Final Thoughts
Every time I forge ahead with pride, two things will happen: First, I WILL always be humbled, whether I humble myself before my Creator, or He humbles me (I’d rather humble myself). Secondly, when I am humbled, He will always lovingly pick me up, dust me off, and lead me down the path He has set for me. God wants the glory and He deserves it, I do not.
Father God, I thank that you love me unconditionally and that you never give up on me. I praise you, Lord, because you are good and merciful and faithful. You are God above all, my Creator, and my only hope of living a fulfilling life!
God has taught me some amazing things lately. I’m so on fire and so desperate for Him. I so want to do whatever He asks me to do, so I keep asking, “Now what? What’s the next step?” I’m ready to get going! I’m ready to get away from the same job, same house, same city, same schedule, and run away with this changed heart. This same thing happens every time I am set free from something. Remember how I wrote that thing about being a small fish? Well, today I feel like a big fish in a small pond. I can’t move. I can’t hardly turn around. But I think while God is pleased at my willingness to “go into all the world,” He may just want me to settle down for a while and continue learning from Him. I believe He wants me to continue to be willing to go when He tells me to go, but right now He’s telling me to stay and be content. I’ve gone through this type of experience before, and I think if I’m not careful, I could fall again into the pit of pride. So maybe I’m not ready to move. Maybe I should become content where I am.
This issue of pride keeps coming back over and over again. It sucks, but it’s a good thing. Admitting pride is a very difficult thing for most people, I think, but I think it’s something that EVERYONE is guilty of, and I think it goes hand-in-hand with idolatry. When we value something more than we value God (i.e. education, money, success, “good deeds,” etc.), that is idolatry. When we lean on those things to lift ourselves up instead of leaning on God to build Him up, that is pride. When I started to realize how prideful and idolatrous am, I finally started to realize what it means to fear God. I have been humbled by God over and over and over again in the last year, and to be perfectly honest, I would rather humble myself before God than to be humbled by Him. I know I won’t be perfect at humility, but right now I’m so afraid of messing up again. Every day I have to remember that God is God of the universe! I think that’s why camping and hiking and stuff is so refreshing; being out in God’s creation humbles you. It reminds you of the wonder of a Creator! It’s so easy to be prideful when we’re surrounded by the things man has built because we have the potential to build them ourselves. But no one can build a tree, or a forest, or an ocean, or stars, or wind, or rain. Oh, my God! He is so awesome! (I’m a little verklempt right now. Talk amongst yourselves.)
Father God, I come before you humbled. You are God above all. I love you! Thank you for loving me! I can’t do life on my own. It’s all about you. Father, my heart is broken and only you can mend me and recreate my life from this mess that I’ve made and make it whole again. I thank you that you are my God and you love me!
For the record, here is how pride, especially concerning my finances and my relationships, has affected my life:
Finances: I wanted to appear successful and driven and independent, so I bought a house, which I couldn’t comfortably afford. God blessed me with a raise and tons of overtime at work for months on end. This, I believe, was Him displaying His mercy on me for making a bad decision. Additionally, my car was totaled out at $4000, so I put $2000 down on another car and got a loan for the rest, leaving me with an “extra” $2000. Even though I had enough money to pay cash for everything, I charged my purchases while I let the other $2000 sit in an unsecured savings account. Then I spent that money too. Instead of paying off debt, I spent all my money on clothes, shoes, alcohol, and other such things that I can’t account for. Now the clothes that I bought don’t fit because I lost 30 pounds from having to live on a $30.00/ week food budget. For lunch and dinner every day I have to eat rice and beans or stir-fry. I have gone days without eating anything of substance. My weekly budget for gas is $25.00/week no matter how high gas prices get. This means I can’t go home to visit my family as much anymore because I can’t afford the gas even though it’s only a two hour drive. I even missed the birth of my best friend’s first child. I now work 52-62 hours a week at two jobs in order to climb out of this hole. I don’t say these things to gain pity, but only to remind myself of the mess that pride has made. But praise God! He has humbled me and has been so merciful to give me the strength I need to recover!
Relationships: Two months before I got into a relationship with JR, I had broken off an EXTREMELY unhealthy relationship. I turned to God and repented of what I had done. I was living in extreme joy, peace, and contentment. I walked so closely with God at that time, that I didn’t think anything could touch me. As for relationships, God distinctly told me to wait at least a year before getting into another relationship. I turned down guys that did and did not “measure up” and so I thought I was doing pretty well. When JR came along two months later, he was everything I ever wanted in a guy. He met my top five requirements for the next guy I would be with, and more! Immediately, Satan told me that lie that I talked about a while back, “Did God REALLY say you had to wait a year? This guy is really great. He’s a Christian, you guys are great friends besides, and he knows all about your past and still wants to be with you. You’ll never find that in anyone else. If you don’t take your chance with him now, you may never get another chance. A whole year? There’s no reason for that!!” And then my pride stepped in, “I’ve been walking so closely with God that nothing, not even a relationship, can get in the way of that!” I chose to deliberately disobey God. In one decision, I exchanged truth for a lie. I exchanged security for insecurity. I exchanged peace for anxiety. The relationship was good, don’t get me wrong, but I should have waited. I now know that the insecurity and the anxiety I had in the relationship didn’t have anything to do with JR; they came because I disobeyed God and I knew it. My spirit was not at rest.
I’ve been humbled once again. I have lost my best friend and potential life partner and his trust. Not only am I walking away wounded, but worse, I wounded someone I love. I am now, once again, trying to recover my security and peace. Praise God! He has been faithful to restore rest and peace, and each day I fall more and more in love with him. I am less interested in “ending up” with someone some day, and I fervently seek for God be the fulfillment of all my heart’s deepest desires.
Final Thoughts
Every time I forge ahead with pride, two things will happen: First, I WILL always be humbled, whether I humble myself before my Creator, or He humbles me (I’d rather humble myself). Secondly, when I am humbled, He will always lovingly pick me up, dust me off, and lead me down the path He has set for me. God wants the glory and He deserves it, I do not.
Father God, I thank that you love me unconditionally and that you never give up on me. I praise you, Lord, because you are good and merciful and faithful. You are God above all, my Creator, and my only hope of living a fulfilling life!
Monday, June 2, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Union Retreat
Having just gotten back from the Union retreat, I can't let this day go by without saying something about it. There's so much to say, but I'm exhausted and sick and need to go to bed. But I have to get some stuff down before I let the weekend end undocumented.
First, I have to say that God is freaking awesome! In some ways, this weekend was completely miserable. I cried a lot. I had tons of anxiety for a very long time. I struggled with loneliness, sleeplessness, and sickness. Nevertheless, I CAN'T look back on it and regret it or wish that it would have happened any differently. Through the struggles, God planted some seeds for new things He is dealing with me on. Namely, issues of fear, being alone with Him, accepting who He has created me to be, and knowing above all that He is always there even when it seems like he's not showing himself present.
Every moment of this weekend was perfect. It all had a place and was placed perfectly. I'm just going to enjoy the unspeakable joy that was the product of this weekend for now. But here are some token verses and thoughts from my experience this weekend.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, YOU ARE WITH ME." Psalm 23:4
"For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother's womb. i will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret and intricately and curiously wrought in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days of my life were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:13-16
"When it all comes down, we either choose to believe or disbelieve God. He promised us He is always with us. Once we choose to accept His presence as a fact, we can be free to go on to enjoyment." Beth Moore--"Breaking Free"
First, I have to say that God is freaking awesome! In some ways, this weekend was completely miserable. I cried a lot. I had tons of anxiety for a very long time. I struggled with loneliness, sleeplessness, and sickness. Nevertheless, I CAN'T look back on it and regret it or wish that it would have happened any differently. Through the struggles, God planted some seeds for new things He is dealing with me on. Namely, issues of fear, being alone with Him, accepting who He has created me to be, and knowing above all that He is always there even when it seems like he's not showing himself present.
Every moment of this weekend was perfect. It all had a place and was placed perfectly. I'm just going to enjoy the unspeakable joy that was the product of this weekend for now. But here are some token verses and thoughts from my experience this weekend.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, YOU ARE WITH ME." Psalm 23:4
"For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother's womb. i will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret and intricately and curiously wrought in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days of my life were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:13-16
"When it all comes down, we either choose to believe or disbelieve God. He promised us He is always with us. Once we choose to accept His presence as a fact, we can be free to go on to enjoyment." Beth Moore--"Breaking Free"
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