God, I will crawl!

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [b]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [c]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
10So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [[d]in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful [e]in divine strength).”

I was an hour late for work today. Actually, I was in the parking lot at work for the first hour.

I can’t explain what happened. It seems like I can only release but I can’t embrace. When I laughed this morning I was exhausted. I let the breath out but had hardly enough energy to let it back in. When I cried this morning it was that same cry I’ve heard from exhausted babies—a long, loud cry and only throaty gasps in. I can speak, but it’s exhausting to listen. It’s even exhausting to listen to music. I want silence. I know I need to relax, but it seems like it takes more energy to relax than to tense up. I know I’m hungry but it’s so hard to eat. This morning while I sat in my car, I had to force-feed myself my lunch. It was a pathetic display. I had no fork so I ate my rice and beans pinching the food between four fingers and dropping it into my mouth. I probably looked like one of those starving children from India that you see on TV, ferociously consuming the first taste of rice they’ve had in weeks.

Bless those children, Lord. Forgive me for my weakness…

Before I attempted to walk into work today, I cried, “God, I can’t do this!” He said, “If you will take the first step, I will give you strength for the next step and the next step and the next.” I said, “Lord, I’ll crawl if I have to. No matter what it takes, even if I have to crawl, I know you’ll give me the strength.” Well, I finally walked into work. At one point I thought it would be impossible for me to get my body in to work today, but here I am. I know that if I had to do it on my own strength I wouldn’t be here now. I would have turned around and gone back to bed. But here I am.

Now that I’m here, now that I’ve made it to work (yes, an hour late, but better late than never), now that I’ve overcome another obstacle, I’m fighting against pride. Since I made it, I gave myself a mental pat on the back: “I’m stronger than I thought.” But truth of it is I’m actually weaker than I thought and God is stronger than I thought. How could I even begin to give myself the credit when I couldn’t even inhale without asking for His strength to do it?!?!? My pride is laughable......and frustrating!

Lord, if I have to crawl into work every day in order for you to be glorified, so be it! You are my Strength. Forgive me for my pride. I can’t do anything apart from you. I cannot live or breathe or eat or cry or laugh or listen or speak without you…