A couple months ago I declared that I knew the passion of my life--to be a wife and a mother. I've changed my mind. At this point in my life I have absolutely no desire to be a mother, especially since my boss came to work on Thursday late, unshowered, and getting by on 2 hours of sleep because she had been up all night attending to her two puking daughters and the carpet they puked on. No thanks!
I really like where I am right now. I'm single and have no kids of my own. Now that I have my group of girls for Lifeline, I have kids of my own in a sense, but these go home and I don't have to clean up their puke :) And being single is great for me right now, because my time and energy aren't tied up in just one person. I have time and energy for tons of people! It's tempting for me to say that I always want to be like this, but someday I might change my mind again.
Really, if I'm being totally honest, the only reason I ever wanted to be a wife and mother is so that I would have an extra paycheck to live off of and so I could eventually "work from home." Yes, I know that's completely horrible, but there's no way I'm the only one who has ever thought such a thing. The good thing is that I've at least realized that my reasons were shallow. I have enough to be responsible for right now...I'm not ready to add a husband and kids to the mix. I fully realize that I will likely change my mind (again!) down the road. But to wish to always be single and have no kids means that I'm loving where I'm at right now! Yay! Finally!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I hate winter!
I've been in denial for as long as I could possibly be, but here's the sad truth: summer is over and the evil winter is upon us.
I began to think of the possibility of winter being around the corner when I turned on my heat earlier this week. As soon as I came to my senses, I turned it right off while exclaiming, "Now, who the heck turned the heat on?! It's summer!"
My second clue was when I put a sweatshirt and close-toed shoes on to go to the dog park. While there, I had my hands stuffed deep into my pockets to keep them warm. But all the while, I reminded myself that I had a SHORT-SLEEVED T-shirt underneath...only a layer and a half...that's like what you would wear for a stroll along the beach at sunset...(Reality: Or when winter is right around the corner. Denial: SHUT UP!)
Despite my efforts to deny the end of summer as much as possible, I was defeated when I looked at the dark sky, then at the clock, which told me it was only 8:15. Ugh! Up here it doesn't look like this until almost 10:00! And what is worse? We will lose an hour of night light in the next month or so.
I guess it's inevitable; winter indeed is coming. I'm going to stock up on good books and video games. In another month and a half I'll be sealing the windows and breathing recycled air for six months straight. I hate winter...apparently Willa Cather did too. Enjoy.
"The pale, cold light of the winter sunset did not beautify--it was like the light of truth itself. When the smoky clouds hung low in the west and the red sun went down behind them, leaving a pink flush on the snowy roofs and the blue drifts, then the wind sprang up afresh, with a kind of bitter song, as if it said: 'This is reality, whether you like it or not. All those frivolities of summer, the light and shadow, the living mask of green that trembled over everything, they were lies, and this is what was underneath. This is the truth.' It was as if we were being punished for loving the loveliness of summer." from My Antonia by Willa Cather.
I began to think of the possibility of winter being around the corner when I turned on my heat earlier this week. As soon as I came to my senses, I turned it right off while exclaiming, "Now, who the heck turned the heat on?! It's summer!"
My second clue was when I put a sweatshirt and close-toed shoes on to go to the dog park. While there, I had my hands stuffed deep into my pockets to keep them warm. But all the while, I reminded myself that I had a SHORT-SLEEVED T-shirt underneath...only a layer and a half...that's like what you would wear for a stroll along the beach at sunset...(Reality: Or when winter is right around the corner. Denial: SHUT UP!)
Despite my efforts to deny the end of summer as much as possible, I was defeated when I looked at the dark sky, then at the clock, which told me it was only 8:15. Ugh! Up here it doesn't look like this until almost 10:00! And what is worse? We will lose an hour of night light in the next month or so.
I guess it's inevitable; winter indeed is coming. I'm going to stock up on good books and video games. In another month and a half I'll be sealing the windows and breathing recycled air for six months straight. I hate winter...apparently Willa Cather did too. Enjoy.
"The pale, cold light of the winter sunset did not beautify--it was like the light of truth itself. When the smoky clouds hung low in the west and the red sun went down behind them, leaving a pink flush on the snowy roofs and the blue drifts, then the wind sprang up afresh, with a kind of bitter song, as if it said: 'This is reality, whether you like it or not. All those frivolities of summer, the light and shadow, the living mask of green that trembled over everything, they were lies, and this is what was underneath. This is the truth.' It was as if we were being punished for loving the loveliness of summer." from My Antonia by Willa Cather.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Single for Life?
I'm really beginning to believe that I will never ever ever get married...(here's where I would like to finish the sentence by saying, "...and I'm totally fine with that!" But I'm not...not really...well, kind of. Anyway, end parentheses).
I know for a fact that I'm not ready to get married yet, and it's certainly not a goal of mine, but it would be nice to have someone in my life who really REALLY gets me...someone who is not just my "other half," but who makes me more me than I have ever been.
The problem is that there are only two things I'm looking for in a guy (besides the obvio
us, like he has to be a guy, he has to breathing, he has to be single etc). Why is that a problem? Because very very few meet my two criteria. And of the few, there's only one who I'll hit it off with, so that narrows it down even more. The bright side to this is the knowledge that THERE IS ONLY ONE out there...just for me! I just wonder how he'll ever find me, or if he ever will.
For now I'm content. And if God desires for me to be single for life, then that's ok too. But if not, then no matter what--even if I have to wait until I'm 80 before he comes along--I'm going to wait for him.
I know for a fact that I'm not ready to get married yet, and it's certainly not a goal of mine, but it would be nice to have someone in my life who really REALLY gets me...someone who is not just my "other half," but who makes me more me than I have ever been.
The problem is that there are only two things I'm looking for in a guy (besides the obvio
us, like he has to be a guy, he has to breathing, he has to be single etc). Why is that a problem? Because very very few meet my two criteria. And of the few, there's only one who I'll hit it off with, so that narrows it down even more. The bright side to this is the knowledge that THERE IS ONLY ONE out there...just for me! I just wonder how he'll ever find me, or if he ever will.For now I'm content. And if God desires for me to be single for life, then that's ok too. But if not, then no matter what--even if I have to wait until I'm 80 before he comes along--I'm going to wait for him.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Change
Last night I watched Pursuit of Happyness. There are different "chapters" if you will that the narrator breaks his life up into. Taking the same idea, I'm going to entitle this chapter of my life "Change."
Has it been exciting? Yes. Has it been interesting? Yes. Has it caused me extreme anxiety and discomfort? Oh, yeah!
Last Sunday was my first day as a Lifeline leader (Senior High) at my church. Taking the step to volunteer was an event all its own. I don't know if anyone else felt that way or if it was just me. All I know is that if taking that step was so difficult, then I must have living an extremely self-centered life. Oh, my gosh! You mean to tell me that I have to give up 3 of my relaxation hours on a Sunday night? And maybe some weeknights? And I have to start thinking about someone other than myself?? The horror!!!
As it turned out, that first night, while somewhat distressing, was quite enjoyable. I met a lot of people and had fun dancing and singing with everyone during the worship time. For a moment, I even felt that "carefreeness" reminiscent of my time in high school youth group. What was even better this time around was that I wasn't as self-concious!
When Monday rolled around, I didn't wake up the confident, happy, excited, victorious girl that fell asleep on Sunday night. Monday was the introduction of my new boss. It's not as if anything work-wise would change having a new boss. The only thing that really changes with having a new boss is that there's someone else in the room, and also my work doesn't come first. The worst part? Work isn't as laid back anymore. Last week we all strapped ourselves to our headphones and didn't speak much at all. It's a new dynamic and I think we're all just trying to hold on to something familiar--like our music.
Then there's the ongoing change--the change that has been taking place for months now--trying to become comfortable in my own skin. You'd think of all the things I have that would give me comfort, the one thing that would never fail is the fact that I am still me. The funny thing is, I'm NOT still me, and while that's an incredibly wonderful thing in some ways, it's also really frightening. I'm changing along with my life. Right now I seem to be in a portal between the old me and the new me. I no longer depend on people, but I still don't trust God completely. Not depending on people is freeing, but not trusting God is enslaving. The "in between" is a struggle. You'd think it would be easy to trust the all-powerful Creator of the universe and my own life with my life, but for some reason it's not that easy. I've reasoned it out this way: you tend to trust those who you know the best. I only trust God with some stuff, so I must not know him that well. So I've been spending extra time reading the Gospels, studying the Bible and praying trying to get to know him better. Maybe a relationship with God really is like a courtship and a marriage. Maybe you do have to go through things together to see how the other person holds up in different circumstances in order to get to know them better. Maybe it just takes time. This is just another thing that I will have to push through no matter how difficult or painful in order to have the better thing.
Has it been exciting? Yes. Has it been interesting? Yes. Has it caused me extreme anxiety and discomfort? Oh, yeah!
Last Sunday was my first day as a Lifeline leader (Senior High) at my church. Taking the step to volunteer was an event all its own. I don't know if anyone else felt that way or if it was just me. All I know is that if taking that step was so difficult, then I must have living an extremely self-centered life. Oh, my gosh! You mean to tell me that I have to give up 3 of my relaxation hours on a Sunday night? And maybe some weeknights? And I have to start thinking about someone other than myself?? The horror!!!
As it turned out, that first night, while somewhat distressing, was quite enjoyable. I met a lot of people and had fun dancing and singing with everyone during the worship time. For a moment, I even felt that "carefreeness" reminiscent of my time in high school youth group. What was even better this time around was that I wasn't as self-concious!
When Monday rolled around, I didn't wake up the confident, happy, excited, victorious girl that fell asleep on Sunday night. Monday was the introduction of my new boss. It's not as if anything work-wise would change having a new boss. The only thing that really changes with having a new boss is that there's someone else in the room, and also my work doesn't come first. The worst part? Work isn't as laid back anymore. Last week we all strapped ourselves to our headphones and didn't speak much at all. It's a new dynamic and I think we're all just trying to hold on to something familiar--like our music.
Then there's the ongoing change--the change that has been taking place for months now--trying to become comfortable in my own skin. You'd think of all the things I have that would give me comfort, the one thing that would never fail is the fact that I am still me. The funny thing is, I'm NOT still me, and while that's an incredibly wonderful thing in some ways, it's also really frightening. I'm changing along with my life. Right now I seem to be in a portal between the old me and the new me. I no longer depend on people, but I still don't trust God completely. Not depending on people is freeing, but not trusting God is enslaving. The "in between" is a struggle. You'd think it would be easy to trust the all-powerful Creator of the universe and my own life with my life, but for some reason it's not that easy. I've reasoned it out this way: you tend to trust those who you know the best. I only trust God with some stuff, so I must not know him that well. So I've been spending extra time reading the Gospels, studying the Bible and praying trying to get to know him better. Maybe a relationship with God really is like a courtship and a marriage. Maybe you do have to go through things together to see how the other person holds up in different circumstances in order to get to know them better. Maybe it just takes time. This is just another thing that I will have to push through no matter how difficult or painful in order to have the better thing.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Lift Up Your Eyes - Rick Hopkins
This is a video for a song that got me through a really rough time in life. Enjoy! I hope you are blessed!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Can't I just be all of it?
This is me: 
This is what I'm about:
I don't have a problem with the way I look, but if I was more daring, I'd get my hair cut like this:
....only the red streaks would be purple streaks...
I look like a God-fearing conservative hometown girl bound by practicality...and for the most part that's who I am, but somewhere inside there's a God-fearing emo chick with a lust for adventure and speed that is approaching the surface...stay tuned!
This is what I drive:
This is what I'm about:
I don't have a problem with the way I look, but if I was more daring, I'd get my hair cut like this:
....only the red streaks would be purple streaks......And I'd have one of these:
And this is what I would ride:
I look like a God-fearing conservative hometown girl bound by practicality...and for the most part that's who I am, but somewhere inside there's a God-fearing emo chick with a lust for adventure and speed that is approaching the surface...stay tuned!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
What is Labor Day for anyway?
Strangers who never knocked on my door before are now knocking. They're asking me silly and personal questions like, "Are you fed up with the current administration?" and "If you had to vote today, who would you vote for?" I tell them I'll vote for whoever helps me fix up my house so I can sell it. If they can't help me, they don't get my vote. Sorry.
Anyway, Labor Day weekend was unbelieveable! There was a summer a few years back where I was home from college and I wasn't working. I spent my days reading by the pool, developing a fantastic tan, and spending late nights out with my friends. I remember at the time thinking that I better enjoy it because it was probably going to be the last summer I would have like that. Sad to say, it was. But this weekend, though much shorter than that summer, was wonderfully similar except I cherished it even more. A couple days before I went home, God helped me to realize that I have forgotten how to enjoy the quiet and peaceful moments of my life. I used to enjoy life more than I complained about it and over the years, the exact opposite has happened. Anyway, I'm glad He showed me this before the weekend because I was finally able to cherish the wonderful moments.
Friday night I sat at the bar with my ice water and a few friends. I felt the cool breeze on my face and I noticed the vagueness that night lights reveal. On Saturday night, I watched the sun set from the backseat of Christina's PT Cruiser as Sean, Christina, and I rushed to Old Navy in Merriville before it closed. And afterward we met up with some friends at a local bar. I was able to take myself out west as my friend, Alan, told me about a 3 week trip he took on his motorcycle to see the Grand Tetons, Old Faithful, and the mountains of Utah. On Sunday night I laid out by the pool and looked at the stars. In preparation for a long conversation, I took a deep breath and said, "Ok, God," and before I could say another word, a star shot across the sky!
I didn't make it to the Dunes like I had planned and I didn't swim at night with the pool light on and I didn't get to go on a walk and talk about God with my friend, Tim. But I didn't need those things in order to make the weekend any better. I got to relax. I got to enjoy every moment. I got to feel what it's like to be real again. I couldn't have asked for more.
Anyway, Labor Day weekend was unbelieveable! There was a summer a few years back where I was home from college and I wasn't working. I spent my days reading by the pool, developing a fantastic tan, and spending late nights out with my friends. I remember at the time thinking that I better enjoy it because it was probably going to be the last summer I would have like that. Sad to say, it was. But this weekend, though much shorter than that summer, was wonderfully similar except I cherished it even more. A couple days before I went home, God helped me to realize that I have forgotten how to enjoy the quiet and peaceful moments of my life. I used to enjoy life more than I complained about it and over the years, the exact opposite has happened. Anyway, I'm glad He showed me this before the weekend because I was finally able to cherish the wonderful moments.
Friday night I sat at the bar with my ice water and a few friends. I felt the cool breeze on my face and I noticed the vagueness that night lights reveal. On Saturday night, I watched the sun set from the backseat of Christina's PT Cruiser as Sean, Christina, and I rushed to Old Navy in Merriville before it closed. And afterward we met up with some friends at a local bar. I was able to take myself out west as my friend, Alan, told me about a 3 week trip he took on his motorcycle to see the Grand Tetons, Old Faithful, and the mountains of Utah. On Sunday night I laid out by the pool and looked at the stars. In preparation for a long conversation, I took a deep breath and said, "Ok, God," and before I could say another word, a star shot across the sky!
I didn't make it to the Dunes like I had planned and I didn't swim at night with the pool light on and I didn't get to go on a walk and talk about God with my friend, Tim. But I didn't need those things in order to make the weekend any better. I got to relax. I got to enjoy every moment. I got to feel what it's like to be real again. I couldn't have asked for more.
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