Change

Last night I watched Pursuit of Happyness. There are different "chapters" if you will that the narrator breaks his life up into. Taking the same idea, I'm going to entitle this chapter of my life "Change."

Has it been exciting? Yes. Has it been interesting? Yes. Has it caused me extreme anxiety and discomfort? Oh, yeah!

Last Sunday was my first day as a Lifeline leader (Senior High) at my church. Taking the step to volunteer was an event all its own. I don't know if anyone else felt that way or if it was just me. All I know is that if taking that step was so difficult, then I must have living an extremely self-centered life. Oh, my gosh! You mean to tell me that I have to give up 3 of my relaxation hours on a Sunday night? And maybe some weeknights? And I have to start thinking about someone other than myself?? The horror!!!

As it turned out, that first night, while somewhat distressing, was quite enjoyable. I met a lot of people and had fun dancing and singing with everyone during the worship time. For a moment, I even felt that "carefreeness" reminiscent of my time in high school youth group. What was even better this time around was that I wasn't as self-concious!

When Monday rolled around, I didn't wake up the confident, happy, excited, victorious girl that fell asleep on Sunday night. Monday was the introduction of my new boss. It's not as if anything work-wise would change having a new boss. The only thing that really changes with having a new boss is that there's someone else in the room, and also my work doesn't come first. The worst part? Work isn't as laid back anymore. Last week we all strapped ourselves to our headphones and didn't speak much at all. It's a new dynamic and I think we're all just trying to hold on to something familiar--like our music.

Then there's the ongoing change--the change that has been taking place for months now--trying to become comfortable in my own skin. You'd think of all the things I have that would give me comfort, the one thing that would never fail is the fact that I am still me. The funny thing is, I'm NOT still me, and while that's an incredibly wonderful thing in some ways, it's also really frightening. I'm changing along with my life. Right now I seem to be in a portal between the old me and the new me. I no longer depend on people, but I still don't trust God completely. Not depending on people is freeing, but not trusting God is enslaving. The "in between" is a struggle. You'd think it would be easy to trust the all-powerful Creator of the universe and my own life with my life, but for some reason it's not that easy. I've reasoned it out this way: you tend to trust those who you know the best. I only trust God with some stuff, so I must not know him that well. So I've been spending extra time reading the Gospels, studying the Bible and praying trying to get to know him better. Maybe a relationship with God really is like a courtship and a marriage. Maybe you do have to go through things together to see how the other person holds up in different circumstances in order to get to know them better. Maybe it just takes time. This is just another thing that I will have to push through no matter how difficult or painful in order to have the better thing.