I'm going back to high school!

I’ve have some interesting news…I’m going back to high school! How many times have I thought to myself, “If only I knew then what I know now” and wished that I could go back? Now is my opportunity! Starting in September, I will be a “leader” for the senior high group at my church. The entire youth group consists of something like 200 kids; I will head a group of about 5. To be perfectly honest, I am strongly lacking in leadership skills. I’m confident that there is nothing I can say or do that will change anyone’s life, but I’m also confident that if I continually trust God, I won’t ever have to think of the right words. My job is simply to love.

I’m extremely excited about this opportunity! Along with my child-like excitement (I haven’t felt this kind of excitement for a very long time) comes an element of fear. When I begin to fear, I begin to reach back into my past for security where I once had it, temporary and weak as it was. And so here I go again. As my life begins to turn another corner, two things are happening at the same time: I excitedly reach with one arm outstretched toward the unknown, the mysterious, the thrilling, the adventurous. With the other arm I reach as far as I can into the past—a place where familiarity, routine, and stability lie. But I’ve reached back too many times and have found that I end up some time, whether it’s years or months, down the road dragging myself away from “security” to another turning point.

Maybe life is just a series of turning points. Maybe change is always good. Maybe discomfort with life is essential for constant growth and dependence on the One who holds all security.

I adopted a verse a few months ago that I hoped would be the pattern of my life from that point on. Philippians 3:10-14,

10[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]
11That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].
12Not that I have now attained [this ideal], or have already been made perfect, but I press on to lay hold of (grasp) and make my own, that for which Christ Jesus (the Messiah) has laid hold of me and made me His own.
13I do not consider, brethren, that I have captured and made it my own [yet]; but one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,
14I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward.

I prayed this verse. I prayed that I would “be continually transformed” and I claimed that I would “forget what lies behind and strain forward to what lies ahead.” Well, I’m definitely being transformed all the time. I hope this doesn’t stop. As for forgetting what lies behind, well, I haven’t forgotten, and I’ve caught myself tip-toeing backwards. Paul said he had to “strain” forward. To me that means it was a little difficult even for him to leave a comfort zone. It’s definitely work for me to move out of my element, but I can almost taste the freedom, joy, peace, and security of straining ahead!

God has been so faithful through each baby step I’ve taken forward. I’m learning to trust Him more and more with each step. I am positive that as frightening as this is and as difficult as it may be to keep going sometimes, He will uphold me and remind me that there is absolutely nothing to fear. Selah.

The Crappiness Will Fade

I’ve been very mellow lately to the point that people are starting to wonder what, if any, is wrong with me. To be honest, I can’t be perfectly sure that nothing or that something is wrong. Joyce Meyer says that there was a point in her life where she didn’t feel right unless she felt wrong. I may be in that same state.

It almost feels wrong that I feel calm instead of anxious, quiet instead of outspoken, passive instead of excitable, and I have love instead of bitterness, hope instead of despair, grace instead of perfection.

I just don’t have the same emotional needs I had before. I don’t desire attention, or be the best or the most. I’m simply content with where I am in life and I’ve accepted who God has made me to be—both, things I don’t believe I’ve ever known before. I’m finding the most enjoyment in little things, like having time to get bored, mowing the lawn, receiving candy from the mailman, walking my dog, talking to my neighbors, watching the waves on the lake, feeling the wind on my face….not rocking the boat…just being.

And here’s the most unlike me thing about my state of being right now: I'm confident that even if my life is destroyed or I have something to fear or to be sad or angry about, or if I’m hurt by someone or rejected or in some other way disappointed, or if I lose everything I own…I know the crappiness will end and that when it does I’ll be ok again…

Bummed

I’ve always said that you know the character of a person by what they’re like when no one’s around. I’m regretting believing this, because that means I am now having to face the darker side of myself. Generally, I’m pretty optimistic, but catch me on an off day (like today) and you’d never believe it. I know this mood will probably pass in the time it takes to write this. Right now I’m pretty bummed. It especially settled in when I drove by the gas station and saw that gas went up again. I’m not surprised really, but for a while I was living in fairy land since the prices hadn’t seemed to go up for about a week.
I understand the price of gas is goosing just about everyone, but it knocks me out. TKO. With a gas budget of $25 a week, I’m having to skip extracurricular activities and trips to the grocery store. Home, even though it’s only 2 ½ hours from here is now much, much farther away. I would love to go home to Indiana once a month, but it’s impossible…oh wait, no it’s not! All I have to do is not eat for two weeks!

Here’s the kicker…I’m trying to pay off debt, which is a great idea, but somehow after paying all of my bills I’m left with $1.93 to my name and not one penny of my last paycheck (or any of the last 20 paychecks) went to fun stuff.

I’m not doing myself or anybody else any good by complaining, though. It’s when I come to this realization that I generally decide that I’m not going to sit here and be sad. Now would be a great time to trust God! And in order to make the devil REALLY mad, I’m going to dance and sing and be silly like a kid. In case you wonder what song I like to do the aforementioned to, check it out:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=wRayKxgePQI

Who I am

It used to be that I believed all the negative things people told me about myself. For instance, in eighth grade, I was walking down the hall with a boy. It must have been during study hall or something because I don’t remember the hallway being loud and crowded—it was just me and Brandon….and a few steps behind us was Paula. While I walked with Brandon, Paula shouted at him from behind “Why are you walking with her? She’s fat! Look at the fat rolls on her back! Look at how fat her legs are!”

Then there was what I was told without words, through exclusion. One year, I applied to be in honor’s art. This was the art class for all the best artists. I didn’t make it, but all my friends did. Since then, I have attempted art maybe once. Then there were the countless times in high school when I stood alone while “the group” gathered in front of me like pigs at a trough. I was never one of those kids that people HAD to have around in order to have a good time. So, by the time I graduated from high school I was a fat, unartistic, outsider, and loser that no one would know was not around. At least this is what I thought. Forget the fact that I kept a B average without lifting a finger, I played three instruments well, and I was a loyal friend to the friends I had. None of that mattered to me. What mattered to me then is what everyone said mattered: popularity.

When I think about it now, it seems so ridiculous, so juvenile. But, is it really just the theme of a bad movie about high school? No. Not really. In college, I wanted to be the Valedictorian, the best guitarist, the party animal. I wanted to be the best and have the best of everything. Why? So I would be noticed! So I would be popular. Alas, when I graduated from college I was still the same fat, stupid, untalented, loser I was when I graduated from high school.

The hoopla didn’t even end after college. In my professional life, there was a time when I did anything to get attention. I became a workaholic, a flirt, a party girl. I bought a house to show off the fruits of my labor and to prove to everyone that I was somebody. Finally, in the eyes of some, I was somebody! However, it didn’t take long for me to realize that the measure you have to take in order to become something is the same measure you have to keep in order to sustain what you’ve become. In other words, I couldn’t keep up the front for long and still be happy.

At 27, apart from work, apart from friendships, apart from love interests, I’ve finally begun to accept who God has made me to be. My need for acceptance from others has finally been replaced by the deep knowledge that I’m accepted by God. This is me, the one He loves: I am not the smartest, but I love to think; I am not the prettiest, but God gave me a beauty of my own; I am not the best guitarist, but I have a gift; I am selfish, but I’m not the only one; I’d rather have time than money; having a few close friends is more fulfilling to me than having a lot of surface friendships; I am an underachiever; I lose interest quickly, but I have passion; I have anxiety, but I can manage it; if one person doesn’t like me, that doesn’t mean that no one likes me; I am messy and unorganized, but I still know where everything is; I’m a nut; sometimes I make jokes that don’t get any laughs but my own, but I’m committed to the joke nonetheless; I’m uncomfortable around guys I like; I’m kind of dorky; some people hate me, but so many more love me; I am a child of God and he is my Father, He loves me and thinks I’m beautiful; God loves it when I spend time with him; I don’t have to be afraid; my security rests in Him. That last one is the most important to me. It’s what I set my sights on 2 ½ months ago, and now I have it…and so much in addition.

It used to be that I believed all the negative things people told me about myself, but when my security lies in God, how could I still believe what “they” say? The negative stuff now affects my life only as much as a mosquito buzzing by my ear does. Finally, by God’s grace, I believe the good things people say about me!

Prayer: Does He answer or Doesn't He?

When I was little, I was told that God has three different responses to prayer: yes, no, and wait. When I was about 23, I began to hear, and thus, believe (yeah, you’d think by 23 I wouldn’t believe everything I hear…alas!) that you could ask for anything you want and God would give it to you, based on the verses in the Bible that say, “You do not receive because you do not ask,” and other such verses. I guess my thinking still leans more towards the second view, but kind of with a twist. I’m starting to think that, yes, in some cases God does give us what we ask for and beyond, but we only realize it if we know and pray in the true desire of our hearts. What I mean is, if I were to ask for a Mercedes, probably the true desire of my heart is to be significant, to have security. Well, God will probably spare me the hassle of the car payments and instead, infiltrate my life with experiences that will help breed security and significance in Him. If I don’t recognize that, it looks like God is not cooperating. If I do recognize the true desire of my heart behind that prayer, then I can appreciate another answered prayer. I know this is just a theory, but it’s a theory that has proven true in my life.

I believe that God gives us what we ask for and beyond because of something I just went through. A while back I prayed for peace, for more security in Christ, and for a forgiving heart. I was contentedly making tiny steps toward this while my life remained comfortable. However, one day about three weeks ago, it was like God edited out the boring, slow day-in, day-out scenes of my life and decided to move along the story line. It all unfolded with a paralyzing panic attack that made me think I was going to die. I’m telling you, this was the MOTHER of all panic attacks! My mind was racing, I started hyperventilating, then my fingers went numb, eventually my arms did too. As I attempted to drive myself home, the rest of my body went numb. First my legs, then my torso, and finally (I kid you not) my entire head. I screamed as loud as I could, but heard nothing. I looked in the mirror and my face was green (I’m not even kidding!). I finally pulled over to the side of the road in case I died while driving (at least I was thinking clearly enough to not want to hurt others during my death!). I got out of the car and curled up in a gutter. I thought if I could puke, I’d be ok. I couldn’t puke. I was trapped inside a body that would not cooperate with my soul. There was nothing I could do. Literally. I couldn’t move and I could hardly think straight. I had no idea how long I would be there. I wondered how long it would take someone to discover me. I thought I would die there. If hell is a place where you have paralyzing fear with no hope of ever escaping, then I experienced a taste of it. I asked God to deliver me. He didn’t. In fact, my fear and insecurity lasted for almost a week after that. I felt like God had left my side. But the thing is, I knew that even though I couldn’t feel Him, He was still there. I became more determined to be near Him, to find my security in Him.

With a few weeks of hindsight, I’ve realized that in one episode, He has given me peace and a security in Him that I have never experienced before. He has delivered me, like I asked…only it happened about a week after I asked, but He’s also given me abundantly more than I asked! I am so glad He didn’t pluck me out of the fear I was feeling during that panic attack. No doubt I would have left that episode with something great—a greater faith that God hears my prayers. But since He allowed me to go through it and struggle with it, I came out with something greater than that! I came through that with security in Him, peace beyond my understanding, strength that I never thought existed, confidence that I never thought I was capable of obtaining, and a heart full of forgiveness! He answered my prayer! He answered the true desire of my heart. Praise God for giving me far beyond what I could ask. How loving is that, folks??? That would be like asking somebody for a dollar for the vending machine and they go out and buy you a life-time supply of groceries. Wow!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that God DOES answer prayer. Whether we realize it or not is sometimes up to us. I could have left that circumstance saying, “Why didn’t you deliver me from that paralyzing, humiliating fear, God?” Instead, God gave me the wisdom to realize that He was answering the true prayer of my heart, “God, I don’t want to fear anymore. I want to have my security in you.”

You may not always get what you want when and how you want it, but I think if it’s the true desire of your heart, God will give you beyond what you can even pray for. Just recognize His faithfulness. Selah….

Restored

There seems to be a Jeremy Camp song for every significant change in my life. Here's one for now. Pretty much the entire song has significance for me, but I love the part that goes, "And I feel it/my heart is being mended by your touch/And I hear it/ your voice that's shown my purpose in this world." I know a lot of people think that God is not a "feeling" God; sometimes He isn't, but sometimes I think He relates to us through our feelings. Just like you can feel your heart break, I believe you can feel Him mend it. I'm loving my relationship with God right now!

Restored
by Jeremy Camp

All this time I've wandered around

Searching for the things I'll never know

I've been searching for this answer that

Only will be found in your love

And I feel it my heart is being mended by your touch

And I hear it your voice that's shown my purpose in this world

You have restored me from my feeble and broken soul

You have restored me (2x)

I've only come to realize my strength will be made perfect at your throne

Laying all reflections down to see the precious beauty that you've shown

And I feel it my heart is being mended by your touch

And I hear it your voice that's shown my purpose in this world

You have restored me from my feeble and broken soul

You have restored me (2x)

Laying all these questions down

You've answered what I need

You've given more than I deserve

You're making me complete

You've given all these open doors

I'm humbled at your feet

Because of what you've done for me

What's Worse? Eating or Cleaning Up Poop?

My anxiety is weird.

We had a big lunch for my supervisor whose last day is tomorrow, and I freaked out because I had to eat.

We had a hu-mongo-normous storm and I had to work overtime today, and when I got home I discovered that I had water coming from above and below into my house, and my dog had stuff coming out of her front and her back onto my carpet, my bed, and my couch..........and I was calm as could be.

What's up with that?

Nevertheless, a Woman Through and Through

I'm not really a girly girl. One of my favorite memories from high school was not getting ready for prom (in fact, I didn't go to prom); my favorite memories were of my best friends, Kristin and Rachel, and I running around in the woods by Rachel's house. We were savage in the woods (except, I do remember walking a mile out of the woods to use the restroom at Rachel's house). We would come out of the woods covered in dirt from head to toe, smelling like earth and sweat, but at the same time, feeling as alive as we've ever felt!

Besides that, I bite my nails. I don't keep up with my hair appointments. At almost every turn, I would rather be doing what the guys are doing. Sometimes I'd rather play video games than go to a make-up party. I'd rather drink beer than margaritas. I feel more comfortable talking about farting and pooping than I do talking about babies. I generally feel more comfortable around a group of guys than a group of girls.

Despite these things, through and through, I have a woman's heart. For the most part, I would describe myself as more passionate than emotional, but I'm still quite emotional. I melt when I see a puppy or a baby. My heart breaks almost every day. I cry during Grey's Anatomy and during the season finale of House. I can take care of myself, but in some things I'd rather be taken care of. For instance, I'd rather hire someone to fence in my backyard, or unclog a drain, or paint my house than do it myself. But God has awakened a passion in me over the last year or so that has never been so alive in me. I have a passion to be an excellent wife and mother, first of all, but also to minister, to nuture, pray for, and serve others in need. I don't know if I have what it takes, but if it begins with desire, then there's no question I have a good start.

I believe all that will come in God's time. For now, I am perfectly content having God as my "husband," the world as my "children," and a lot of free time!!