Life Update

So, an update on my life....



I'm happy.



My life is different, but I'm not afraid (for a change).



I've managed to meet an incredible guy. Even though I've said it about every other guy I've been with recently, I'm going to say it about him too...he may actually be THE ONE. Of course I say that and at the same time I'm thinking, "Yeah, right. You've said that about all the other ones too."



But this one is different. "Aren't they all?"



But really...from beginning to the present this one is different. First of all, the night I met him I thought that he had no interest in me. In fact, he seemed very annoyed by me, so I figured I had made a horrible first impression, and therefore had nothing to lose by being completely "Alissa" in front of him. I didn't care if I impressed him or not...I was just...me:)



My "Alissaness" may have interested him a little, but according to him, it wasn't until I shared my testimony and my passion for God that he was hooked. While we took turns encouraging another friend at the table with testimonies and Bible verses, I also began to think he was pretty interesting, but shoved off any chance of ending up with a guy like this.



When the night ended, one of the girls who was hanging out with us suggested that we all exchange phone numbers. After we all exchanged phone numbers, I got in my car, put on my seat belt, and shifted into reverse when my phone rang. It was him calling from across the parking lot. I thought I had dropped something or left something at the restaurant. I picked up the phone and said, "Tom Case, why are you calling me? I'm 10 feet away." (I found out later this dashed his confidence...he had only given himself a 40% chance with me to begin with). Then he asked me something, to which I replied, "Hold on a second. I can't hear you." (My music was too loud). So he asked again, "Do you want to go out to coffee with me?" I promptly replied, "yes," and the rest is history.



The following Monday we went on our date, which I wasn't even sure was a date until about the day before. As it turns out, we didn't have coffee, but we had about the most perfect first date imaginable! We went to the state park on Lake Michigan, walked a trail to the dunes, jumped down and ran up the giant dunes, and then sat by the water during sunset and talked until the moon was bright in the sky.



Yeah...



So, here I am. Happy. Trying to enjoy "happy" but also feeling quite suspicious about it. When does everything come crashing down around me? Is it ok to feel this happy? Thankfully, I've enjoyed every moment of it, but never without that cynical voice lingering somewhere in the background.



I'll take it one moment at a time...and I'll love every second of it!

Control Freak: How do I get from here to there??

I'm not sure when I began to think that I had to keep all my problems to myself. I used to wear myself on my sleeve, and I allowed people to minister to me. I never used to pretend that everything in my life was fine--that I was happy, that I had enough money, that I was healthy, that I was strong enough to handle things on my own, that I had it figured out, and if I didn't, I could figure it out, that everything was under control, that I was trusting God. The truth is, my friends, I have hit one of those walls in life that knocks you out and causes you to believe you may never get back up. I know the truth of my situation and my struggle--that God is above it, that He has the victory, and therefore, so do I--but that makes it no less of a struggle.

The week that Chris died I couldn't eat, so I didn't work out and I slept more during the day and less at night. So, you could say that this all came to a head the following week when everything started catching up with me. However, I can't imagine that after taking such good care of myself for so long that one week could knock me down completely. Something must have taken root in me long ago--something that drains the life from me whenever I am filled. I'm not sure what else it could be other than my constant grasping for control.

Rachel told me a while ago that she thought the control issue was the root of my anxiety. I agreed. I still do. I think I even was able to let go of control once or twice over the year. Issue solved, right????.......... The whole process of giving up control should be easy. It's so logical: I do not own my life; there are things I can't control; if I can't control them, then I'm wasting time and energy maintaining my death-grip on them; wasting time and energy is unpleasant and leads to stress, multiple panic attacks, fear of losing control; so, let go of your grip! Here's another logical statement: if you don't have control over something whether or not you hold on to it, wouldn't it be better just to let go of it? Yes! Very logical! Unfortunately, I must not have a brain or something, because that argument doesn't just seal the deal for me.

So, here I am again, or at least I think I'm here. I have suffered three panic attacks in the last week. I have taken more days off of work than I've been there and I will be taking half days for the rest of the week, partly in order to keep living my life while also having time to reflect, pray, seek God whole-heartedly, and hopefully just "be." But I'm also taking this time because I'm afraid. I'm too afraid to live life normally right now. I'm too weak. I'm too beside myself to even hear God in the noise of the familiar everyday.

I've hit a wall, been knocked out, and right now I'm having trouble getting back up. No doubt I'll stand up and walk again, but I will walk differently. Will I walk with a crutch and therefore limp for the rest of my life, or will I leap and dance and run just like the man who was healed by Jesus?

I don't want to limp for the rest of my life. But right now, I'm having trouble just standing.

How do I get from here to there?

Just in case I die

I'm young, I don't have much material worth, and I don't have any kids, so I never really thought about what should happen with the "stuff" I have should I die. My house has no sentimental value, so you can leave everything in it and burn it for all I care. As of today, I have $9.94 in my savings and $5.23 in my checking account. This might be enough for my family to have some Starbucks on me! Enjoy!

No one really likes my dog, but I love her, so if no one wants to take her, please make sure she ends up with a loving and patient family. She would happiest if she had lots of land to run around on all day long.

Probably the one thing you'll want to salvage from my bookcases is my journals. I believe there are 10 journals upstairs, and there might be more in the basement. I'm going to warn you now that some of the stuff you read could be shocking to you. But maybe I don't hide as much as I think I do.

Since grieving through visitations and funerals is not my way of grieving, I would rather you didn't do that. But if that helps my family with their grieving, then by all means, drain my blood, fill my body with embalming fluid, sew my eyes and my mouth shut, layer my face and hands in makeup, lay me in a box, and weep over my "body." Then please cremate my body. I know it will be hard to let go of the ashes, but please spread some over Lake Michigan by the beach at Frankfort. I have some wonderful memories of our time there as a family as well as the time I spent with God by the water (see journal entries from July 17, 2008-July 20, 2008). Then contact Andrew and go to deer camp and spread some ashes there. I found so much peace there. As you know, peace is something that was hard for me to come by. I would have you spread some in the pool in our backyard in Valpo, but that would be weird. I think it is pretty obvious that home was a haven for me. I also had some defining moments with God back there (see blog entry from September 2, 2008). Once the ashes are gone, let that be it. Move on. Throw away everything. Don't keep my blankey, don't save my body spray so that you can smell it when you miss me, throw my clothes away or burn them, don't leave everything just as I left it. Clean it up, sweep it out (unfortunately, if I die at the end of a busy week, there will be a lot of cleaning to do. Sorry about that. It's on the list for tomorrow). Don't torture yourself with the stuff that reminds you of me.

I hope I made a good impression on earth. I hope that I wasn't mean to you or that I blew you off or didn't notice you when I should have. I hope that I left you feeling special. I hope that I didn't get in the way of God blessing your life through me. Please know that when I told you I love you, I really meant it. Even if I told you that and I didn't know you very well, I still REALLY meant it. God has filled my heart with love for just about everyone.

If I die before Monday, tell my date I was really looking forward to talking to him. A bunch of us, including him, had a great conversation on Tuesday that filled both of our hearts with such joy and purpose that we wanted to continue sharing our passion for God with each other.

Tell my coworkers that I loved them all. Laura and Cathy were like sisters to me. We all took turns having "weepy" days, and we were always there for each other. They especially were there for me (I think I had a "few" more weepy days than either of them. Tell them I'm sorry I was such high maintenence sometimes). Other than that, I already told them this week that I love them. Again, I really meant it.

I had a special place in my heart for Mary. Make sure she knows that I loved her. I don't think enough people love her.

Tell Steve I love him too (I think I already told him, but I just want to make sure he knows that). We were very different spirits. I was afraid of him at first because he seemed so dark, but we ended up being great friends. I appreciated his honesty and even his cynisism (sp?). If I don't finish the book he loaned me before I die, make sure he gets it back. It was The Stranger. I think it's in my car.

Thank Jim Miar for making me laugh and understanding me. I already got to tell him goodbye this week.

Tell Dickie and Meghan I loved them too. Thank them for the great memories of BBQ and Rock Band.

(Wow...I'm beginning to understand how acceptance speeches get so long.... I know this might be boring, but it's really important).

Make sure my closest friends--Kristin, Rachel, Annie, Elisa, Abby, Kate, Heather, Dianne, and Robin--know that they gave me hope and confidence.

Make sure my high-schoolers know I loved them all very much. They taught me a lot about myself. Make sure they are comforted. I want them all to have a firm grasp of who they are in Christ. Tell them it's ok to mourn my death, but please make sure they don't add it to their list of bad things that happened in their life. There is a wealth of good to drink up from this one bad thing.

I've already made peace with Andrew, JR, and Aaron. In case they didn't believe me, let them know that I am left with no more broken pieces; that I became a better, stronger person through them.

If people tell you that the reason I'm gone is because God wanted me with him, don't believe it. Life belongs to God, eternal life was mine to choose, and death belongs to the devil. Hate him for death. Love God for the life I found in Him.

If I die young, don't be too sad about that. I feel like my life is purposeful. My living has been intentional. I don't have any regrets. I am happy.