Control Freak: How do I get from here to there??

I'm not sure when I began to think that I had to keep all my problems to myself. I used to wear myself on my sleeve, and I allowed people to minister to me. I never used to pretend that everything in my life was fine--that I was happy, that I had enough money, that I was healthy, that I was strong enough to handle things on my own, that I had it figured out, and if I didn't, I could figure it out, that everything was under control, that I was trusting God. The truth is, my friends, I have hit one of those walls in life that knocks you out and causes you to believe you may never get back up. I know the truth of my situation and my struggle--that God is above it, that He has the victory, and therefore, so do I--but that makes it no less of a struggle.

The week that Chris died I couldn't eat, so I didn't work out and I slept more during the day and less at night. So, you could say that this all came to a head the following week when everything started catching up with me. However, I can't imagine that after taking such good care of myself for so long that one week could knock me down completely. Something must have taken root in me long ago--something that drains the life from me whenever I am filled. I'm not sure what else it could be other than my constant grasping for control.

Rachel told me a while ago that she thought the control issue was the root of my anxiety. I agreed. I still do. I think I even was able to let go of control once or twice over the year. Issue solved, right????.......... The whole process of giving up control should be easy. It's so logical: I do not own my life; there are things I can't control; if I can't control them, then I'm wasting time and energy maintaining my death-grip on them; wasting time and energy is unpleasant and leads to stress, multiple panic attacks, fear of losing control; so, let go of your grip! Here's another logical statement: if you don't have control over something whether or not you hold on to it, wouldn't it be better just to let go of it? Yes! Very logical! Unfortunately, I must not have a brain or something, because that argument doesn't just seal the deal for me.

So, here I am again, or at least I think I'm here. I have suffered three panic attacks in the last week. I have taken more days off of work than I've been there and I will be taking half days for the rest of the week, partly in order to keep living my life while also having time to reflect, pray, seek God whole-heartedly, and hopefully just "be." But I'm also taking this time because I'm afraid. I'm too afraid to live life normally right now. I'm too weak. I'm too beside myself to even hear God in the noise of the familiar everyday.

I've hit a wall, been knocked out, and right now I'm having trouble getting back up. No doubt I'll stand up and walk again, but I will walk differently. Will I walk with a crutch and therefore limp for the rest of my life, or will I leap and dance and run just like the man who was healed by Jesus?

I don't want to limp for the rest of my life. But right now, I'm having trouble just standing.

How do I get from here to there?