1.) Driving
2.) Stores
3.) Eating at a restaurant
4.) Having a one-on-one conversation
5.) Feeling trapped
6.) Throwing up
7.) Feeling sick
8.) Feeling "off"
9.) Fear
10.) Attention
11.) Taking a walk far from home
12.) Long trips in the car
13.) Being stuck in traffic
14.) Standing in long lines
15.) Flying in an airplane
16.) Being on a train
17.) The thought that I will never be normal again
Things I am not afraid of:
1.) Dying
2.) Nearly being in an accident
3.) Not having enough money
4.) Riding a motorcycle
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Mysterious Love
I have sat down to write a few times in the last couple of days, but it's always so hard to get started because there's a lot to talk to about and no really good way of saying it. In short, the last month has been one of the most difficult, strange, exciting times of my entire life. Yes, without a doubt!
Since there's a lot to talk about I'm just going to choose one topic for now: Tom. I realize that we've grossed out just about everyone with how in love we are, but I can't feel bad about that; it has come at a great cost. I am completely humbled by the strength and unconditional love he has shown to me in the last five months. He has seen me have panic attacks, he has heard me say discouraging things, he held my hand when I tried to puke. If that wasn't enough, when I told him during a panic attack that I was going to poop my pants, he reassured me that that was ok and he would get me some clean clothes. Despite my momentary insanity and utter repulsiveness, not a day goes by that he doesn't remind me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. From the beginning, I decided that I would lay out all my faults and weaknesses in front of him so he would know what he was getting into. At first, I thought I could scare him away, but this guy cannot be moved! In fact, I'm convinced that he loves me even more with each weakness that surfaces. This has spoken volumes to me about God's love for me.
Before I met Tom, people always got to know me from the outside in. This inevitably led to increasing anxiety that with each passing day they were coming closer and closer to the "real" me. To myself at that time, I was my imperfections. It was shortly before I met Tom that I decided I would not be that way anymore, and I began to see myself the way God sees me. Even though I didn't know it at the time, I had only touched the surface right before I met Tom. When I was single and learning these things, i focused on my strengths and didn't touch the icky, risky to deal with, weaknesses. But having someone else in my life that is effected by my weaknesses, whether I acknowledge them or not, has required that I deal with them. Perhaps even more importantly, it requires that I believe I am not defined by my weaknesses. And even more importantly, it requires that I believe he loves me for who I truly am. I can't understand why he loves me, I just have to accept that he does. This has taught me volumes about God's perfect love for me because the closer Tom and I grow, the more challenged I am to see myself the way God truly sees me. God sees my weaknesses, he knows my anxious thoughts, he knows my desires (good and evil), and even though they are very much contrary to His word, he still loves me. I have tried to wonder why or how God can love with such love. Here's the best answer I can come up with: it is, and will always be, a mystery. God requires nothing from me, except that I believe him (John 6:29). So often I believe that my weaknesses will cause Tom to love me less. But when I shove that lie aside and just delight in the fact that he loves me for who I am, he delights in that! Likewise, God delights in me when I trust His word (Hebrews 10:38) and when I put value on our relationship rather than on how I need to be "better" (Hosea 6:6).
In short, I am so thankful for my relationship with God and my relationship with Tom. They both give me something I'm not sure I would have on my own. My relationship with God teaches me about my relationship with Tom, and my relationship with Tom teaches me about my relationship with God. Amazing! Thank you, Daddy, for putting Tom in my life to reflect your love for me!
Since there's a lot to talk about I'm just going to choose one topic for now: Tom. I realize that we've grossed out just about everyone with how in love we are, but I can't feel bad about that; it has come at a great cost. I am completely humbled by the strength and unconditional love he has shown to me in the last five months. He has seen me have panic attacks, he has heard me say discouraging things, he held my hand when I tried to puke. If that wasn't enough, when I told him during a panic attack that I was going to poop my pants, he reassured me that that was ok and he would get me some clean clothes. Despite my momentary insanity and utter repulsiveness, not a day goes by that he doesn't remind me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. From the beginning, I decided that I would lay out all my faults and weaknesses in front of him so he would know what he was getting into. At first, I thought I could scare him away, but this guy cannot be moved! In fact, I'm convinced that he loves me even more with each weakness that surfaces. This has spoken volumes to me about God's love for me.
Before I met Tom, people always got to know me from the outside in. This inevitably led to increasing anxiety that with each passing day they were coming closer and closer to the "real" me. To myself at that time, I was my imperfections. It was shortly before I met Tom that I decided I would not be that way anymore, and I began to see myself the way God sees me. Even though I didn't know it at the time, I had only touched the surface right before I met Tom. When I was single and learning these things, i focused on my strengths and didn't touch the icky, risky to deal with, weaknesses. But having someone else in my life that is effected by my weaknesses, whether I acknowledge them or not, has required that I deal with them. Perhaps even more importantly, it requires that I believe I am not defined by my weaknesses. And even more importantly, it requires that I believe he loves me for who I truly am. I can't understand why he loves me, I just have to accept that he does. This has taught me volumes about God's perfect love for me because the closer Tom and I grow, the more challenged I am to see myself the way God truly sees me. God sees my weaknesses, he knows my anxious thoughts, he knows my desires (good and evil), and even though they are very much contrary to His word, he still loves me. I have tried to wonder why or how God can love with such love. Here's the best answer I can come up with: it is, and will always be, a mystery. God requires nothing from me, except that I believe him (John 6:29). So often I believe that my weaknesses will cause Tom to love me less. But when I shove that lie aside and just delight in the fact that he loves me for who I am, he delights in that! Likewise, God delights in me when I trust His word (Hebrews 10:38) and when I put value on our relationship rather than on how I need to be "better" (Hosea 6:6).
In short, I am so thankful for my relationship with God and my relationship with Tom. They both give me something I'm not sure I would have on my own. My relationship with God teaches me about my relationship with Tom, and my relationship with Tom teaches me about my relationship with God. Amazing! Thank you, Daddy, for putting Tom in my life to reflect your love for me!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Progress
It doesn't come as a huge surprise to me that I didn't get out of the house and drive down the Beltline on Friday like I said I would. After having the amount of anxiety I had on Friday driving to meet a friend for lunch, it was not likely that I would get back in my car that same day. However, that would have been the best thing to do. But no more excuses! I refuse to live for this anxiety any longer.
Accomplishments:
Saturday I went to lunch in downtown Rockford with Tom and his parents and my parents. I was feeling quite anxious before we left, so simply leaving the house was an accomplishment in and of itself. Once we got there, though, I had to stay in the car until I could catch my breath. After a while, I was able to go into the restaurant and sit down for a while. I ordered food but didn't think I could sit there and eat it, so I asked for it in a to-go box. Things were going well until I spotted some tea bags across the room and thought about ordering some chamomile, but my mind started racing, "If I order the tea, then I have to sit here and finish it. I'll have no escape. What if I can't finish it? Then I will have wasted money on perfectly good tea. That would be a horrible thing to do...." That's when I began to get really anxious and I had to leave. I'm beginning to notice a pattern with my anxiety: when I give myself outlets it gets worse. I'm guessing this is because I'm giving in. I'm basically saying, "Yes, anxiety, you are right; there is no possible way I can handle this situation, so before I even try to handle it, I'm going to give you control." Scary.
Anyway, the accomplishments didn't end with entering and sitting down in the restaurant. We decided to walk around downtown. All I wanted to do after lunch was head back to Tom's apartment (a "safe zone"). I forced myself to sit and breathe for 5 minutes and gave myself permission to go home if I wasn't doing better after 5 minutes. Before the 5 minutes was up, I lost track of time and began walking. I ended up staying out 45 minutes after I decided couldn't handle it!
Sunday was a series of successes! I went out to Panera with Tom and our families, sat in the restaurant, and ate! After lunch I went to Lowe's and didn't have to escape. I even used the bathroom there! Then we went grocery shopping. Had a little anxiety while we were grocery shopping, but not until we were almost done and ready to leave anyway. For dinner, we went to Famous Dave's. I lasted almost the entire time. I ordered, ate, and then fled about 20 minutes before everyone else was done. Slight setback, but not too bad.
Yesterday was the biggest accomplishment so far. Yesterday I drove about 12 miles to get to an appointment. I had a significant amount of anxiety traveling both ways, but I managed it by keeping my breathing under control.
Today I drove 12 miles. I'm not sure how many of those were on the Beltline, but I drove to Fulton and back home. My hands and face started to tingle before I got to Fulton and they were still tingling when I got back home, but I managed that by taking deep breaths and by slowing all my physical reactions. I also tried to keep my fidgeting under control, which seemed to help.
I have a new reason to tackle this anxiety head on...I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! October 24th is the big day and I want to enjoy it. I don't want to worry about having a panic attack while I'm saying my vows (I can imagine people might think I'm not being very sincere if I'm freaking out while making my vows...).
New goal: I'm going to leave the house every day at 12 noon, whether it is to go for a drive or walk...no matter how I'm feeling.
I will heal from this!
Accomplishments:
Saturday I went to lunch in downtown Rockford with Tom and his parents and my parents. I was feeling quite anxious before we left, so simply leaving the house was an accomplishment in and of itself. Once we got there, though, I had to stay in the car until I could catch my breath. After a while, I was able to go into the restaurant and sit down for a while. I ordered food but didn't think I could sit there and eat it, so I asked for it in a to-go box. Things were going well until I spotted some tea bags across the room and thought about ordering some chamomile, but my mind started racing, "If I order the tea, then I have to sit here and finish it. I'll have no escape. What if I can't finish it? Then I will have wasted money on perfectly good tea. That would be a horrible thing to do...." That's when I began to get really anxious and I had to leave. I'm beginning to notice a pattern with my anxiety: when I give myself outlets it gets worse. I'm guessing this is because I'm giving in. I'm basically saying, "Yes, anxiety, you are right; there is no possible way I can handle this situation, so before I even try to handle it, I'm going to give you control." Scary.
Anyway, the accomplishments didn't end with entering and sitting down in the restaurant. We decided to walk around downtown. All I wanted to do after lunch was head back to Tom's apartment (a "safe zone"). I forced myself to sit and breathe for 5 minutes and gave myself permission to go home if I wasn't doing better after 5 minutes. Before the 5 minutes was up, I lost track of time and began walking. I ended up staying out 45 minutes after I decided couldn't handle it!
Sunday was a series of successes! I went out to Panera with Tom and our families, sat in the restaurant, and ate! After lunch I went to Lowe's and didn't have to escape. I even used the bathroom there! Then we went grocery shopping. Had a little anxiety while we were grocery shopping, but not until we were almost done and ready to leave anyway. For dinner, we went to Famous Dave's. I lasted almost the entire time. I ordered, ate, and then fled about 20 minutes before everyone else was done. Slight setback, but not too bad.
Yesterday was the biggest accomplishment so far. Yesterday I drove about 12 miles to get to an appointment. I had a significant amount of anxiety traveling both ways, but I managed it by keeping my breathing under control.
Today I drove 12 miles. I'm not sure how many of those were on the Beltline, but I drove to Fulton and back home. My hands and face started to tingle before I got to Fulton and they were still tingling when I got back home, but I managed that by taking deep breaths and by slowing all my physical reactions. I also tried to keep my fidgeting under control, which seemed to help.
I have a new reason to tackle this anxiety head on...I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! October 24th is the big day and I want to enjoy it. I don't want to worry about having a panic attack while I'm saying my vows (I can imagine people might think I'm not being very sincere if I'm freaking out while making my vows...).
New goal: I'm going to leave the house every day at 12 noon, whether it is to go for a drive or walk...no matter how I'm feeling.
I will heal from this!
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