I have sat down to write a few times in the last couple of days, but it's always so hard to get started because there's a lot to talk to about and no really good way of saying it. In short, the last month has been one of the most difficult, strange, exciting times of my entire life. Yes, without a doubt!
Since there's a lot to talk about I'm just going to choose one topic for now: Tom. I realize that we've grossed out just about everyone with how in love we are, but I can't feel bad about that; it has come at a great cost. I am completely humbled by the strength and unconditional love he has shown to me in the last five months. He has seen me have panic attacks, he has heard me say discouraging things, he held my hand when I tried to puke. If that wasn't enough, when I told him during a panic attack that I was going to poop my pants, he reassured me that that was ok and he would get me some clean clothes. Despite my momentary insanity and utter repulsiveness, not a day goes by that he doesn't remind me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. From the beginning, I decided that I would lay out all my faults and weaknesses in front of him so he would know what he was getting into. At first, I thought I could scare him away, but this guy cannot be moved! In fact, I'm convinced that he loves me even more with each weakness that surfaces. This has spoken volumes to me about God's love for me.
Before I met Tom, people always got to know me from the outside in. This inevitably led to increasing anxiety that with each passing day they were coming closer and closer to the "real" me. To myself at that time, I was my imperfections. It was shortly before I met Tom that I decided I would not be that way anymore, and I began to see myself the way God sees me. Even though I didn't know it at the time, I had only touched the surface right before I met Tom. When I was single and learning these things, i focused on my strengths and didn't touch the icky, risky to deal with, weaknesses. But having someone else in my life that is effected by my weaknesses, whether I acknowledge them or not, has required that I deal with them. Perhaps even more importantly, it requires that I believe I am not defined by my weaknesses. And even more importantly, it requires that I believe he loves me for who I truly am. I can't understand why he loves me, I just have to accept that he does. This has taught me volumes about God's perfect love for me because the closer Tom and I grow, the more challenged I am to see myself the way God truly sees me. God sees my weaknesses, he knows my anxious thoughts, he knows my desires (good and evil), and even though they are very much contrary to His word, he still loves me. I have tried to wonder why or how God can love with such love. Here's the best answer I can come up with: it is, and will always be, a mystery. God requires nothing from me, except that I believe him (John 6:29). So often I believe that my weaknesses will cause Tom to love me less. But when I shove that lie aside and just delight in the fact that he loves me for who I am, he delights in that! Likewise, God delights in me when I trust His word (Hebrews 10:38) and when I put value on our relationship rather than on how I need to be "better" (Hosea 6:6).
In short, I am so thankful for my relationship with God and my relationship with Tom. They both give me something I'm not sure I would have on my own. My relationship with God teaches me about my relationship with Tom, and my relationship with Tom teaches me about my relationship with God. Amazing! Thank you, Daddy, for putting Tom in my life to reflect your love for me!
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