Big Plans

Ok. I'm back again and I'm a little more *eh hem* sane this time.

I've decided to just accept the way I feel, yet continue to make right choices. This way, I don't have to continue being an "either/or" person--that person that overanalyzes every decision or feeling, and never feels settled or has closure.

For way too long, I've told myself to either think or feel; either dive in completely, or pretend it doesn't exist; either be the best, or don't try at all. Over the last year or so, I've been trying to be more balanced in my approach to life. This new guy in my life is forcing me to actually BE balanced instead of just thinking about it. My initial struggle in this situation was either bag the year-long commitment, or bag the guy. I didn't want to decide either way, so I tried to make the decision his. I tried to scare him away. I told him he would have to wait 5 months before I could go on a date with him; he said he'd wait a year if he had to. I told him I have an anxiety disorder; he said he wants to help me through it. I told him I would be testing him; he told me to test away! I told him I was trying to scare him away; he said I'd have to try harder. Before him, I either took the hardest approach to an event in my life or the easiest. With him, I'm realizing that one event in life can be a combination of struggle and ease in order to come to pleasant conclusion. It's a struggle to wait 4 more months to share my heart and my life with him, but the price we pay now will be worth the friendship and trust we will build over this time.

Anyway, I hadn't actually planned on sitting down and writing about him. My original idea really seems quite trivial now...boring actually...but on I go! My plans for this evening:

-Be lazy.

-Do not get in comfortable clothes. Get comfortable in the clothes you're in.

-Slam a couple Cokes.

-Eat a Little Ceasar's Hot-N-Ready pizza. (Incidentally, it was hot, but not ready, which is unfortunate since I was really hungry and wanted it fast, but then when I got it home, it was too hot to eat right away, so I had to wait even longer before partaking. I'm going to market the new "Cooled-off-N-Ready" pizza).

-Soak in a hot bath like a beached whale (Hm...I guess that doesn't make much sense, but, oh well, that leads me to the next thing on the list...

-Don't hit "backspace." Go with the flow).

-Curl up with the puppy and read a good book.

-Play guitar (This has been on the list almost every day for the last 6 years and has yet to happen. Very sad, indeed. I used to love playing).

-Write a blog (check!)

-Put off grocery shopping and cleaning the house until tomorrow (check!)

-Make two lists: what I need at the store and what I can afford at the store.

And there you have it! The ordinary Friday night of an introverted bachelorette and her scared-stiff puppy dog.

It's a'ight. I'm diggin' it...

Frantic

I've been feeling too much and thinking way too much to stay calm anymore, so this is going to be almost completely stream of consciousness hubbub for the next few minutes. The only way I can console myself right now is to "blah" and keep "blahing" until this goes away.

Feeling? Feeling what? Love, or something like it?? More likely, I'm enamoured. I'm completely swept off my feet. All this "feeling" while my brain is telling me that it is impossible that he is so great, that I could know (or think I know?) that he's perfect for me after only a month. This all must be a joke. When I look back at my "list" *check check check* it's all there! How can that be?? I'm an optimist when things are going badly, but when things are good, like really good, like this, I'm a total pessimist. I'm waiting for something to hit the fan. I'm just waiting for it all to crumble into a million tiny pieces. But seriously, it's like I went to the "Build-A-Mate" store and customized a mate for myself. Is this a total blessing from God, or a cruel joke?

By the way, remember that snide blog about finding Superman?? Well, his middle name is "Clark." Cruel! Cruel! Cruel!

*breathe*

Ok...I don't really feel much better. Rachel, call me.

Mr. Right

Waiting is easy until you find what you’re waiting for…

Nearly 7 months ago, I declared that I would be single for a year. I was determined to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT. If a guy I thought was “Mr. Right” came along, he would have to wait (see entry from June called “Single for a Year”). There’s a part of me that knew someone would come along during the year that would make me want to try to wriggle myself out of this commitment. I was right.

So far he’s everything I want and need in a guy. And whether it’s God’s fulfillment of my heart’s desire or it’s a trick of the devil, he even has all the unimportant things I wanted in a guy, but didn’t require – drives a pick-up, was in the Air Force, is handy, can cook, clean, and do laundry, and is extremely...(how should I put this?)…well, he gives Brad Pitt a run for his money. And here’s the kicker…I told him about my commitment to being single for a year and he said he would wait for me—5 months, 1 year, however long I need! He seems too good to be true. Mom always said, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
Right?

So, I have my guard WAY up.

I WILL FULFILL THE COMMITMENT I MADE TO GOD AND TO MYSELF!

I WILL NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING.

Although I have nothing to base this on, I doubt he’ll be around in 5 months. But I have to trust that God knew this guy would come along before my commitment was up. Maybe this guy is just a test…or maybe he’s…………...NO! I have to remind myself that I’ve thought that about every decent guy that has come along, and so far I’ve been wrong 100% of the time! I guess the only thing I know for sure is that I don’t know anything…

…and that I must keep waiting…

Of course '09 will suck, but...

I'm not gonna lie; 2008 had some really bad moments--bad break-up, bad housing market, bad panic attack. The irony of it all is that the things that sucked in '08 are the same things that rocked about '08. The break-up led to lessons in forgiveness, the bad housing market led to lessons in contentment, and the panic attacks and anxiety led to a lesson in letting go of control.

All in all, 2008 was a great year for me! That's why 2009 is not about ridding myself of the old and starting afresh. It's about continuing to grow in the wisdom that 2008 brought. I don't think I'll be at all surprised by anything in the New Year. Of course, 2009 will suck just like 2008 did, but I'm positive that as a redeemed child of God, the bad, the difficult, the dreaded, the horrific, and all the terrifying moments that await me in 2009 will be redeemed by God's goodness.

Happy New Year!