What I'm thinking about today :)

Therefore, behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart. There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt. -Hosea 2:14-15

Two truths

1.) Bad things happen to everyone. One question you hear often in a crisis is, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The answer lies in another question: Why do bad things happen?? Bad things happen because we live in a bad world. Just like you can't do enough to get to heaven, you also can't do enough to have a life void of troubles.

2.) If your life is in Christ, trouble as you know it doesn't exist. It's right there in John 16. In verse 33, Jesus says, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" This is very encouraging if you can just get your worldly self past the part where He says we'll have trouble. If you're like me, you would just rather skip the "trouble" part altogether. Unfortunately, by trying to skip the "trouble" part, you only create more trouble and never, or at least rarely get to experience the Joy and Peace part Jesus talks about in verses 24 and 33.

On a personal note, I'm pretty annoyed with myself for getting caught up in the order of the sentences in verse 33 rather than the grammar of it. Because of the order of the sentences, I've had a hard time getting past the guaranteed trouble. But the truth lies in the grammar, not the order of the sentences. The first sentence, "In this world you will have trouble" suggests that this is something that will happen, but hasn't happened yet. The last sentences, "But take heart! I have overcome the world!" grammatically suggests that we should take heart NOW because Jesus ALREADY ("I have overcome") overcame the world. The best parts actually happened BEFORE the trouble. Hmmm....

So, there you have it. Two truths for the day, and hopefully for life.

God is big -- really really big!!

It's a bit frustrating when you realize that the obvious has been such a mystery for such a long time.

Here is the obvious-made mystery-made obvious to me this week: God is really really really big!

He cannot be contained in words; He is The Word.

He cannot be contained in a creature or creation; He is the Creator.

He cannot be contained in a checkbook or a paycheck; He already paid the debt.

Here is the other truth that follows: Satan is very very very small.

He is contained by one Word.

God is present in, but not contained by our lives, our words, our thoughts, our finances, our moments.....

Identity Shift

While I was home alone yesterday, I experienced an almost full-blown panic attack. Severe nausea, fingers and face tingling, shortness of breath, dizziness, feeling like I would lose all control...the whole nine yards. There wasn't a whole lot that I could do since all my coping techniques weren't working and my usual comforts weren't available. There were only two options: 1.) die, or 2.) work through it. Obviously, I chose to work through it.

I spent about two hours working through it. It sucked! Basically, by working through it, that meant that I had to observe the feelings I was having without reacting to them emotionally. If the feelings or thoughts got worse I had to embrace them and demand (mentally) that they get worse, thus diffusing the fear by facing it. I have to admit, I gave it a half-hearted effort, because I really did not want my brain to get confused and say, "Oh, you want more? Ok, I'll give you more!!" And then, of course, I would throw up (of course this has NEVER happened to me because of severe anxiety or during a panic attack. That's just the way my mind works.) Since I only gave it a half-hearted effort, it took much much longer than I would have liked. But I did it, and that's what counts!!

It's funny how little victory I actually felt after that.

(And now begins the point of the story)

You see, after 8 years of handle anxiety and panic attacks the wrong way--by fighting against the feeling--and having it only result in more ammo for anxiety to come back, it's almost twilight zoney to do it a different way, and, even as good as it feels, to take away some of it's momentum. In fact, I was almost depressed last night and felt very unlike "myself." That feeling alone gave me a lot of mental anguish and a little anxiety.

And then I was brushing my teeth and praying. Here's what I said to God without even thinking about it, "Lord, I don't feel like myself without the anxiety." Immediately, I stopped talking (well, actually I was saying it in my head because I had my mouth full of toothpaste) and thought, "That's a problem." I never realized it before, even when I had given it much thought (it's funny how well we tend to justify the way we act/react to situations), but I do define myself partly by my anxiety. Yikes!! I DO NOT WANT TO DEFINE MYSELF OR BE DEFINED BY ANXIETY ANY LONGER!!!!!!!

2 Timothy 1: 7 says that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and a SOUND MIND!

When I look back at the last few months, I can see that God is pealing away the things that I always used to define me. I am no longer defined by my job or job status; I am no longer defined by my independence, and I am no longer defined by my anxiety. Who am I? What is God's purpose for my life?

I'm excited to find out....

God in the Grocery Store

My insight for the day: Everything we do is what we do while we're listening to God. I guess the reason this hit me today is because I woke up this morning asking what God wanted me to do today, and right as I was about to kick back and relax in silence (and likely fall asleep) until God told me what he wanted me to do, a thought came to me that the work I do is important because it has to get done, but my heart should always be prepared to put down whatever I'm doing to do what God wants me to do.

I have the tendency to think that when God asks me to do something it's always going to be something huge that I will have to block out hours of my day (or my week...or my life) to do. But sometimes (most of the time) it is a simple thing that still can't get done if I'm sitting at home waiting to hear from God. Like, maybe I'll be out doing the grocery shopping, and I'll be able to encourage the cashier by being friendly to her/him after the customer before me berated him/her for not magically knowing the prices on all the bulk produce in the store. You know, that sort of thing.

So, anyway, just because I'm not out feeding and clothing people on the streets every day doesn't mean that by going about my daily tasks I'm not changing someone's life.

Everything I do is what I do while I'm listening to God.

I've perfected selfishness...

Before I got married, I had a lot of people remind me that marriage is something you have to work at, pointing out, specifically, that marriage brings together two sinners, which meant to me that now instead of having to deal with just your own sin, you now have to deal with the other person's sin.

Another thing I was told before I got married is that it will be a time of "iron sharpening iron."

Somewhere, I got the signals mixed because being the almost perfect human being that I am, I thought that living with my husband would cause me to see his sins more readily, in which case, I would have to sharpen him with my incredibly sharp and mature godliness. Today I realized that marrying him would open my eyes to just how deep a sinner I am, and how blessed I am to have him there to sharpen me.

There's that old term "my better half" that people use to describe their spouses. I used to think that this was just something people said in front of their spouses in order to flatter them, or behind their backs in order to appear humble. I've changed my mind because he truly is my better half. And since we're going with the cliches here, I'm going to have to quote Jack Nicolson and say that he "makes me want to be a better [woman]." Why? Because it's true!

This morning while my husband was serving at the Inner City Christian Federation, I was sucking up leaves in our back yard. When he didn't come home when he said he would, I began to get angry that he was out serving someone else when I needed his help at home. I had a whole long list of reasons why I was "allowed" to be angry. I listed them all for God while I prayed, "Lord, I don't want to be this selfish, but (fill in the blank with weak excuse for being selfish)." Finally, God laid on my heart two things: 1.) Thomas was doing the right thing and I should have been right beside him serving someone else, and 2.) I needed to stop being making excuses and just realize that I am being extremely selfish. Then I started to think about what I would write in my blog for today, and I thought, "I'll write something along the lines of, 'if my husband has one fault, it is that he's not selfish enough.'" But then God made me realize that by saying that, I was still being selfish by putting the negative on my husband instead of on myself. Here's the truth, folks: I AM SELFISH! Man, am I selfish!! And I am glad my husband isn't selfish, because I think if he was, he would not have married me.

So, now that I have gained this insight into myself, I am going to turn it to wisdom by acting on it. I created a challenge for myself. For the next week (really, I hope it lasts a lifetime), whenever there is something that I want to do for myself, I am going to serve someone else before I serve myself. So, maybe tomorrow I'll suck the leaves up out of my neighbor's yard before I suck the leaves out of my own yard. Or maybe instead of spending two hours in the morning on facebook, I'll spend those two hours writing thank you notes or writing encouraging hand-written letters to people.

I realize that these things in and of themselves will not turn me into a model servant, but I hope that it will at least begin to prepare my heart for a lifetime of humble service.

Today is not that day

I'm going to try to blog more. I think everyone who has a blog and doesn't write in it regularly says that, but then they don't do it. I'll probably fall into that category too, but I really don't have an excuse. I have all day to do it. Nevertheless, I will try. Who knows? Maybe some day I'll have something interesting or profound to say.

Today is not that day...

Hitched!

So, I'm hitched and happy as can be! I imagined the day over and over long before it came and it turned out to be much much better than I could have ever imagined. It was so romantic! Here are some pics of the wedding, but there really was nothing like being there (the lighting was tricky for photographs). Enjoy!

Prayer 09/30/09

I wrote this at the height of depression. I was feeling like giving up on life and on myself. Then Thomas called and spoke truth into my ear, so I began to pray. This is how my prayer unfolded:

Lord, where do we go from here? What do I need to do? What step do I need to take? You are bigger than me, you know me better than I do, so if you say that I can handle something, then I can believe it. Who am I to say that I can’t handle this? I’m sorry, Lord, for being angry at you. But don’t you understand why? Some people are healed from their problems overnight; why not me? Lord, haven’t I asked for it enough? I’m asking for it now. Daddy, please rain down healing on me today in this moment. Change my life. Change my heart. Help me believe. I know you love me. I KNOW you do. That is not something that can be taken away or diminished. Even though it feels like you’re far away, I KNOW YOU LOVE ME! No one and nothing can take that away! Even if you yourself tried to convince me that you don’t love me, I wouldn’t believe it, Lord!! God I believe your word is true. You are true to your word. You’ve told me and shown me in so many ways that you love me. You can’t convince me otherwise. Daddy, you are all I have to cling to. You are my only hope. I have nothing apart from you. I have nothing. I am nothing apart from you. I am dead apart from you. What do I look for? Rest? How do I rest? Show me, Lord! Teach me. I want to remain faithful to you. I want to see what you will do through me. I know you have a better plan for me. This is not the rest of my life. Show me what is. Lord, I want to praise you. I want to enjoy my life. I don’t want to be anxiety’s victim…I’m your child.

I still have no idea what God is going to do with this portion of my life, but I do know that today I have a new hope and a new desire to be intentional with every moment of my life, whether I'm sitting on the couch alone at home or whether I'm preaching to a group of people. Something is celebrating inside!

The things that frighten me the most

1.) Driving
2.) Stores
3.) Eating at a restaurant
4.) Having a one-on-one conversation
5.) Feeling trapped
6.) Throwing up
7.) Feeling sick
8.) Feeling "off"
9.) Fear
10.) Attention
11.) Taking a walk far from home
12.) Long trips in the car
13.) Being stuck in traffic
14.) Standing in long lines
15.) Flying in an airplane
16.) Being on a train
17.) The thought that I will never be normal again

Things I am not afraid of:

1.) Dying
2.) Nearly being in an accident
3.) Not having enough money
4.) Riding a motorcycle

Mysterious Love

I have sat down to write a few times in the last couple of days, but it's always so hard to get started because there's a lot to talk to about and no really good way of saying it. In short, the last month has been one of the most difficult, strange, exciting times of my entire life. Yes, without a doubt!

Since there's a lot to talk about I'm just going to choose one topic for now: Tom. I realize that we've grossed out just about everyone with how in love we are, but I can't feel bad about that; it has come at a great cost. I am completely humbled by the strength and unconditional love he has shown to me in the last five months. He has seen me have panic attacks, he has heard me say discouraging things, he held my hand when I tried to puke. If that wasn't enough, when I told him during a panic attack that I was going to poop my pants, he reassured me that that was ok and he would get me some clean clothes. Despite my momentary insanity and utter repulsiveness, not a day goes by that he doesn't remind me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. From the beginning, I decided that I would lay out all my faults and weaknesses in front of him so he would know what he was getting into. At first, I thought I could scare him away, but this guy cannot be moved! In fact, I'm convinced that he loves me even more with each weakness that surfaces. This has spoken volumes to me about God's love for me.

Before I met Tom, people always got to know me from the outside in. This inevitably led to increasing anxiety that with each passing day they were coming closer and closer to the "real" me. To myself at that time, I was my imperfections. It was shortly before I met Tom that I decided I would not be that way anymore, and I began to see myself the way God sees me. Even though I didn't know it at the time, I had only touched the surface right before I met Tom. When I was single and learning these things, i focused on my strengths and didn't touch the icky, risky to deal with, weaknesses. But having someone else in my life that is effected by my weaknesses, whether I acknowledge them or not, has required that I deal with them. Perhaps even more importantly, it requires that I believe I am not defined by my weaknesses. And even more importantly, it requires that I believe he loves me for who I truly am. I can't understand why he loves me, I just have to accept that he does. This has taught me volumes about God's perfect love for me because the closer Tom and I grow, the more challenged I am to see myself the way God truly sees me. God sees my weaknesses, he knows my anxious thoughts, he knows my desires (good and evil), and even though they are very much contrary to His word, he still loves me. I have tried to wonder why or how God can love with such love. Here's the best answer I can come up with: it is, and will always be, a mystery. God requires nothing from me, except that I believe him (John 6:29). So often I believe that my weaknesses will cause Tom to love me less. But when I shove that lie aside and just delight in the fact that he loves me for who I am, he delights in that! Likewise, God delights in me when I trust His word (Hebrews 10:38) and when I put value on our relationship rather than on how I need to be "better" (Hosea 6:6).

In short, I am so thankful for my relationship with God and my relationship with Tom. They both give me something I'm not sure I would have on my own. My relationship with God teaches me about my relationship with Tom, and my relationship with Tom teaches me about my relationship with God. Amazing! Thank you, Daddy, for putting Tom in my life to reflect your love for me!

Progress

It doesn't come as a huge surprise to me that I didn't get out of the house and drive down the Beltline on Friday like I said I would. After having the amount of anxiety I had on Friday driving to meet a friend for lunch, it was not likely that I would get back in my car that same day. However, that would have been the best thing to do. But no more excuses! I refuse to live for this anxiety any longer.

Accomplishments:

Saturday I went to lunch in downtown Rockford with Tom and his parents and my parents. I was feeling quite anxious before we left, so simply leaving the house was an accomplishment in and of itself. Once we got there, though, I had to stay in the car until I could catch my breath. After a while, I was able to go into the restaurant and sit down for a while. I ordered food but didn't think I could sit there and eat it, so I asked for it in a to-go box. Things were going well until I spotted some tea bags across the room and thought about ordering some chamomile, but my mind started racing, "If I order the tea, then I have to sit here and finish it. I'll have no escape. What if I can't finish it? Then I will have wasted money on perfectly good tea. That would be a horrible thing to do...." That's when I began to get really anxious and I had to leave. I'm beginning to notice a pattern with my anxiety: when I give myself outlets it gets worse. I'm guessing this is because I'm giving in. I'm basically saying, "Yes, anxiety, you are right; there is no possible way I can handle this situation, so before I even try to handle it, I'm going to give you control." Scary.

Anyway, the accomplishments didn't end with entering and sitting down in the restaurant. We decided to walk around downtown. All I wanted to do after lunch was head back to Tom's apartment (a "safe zone"). I forced myself to sit and breathe for 5 minutes and gave myself permission to go home if I wasn't doing better after 5 minutes. Before the 5 minutes was up, I lost track of time and began walking. I ended up staying out 45 minutes after I decided couldn't handle it!

Sunday was a series of successes! I went out to Panera with Tom and our families, sat in the restaurant, and ate! After lunch I went to Lowe's and didn't have to escape. I even used the bathroom there! Then we went grocery shopping. Had a little anxiety while we were grocery shopping, but not until we were almost done and ready to leave anyway. For dinner, we went to Famous Dave's. I lasted almost the entire time. I ordered, ate, and then fled about 20 minutes before everyone else was done. Slight setback, but not too bad.

Yesterday was the biggest accomplishment so far. Yesterday I drove about 12 miles to get to an appointment. I had a significant amount of anxiety traveling both ways, but I managed it by keeping my breathing under control.

Today I drove 12 miles. I'm not sure how many of those were on the Beltline, but I drove to Fulton and back home. My hands and face started to tingle before I got to Fulton and they were still tingling when I got back home, but I managed that by taking deep breaths and by slowing all my physical reactions. I also tried to keep my fidgeting under control, which seemed to help.

I have a new reason to tackle this anxiety head on...I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! October 24th is the big day and I want to enjoy it. I don't want to worry about having a panic attack while I'm saying my vows (I can imagine people might think I'm not being very sincere if I'm freaking out while making my vows...).

New goal: I'm going to leave the house every day at 12 noon, whether it is to go for a drive or walk...no matter how I'm feeling.

I will heal from this!

Sending Panic to Hell

I was on my way to meet a friend for lunch today. I felt fine when I left, but the more I drove, the more my mind raced:

"Whatifyouhaveapanicattackonthedrivethere?Wherewillyoupullover?Whatif someoneseesyouhavingapanicattack?Thatwouldbeembarrassing.Thenyouwouldhavetothrowup.Orwhatifyoupoopedorpeedyourpants?Youcan'thandlethis.Youhavetoturnaroundandbebackwhereit'ssafe.Butwhatifyouturnaroundandyou haveapanicattackonthewaybackhome?Thenyou'llbestuckandnoonecancomeandsaveyou.Youshouldn'thavetohavesomeonetocometoyourrescue;youshouldbeabletodothisalone.Whatifyoufindajob?Howwillyoumakeittoworkeachdayifyoucan'tevendrive7milesawayfromhome?You'renevergoingtogetthroughthis.Itwouldbebettertodiethantohavetolivewiththistherestofyourlife.You'reuselesstosocietyifthiskeepshappening...."

About 5 minutes after getting back to my house, I was completely fine. My hands and face weren't tingling anymore, my breathing was calm again, but my mind was still racing: "You'll never be able to leave the house again. What are you going to do when Lifeline starts up again? What will you do when you're needed at Most High? You're an invalid."

I sat on my couch and began to cry, thinking that I have been defeated for good. There was a part of me that wanted to just give up and be sad and put my entire life on hold and check into a mental ward, but there was also a part of me that knew that, as tired of dealing with this as I am, I still need to fight. I've been reading the Psalms quite often lately, and I think that if I were a Bible character, I would be David. David was sometimes paralyzed with fear (Psalm 143:4). David also never gave up; he continued to fight. He trusted in God as his refuge. I know that's what I need to do, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how to do that. I'm going to keep a daily (or as close to daily as I can get) log outlining how I'm approaching healing from anxiety and panic attacks. Maybe throughout this process, I'll learn how I'm trusting God as well as how I'm not trusting Him.

Today I'm starting by claiming Isaiah 41:10-12 [Amp]:

10Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.(A)
11Behold, all they who are enraged and inflamed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; they who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish.
12You shall seek those who contend with you but shall not find them; they who war against you shall be as nothing, as nothing at all.

I love the promise that my enemy (fear) will perish and be so dead that even I look for it, I won't find it. I like The Message translation which says that my enemy won't even be a memory to me!

Keeping these things in mind, I'm going to get in my car again today; I'm going to drive down the Beltline (this is where most of the panic attacks happen) to Fulton, and then I'm going to turn around and come back. Tomorrow I'll try to go farther.

This has to stop...it just has to stop...

Releasing Control

I never thought that at 28 years old I would ever feel as helpless as I do. Two years ago, I had control of my life. I bought a house and paid my mortgage on time every month; I had just gotten a promotion at work and was in good standing; I had a great social life; I invited in and removed people from my life at my will; I was beginning to understand who I was. Little did I know how much God would makeover my life.

Out of necessity, I will be putting my house up for sale again soon; I have lost my job; I have suffered a week and a half straight with panic attacks. From the outside, it doesn't make any sense that I should be suffering any sort of anxiety. My dreams are coming true! I met the man I have been dreaming of since I was very young, and he loves me. I am spending my days taking care of the house and volunteering. I've been able to do life at my own pace, spend some more time with my dog, read books, write, spend some quality time with God...yet I'm still having panic attacks...and I've become helpless.

I've begun setting timers that remind me to eat and to breathe. I am literally retraining myself to eat and breathe. I don't spend much time alone outside of my "safety zones." I don't drive myself more than 5 minutes away from home. Yesterday, I lost all knowledge of who I am and what my purpose and value are.

I'm painting a very bleak picture of my existence, I know, but if I take a step back in my sane moments (this being one of them), I am able to see some beautiful changes taking place. It feels like I'm losing control of my life. But there is no choice in losing control. I have chosen to RELEASE control of my life. You see, two years ago, I convinced myself that I didn't need anyone. If someone offered help in moments or seasons of poverty, despair, or desperation (if I would even allow them to see it), I would reject it. I know that if I had to be alone in my life for some reason, I would be fine, but the truth that I need to accept is that God has surrounded me with people who love me and who are able to fill my life with their strength where I am weak. Who am I to shove these people, these blessings, from my life? It would be like a business owner trying to run all aspects of the business--accounting, marketing, management, sales, maintenence--on his own. The business would collapse. And I will collapse if I don't trust others to help me with certain aspects of my life.

I realize that it is no one else's responsibility but my own to keep my life running, but I am so grateful for the gifts that my friends and family willingly and lovingly and graciously bring to my life.

Weekend Plans: Live Life!

For the last three days I have been completely jobless. I have stayed at home, sleeping, cleaning, reading, spending time with God. I have also job-searched and asked God for guidance. Even though I have been learning over the last few months that God reveals His plan for my life in His own time, at His perfect pace, step by small step, in His unquestionable faithfulness, I keep finding myself asking Him, "What should I do?" What should I do?

For the last couple of months, Tom and I have been working through all the aspects of a new relationship. We've written our rule books, chastised our hearts and minds, thrown out the rule books, reasoned with our anguished hearts, souls, and spirits. We've asked God for guidance. Even though He has told us we can't do this alone, we still ask, "What should we do?"

Yesterday God laid it on my heart to pray over Tom for a renewed heart and mind. This morning, Tom told me that he didn't have to convince himself that something has changed or will change; he just knew it had changed.

That is faith at work! It's not easy, but it IS simple! Take God at his word or don't bother claiming that you trust Him at all, "...because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him" (Hebrews 11:6). I realize that's a bold thing to say, but so often we pray a desperate prayer with undertones of "Lord, if you can/want to......" If? There is no "if!"

"For NOTHING is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37).

Contrast that with Hebrews 11:6, "And without faith it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God..."

So, what should I do? I should step aside and let God work. I should praise Him in this season because he came that I might have Life and enjoy it! (John 10:10).

...and that's what I plan to do this weekend at the cabin. I'm going to risk believing that I am going to enjoy God, friends, and creation! I am going to drink up, soak in, and pour out Life!

Thoughts before bed

I have been very moody since I lost my job. My poor boyfriend can attest to this. Thank God for him, though! He's been amazing through all of it. I'm constantly humbled by his example of unconditional love. Ah, yes...I am blessed!

So, as I was saying, I've been moody. One day I'm pressing forward, searching diligently for a full-time job. The next day I'm not sure what I want. The next day, I accept whatever may come my way. The next day, I'm in full panic mode. Today, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with a lot of things...mostly myself. I never really cared that much about my job, but it's interesting to see how, little by little, over the span of 4 1/2 years, I began to define myself partially by my job. My job gradually became a product of my hard work and dedication. They couldn't deligate my job to just one person--it was distributed among 3 people. But that's beside the point. My job began to define a part of me. Now it's gone. On the one hand, that's really exciting. Now when people ask me what I do I can tell them I read and write and enjoy beauty. I spend time traveling between Grand Rapids, Port Huron, Hale, and Valparaiso in order to gather with family and friends. I barbeque most Wednesdays with Thomas, and I host a Bible study at my house on Tuesdays. I can tell them that I daydream now and can actually see some of my dreams coming true. And when people ask me what I'm going to do next, I tell them I have no idea...and I'm totally fine with that.

But then there are times when I'm not totally fine with that. I can say all those things about dreaming and doing and barbequing, but that's because right now I have a bit of a reprieve. I'm working on a project for the company for 2 more months, then I have 1 month of severance. I wonder where I'll be the day before my severance runs out. A part of me would really really like to know, but that part only wants to know if what is to know is that I'll be able to pay my bills and still have some money left over. The other part of me wants to hide and pretend like everything is just as it was and there's nothing to worry about.

I suppose both parts are important and should be given equal stage time. I really honestly truly believe that everything will be alright. I can accept that there may come a time when I won't be able to pay my bills, or that my house will go into foreclosure or that I might have to skip a couple meals a week, but again, I really honestly truly believe that none of that will happen because God feeds the birds and clothes the grass of the field (Matthew 6:28-31), so there's really no reason for me to think he wouldn't take care of me too (Matthew 6:30). So I really don't have anything to worry about. Both parts of the thought put together kind of look like faith. I think that's what this time in my life is about--developing a deeper faith. What a great opportunity!

Well, there was much more to say, but frankly it's late and I'm exhausted, so I'm ending it there.

Good night.

Interviews are dumb

It's funny...I was looking through the blogs that I follow, and no one has really written since spring came around. I guess as Midwesterners, we write in the winter and come up with things to write about in the summer. I believe I will have a lot to write about this winter :)

For right now, an update for anyone who cares to know.

I have joined 14% of Michiganders in unemployment. My official last day in my position is the 24th, then I have one month of severance, then it's off to the unemployment line! I'm not calling it unemployment, though. I'm calling it temporary early retirement :) But really, the whole situation is less dismal for me than it is for some. I have one sure thing which I can't disclose publicly at this time, and I also have an interview tomorrow morning for a credit analyst position with a company that manufactures operating room equipment. Seems like a good industry to go into at this time. And the job sounds like the challenge I've been looking for. I can't really talk about this without giving credit to my incredible man. Within an hour of getting let go from my job, he had called this company (he's a former employee) and inquired about open positions, found this job for me, and got the names of the people I needed to talk to. I drove straight from Comcast to this place (it's just down the road), talked to some people, sent my resume in that day, got a pre-interview the following week, and a face-to-face interview the week after that. So, in two weeks I've made it farther than some make it in a few months. This is so entirely a God thing! What's even better is that God has given me such peace about this whole situation. If you know me well, you know that peace in these types of situations is not something I come by easily. But I'm at the point where if I don't get this job, I'm ok with that too.

So there you have it...

Life Update

So, an update on my life....



I'm happy.



My life is different, but I'm not afraid (for a change).



I've managed to meet an incredible guy. Even though I've said it about every other guy I've been with recently, I'm going to say it about him too...he may actually be THE ONE. Of course I say that and at the same time I'm thinking, "Yeah, right. You've said that about all the other ones too."



But this one is different. "Aren't they all?"



But really...from beginning to the present this one is different. First of all, the night I met him I thought that he had no interest in me. In fact, he seemed very annoyed by me, so I figured I had made a horrible first impression, and therefore had nothing to lose by being completely "Alissa" in front of him. I didn't care if I impressed him or not...I was just...me:)



My "Alissaness" may have interested him a little, but according to him, it wasn't until I shared my testimony and my passion for God that he was hooked. While we took turns encouraging another friend at the table with testimonies and Bible verses, I also began to think he was pretty interesting, but shoved off any chance of ending up with a guy like this.



When the night ended, one of the girls who was hanging out with us suggested that we all exchange phone numbers. After we all exchanged phone numbers, I got in my car, put on my seat belt, and shifted into reverse when my phone rang. It was him calling from across the parking lot. I thought I had dropped something or left something at the restaurant. I picked up the phone and said, "Tom Case, why are you calling me? I'm 10 feet away." (I found out later this dashed his confidence...he had only given himself a 40% chance with me to begin with). Then he asked me something, to which I replied, "Hold on a second. I can't hear you." (My music was too loud). So he asked again, "Do you want to go out to coffee with me?" I promptly replied, "yes," and the rest is history.



The following Monday we went on our date, which I wasn't even sure was a date until about the day before. As it turns out, we didn't have coffee, but we had about the most perfect first date imaginable! We went to the state park on Lake Michigan, walked a trail to the dunes, jumped down and ran up the giant dunes, and then sat by the water during sunset and talked until the moon was bright in the sky.



Yeah...



So, here I am. Happy. Trying to enjoy "happy" but also feeling quite suspicious about it. When does everything come crashing down around me? Is it ok to feel this happy? Thankfully, I've enjoyed every moment of it, but never without that cynical voice lingering somewhere in the background.



I'll take it one moment at a time...and I'll love every second of it!

Control Freak: How do I get from here to there??

I'm not sure when I began to think that I had to keep all my problems to myself. I used to wear myself on my sleeve, and I allowed people to minister to me. I never used to pretend that everything in my life was fine--that I was happy, that I had enough money, that I was healthy, that I was strong enough to handle things on my own, that I had it figured out, and if I didn't, I could figure it out, that everything was under control, that I was trusting God. The truth is, my friends, I have hit one of those walls in life that knocks you out and causes you to believe you may never get back up. I know the truth of my situation and my struggle--that God is above it, that He has the victory, and therefore, so do I--but that makes it no less of a struggle.

The week that Chris died I couldn't eat, so I didn't work out and I slept more during the day and less at night. So, you could say that this all came to a head the following week when everything started catching up with me. However, I can't imagine that after taking such good care of myself for so long that one week could knock me down completely. Something must have taken root in me long ago--something that drains the life from me whenever I am filled. I'm not sure what else it could be other than my constant grasping for control.

Rachel told me a while ago that she thought the control issue was the root of my anxiety. I agreed. I still do. I think I even was able to let go of control once or twice over the year. Issue solved, right????.......... The whole process of giving up control should be easy. It's so logical: I do not own my life; there are things I can't control; if I can't control them, then I'm wasting time and energy maintaining my death-grip on them; wasting time and energy is unpleasant and leads to stress, multiple panic attacks, fear of losing control; so, let go of your grip! Here's another logical statement: if you don't have control over something whether or not you hold on to it, wouldn't it be better just to let go of it? Yes! Very logical! Unfortunately, I must not have a brain or something, because that argument doesn't just seal the deal for me.

So, here I am again, or at least I think I'm here. I have suffered three panic attacks in the last week. I have taken more days off of work than I've been there and I will be taking half days for the rest of the week, partly in order to keep living my life while also having time to reflect, pray, seek God whole-heartedly, and hopefully just "be." But I'm also taking this time because I'm afraid. I'm too afraid to live life normally right now. I'm too weak. I'm too beside myself to even hear God in the noise of the familiar everyday.

I've hit a wall, been knocked out, and right now I'm having trouble getting back up. No doubt I'll stand up and walk again, but I will walk differently. Will I walk with a crutch and therefore limp for the rest of my life, or will I leap and dance and run just like the man who was healed by Jesus?

I don't want to limp for the rest of my life. But right now, I'm having trouble just standing.

How do I get from here to there?

Just in case I die

I'm young, I don't have much material worth, and I don't have any kids, so I never really thought about what should happen with the "stuff" I have should I die. My house has no sentimental value, so you can leave everything in it and burn it for all I care. As of today, I have $9.94 in my savings and $5.23 in my checking account. This might be enough for my family to have some Starbucks on me! Enjoy!

No one really likes my dog, but I love her, so if no one wants to take her, please make sure she ends up with a loving and patient family. She would happiest if she had lots of land to run around on all day long.

Probably the one thing you'll want to salvage from my bookcases is my journals. I believe there are 10 journals upstairs, and there might be more in the basement. I'm going to warn you now that some of the stuff you read could be shocking to you. But maybe I don't hide as much as I think I do.

Since grieving through visitations and funerals is not my way of grieving, I would rather you didn't do that. But if that helps my family with their grieving, then by all means, drain my blood, fill my body with embalming fluid, sew my eyes and my mouth shut, layer my face and hands in makeup, lay me in a box, and weep over my "body." Then please cremate my body. I know it will be hard to let go of the ashes, but please spread some over Lake Michigan by the beach at Frankfort. I have some wonderful memories of our time there as a family as well as the time I spent with God by the water (see journal entries from July 17, 2008-July 20, 2008). Then contact Andrew and go to deer camp and spread some ashes there. I found so much peace there. As you know, peace is something that was hard for me to come by. I would have you spread some in the pool in our backyard in Valpo, but that would be weird. I think it is pretty obvious that home was a haven for me. I also had some defining moments with God back there (see blog entry from September 2, 2008). Once the ashes are gone, let that be it. Move on. Throw away everything. Don't keep my blankey, don't save my body spray so that you can smell it when you miss me, throw my clothes away or burn them, don't leave everything just as I left it. Clean it up, sweep it out (unfortunately, if I die at the end of a busy week, there will be a lot of cleaning to do. Sorry about that. It's on the list for tomorrow). Don't torture yourself with the stuff that reminds you of me.

I hope I made a good impression on earth. I hope that I wasn't mean to you or that I blew you off or didn't notice you when I should have. I hope that I left you feeling special. I hope that I didn't get in the way of God blessing your life through me. Please know that when I told you I love you, I really meant it. Even if I told you that and I didn't know you very well, I still REALLY meant it. God has filled my heart with love for just about everyone.

If I die before Monday, tell my date I was really looking forward to talking to him. A bunch of us, including him, had a great conversation on Tuesday that filled both of our hearts with such joy and purpose that we wanted to continue sharing our passion for God with each other.

Tell my coworkers that I loved them all. Laura and Cathy were like sisters to me. We all took turns having "weepy" days, and we were always there for each other. They especially were there for me (I think I had a "few" more weepy days than either of them. Tell them I'm sorry I was such high maintenence sometimes). Other than that, I already told them this week that I love them. Again, I really meant it.

I had a special place in my heart for Mary. Make sure she knows that I loved her. I don't think enough people love her.

Tell Steve I love him too (I think I already told him, but I just want to make sure he knows that). We were very different spirits. I was afraid of him at first because he seemed so dark, but we ended up being great friends. I appreciated his honesty and even his cynisism (sp?). If I don't finish the book he loaned me before I die, make sure he gets it back. It was The Stranger. I think it's in my car.

Thank Jim Miar for making me laugh and understanding me. I already got to tell him goodbye this week.

Tell Dickie and Meghan I loved them too. Thank them for the great memories of BBQ and Rock Band.

(Wow...I'm beginning to understand how acceptance speeches get so long.... I know this might be boring, but it's really important).

Make sure my closest friends--Kristin, Rachel, Annie, Elisa, Abby, Kate, Heather, Dianne, and Robin--know that they gave me hope and confidence.

Make sure my high-schoolers know I loved them all very much. They taught me a lot about myself. Make sure they are comforted. I want them all to have a firm grasp of who they are in Christ. Tell them it's ok to mourn my death, but please make sure they don't add it to their list of bad things that happened in their life. There is a wealth of good to drink up from this one bad thing.

I've already made peace with Andrew, JR, and Aaron. In case they didn't believe me, let them know that I am left with no more broken pieces; that I became a better, stronger person through them.

If people tell you that the reason I'm gone is because God wanted me with him, don't believe it. Life belongs to God, eternal life was mine to choose, and death belongs to the devil. Hate him for death. Love God for the life I found in Him.

If I die young, don't be too sad about that. I feel like my life is purposeful. My living has been intentional. I don't have any regrets. I am happy.

Chris Parker - May 17, 1974 - April 27, 2009

As I've been talking to people about Chris, I have found that they all felt the same way about him. He was the person everyone went out of their way to talk to; the day wasn't complete until you got to see him or laugh with him or hear him tell a story about one of his daughters.

I am so glad I had the chance to tell him what he meant to me.

Unfortunately, it took his death to make me realize some important life lessons: tell the people you care about how much you love them, always make time for them, and never put off any kindness because of the fear of vulnerability.

Thank you, Father, for the joy you brought to us each day through Chris!

Blank

Denial. You’re not gone. I won’t go to the funeral. That would make it too true.

Don’t die. Don’t be buried. Just come back.

Anger. Why did this happen? Why couldn't someone save him?

Blame. I should have told you to stop drinking so much Mountain Dew. It was my responsibility to tell you not to eat all that fast food.

Or maybe I shouldn’t have told you that your purpose in life was to make me smile, because you DID make me smile, and maybe that’s why you decided it was ok to go.

Just come back.

Dear Whoever,

Dear Whoever,

I will do whatever I can to make you believe that I am an air-brushed beauty queen. I will pluck, shave, and wax; apply, brush, condition, whiten, tan, dye, and moisturize; spritz, spray, scrub, and squeeze. I will take forever to do these things and I will take even longer to examine the results...and I will still find faults. But you will see results.

I will do whatever I can to make you believe that I am an angel. I will smile for the time that I'm around you, I'll be charming, witty, intelligent, and agreeable. I'll like your music, your TV shows, and your hobbies. Inside I will be tense, nervous, angry and resentful. I will have talked myself out of sharing my opinion a thousand times, I will have prayed a thousand times that God would give me the strength to continue being agreeable, and I will have forfeited one thousand pieces of my heart to give you everything...and I will become weaker every time. But you will feel loved.

And then a day will come when I'll be too exhausted to put up the front for you, so I will tell you that you're not right for me, and I'll never talk to you again. It's not fair, I know. But please be fair to me as well.

Please don't put me on a pedestal, don't expect too much from me, don't brag about me to your friends and family, don't call me a princess, don't tell me I'm perfect, don't picture me as your wife, don't tell me how wonderful you think I am. Please don't do these things...yet.

When you've seen me without makeup, unkempt, bloated, angry, anxious, and anguished and you still think I'm beautiful and you still think you love me, THEN you can tell me I'm beautiful and that you love me, and I will actually believe you.

I'm not saying that there isn't anything good about the true me. In fact, I have a lot of great qualities, but you have to wait a while to see them.

In the meantime, PLEASE do not indulge the person I'm trying to make you think I am.

Sincerely,

Alissa

Easter Weekend

I just got back from spending the weekend in Wheaton with my family--the first Easter since I really decided to live and walk daily with Christ. This Easter meant more to me than it ever has.

There were a few things that distracted me from my first Easter as a Christ-follower. First of all, I was not at my church where I knew they were rocking out and celebrating LOUDLY. I was at my parents' church which is much more traditional and quiet. There were a few times I wanted SO BADLY to clap or shout or say "amen" but had to sit quietly instead in order not to upset the status quo.

Secondly, the church was PACKED out. We (my brother, his girlfriend, and me) luckily found seats, but we were packed in so tightly that the entire row had to sit and stand at exactly the same time in order not to create a "squeezing an ice cube tightly between your fingers" effect upon sitting or standing.

Finally, as I mentioned above, I was sitting with my brother. It should be a law that we can't sit together in church. When we were younger, we used to fight. Now that we're older, we laugh. I mean, from the unenthused "He is risen. Hallelujeh" recited by the congregation to my stomach growling LOUDLY toward the end of the service, we were laughing.

However, the reverance and meaning of the day finally hit me during the last two hymns. The first was "In Christ Alone" by Stuart Townsend. The words "Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied;For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live" turned on the tears and it wasn't until the end of the Hallelujeh Chorus that my tears stopped.

As I stood there silently sobbing and discreetly wiping away tears, I was thinking about how my friend loved me so much that He died so that I wouldn't have to live in the bondage of fear, hopelessness, guilt, sin, or anger. On top of that, he did it without expecting that I would accept it. In fact, He did it knowing that I could full-out REJECT it or DENY it. But the small chance that I would accept it was worth the torture, torment, and humility that He inevitably had to endure in a human body on the cross. Whoa! No one will ever love me like that again! What an amazing gift!

Selah...

I do believe in love after all

Ok…yes…I know I’ve just sworn off marriage, but there’s something inside me that can’t give up completely. There HAS to be a good reason for getting married, and I think I may have found one. I fully realize the reason I’ve come up with may not be THE reason for getting married, but it’s the only reason I would get married. Mmkay? Let me try to explain.

I’ve explored 4 different reasons for getting married:

1.) it’s practical,

2.) being “in love” with a person,

3.) being in love with the idea of marriage, or

4.) the need to be fulfilled somehow.

Here are my “debunkments” (if that’s not a word, it should be. Someone call Webster right away!): getting married for practical reasons would be very disappointing because you’d be tied to someone that you might not even like FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE and the only thing you’d have in return is a little more financial stability…MAYBE.

Getting married because you’re “in love” will be a major disappointment the morning you wake up next to your hairy, stinky, tub-o-lard and realize that he hasn’t looked deeply into your eyes or bought you roses or taken you on a romantic date for years (Likewise, he might wake up next to his hairy, stinky, tub-o-lard and not remember the last time they had sex or the last time she laughed heartily at one of his jokes or a time when she didn’t give him a honey-do list every Saturday that there happens to be a very important game on TV).

Finally, getting married in order to feel whole will also prove a sore tragedy. I truly believe that wholeness comes from God alone, and to try to find that in a person is putting way too much of a burden on that person as well as the relationship.

After sorting through all these reasons and finding them all to have their shortcomings, I think I’ve finally found a good reason for getting married. It actually started when I got to thinking about why I go to church. To be perfectly honest, I go because I love the social aspect. I love going to a place where I can be with my friends and others, many of whom I have a connection with simply because we are brothers and sisters through Christ. There is something about fellowship with people who share Christ in common that revives me.

So, I took this idea of fellowship and ran with it (as I tend to do with all my little epiphanies). This idea of fellowship started with church and ended with home. But first, I had to ask myself what the most important thing in my life is, because whomever I marry will have to support that. For me, that’s my relationship with God. Next, how does fellowship encourage that? At church I’m encourged and lead in worship and reflection on my Creator. With my friends, I’m challenged to step up my faith walk and encouraged not to give up when things get hard. But what happens when I get home and I’m faced with the things that really clench and squeeze the life out of my soul and cause me to be less than what God created me to be? These are the things that are easy to bury and cover up for the few hours we spend each week with friends and acquaintances; these are the “unspoken” prayer requests at Bible study; these are the things we’ve buried so deep we hardly know anymore where the root is. This is where the role of a spouse comes in. A spouse—the person who knows you the best, who sees you at your worst, who knows what your life looks like when you’re Spirit is in turmoil and when it’s at rest—is much, much harder to hide these things from.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is this: if I get married, I will marry the one person who will dig for the root of sin that entangles me and distances me from God. He will call me out when my life isn’t reflecting God’s love. He will challenge my faith and encourage me to seek God first. I believe THIS is what tru love is about. And if this is what love is about, then I do believe in love after all.

Marriage is not for me!

I don’t believe marriage is for me anymore. I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t believe that kind of love, whatever it is, exists for me. I believe in the love family and friends have for each other. I believe in the type of love we have for our pets. And I certainly believe in the type of love I have for Papa John’s Garden veggie pizza!

The type of love I don’t believe in anymore is the type that is supposed to exist between a man and woman. I don’t believe it’s any different than any other type of love, and I don’t think marriage has any purpose besides practicality—money, sex, and children—don’t need it, don’t need it, don’t need it.

As far as the lovey-dovey, “I can’t live without you” stuff, I don’t trust it. It’s an illusion that makes you believe you’re with the person of your dreams so that you get married and end up being stuck with someone who, for the rest of your life, makes you feel average at best.
And if the marriage thing is about finding someone who takes care of you, I’ll have to pass. I don’t believe that anyone on earth could love me as much or more than I love myself. It’s IMPOSSIBLE for someone on earth to take care of me the way I can take care of myself. I have everything I need WITHOUT someone else. Plus, life is a heck of a lot less complicated when it’s just me. Why would I want to have to consider someone else every time I want to buy a pair of shoes or go out to dinner? And why would I want to have someone in my life to worry about? I have enough worries of my own; I don’t need to have someone else’s worries burdening me. It’s just all very unnecessary if you ask me.

I know how this all sounds: it sounds like someone who has been dumped. I’ll give a little on that one, but I think it’s what I’ve learned since then that has affected my point of view more than the actual act of being dumped. You see, I found out that I was waiting for the perfect guy to come into my life before I decided to take care of myself, but then I realized that I didn’t have to wait (I know…I’m a little slow). I started serving myself the way I would serve my family if I had one. I keep my house clean now and I plan, make, and serve myself dinner every night at the dinner table…and I never complain about what’s for dinner! I make sure that I’m at activities on time and I clip coupons. The only thing not in the equation is someone else to complicate things. I’m still complete and completely satisfied. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. In fact, I feel like I’d miss out on a whole lot more if I were married!

I don’t believe in love and marriage. You can tell me what it’s about all you want, but as long as it’s just talk, talk, talk, I will never believe it. The only way I can believe that having someone to share my life with is better than what I have now is if someone proves it.

Good luck…

Broken Hearts

A broken heart really is like nothing else. I'm almost positive it's about as close to death as you can be without actually being dead, and that's why most people avoid it. There are those that act like everything is just fine, and there are those that wear the broken heart on their sleeve. Then there are those like me...they die. I died...or at least I was as close to death as I could be without actually being dead...I slept as much as I could, I didn't eat, I went numb, I didn't feel or think, at times I even stopped breathing. My friends and co-workers said I even looked pale and lifeless. In fact, many people actually welcomed me back when I finally shook it!

So yeah, I loved hard knowing that if it failed, I would also fall hard....and I fell really hard...but only for a while. It happened last Monday night and I was beginning to live again by Wednesday afternoon. I don't know what happened really, but I guess I just embraced it.

I can't go back; I can only move forward.

I was fabulous when I was with someone and I'm fabulous without him!

And I can't say that I regret anything! I didn't get a friend out of the deal, but I got away with some other great things that I'm not sure I would have gained so quickly had I not met him. Through him, God taught me the value of gratitude, showed me a great example of servanthood, and most of all, helped me be less afraid of everyday life. So, if that was the purpose of having a great guy in my life only for a short period of time, then I have to say that walking with the pain for a while is worth walking with the gain forever.

Will someone please tell me....

WHAT WAS THE POINT?????????

Beginning to understand relationships?

For a while now I've been questioning what the point of relationships is. I've only recently begun to understand the purpose of friendships and even of aquaintanceships (is that a word?); but the guy-girl thing has been a complete mystery. However, I think that mystery is starting to unfold.

My friendships are valuable to me because they serve as outlets for me. They also give me a chance to practice First Corinthians 13 love. And lately, I've begun to see my friendships as another area in life in which to serve someone. The people I meet only once, and those people who I talk to occasionally at work or church give me a chance to build community and to serve. I've discovered lately that there is untold joy in serving others, no matter how small the act of service is--smiling at a stranger, saying hello to the outcast at work, asking a co-worker how their doctor's appointment went or how their kids are doing, allowing someone else to take the parking spot next to the door, opening the door for someone, etc etc etc. However, I could serve friends, aquaintances, and strangers all day but come home at night and somehow feel like I'm still missing something.

I love investing in other people's lives. I love to bring a smile to someone's face. I love spreading joy and hope and love and truth to those that I come in contact with. In return, I receive joy and purpose. But still something feels like it's missing. When I say that, though, I feel like I'm being selfish or ungrateful. Maybe I am, but I think I may also have begun to realize what the guy-girl relationship really means to me.

At the end of the day, I come home to an empty house, a list of chores (that do or do not have to be done since I'm the only one my mess affects), and my thoughts. Even though I have friends that I can hang out with or talk to any time, by nature, friends only invest so much into each others lives. A "significant other," by nature, has chosen to invest much deeper, more vulnerably, more raw and real into your life specifically.

My friendships and aquaintances have an overflowing influence in my life, but I'm still lonely. It is the one person whom I have chosen to invest my life in and who has chosen to invest their life in me that I believe can take that away.

Genesis 2:18

Proud

I ran my first 5K this morning! My goals were very very low:

Goal #1: Show up.
Goal #2: If you show up, run the race.
Goal #3: If you run the race, finish it.

I can be proud that I set and reached all my goals, but I probably should have set my sights a little higher, and I think I actually had some greater, unspoken expectations for myself because even though I reached all my goals I ended the race very disappointed in myself and sobbed the whole drive home. Why? Well, I totally psyched myself out...it began about 6 minutes into the race. Right before the race started, I began to feel like I had to pee. I thought it was just nerves and that it would go away...it didn't go away. So, I began thinking to myself, "It's COOL to pee your pants!" However, it was near freezing this morning, I knew that I would be totally miserable (not to mention humiliated) if I ran the race with wet pants. I mean, if you're a marathoner who is running in order to win, then it's totally acceptable to pee and/or poop your pants during a race--it's forgiveable and the prize money is a great consolation. However, if you are an every day runner running at the back of the pack who is just trying to prove to yourself that you can set a goal and stick to it, then it's not quite as acceptable. People would probably think I have mental problems (or perhaps bladder problems?). So 7 1/2 minutes after starting the race, I stopped at the school and used the restroom. After that, my positivity started diving..."Way to go. You're a failure. I can't believe you are going to come in last place just because you had to pee. I knew you would find some way to screw up." I tried to pick myself back up. Just as I was beginning to shrug off my pit-stop, I got a massive cramp in my side. I wasn't expecting this because I hardly ever get cramps when I run. It was so bad that I could hardly breathe...and I was less than two miles into the race. By the time the cramp went away, I was half mentally defeated and started to feel sorry for myself....no one was cheering me on, there would be no one to congratulate me at the end....just an enormous crowd of strangers.

Well, I finished the race. My body felt great at the end, but my mind was defeated. It wasn't until after I got home that I was able to pick myself up again. This really was NOT a big deal. Not something to get upset about. I entered the race for the experience only...and I got some experience, learned some lessons, and reached my goals. On top of that, I looked up my time online when I got back and found out that I clocked 36:34...and that's with having to go off course and take a pit-stop (plus, I took the time to wash my hands). I'm guessing that whole deal cost me about 7 minutes. If indeed it was 7 minutes, then I ran my fastest pace to date this morning!

Here's some things I learned:

1.) Have someone there to support you, whether they are on the side cheering you on or actually running with you.
2.) Go to the bathroom right before the race starts whether you feel like you have to go or not.
3.) Prepare mentally as much as you do physically.

Hopefully with these things in mind, I will be able to run a better 5K next month!

Whatever

I'd really like to comment about how I feel about my life right now, but it would honestly be such a hodge-podge of mumbo-jumbo and little smidge of poppy-cock, not to mention a healthy serving of self-pity and raw, inconsiderate emotion that I'm sure I would post this and regret it later. So, instead of painting a picture, I'll just give you the "colors."

limbo

sad

letting go of an illusion

angry at myself

angry at God

self-absorbed

unsure

ready to give up for good.

Trust God Instead

I've been cheating God and myself for the past month and a half. I've been trying to fool myself and God, but that only lasts for so long until the truth is buried so deep under a growing pile of lies that it makes you physically ill.

Last June, I wrote in my blog Single for a Year, "That nagging question 'What if Mr. Right comes along tomorrow?' occassionally enters my mind. The truth is that if he is 'Mr. Right' he'll still be around when God tells me it's ok to get into a relationship... As perfect as the relationship may seem to me, I am going to trust God instead."

Honestly, right now I regret writing that. I regret believing it. I regret committing to it. Despite my present regret, though, I KNOW that I spoke that out of wisdom and clarity. When I look back, there are very few times in my life when I really felt like I made a good and right decision, but that day was one of those very rare days.

Since then, my heart has been swept away by a wonderful guy that appears to be able to offer me the type of relationship I've always dreamt of. It's hard to think clearly when all your dreams seem to be unfolding right in front of your face. However, Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways, know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths." There was a reason for my committment to being single for a year. God knew the depth of that committment and has and is holding me to it. He knew that Aaron would come along. He knew that I would be swept away. He knew that I would have to face today--the day I would realize that I have not been true to my committment and, as a result, would have to put a relationship on hold.

If I haven't learned anything else in the last few months, the one thing I have learned is that no matter how much it hurts to let go of someone, no matter how hard it is to wait on God's timing, no matter how little sense a decision seems to make, trusting God provides a peace that heals.

May those words, "...I am going to trust God instead" always be the deciding factor....

I am completely...

exhausted...

confused...

numb...

curious...

angry...

annoyed...

over-analytical...

irrational...

in need of a hug.

Saturdays

Weekends are great, huh?

I can't think of anything better than waking up 4 hours later than normal and going to bed 16 hours later wearing the same clothes you woke up in and have been wearing all day long.

There's nothing more relaxing than watching the same movie three times in one day at different times of the day, or reading a hundred pages of a new book, or stuffing your face full of comfort food all day long.

It's nice to have the chance to get bored.

It's carefree to not have a plan or a list of things to do. I like being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it...

...I just never realized before how lonely I was...

Life Lessons I've Learned Through Running

* Keeping a steady pace sometimes feels difficult and boring, but you always feel better in the end.

* Short people have to put in twice the effort that tall people do.

* If you stop running, it's hard to start up again.

* When the goal seems so far away and things start getting tough, look up.

* If you and your running partner don't make each other better runners, drop him/her.

* Reaching the goal is worth the pain it takes to get there.

* When you think you can't go on, keep running.

* Never spit into the wind.

Big Plans

Ok. I'm back again and I'm a little more *eh hem* sane this time.

I've decided to just accept the way I feel, yet continue to make right choices. This way, I don't have to continue being an "either/or" person--that person that overanalyzes every decision or feeling, and never feels settled or has closure.

For way too long, I've told myself to either think or feel; either dive in completely, or pretend it doesn't exist; either be the best, or don't try at all. Over the last year or so, I've been trying to be more balanced in my approach to life. This new guy in my life is forcing me to actually BE balanced instead of just thinking about it. My initial struggle in this situation was either bag the year-long commitment, or bag the guy. I didn't want to decide either way, so I tried to make the decision his. I tried to scare him away. I told him he would have to wait 5 months before I could go on a date with him; he said he'd wait a year if he had to. I told him I have an anxiety disorder; he said he wants to help me through it. I told him I would be testing him; he told me to test away! I told him I was trying to scare him away; he said I'd have to try harder. Before him, I either took the hardest approach to an event in my life or the easiest. With him, I'm realizing that one event in life can be a combination of struggle and ease in order to come to pleasant conclusion. It's a struggle to wait 4 more months to share my heart and my life with him, but the price we pay now will be worth the friendship and trust we will build over this time.

Anyway, I hadn't actually planned on sitting down and writing about him. My original idea really seems quite trivial now...boring actually...but on I go! My plans for this evening:

-Be lazy.

-Do not get in comfortable clothes. Get comfortable in the clothes you're in.

-Slam a couple Cokes.

-Eat a Little Ceasar's Hot-N-Ready pizza. (Incidentally, it was hot, but not ready, which is unfortunate since I was really hungry and wanted it fast, but then when I got it home, it was too hot to eat right away, so I had to wait even longer before partaking. I'm going to market the new "Cooled-off-N-Ready" pizza).

-Soak in a hot bath like a beached whale (Hm...I guess that doesn't make much sense, but, oh well, that leads me to the next thing on the list...

-Don't hit "backspace." Go with the flow).

-Curl up with the puppy and read a good book.

-Play guitar (This has been on the list almost every day for the last 6 years and has yet to happen. Very sad, indeed. I used to love playing).

-Write a blog (check!)

-Put off grocery shopping and cleaning the house until tomorrow (check!)

-Make two lists: what I need at the store and what I can afford at the store.

And there you have it! The ordinary Friday night of an introverted bachelorette and her scared-stiff puppy dog.

It's a'ight. I'm diggin' it...

Frantic

I've been feeling too much and thinking way too much to stay calm anymore, so this is going to be almost completely stream of consciousness hubbub for the next few minutes. The only way I can console myself right now is to "blah" and keep "blahing" until this goes away.

Feeling? Feeling what? Love, or something like it?? More likely, I'm enamoured. I'm completely swept off my feet. All this "feeling" while my brain is telling me that it is impossible that he is so great, that I could know (or think I know?) that he's perfect for me after only a month. This all must be a joke. When I look back at my "list" *check check check* it's all there! How can that be?? I'm an optimist when things are going badly, but when things are good, like really good, like this, I'm a total pessimist. I'm waiting for something to hit the fan. I'm just waiting for it all to crumble into a million tiny pieces. But seriously, it's like I went to the "Build-A-Mate" store and customized a mate for myself. Is this a total blessing from God, or a cruel joke?

By the way, remember that snide blog about finding Superman?? Well, his middle name is "Clark." Cruel! Cruel! Cruel!

*breathe*

Ok...I don't really feel much better. Rachel, call me.

Mr. Right

Waiting is easy until you find what you’re waiting for…

Nearly 7 months ago, I declared that I would be single for a year. I was determined to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT. If a guy I thought was “Mr. Right” came along, he would have to wait (see entry from June called “Single for a Year”). There’s a part of me that knew someone would come along during the year that would make me want to try to wriggle myself out of this commitment. I was right.

So far he’s everything I want and need in a guy. And whether it’s God’s fulfillment of my heart’s desire or it’s a trick of the devil, he even has all the unimportant things I wanted in a guy, but didn’t require – drives a pick-up, was in the Air Force, is handy, can cook, clean, and do laundry, and is extremely...(how should I put this?)…well, he gives Brad Pitt a run for his money. And here’s the kicker…I told him about my commitment to being single for a year and he said he would wait for me—5 months, 1 year, however long I need! He seems too good to be true. Mom always said, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
Right?

So, I have my guard WAY up.

I WILL FULFILL THE COMMITMENT I MADE TO GOD AND TO MYSELF!

I WILL NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING.

Although I have nothing to base this on, I doubt he’ll be around in 5 months. But I have to trust that God knew this guy would come along before my commitment was up. Maybe this guy is just a test…or maybe he’s…………...NO! I have to remind myself that I’ve thought that about every decent guy that has come along, and so far I’ve been wrong 100% of the time! I guess the only thing I know for sure is that I don’t know anything…

…and that I must keep waiting…

Of course '09 will suck, but...

I'm not gonna lie; 2008 had some really bad moments--bad break-up, bad housing market, bad panic attack. The irony of it all is that the things that sucked in '08 are the same things that rocked about '08. The break-up led to lessons in forgiveness, the bad housing market led to lessons in contentment, and the panic attacks and anxiety led to a lesson in letting go of control.

All in all, 2008 was a great year for me! That's why 2009 is not about ridding myself of the old and starting afresh. It's about continuing to grow in the wisdom that 2008 brought. I don't think I'll be at all surprised by anything in the New Year. Of course, 2009 will suck just like 2008 did, but I'm positive that as a redeemed child of God, the bad, the difficult, the dreaded, the horrific, and all the terrifying moments that await me in 2009 will be redeemed by God's goodness.

Happy New Year!