Waiting for Superman

So, I've been snowed in pretty much since Friday. It's cold, snowy, but also quite peaceful (when I'm not digging myself out of 3 feet of snow every 2 hours). Being snowed in with a dog and no human contact has refreshed my "loner" side. I've actually enjoyed being alone; I've really enjoyed doing nothing! In fact, I've come to realize that if I had the choice between going out and hanging out with a bunch of people or staying home by myself and watching a movie or reading a book, about 99% of the time, I would rather stay home.

But I'm confused. Just a few months back, I wanted to always be doing something. I loved having a busy schedule. Meeting new people and hanging out late on a "school night" was fun and refreshing. Oddly enough, at that time, I took a personality test that showed I was introverted--"Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving," to be exact, and I thought "No way! I'm not introverted by any means." Well, it has caught up with me. It started with grunting and groaning to get myself out of the house. Gradually, I began to find that being busy 5 out of 7 nights a week exhausted me. Then I started finding ways to get out of leaving the house. Now I'm perfectly comfortable loafing in front of the TV at night with just my dog. Of course, while I sit here by myself in this cold house, not having spoken a vocal word to anyone in over 24 hours, yet still longing to have a good conversation with someone who is close to me, I wonder what kind of personality my future (if existent) husband should have. Should he be introverted, like me, so that I won't be forced out of the house when I don't want to be? Or should he be extroverted, so that I don't become a bored recluse? I guess I should fall back on past experience to answer this question. Here's the answer: I was formerly engaged to a fellow introvert. Formerly engaged. I don't think I can handle a relationship with someone who also would rather stay in 99% of the time because it's only when I'm trapped inside with one other person for a long period of time that I want to go out. But when I go out, I want that person to be with me. Anyway, this introvert-introvert combination did not work for me.

So, what kind of guy would best suit me? The answer, according to Facebook (and we all know that Facebook quizzes reveal the quintessence of who we really are), is Superman. Yes, Superman. Gee, that shouldn't be too difficult! Talk about setting the bar high. I guess once I start dating again, I will have to check them off the list if they can't fly me across the continent, or leap tall buildings, and especially if they can't wear tights, a cape, and underwear and look absolutely fabulous!

I won't get my hopes up.

Lessons

Lesson 1: If something has been in the refrigerator for almost a year, it is not necessary to open the container and smell it to see if it is throw away-able. I mean, seriously, even if it didn't smell like a turd covered in burnt hair, am I really going to eat something that has been in there for so long? Me thinks "no."

Lesson 2: If you clean out all the old smelly "food" from the fridge, and the fridge is empty when you are done, it may be time to go grocery shopping.

Lesson 3: If hanging out with people too many nights in a row is exhausting, it is probably best not to get a roommate.

Lesson 4: Sometimes telling someone how you feel about them eliminates the feeling altogether.

Lesson 5: Empathy to the degree that you vicariously feel the pain someone else feels really sucks.

Lesson 6: When I become too comfortable, I know it's a good time to remember a bad time. This way I remember why I'm thankful.

Lesson 7: Guys are trouble. Especially incredibly good-looking, strong, rustic, sweet, confident, interesting, funny ones that can turn an entirely crappy week into a great week in a matter of minutes... *sigh*

Lesson 8: The most important role in life is that of a character in God's story.

Truth in Simplicity

Life is complicated without us complicating it, yet for some reason we seem to be drawn toward complicating everything!

I caught a glimpse of the news this morning just as I was headed out to run. The story was about this whole deal with legalizing gay marriage. Some people were angry, some were "cautiously optimistic" about the eventual legalization of gay marriage.

I read a Newsweek article online today that defended gay marriage using the Bible. (Incidentally, two authors were needed to come up with enough BS to complete the article!)

I had a discussion with a group of people tonight about heaven, pre-, post-, and omni-milleniallism (sp?), spirit, soul, and body and what we are in heaven, yada yada yada.

I pushed someone's buttons about tax policy just because I knew it would stir him up (sorry your facebook was the soapbox, Aunt Linda :) ).

I have opinions about all these things, some strong, some vulnerable. To be honest, the only thing I got out of watching the news, reading the article, discussing theology, and questioning politics is confirmation that God is who he says he is. God IS. That's all that matters.

...pretty simple, huh?

Advent Conspiracy

I saw this at Lifeline tonight. I thought it was pretty darn cool. Take a look. It's only 2 minutes.

Abundant Life

I love this verse from John.

John 10:10

"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)."

After I read this verse, I have to ask myself if I'm living an abundant life. For the most part, I'm enjoying my life. Last year was the first time in my life I can remember actually being happy to be alive. But am I living it in abundance, to the full, until it overflows?? Jesus said that he came to give me that kind of life, so I believe that to be true. But if I'm honest with myself, I would have to say that right now I'm not living an abundant life.

Of course, I also have to ask myself what an abundant life looks like for me. Abundant life is not getting everything I want and never having anything bad happen to me. In fact, I feel like the most abundance has come through hardship. So, I think abundant life simply means trusting God. It means accepting that bad or even annoying things will happen, like having anxiety every time I leave the house, gaining weight, being single for the rest of my life, losing my health, losing someone I love, or losing everything I own, but knowing--body, mind, and soul--that somehow God can make abundance from brokenness.

Right now my life appears to be ok. I'm going through the motions. I go where I'm expected to be. I push myself to go places and do things even when I'm afraid to leave the house. But when I go out and I'm scared to death and I'm around a lot of people, I check out. Physically I'm there, and something inside me (soul?) wants to break out and enjoy the people around me and every sight, sound, and smell, but some other part of me (mind) has locked myself inside myself. It's like for the last however many years, I've only seen everything through a screen of anxiety. Everything even appears to be a shade of gray....

I'm not living an abundant life, but I know that I can. I know that I need to trust God more. There are some things I have no problem trusting him with. I can trust him when my heart is broken and I can trust him when I have no money and no food in refrigerator because I've been in these situations and he has reformed the broken pieces. But how do I trust him with a fear that has infiltrated EVERY part of my life? Even trust?

I don't know how it will happen, but I'm determined to live an abundant life.

Soul with a mind, living in a body

I am a soul that has a mind and walks around in a body....

I've had to remind myself of this over and over again in the past few weeks. For so many months, I was on such a spiritual high that I didn't really care about all the dumb (but completely normal) stuff I used to care about like my weight, the way I looked, relationships with guys, etc. My focus was on God and doing what He wants me to do. I guess it all started to come back when I started to feel comfortable...like I have a "niche." Now all that old stuff is back.

I'm tempted to say that's just "normal," but I'm not comfortable calling that normal for me as a Jesus follower. In his book The Green Letters, Miles Stanford quotes J.E. Conant who said, "Christian living is not our living with Christ's help, it is Christ living His life in us." Stanford follows up by quoting Paul in the book of Philippians where he said, "For to me to live is Christ" and, "I can do all things through Christ." The way I understand it is this: First of all, my life is only a part of God's story, it's not MY story. Secondly, I am a human made of flesh, so obviously I will have these feelings and desires and disappointments, but my true self, me as a new creation, is Christ in me, or my soul. My soul is the only TRULY living part of me and it's the only thing that will continue to live. All the other cares will pass away. But even knowing that doesn't make the other crap go away because I'm still a dag-gum human being! All this brings me to the unfortunate conclusion that I have to stop avoiding negativity at all costs and learn how to deal with it as a soul instead of as flesh. For instance, I've gained 10 pounds since July. The flesh part of me feels horrible and thinks I'm not attractive anymore and will sacrifice my health to lose the weight. The soul part of me, the true part of me, wants to be healthy, delights that God made me just the way he wants me to be and that He thinks I'm beautiful and that's all that matters. Now the question is: How do I get my brain on the soul side? It was effortless when I was on a spiritual high, but how do I do that now that the vacation is over? The Bible says, "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind," but how do I do that?

There's a lot here to puzzle myself over, but knowing that my new self is Christ in me, I know that I don't have to be deceived into believing that anything else truly matters except God's story.

I am a soul that has a mind and walks around in a body.

Black What???

While millions of people stood in line in the dark hours before the retail stores opened, I was wrapped tightly in a heavy, warm quilt on Grandma's living room sofa.

While millions of people breathed each other's air in crowded aisles and stood in long check-out lines, I walked along the gravel roads that lie between yellow fields that stretch out into the infinite sky and breathed the freshest air I've breathed for almost a year.

If you ask me, I got the best deal of the season on black Friday.

Scattered thoughts and Cardboard Testimonies

Man, I've sat down here to write about 4 times since Friday and I can't seem to complete a thought. So, here are some thoughtlets:

1.) Probably one of the greatest disservices someone can do God and other people is try to appear perfect. Of course, this is a slap in God's face because He's the only one who is perfect. The more I try to appear perfect, the less of God people see in me. Let's say I do something stupid like say something mean about someone and they find out and approach me about it. I could try to save my perfect reputation and lie about it, or I could just come out and say, "Yeah, I said that. I was in a bad mood and I let it get the best of me. I'm really sorry. I hope you can forgive me." Which scenario are people more likely to see Jesus in? The one where I ALWAYS appear to do and say the right thing, or the one where I screw up, but take the difficult and humiliating road of...well, humility, which I could never do without Christ???

2.) I've been really busy lately. It's not been "bad" busy...I've actually had a lot of fun. However, I'm finding that even "fun" busy is still busy and wearing. If I don't have time to think through the events of the day, all my thoughts, feelings, impressions, etc. get jumbled up into a big anxiety ball...that's right...and anxiety ball. I need time to process, rest, and sometimes even get bored.

3.) I participated in a cardboard testimony thing at church on Sunday. It was extremely powerful to see a display of what people struggled with before Christ and then to see how Christ changed them. One of the most touching for me was a guy who had "I have MS" on one side of his board, and on the other side he wrote, "God is My Savior." The "M" in "My" and the "S" in "Savior" were underlined. Another guy wrote "Addicted to Porn" on one side, and on the other, "Addicted to God." It was hard to find a dry eye in the audience. I'm sure there are a number of reasons people were so touched by the testimonies. For one, it's awesome to see exactly how God has changed a person. But also, I think a lot of people were convicted. So often we go to church and bury our sorrows, afflictions, and addictions, or we try to ignore them altogether. But when someone goes up to the front of the church and says, "Hey, look! I struggled with (porn, anger, loneliness, fear, insecurity, fill in the blank) every Sunday as I sat in these pews just like you. But I finally let God get a strong hold on me and now look...I'm free!" And the thing is, people think that if they are Christians, they shouldn't have strongholds. That's why they try to appear perfect or they try to ignore their problems. How can you ever begin to be set free from your problems if you keep ignoring them? God's not ignoring them...what makes you think you can?

This isn't from our church, but this is the type of thing we did:



Pretty amazing, huh?

If only work could be more like this...

Taking a "Splash" for Jesus!

After hearing that I was getting baptized, a guy from Union came up to me and said, "Glad to see you're making a splash for Jesus!" Very corny. I tried not to think about that comment while I was standing up there. That, along with all the other things I was afraid I would think about while I was up there, like: water wings, nose plugs, goggles, rubber duckies, making bubbles in the baptismal, being dropped, having to be double-dunked (This is not unheard of! Someone who was baptized last week had to be double-dunked, and someone who was baptized after me was double-dunked!).

Actually, I don't remember much about it once I got in the tub. Someone read my testimony...I don't remember hearing her speaking. All I remember was looking for family and friends, thinking how wonderfully warm the water was, and being confused about where I should put my hands.

Even though the baptism was only a symbol of the cleansing God has done in my life, it actually felt like a completion to this year of turmoil. I was only under water for a second, but it seemed much longer because while I was submerged in the warmth, silence, and darkness, I felt peace and, as silly as this sounds, a feeling that I was actually clean. In fact, I felt wrong about putting the old clothes back on that I had come in. It was a very emotional and symbolic thing for me...kinda like a wedding, I guess. It was great to have my family and so many of my friends there. A couple of my Lifeline girls even came! Yesterday is a day I won't forget!

My testimony will be available on the church website soon. Check it out if you're so inclined:

http://www.adabible.org/testimonies

If I had the chance to thank them all, I would

Thank you:

Jon Hazen
Adam Kohler
Adam Lippert
Brian Shotts
Bill Shotts
Ron Green
Robert Nickel
Caleb Key
Norm Fenton
Jason Roossien
Bobby Kiely
Bob Crans
Mike Berthold
Chris Parker

The Risk of Love

A friend of mine got fired. It happened on Friday, but I didn’t find out until I walked out of the coffee kitchen, which sits directly across from his cubical, and found his office completely empty. I expressed a few words of shock, grasped for any other explanation for why his office is empty--he switched cubes, maybe he was trying to straighten up his office, etc.--and finally was told “Yeah. It happened Friday.” Immediately, my throat tightened up and my head started to ache in front of unreleasable tears. I stomped into my office and screamed, “I can’t believe they fired Alan! I hate this place!”

This episode was not helpful to my issue with permanence. Everything tangible in life is also temporary, so that means that everything is temporary. The only things on this earth that are not temporary are emotions. So, if I’m hurt by someone or something, that lasts forever in some form or another. It’s hard to say the same of positive emotions, like happiness or love. It’s so easy to let hurt linger, but so difficult to let happiness linger, isn’t it?

Besides my friend getting fired, this issue has resurfaced because tomorrow my mom goes in for a procedure to have some abnormal cells removed from her cervix. The chance that she could get cervical cancer is extremely low, but I had already worked myself up into a frenzy before I researched the prognosis of mild dysplasia. I mean, if something happened to her, I know I could deal with it, but I don’t think it would be pretty. It’s hard enough on a day to day basis not to give up on “the narrow path.” Throw sickness and death in there and I can only hope that the habit of walking with God through difficult times will kick in. I believe it would. It’s just one of those things you don’t know if you can deal with until you have to deal with it.

But anyway, realizing that everything in my life is temporary makes me wonder if finding love, friendship, and acceptance on earth is even worth the risk. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Sometimes I seriously doubt that. Love may be worth it because you are enriching someone else’s life, but relationship may not be. I wonder if the two really go hand-in-hand. In my opinion, love is something you choose to do; in other words, it’s not a feeling….and I think the deepest feelings are formed through relationships.

It makes me wonder if I should ever get married, even if I wanted to. What if the pain of loss is stronger than the delight of love? I know that God is with me through all my hurts; I’ve experienced that. But wouldn’t it be better just to avoid hurt altogether? But then again, sometimes the pain of loneliness is worse than the pain of loss.

Maybe when I really begin to believe that, I’ll think about getting into a relationship. Until then, what about my relationships with my friends? I’m tempted to keep them at arm’s length, too. But maybe it’s the pain of loss or the possibility of loss that keeps us in check with God. Maybe I should just go all out with loving people, knowing that I will get hurt, but that God is bigger than my pain. Maybe I should be vulnerable since I know who I am in Christ, and knowing who I am in Christ means that I know that only He can love me perfectly, and that He is bigger than my pain.

Maybe the risk of love is worth the comfort I receive from Him when I hurt.

The Week in Review

Monday: Started the countdown to Friday. Nothing new.

Tuesday: I know something important happened on Tuesday, but I can't remember what it was. JK! Of course, it was the election. How can i forget the hippie lady standing in front of me in line who kept trying to get everyone to sing the national anthem?? She tried a couple times. With diminishing confidence, she would sing, "OH SAY CAN YOU SEE? By the...dawn's...hnearly...high...hm hm hmMmm...." then complete silence... It was annoying, but entertaining nonetheless.

Tuesday night was, of course, Union, which, of course, rocked! But I realized something about myself. It started when i told a friend of mine that I wanted to do ministry full-time, and ended with me getting annoyed by a couple people at Union. Why was I annoyed? Simply because these people were being "overly" relational. That's my term for it, but I suppose they were just trying to get to know me. It was annoying to me because I just wanted to chill with my friends and catch up with them. Wednesday morning, God was like, "Do you really want to do ministry full-time, or is it just that you want to do it for money?" And I was like, "Too-shay!" And that's when I realized that full-time ministry isn't just 9-5, Monday through Friday, when it's convenient for me. It's all the time: when I'm standing in line at the grocery store, when I'm standing in line to vote (I regret that I did not join in the song), when I'm driving my car, when I'm interacting with my friends, when I'm alone at home. What I consider ministry is a 24/7 thing. My conclusion? It's going to be hard, but I whole-heartedly want to do it...even if it means answering and asking question after annoying question. It's giving all my time for God and trusting that when it's time to rest, He will provide.

Wednesday: Obama wins the election. Some people are upset, some (apparently the majority) are excited to tears (Oprah), and almost every gets angry at some point during the day, either because of the results of the election or because others aren't as excited about it as others. Hey! Should be an interesting 4 years...or maybe 8...

Thursday: Didn't have anything to do Thursday night and was completely bored. This shows how far I've come. I used to be perfectly content not having things to do on weeknights, but now I think I may be addicted to socializing. But hey, at least it was Friday Eve!

Thursday evening: Watched Grey's Anatomy and bawled my eyes out! I mean, seriously, melo-drama can't get any better than an old man fruitlessly pumping his wife's heart. Awww...I just wanted to squeeze him!

And then there's The Office. All I have to say is: "That's what she said! That's what she said! That's what she said!"

Friday: Got to go to Olive Garden at lunch for free! Had the most boring day at work, however. Finally told my boss I was extremely bored with my job and need a challenge. She placed another job at Comcast under my nose. It's a bit more challenging simply because it's different. I would at least get to work with other people in this job. However, I'm ready to move out of the cable industry altogether. But maybe I should take the job anyway, just to get me through. Any suggestions?

Friday night: Spent the evening at church participating in the junior high worship night. It was fantastic! It was so awesome to see so many junior highers so passionate about praising their God. After my Lifeline girls have graduated and if I'm still in Grand Rapids and if I'm still energetic enough at 31, I think I'll circle back around to junior high and commit to spending 6th-12th grade with my group. What a crazy group of kids those junior highers are! I should fit right in!

Saturday: Went to my favorite place in Grand Rapids, Barnes and Noble. I go there every Saturday morning, order coffee, and read the first chapters of about 15 books. This Saturday I had a purpose. I was meeting the parents of the girls in my small group. Unfortunately, none of them showed up. The good news is that I got to read the first 3rd of a fabulous book by Fredrick Buechner called "Telling Secrets." He is an incredible writer. His thoughts flow so seamlessly that you can't really put the book down until a chapter ends. So, don't start reading his books if you only have a few minutes before you have to start supper, or go pick up the kids. His books are for snowy afternoons in front of the fireplace. And if you've never read Fredrick Buecher, then "Telling Secrets" is a great book to start with. It's an autobiography that begins with his father's suicide. I wanted to buy it, but Barnes didn't have it in their used book section. They also didn't have Italo Calvino's "If on a winter's night a traveler" in the used book section, so I went to Bargain Books and bought that one. I told my friend, Annie, that I was reading it, and she asked me what it was about. I couldn't really tell her. It wasn't because the book is uninteresting; it's because the book is crazy. It messes with your mind. If you have nothing to do this week, please stop by the bookstore and read the first two chapters of Italo Calvino's "If on a winter's night a traveler" and tell me what you thought. I think it's fabulous!

The rest of Saturday was spent in warm, cozy, lazy, procrastinating bliss on my couch, followed by an early bedtime, which continued on said couch. This, my friends, was a glorious sabbath!

...and that is my week in review...

Why Obama is Good For Me

I wasn’t informed enough about McCain’s policies to vote FOR him, but I voted for him as a vote AGAINST Obama.

(I think McCain is an awesome guy. Very few can claim the heroism he can, but doesn’t. The guy broke both arms and a leg and almost drowned when his plane was shot down in Vietnam (try staying above water with 50 lbs. of gear on your back…now try it with two broken arms and a broken leg). Then he survived a contaminated POW camp where he received little to no medical care for 5 ½ years. The fact that he lived is a miracle. This is not a man anyone should be calling “weak,” as I’ve heard my co-workers describe him. Read the complete story here: http://www.usnews.com/articles/news/2008/01/28/john-mccain-prisoner-of-war-a-first-person-account.html)

So, when I woke up on Wednesday morning to learn that Obama was going to be our new president, I must admit, I felt a heaviness in my chest. Admittedly (and hysterically), I got really quiet and listened for any noises outside that would indicate the end of world. Alas, I didn’t hear anything of the sort.

I realized that the impending sense of doom that I felt was irrational and stupid, but nevertheless, I still felt it. During my run, I prayed that God would change my heart. By the time I was done showering that morning, I was actually really excited about the election results. In fact, someone at work said I looked happy (which is huge for me since I apparently always look bored…at least according to one co-worker). I’m assuming he thought my happiness was because of the results of the election. My happiness had nothing to do with the election, and it had everything to do with the election.

Even though I didn’t vote for him, I’m glad Barak Obama was elected. *collective gasp* It was ultimately, the campaign slogans that won me over. Not his, mind you, but my own personal campaign slogan: “politics has officially become a religion”--this directed mostly at Obama supporters with their sparkling eyes gazing in awe at their candidate, deceiving themselves into thinking that he will be their salvation, and boldly proclaiming the gospel of “change.” But Wednesday morning, when I awoke with a feeling of emptiness and oppression, I realized that my campaign slogan also applied to me. Why would I have felt emptiness and oppression? Could it possibly have been because I was also putting a measure of my hope and security in the government? Absolutely! Would I feel that emptiness and fear if I had truly had God first in my life? Absolutely not!

It’s sad, really, to realize that the sweep of a political party took another piece of my earthly security. But oddly, I feel free again! I feel like someone has stomped on the tidy little American Christian conservative box I’ve been carrying around for years that I have claimed contains God, only to find it completely empty. What a great discovery! You mean the God I love and worship isn’t bound by political parties, laws, and economics after all?? You mean the president is no longer my Christian spokesperson? Brilliant! (Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against President Bush, but I think part of the reason so many people hate him is because he tried to install godliness in a nation that obviously is not interested in godliness. God didn’t even do that, and in fact, He refused to do it!)

To borrow from the president-elect, now indeed, it’s time for a change. This is our chance! This is an incredible opportunity to trust God; to live our faith. This is a chance for us to get our minds out of the law and into the Gospels; to get our hearts out of politics and into the body of Christ; to get our hands out of Washington and into our communities. In essence, this is a chance for us to stop being politicians and start being apostles. Brothers and sisters, this is what we were made to do—everything else is just a distraction…it is false security…it is weak…it is corrupt…it is fully human!

Since I have no particle of hope in the government anymore, I HAVE to put my hope in God. That’s extremely freeing because I know God will never disappoint the way politicians do. God doesn’t have to be re-elected, He doesn’t have to give inspiring speeches, He doesn’t need to spend billions of dollars, He doesn’t need to convince us of His ability to do the job. He is the beginning and the end of everything. We don’t need a president to redeem us; we have a God who ALREADY HAS redeemed us!

So, why is Obama’s election victory good for me?

…Because it gives me another perfect opportunity to trust God!

Coming Attractions

I have a ton to say about the election and the next four years and Christianity and politics and what not, but I'm just too dang tired to write about it right now. But stayed tuned for "Why Obama Will Be Good For Me."

Going Home

So, I went home this weekend. Admittedly, it was a bit of paranoia that goosed me into going. On Thursday, I just happened to think that I now have some extra money, so I could make it home if I wanted. Then I thought maybe I would just save the money. But then I thought, “What if your parents die tomorrow, and you missed seeing them one last time just to save $50?” So, I decided to go. But seriously, wouldn’t that suck if you were like, “Well, my parents are dead, but at least I have this $50!” Yeah… I didn’t want that to be me.

How was my trip home? I guess I could sum it up in two words: relaxing and reflective.
Visiting in the summer is awesome because I get to relax by the pool; visiting in the fall/winter is great because I get to relax in front of the fireplace. It probably wasn’t really cold enough to turn on the fireplace, but whatever…I had to take advantage of the opportunity since I’m going to need to store up on the heat since my house is, like, 30 below in the winter.

To say that I “relaxed” may not be completely accurate. Frankly, I was just lazy. Saturday I didn’t bother to shower or brush my teeth. I loafed in front of the fireplace most of the day, getting up only to use the restroom and eat. It gets worse. There was a point on Saturday evening where my dad and I were both laying on the floor. We wanted to change the channel, but the remote wasn’t within arm’s reach for either of us, so we just watched whatever was on. “Whatever was on” was some Spanish soap opera or something.

If you know my dad, you know it’s very unusual for him to NOT be doing something, let alone be lazy. Unfortunately, my dad wasn’t doing anything because he was in pain. We think he pinched a nerve in his back. My entire life he has never had a pain that would stop him. This weekend he did. It was very unusual for me to see. It was a wake-up call too. I know the pinched nerve may not be a serious thing, but it served to remind me that my parents are getting older. Over the last few weeks and months, both parents have been experiencing some health issues. Dad had to have a biopsy on his prostate. The results showed that there was an “irregularity,” but that it wasn’t cancer…just something to watch. Mom also had some “irregular” cells on her cervix and will be going in next week to have them removed. I’m glad neither of them have cancer, but the “coulds” and the “ifs”—it COULD turn into cancer IF we don’t do something now—feed into my tendency to anticipate the worst for longer than necessary. And it pretty much sucks that life’s timeline dictates that kids leave home as their parents get older. It seems wrong—the less time we have on earth with our parents, the less we see them? That’s very backwards. So, maybe my decision to go home this weekend wasn’t necessarily paranoia so much as a deep understanding of the reality that day by day, I have less time to spend with them.

Besides coming to the realization of having aging parents, this trip home was different in another way. When I left Grand Rapids for Valpo, I felt like I was being sucked back by a vacuum; same thing when I left Valpo headed back for Grand Rapids. There’s a tug of war going on. Grand Rapids, surprisingly, represents to me new life, moving on, and adventure, while Valpo represents comfort, settling down, and rest. I didn’t realize that’s what was going on until my mom said something like, “If you move back to Valpo…”. I hadn’t really thought about it that much while I was in GR, but when she said that, I realized that what I’m seeking in GR, I can’t find in Valpo. I may not even be able to find in GR….or the U.S. for that matter. In Grand Rapids, that thought is exciting; but when I’m in Valpo at the house I grew up in, sitting at the table where I’ve had countless meaningful conversation with my family, that’s a very frightening thought that makes me really sad. John 12:25 says that whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life save it. Valpo represents the life I love. Grand Rapids represents the life I hate. I would love to move home, but I’m afraid I would lose my “life.” Not that I would physically die, but that I would die a little spiritually. But of course, life isn’t just geography. I think I could lose my life every day no matter where I am, but I always thought of Valpo as the place I would settle down. The truth is I don’t feel like I’ll ever settle down. I’m beginning to feel like I wasn’t made for a comfortable, predictable life, even if that’s what I’m drawn to. There’s something much deeper than my desire (maybe God’s desire?) that’s making me hesitant to go back. Maybe it’s just curiosity and adventure, and it will fade away some day too. I just don’t know…not yet anyway…

In the meantime, I have a few things to put me at ease over the next couple months. My parents will be here in two weeks for my baptism. Two weeks after that, I’ll be home for Thanksgiving. Then a month after that I’ll be home for more than a week for Christmas! Until then, I’m just going to enjoy my life here.

Farting Etiquette

I know I’m asking an age-old question for which there doesn’t seem to be a universal answer: How do you handle it when your boss farts in your cubicle and traps you inside, blatantly ignoring the green cloud that has passed from her rear-end and planted itself around my head? I guess I could have blamed myself for it, or I could have been really mature about it and held my nose and pointed at her. I almost asked her if she farted just to break the ice, but I didn’t want to humiliate her. But really, since it was OBVIOUS that she farted, why not just clear the air, so to speak, by admitting it so we can continue our conversation elsewhere, right? Then I wouldn’t have had to sit in a green cloud for 7 minutes. Record “linger” time, I’m sure….except maybe that time she farted right by the printer and I had to walk through it in order to the leave the room…that may have been 10 minutes.

God, Love, Politics

I have a lot going on in my head, but I'm not sure I can process it all right here. It's like I've just had a lot going on and not enough time to think it through and now it's just a hopeless jumble of thoughts...in my head it looks a lot like a tangle of Christmas lights, ya know?

I guess the main thing on my mind is Lifeline. I've found what I was made to do. I don't mean that I was necessarily meant to do senior high ministry...maybe I was, but it's actually so much simpler than that. I was made simply to do whatever God asks me to do. Life isn't as predictable, comfortable, or "secure" in the sense that I will likely always be a workplace nomad, I'll probably never have a great retirement fund (of course, who has that hope these days anyway, right?), and it's very possible that I'll never get married. I always wanted those things because they made me feel secure. But at this point in my life, I'm glad to trade all that for the adventure of serving God. I've learned that there's adventure in just waiting on God to tell you to "go" because that could be any time. That could be tomorrow, or even in the middle of the night tonight. It kind of reminds me of a trip I took during my sophomore year of college. My German class went to Germany for a month. The last week of our trip was a "free week" where we could go anywhere we wanted. A couple days before our free week began a friend and I bought plane tickets to Venice. We had no idea what we would do when we got there or where we stay or even if we'd be able to afford it. When we got off the plane in Venice, we had no idea what to do next. Each and every step we took was unplanned. Nevertheless, we found a place to stay (a room in between the second and third floor of a hotel), we enjoyed authentic Italian food, and we managed to stay safe. That's what God is doing--telling me to go, and providing for me along the way. The way things are going, I'm confident that I will not get to the end of my life and wish I had done things differently.

But that pretty much just sums up one portion of my life. The other portion of my life--work--is another story. B-O-R-I-N-G! Work has become unbearable since I started Lifeline. I'm still able to get my work done, but it takes a lot more effort and discipline now to get it done. I would much rather spend my time at work talking to people about God than balancing spreadsheets. The nice thing about work is that I work with some very interesting people. There's one woman at work who is particularly interesting. She's a flaming liberal, agnostic, know-it-all. She's the complete opposite of me, but I find her completely fascinating for some reason. Maybe it's BECAUSE she is so unlike me. Maybe it's because she "beats up" the bullies at work for me. Or maybe it's God's funny way of teaching me that through Him I can love ANYONE. I used to hate people like her (in fact, I couldn't stand her when she first started), but I can truly say that I love her now. Unfortunately, she's a contract worker and probably won't be working with our company much longer, but God has taught me a lot about loving people through this woman. He didn't call me to argue politics or religion with people. He called me to love them. No doubt I still have a lot to learn, but no doubt I've learn a lot already.

So, just like everyone else, I'm sick of politics. But here are my thoughts on the subject:

Since I can't totally agree with either candidate about all their policies, I've chosen two issues to base my vote on--abortion and taxes. Since I've taken a biblical worldview for my life, I have to vote for the candidate that is pro-life. There is no biblical reason to support abortion. From the beginning to the end, the Bible is about life. That's just my point of view.

I also will not vote for a candidate that promises to create government programs. I think it's pretty obvious that most government programs help people in the short run, but create dependency in the long run. It's the governmental equivalent of letting your perfectly capable 50-year-old son or daughter live with you for free. What parent could possibly believe that they are doing what is best for their son or daughter by letting them do that?? I work with a lady whose son, grand-daughter, and great-granddaughter live with her. None of them contribute a dime to the household income. Whatever income her son made when he had a job went towards dope and beer. Needless to say, she is a very unhappy woman. Her family has become dependent on her and she has become dependent on them. Dependency does not equal growth.

Besides that, I want more money in my net income so that I get to decide where my charity goes. I don't trust the government to disperse my charity for me.

I have a few opinions about politics, but none of it keeps me up at night. In the end, it really doesn't matter who wins the election, because I'm a citizen of God's kingdom first, then a citizen of the U.S. Down the road, if there's no place for me to survive in the U.S., I know there's already a place for me in Heaven......Heaven! no taxes, no death, no politics, no pollution, no credit cards, no poverty, no war, no hate, no "me, me,me." Man, I can't wait!

*sigh* And with that, I leave you....

The Fate of My Puppy

In case anyone was curious about the fate of my dog, I decided not to give her up. I couldn't do it. She has a much better life than she had before. Her life may not be as good as it COULD be, but lucky for me, she doesn't know that! What you don't know can't hurt you, right? Anyway, she's mine until God calls me some place she can't go, I guess. (insert collective sigh of relief here)

I think it's time to say good-bye

I think it's time to say good-bye to my dog, Bella. My life has reached a point of busy-ness, and perhaps has been at that point for quite some time, that keeping her is unfair for us both. I do my best to take her for half hour walks every day, but at two years old and with her being a springer spaniel/lab mix, she has way too much energy than I have time to help her expend it. She enjoys the walks and the trips to the dog park, but for the ten hours that she's couped up in my house she builds up all kinds of anxiety. And I, for the ten hours I am at work, and for the other 3 or 4 I'm out with friends or doing church activities, become anxious about the time my poor dog is forced to spend alone. It just is not fair to either of us. So, I'm in the process (I'm taking my time) of trying to find a patient family who will take her. She belongs in a family that has a dog or two already, and that owns lots of land where she can run around all day long. I love her dearly and as far as I know, I'm the only person on the earth she trusts, but I believe she deserves a better life than I give her.

It's hard to say good-bye, but it's best for us both.

I Am Lazy!

I often have the following dilemma:

I walk into the kitchen to find something to eat, because I am ravenously hungry.

I search high and low until I find something, anything, suitable (and not rotting).

I search for the pan to cook my potentially delicious meal in.

I find it.

It's in the sink...dirty.

I ask myself, "Is that pan dirty enough to have to clean it?"

If the answer is "yes," I have to ask myself "Am I really THAT hungry, after all?"

If the answer is "yes," I will grudgingly hand-wash the pan.

After hand-washing and rinsing the pan, I fill it up with water and notice that there some suds still in the pan. I ask myself, "Are there enough in there to kill me?"

If yes, I will rinse the pan out again.

If there are still some suds in the pan, I tell myself, "There's not enough in there to kill me."

Then I cook the ramen.

Anyone want to come to my house for dinner?

The Office - Company Time Theft

The Office this week was about time theft at work, which made me very paranoid. During the show, Jim times all of Dwight's "non-work-related" activities. I've done this to myself before, and was admittedly a bit ashamed of myself. I quickly vowed to spend every minute at work being productive, and just as quickly removed the guilt from my life and fell into the same pattern of work a little-waste a little time.

I'm finding it especially hard to work on Fridays. This past Friday was especially bad. Here's an approximation of how I spent my time at work when I wasn't working:

1.) Made coffee
2.) Talked to friends
3.) Ate
4.) Went to the bathroom. Got into conversation with someone while washing my hands.
5.) Checked e-mail
6.) Slept (I didn't do the larger portion during work hours, but I slept for about an extra five minutes after my lunch break officially ended).
7.) Checked e-mail
8.) Went to the bathroom
9.) Read friends blogs
10.) Tried to sneak up on someone at their cubicle in order to scare them. I didn't work.
11.) Checked e-mail
12.) Did some research on International House of Prayer
13.) Did some research about youth ministry
14.) Checked e-mail
15.) Went to the bathroom. Got into another conversation, this time at the door of the bathroom about the nasty cold that is attacking everyone, then silently noted that I should "up" my vitamin C intake and lessen my sugar intake.
16.) Cleaned out a soup bowl that contained broth left over from Monday and was stinking and drawing fruit flies (I really felt like this was very good use of company time, actually. We all benefited from the relief from fruit flies).
17.) Tried to find a better way of formatting reports from online banking (this was actually work-related, but I probably should have stopped trying long before I did).
18.) Checked e-mail
19.) Checked the breakroom for any left over food from morning meetings
20.) Went to the bathroom. Did not get into a conversation in the bathroom, but I did meet someone in the mailroom on the way back from the bathroom. Started up conversation by asking what they were cooking for dinner (yeah, I don't know...).

Of course I worked in between these activities. It's easy to excuse my inconsistent schedule by accusing everyone of doing it, by reminding myself that I got all my work done, or by blaming the company for not giving me enough to do, but that, of course, doesn't make it ok. And now I feel guilty again.

Thanks, Jim Halpert...

How to be Poor Successfully

As many of you know, I have been poor for a little over a year now. It started with the second worst financial decision on the planet: buying a house I couldn’t afford. I guess it wouldn’t have been SO bad if it hadn’t been an impulse buy that I was hoping would make me “significant.” …..ok, maybe it is THE WORST financial decision I could make, after all……IDIOT!

I have to cut myself some slack, though. I WAS a complete idiot a year ago. Now I am a recovering idiot. Along the way I have crossed the thresholds of “unhappy,” “poor and unhappy,” “poor, unhappy, and completely miserable,” (the envy of cynics across the land) and “financially comfortable and miserable.” But now I think I finally have it! Now I’m “successfully poor and happy.” What I mean is that I have accepted my financial situation and have learned how to survive AND be happy ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I lose sleep over bills that are coming due, or I wake up frustrated that today is not the “Someday” that I’m out of debt and living financially comfortably. But most days I can just accept it. It was hard to accept at first because I had to give up so much.

No more going out to eat. (meh…it wasn’t healthy anyway)
No more going home every other weekend. (I’m being “green”)
No more Pizza Hut. (There’s really no good twist to this one. I mourned…)
No more variation in meals. (Planning meals is really easy now, ‘cuz…..I don’t have to plan!)
No more books. (I probably already have about 50 books that I haven’t read yet anyway)
No more new clothes. (This one kinda sucks too because all my clothes are 2 to 3 sizes too big, but I guess that’s better than the clothes being too small!)
No more credit cards. (Credit Cards are the devil!)
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

The list goes on. This was overwhelming at first, but I think I’ve finally found a balance.

Enough background. Here’s how to be poor successfully:

1.) Get involved at church. Really involved. I know there’s a whole long list of things that churches and church people do poorly, but there’s at least one thing I think everyone can agree that church people do well—EAT! Think about it. There are potlucks, cookouts, kick-offs, conferences, Bible studies, meetings, funerals, weddings, etc. etc. etc. All of them serve food! I can’t tell you how times I have breakfasted on cookies and coffee on a Sunday morning. If you want me to be perfectly honest, I’ve sometimes attended Bible study only because I knew there would be food there. The great thing about that is that my starving stomach and my starving soul got fed at the same time!

Of course, when you are so involved in church activities, it takes a toll on your gasoline budget. Being involved at church is also helpful here too. As it turns out, there are many wonderful people who are willing to give you a ride to church if you need it. It just takes honesty, humility, and a willingness to be the passenger, listen to someone else’s music, or *gasp* have a conversation with someone you may not know very well!

(Before you all start thinking I’m an insensitive moocher, I just want to say that I only found this out AFTER getting involved. My heart is sincerely in the right place J)

2.) Get used to manna. Since I don’t get three square meals a day, I want to make sure that when I do eat it’s healthy and filling. Thus, rice and beans…every day. Does it get old after a while? Yes. But keep in mind the Israelites who complained about manna so much that God finally gave them so much meat that they puked. If I get to eat a meal, any meal, I’m thankful. At less than $1.00 per rice and beans meal, I get to be thankful for two whole weeks! That’s right; it’s only about $1.00 per meal of rice and beans. Yes, I know that McDonald’s has delicious dollar menu items, but they are not as nutritious and filling as rice and beans. My rice and beans meal is packed full of protein (especially if you use black beans), fiber (only in brown rice), good fat (I cook with coconut oil), vitamins and minerals that even if I eat only one meal a day, I’m less malnourished than someone who eats three meals a day at McDonalds.

3.) Lighten up on the workouts. I used to work out six days a week while only consuming about 500-700 calories a day. I did this until my body broke down. At that point I had a choice to make: either stop working out so hard, or get sick. I didn’t have the choice to consume more calories, so I decided to give up the hard workouts in order to preserve calories. On the other hand, you mustn’t be completely lazy because hungry + no exercise = no sleep, which also helps break down the body. Taking Bella for 20-30 minute walks every day has turned out to be a good balance.

So, there ya go. Being poor isn’t so bad! I may not have extra income for entertainment and food, but the church activities I’m involved in provide both. Also, I get to be lazy and still stay skinny. Who doesn’t dream of that luxury from time to time!

Of course, you can’t appreciate any of this unless you just learn to accept your current state of affairs. Maybe I can’t go shopping for new clothes or get my nails done or get a new haircut like I did a little over a year ago, but I’m wiser, happier, and somehow more carefree than I was then. Some people might see my financial situation as a failure to succeed, but I’d have to argue that I’ve succeeded at being poor.

A couple months ago I declared that I knew the passion of my life--to be a wife and a mother. I've changed my mind. At this point in my life I have absolutely no desire to be a mother, especially since my boss came to work on Thursday late, unshowered, and getting by on 2 hours of sleep because she had been up all night attending to her two puking daughters and the carpet they puked on. No thanks!

I really like where I am right now. I'm single and have no kids of my own. Now that I have my group of girls for Lifeline, I have kids of my own in a sense, but these go home and I don't have to clean up their puke :) And being single is great for me right now, because my time and energy aren't tied up in just one person. I have time and energy for tons of people! It's tempting for me to say that I always want to be like this, but someday I might change my mind again.

Really, if I'm being totally honest, the only reason I ever wanted to be a wife and mother is so that I would have an extra paycheck to live off of and so I could eventually "work from home." Yes, I know that's completely horrible, but there's no way I'm the only one who has ever thought such a thing. The good thing is that I've at least realized that my reasons were shallow. I have enough to be responsible for right now...I'm not ready to add a husband and kids to the mix. I fully realize that I will likely change my mind (again!) down the road. But to wish to always be single and have no kids means that I'm loving where I'm at right now! Yay! Finally!

I hate winter!

I've been in denial for as long as I could possibly be, but here's the sad truth: summer is over and the evil winter is upon us.

I began to think of the possibility of winter being around the corner when I turned on my heat earlier this week. As soon as I came to my senses, I turned it right off while exclaiming, "Now, who the heck turned the heat on?! It's summer!"

My second clue was when I put a sweatshirt and close-toed shoes on to go to the dog park. While there, I had my hands stuffed deep into my pockets to keep them warm. But all the while, I reminded myself that I had a SHORT-SLEEVED T-shirt underneath...only a layer and a half...that's like what you would wear for a stroll along the beach at sunset...(Reality: Or when winter is right around the corner. Denial: SHUT UP!)

Despite my efforts to deny the end of summer as much as possible, I was defeated when I looked at the dark sky, then at the clock, which told me it was only 8:15. Ugh! Up here it doesn't look like this until almost 10:00! And what is worse? We will lose an hour of night light in the next month or so.

I guess it's inevitable; winter indeed is coming. I'm going to stock up on good books and video games. In another month and a half I'll be sealing the windows and breathing recycled air for six months straight. I hate winter...apparently Willa Cather did too. Enjoy.

"The pale, cold light of the winter sunset did not beautify--it was like the light of truth itself. When the smoky clouds hung low in the west and the red sun went down behind them, leaving a pink flush on the snowy roofs and the blue drifts, then the wind sprang up afresh, with a kind of bitter song, as if it said: 'This is reality, whether you like it or not. All those frivolities of summer, the light and shadow, the living mask of green that trembled over everything, they were lies, and this is what was underneath. This is the truth.' It was as if we were being punished for loving the loveliness of summer." from My Antonia by Willa Cather.

Single for Life?

I'm really beginning to believe that I will never ever ever get married...(here's where I would like to finish the sentence by saying, "...and I'm totally fine with that!" But I'm not...not really...well, kind of. Anyway, end parentheses).

I know for a fact that I'm not ready to get married yet, and it's certainly not a goal of mine, but it would be nice to have someone in my life who really REALLY gets me...someone who is not just my "other half," but who makes me more me than I have ever been.

The problem is that there are only two things I'm looking for in a guy (besides the obvious, like he has to be a guy, he has to breathing, he has to be single etc). Why is that a problem? Because very very few meet my two criteria. And of the few, there's only one who I'll hit it off with, so that narrows it down even more. The bright side to this is the knowledge that THERE IS ONLY ONE out there...just for me! I just wonder how he'll ever find me, or if he ever will.

For now I'm content. And if God desires for me to be single for life, then that's ok too. But if not, then no matter what--even if I have to wait until I'm 80 before he comes along--I'm going to wait for him.

Change

Last night I watched Pursuit of Happyness. There are different "chapters" if you will that the narrator breaks his life up into. Taking the same idea, I'm going to entitle this chapter of my life "Change."

Has it been exciting? Yes. Has it been interesting? Yes. Has it caused me extreme anxiety and discomfort? Oh, yeah!

Last Sunday was my first day as a Lifeline leader (Senior High) at my church. Taking the step to volunteer was an event all its own. I don't know if anyone else felt that way or if it was just me. All I know is that if taking that step was so difficult, then I must have living an extremely self-centered life. Oh, my gosh! You mean to tell me that I have to give up 3 of my relaxation hours on a Sunday night? And maybe some weeknights? And I have to start thinking about someone other than myself?? The horror!!!

As it turned out, that first night, while somewhat distressing, was quite enjoyable. I met a lot of people and had fun dancing and singing with everyone during the worship time. For a moment, I even felt that "carefreeness" reminiscent of my time in high school youth group. What was even better this time around was that I wasn't as self-concious!

When Monday rolled around, I didn't wake up the confident, happy, excited, victorious girl that fell asleep on Sunday night. Monday was the introduction of my new boss. It's not as if anything work-wise would change having a new boss. The only thing that really changes with having a new boss is that there's someone else in the room, and also my work doesn't come first. The worst part? Work isn't as laid back anymore. Last week we all strapped ourselves to our headphones and didn't speak much at all. It's a new dynamic and I think we're all just trying to hold on to something familiar--like our music.

Then there's the ongoing change--the change that has been taking place for months now--trying to become comfortable in my own skin. You'd think of all the things I have that would give me comfort, the one thing that would never fail is the fact that I am still me. The funny thing is, I'm NOT still me, and while that's an incredibly wonderful thing in some ways, it's also really frightening. I'm changing along with my life. Right now I seem to be in a portal between the old me and the new me. I no longer depend on people, but I still don't trust God completely. Not depending on people is freeing, but not trusting God is enslaving. The "in between" is a struggle. You'd think it would be easy to trust the all-powerful Creator of the universe and my own life with my life, but for some reason it's not that easy. I've reasoned it out this way: you tend to trust those who you know the best. I only trust God with some stuff, so I must not know him that well. So I've been spending extra time reading the Gospels, studying the Bible and praying trying to get to know him better. Maybe a relationship with God really is like a courtship and a marriage. Maybe you do have to go through things together to see how the other person holds up in different circumstances in order to get to know them better. Maybe it just takes time. This is just another thing that I will have to push through no matter how difficult or painful in order to have the better thing.

Lift Up Your Eyes - Rick Hopkins

This is a video for a song that got me through a really rough time in life. Enjoy! I hope you are blessed!

Can't I just be all of it?

This is me:

This is what I drive:

This is what I'm about:

I don't have a problem with the way I look, but if I was more daring, I'd get my hair cut like this:

....only the red streaks would be purple streaks...

...And I'd have one of these:

And this is what I would ride:

I look like a God-fearing conservative hometown girl bound by practicality...and for the most part that's who I am, but somewhere inside there's a God-fearing emo chick with a lust for adventure and speed that is approaching the surface...stay tuned!

What is Labor Day for anyway?

Strangers who never knocked on my door before are now knocking. They're asking me silly and personal questions like, "Are you fed up with the current administration?" and "If you had to vote today, who would you vote for?" I tell them I'll vote for whoever helps me fix up my house so I can sell it. If they can't help me, they don't get my vote. Sorry.

Anyway, Labor Day weekend was unbelieveable! There was a summer a few years back where I was home from college and I wasn't working. I spent my days reading by the pool, developing a fantastic tan, and spending late nights out with my friends. I remember at the time thinking that I better enjoy it because it was probably going to be the last summer I would have like that. Sad to say, it was. But this weekend, though much shorter than that summer, was wonderfully similar except I cherished it even more. A couple days before I went home, God helped me to realize that I have forgotten how to enjoy the quiet and peaceful moments of my life. I used to enjoy life more than I complained about it and over the years, the exact opposite has happened. Anyway, I'm glad He showed me this before the weekend because I was finally able to cherish the wonderful moments.

Friday night I sat at the bar with my ice water and a few friends. I felt the cool breeze on my face and I noticed the vagueness that night lights reveal. On Saturday night, I watched the sun set from the backseat of Christina's PT Cruiser as Sean, Christina, and I rushed to Old Navy in Merriville before it closed. And afterward we met up with some friends at a local bar. I was able to take myself out west as my friend, Alan, told me about a 3 week trip he took on his motorcycle to see the Grand Tetons, Old Faithful, and the mountains of Utah. On Sunday night I laid out by the pool and looked at the stars. In preparation for a long conversation, I took a deep breath and said, "Ok, God," and before I could say another word, a star shot across the sky!

I didn't make it to the Dunes like I had planned and I didn't swim at night with the pool light on and I didn't get to go on a walk and talk about God with my friend, Tim. But I didn't need those things in order to make the weekend any better. I got to relax. I got to enjoy every moment. I got to feel what it's like to be real again. I couldn't have asked for more.

Divine Romance

I know Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" is max-hyped, but I love this song and it goes so well with the video clips. Check it out, play it twice, and feel joy if you feel it.

Faith

"Faith is dependence upon God. And this God-dependence only begins when self-dependence ends. And self-dependence only comes to its end, with some of us, when sorrow, suffering, affliction, broken plans and hopes bring us to that place of self-helplessness and defeat. And only then do we find that we have learned the lesson of faith; to find our tiny craft of life rushing onward to a blessed victory of life and power and service undreamt of in the days of our fleshly strength and self-reliance."

James McConkey

The Surgeon

I feel like a patient lying awake on the operating table. The warm comfort of my skin is pinned to the side and I am vulnerable to the hands of the Surgeon. I beg him to stitch me back up. “This hurts, Lord!” I cry. But there’s no turning back now. He gently strokes my hair, looks me in the eye and says, “Don’t be afraid. You are my child, Alissa. I love you! I won’t hurt you and I’ll never leave your side. I have your best interest in mind.”

I can’t wait until I am stitched back up and this wound heals.

The Devil is a Hungry Lion and I am a Scrumtrelescent T-Bone Steak

“Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring in fierce hunger, seeking someone to seize upon and devour.” 1 Peter 5:8

No kidding! And right now I feel like I’m a fresh, raw, juicy steak standing in his path. For the last week or so, I’ve been feeling like I’m teetering on the edge of victory and destruction. I’m very aware that I’m only one bad decision away from destroying the work God has done in my life. I’m tempted through people, conversations, loneliness, boredom, even anxiety. I wonder sometimes if it will ever end. Will I ever be stable enough in my faith to not constantly feel like it would only take a slight breeze to knock me down? Right now the answer feels like “no.” Thankfully, that’s answered truthfully for me:

“And after you have suffered a little while,” (thank goodness, it’s only a little while longer!), “the God of all grace Who imparts all blessing and favor, Who has called you to His own eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you.” 1 Peter 5:10.

I’m going to cling to this promise right now, or I’m in trouble!

Top Ten Things on My Mind Today

10.) I watched the movie The Notebook yesterday. I have to say, compared to that movie I have a very cerebral understanding about love. To me, true love is something you choose to do rather than something you feel all the time. No doubt passion exists in love, but I have my doubts about passion existing throughout an entire relationship. I guess I’ve just never seen it. My last relationship was closest thing to a passionate love I’ve had, but that relationship ended. So, I have every hope that I can have a passionate relationship with the person I marry, but I’m not banking on it.

9.) Speaking of marriage (!), it’s been a little over 2 months since I decided to be single for a year, and since then a little irony is taking place. The more I desire to get married, the more unfit I think I am to get married. I keep imagining what my dream guy is like, but there’s no way he would want me. There’s too much that I haven’t forgiven myself for. And besides, I’m not interested in hurting someone else. All I have to say is that if someone falls in love with me, they better also be deeply in love with God because I guarantee I’ll end up hurting them somehow.

8.) I have picked up a bad habit. When I really think about it, I’ve had this deficiency for a while. My bad habit is that I tend to not end conversations…period. When I was in college, I always had trouble writing the concluding paragraph on my papers. In case you haven’t noticed, I tend to end many of blogs with an ellipsis as well. I have the same problem with conversations. In the last week, I’ve caught myself ending a conversation by just walking away without really putting any sort of appropriate conclusion to it like, “Well, have a great day!” or “It was great talking to you. See you later!” That’s what most people do, but what do I do? I just walk away, leaving the other person feeling self-conscious and a bit flummoxed. I’ve even fallen asleep during a conversation before. How’s that for a conclusion?!?! In all fairness, it was a text message conversation. Somehow I’m a little more off the hook that way. I don’t do it to be mean; I just think I have the disability of not reading when a conversation is ending. I’m self-conscious about the end. On the one hand, I don’t want to be a “lingerer,” but I also don’t want to be the one to end the conversation if the person isn’t done talking…so…I guess if I’m no longer in the presence of the other person, I don’t have to end it and I don’t have to linger….I…am…a…loser ;)

7.) God has put so many amazing people in my life. I bought this old house with all these devious little quirks, thinking that I had the skill, the determination, and the funds to correct them. As turns out, I don’t have home repair skills, very little determination, and absolutely no funds to fix up my little old house. However, random things have been happening. Like, I need my roof patched and one of my co-workers offered to fix it for free. Then I ripped out the carpet in my living room. I have no idea how to finish a wood floor, but as it turns out, one of my friends used to do it for a living. He and my other friend Meghan offered to help me prep the floor this week. Then last night, one of my neighbors came to my door and asked if I would like for him to cut down the branches from my other neighbor’s tree that are hanging over my lawn (literally, I can touch the leaves…I’m about 5’1) and laying on my house. Unbelievable! Altogether, these tasks would have cost me hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, but by the time I’m done, I will have spent MAYBE fifty bucks. What a gracious God!

Well, this was going to be a “Top Ten,” but the first four took up quite a bit of space, so I’ll leave at that for now.

I am...

B-O-R-E-D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Money

The only ones who can be happy with it are those who can be happy without it.

I have a lot of really unimportant things to say today

I feel like poo today. Not sick. Tired, sad, homesick, bored, contemplative, nostalgic, lethargic, apathetic, irritable...and so on. Obviously I'm PMSing. Sometimes this is a good thing. It makes me get things done. For instance, my dog pooped on the carpet again. If I wasn't PMSing I would have just cleaned it up. Instead, I ripped up the entire carpet. It was something I was planning on doing anyway...just not on Monday after work. Oh well.

I've always been a nap person. I used to take a nap just about every day after work, but now I take them in my car or on the lawn during my lunch break. I usually read until I fall asleep. Today was the perfect napping day. It was about 80 degrees outside, overcast, and slightly breezy. I'm going to miss those naps when it gets cold....

I'm going to miss carpet too...

The Straggler

As part of my self-imposed therapy for my tendency towards self-absorption, I’ve begun asking more questions about other people’s lives rather than abruptly imposing a story of my own life on a captive audience. I understand that this isn’t the way to completely heal from this disease, but it sure puts things into perspective before I lay into someone because my own needs are not or have not been met.

The importance of gathering information hit me hard back in June when I was still cashiering at the store. I think anyone who has worked retail for any period of time could agree that the best part of the day is when the announcement is made that the store is closed. It’s a moment we expectantly wait upon hour after hour. And we watch the minutes just before closing time creep up like a turtle crossing the highway. For some reason, we naively expect that once the magic words, “We are closed for the evening” ring across the loud speaker, everyone will automatically drop everything and, though slightly disappointed they didn’t cash out before time was up, will gladly leave the building, reasoning along the way, “Ah, shucks! I better get out of here quickly so I don’t inconvenience the lives of these hard-working employees! ” Of course, this never happens. Most of the time you’ll have a straggler who ignores the announcement completely and continues shopping, or you’ll have someone who walks in right after the announcement was made but before the doors were locked. The latter is more forgivable than the former. It’s almost as if the first type of person is just trying to show you that they WILL NOT be told what to do!

That evening back in June, I was the one who had to stay late in order to help a straggler. As I stood at my register watching her meander through the clothing, searching each rack to find her size, and lifting a shirt up to her chest every now and then to estimate how it would fit on her, I grinded my teeth and mocked her, making subtle, but over-a-whisper comments about how we had closed ten minutes ago. (This lady is obviously just trying to torture me.)

Finally, the woman finished her shopping and approached my register. I grudgingly put my best foot forward and, smiling, asked her if she found everything ok and made flattering comments about the items she chose to purchase. One last step: take her money and get the heck out of there! She gave me a credit card (Good! Quick payment method!). I swiped the card...it was denied. I swiped it again…denied (Of course! Dangit, lady, just leave the stuff here and come back tomorrow!). That was my solution. Her solution was to go out to her car and get her checkbook. (Great, the slowest method of payment! Lady, you’re killing me!) So, she walked out to her car, which must have been parked in Ohio, and got her checkbook. When she came back in, she was concerned about why her credit card hadn’t worked. I explained to her that as a safety feature some credit cards can only be used a certain number of times within a short time-frame. I wasn’t totally sure this was true, but it seemed to appease my customer. As I was processing her check, she began to tell me how awful the last few days had been for her. As it turns out, she had just come from the hospital where her husband had been admitted for a staph infection. They both lost their jobs in the last two weeks, and to top it off, she had put her dog down yesterday.

(I…AM…A…JERK!)

Ever since then I have tried to take on a new perspective. My old perspective was very cynical. I originally thought the lady in the store was just trying to assert her importance. It was also narcissistic: she was staying because she didn’t want me to be able to get off work on time. If I would have tried on my new perspective in this circumstance, I would have seen that she was probably shopping in order to let off some steam, and that if she heard the announcement, this store was a refuge for her for the time being. More likely, she was so distracted by the tragedies in her life that she didn’t even hear the closing announcement.

The more I see this self-absorbed, self-importance, narcissism in myself, the more I see it in the way others treat me, and therefore, I hate it even more that the same attitude exists in me. In his book, “Deliver Us from Me-Ville,” David Zimmerman makes a good point about how we relate to others. He says that we relate to others based on what we understand best: our own attitudes about things.

It’s so important to remember that each person has their own reasons and attitudes the way they treat you, whether they’re being rude, or abrupt, or abrasive, even whether they're smiling, laughing, and being friendly. And for the most part, that reason has nothing to do with you.

Walks and Awakenings

Life has been pretty uneventful lately. What I really mean is there’s not been overall soap opera style drama lingering behind each scene in my life. I’ve just had some subtle “great” moments over the past few weeks.

A couple weeks ago I met a friend downtown. It was a totally random thing. It was a Friday night at 11 PM. We were both bored and broke, so we decided just to walk around the city for a while. I love that type of spontaneity—the kind that requires minimal risk and no money. Anyway, as it turns out, it was a perfect summer night for such a thing. The air was warm, the city was lit just right, and good conversation blended flawlessly with the din of light traffic and outdoor patio gatherings. It’s been a long time since I went downtown at night. It seemed the last time I was down there it was a lot more threatening. But this time, there were fewer strangers. I even felt a sort of camaraderie with the homeless and poor that shuffled by. I somehow felt safer than I recall feeling seven years ago when my friends and I loudly assaulted the city, hopping from bar to bar in our high heels, tight jeans and tank tops. This time I was dressed shoddily in my flip-flops, comfy jeans, and a T-shirt. I believe I even apologized to my friend for my casual wardrobe. But the fact was I wasn’t safer, I just had less fear in general. For me, that was a good feeling. Having struggled with anxiety for so long, I am now finally able to see the progress over the years. I wonder how I will look on these years in seven years…

The life lesson I’m wrestling with right now is self-absorption. This is a tough one for two particular reasons. First, I must unlearn what I’ve learned from birth. Namely, that my life is not about me and even more importantly, that OTHER people’s lives are not about me. The other reason this is so difficult to face is because it means I have to trust God in a way that I have never trusted Him before. It’s actually quite a complicated triangle of trust. Since my life can’t be about me, it must be about serving God by serving other people. Serving others requires vulnerability of my time, my finances, and my heart. And if I’m so vulnerable to others, some of whom will undoubtedly take advantage, manipulate, under-appreciate, or disappoint in some way, how do I ever expect to survive? That’s where the lesson comes in: if I do become incapacitated somehow through service, then I know I’m doing it for myself, for my glory and my admiration. I expect I’ll obtain some battle scars, but if I remember that my life is not my own, that it is held in the hands of a loving God who never fails or disappoints, and if I remember that my service is the overflow of the blessings He’s given me, then I won’t be broken.

As for the part about unlearning what I was taught at birth, that is, that life (mine and other people’s) is all about me, now THAT will take some serious prayer. I take comfort in the fact that almost everyone, especially those in my generation, are just as self-absorbed. It’s most obviously displayed in our tendency to blame everyone and everything else for the problems in our lives, that is, our belief in “external control.” I’m reading a book by David Zimmerman called “Deliver Us From Me-Ville.” One researcher he quotes, Jean Twenge, says this about our generation: “The average GenMe college student in 2002 had more external control beliefs than 80% of college students in the early 1960s. External control beliefs increased about 50% between the 1960s and 2000s.” Ouch! So basically, I belong to a generation of schmucks and babies, myself included.

Now that I realize my tendency towards self-absorption, I must act. But it is difficult. The more I realize how self-absorbed I am, the more I realize how self-absorbed I am. Yeah, that’s right...it’s redundant…it’s ugly…it’s thick…it’s sticky…it’s difficult to escape, but I’m determined not to live out the rest of my youth in a bubble devoted to me…a metaphorical womb, if you will. It’s not about me. It’s about a God who knows me better than I know myself. Who knows what is best for me. Who knows all my needs and my desires and who is not and will not hold out on me.

This will be a long and difficult journey, but no doubt it will result in another amazing realization of God’s power and greatness.

School is in session...for life!

You will never stop learning new things as long as you never stop being teachable.

A little encouragement

This is something I wrote a couple months back, but never posted. I have a friend right now who is going through a really tough time and I thought maybe they could find some encouragement through this:

"This period of growth has been the hardest time of my life. I envy people who seem to have it together, like Rachel, Kristin, Joyce Meyer...well, pretty much EVERYONE else. I know it's not true. I know everyone has their own trials, and this one is mine: I'm alone. It's exactly where I need to be. I know this because it's uncomfortable, but not unbearable.

Right now it takes extremes for me to get back to ok. Before, I used to read my Bible and pray just in the morning. Now I have to read my Bible in the morning, on my lunch break, and when I get home from work. I have to read it out loud even so that my mouth is speaking truth and my ears are hearing truth. I've become so aware lately of all the lies I have believed my entire life. It's almost to the extreme that I could practically say I've based a lot of my life on lies. Here are some that affect my life every day:

1.) I'm going to throw up.
2.) I can't do this.
3.) People don't like me.
4.) I'm stupid.
5.) I'm unloveable.
6.) I have to earn everyone's love and acceptance. I can't just be myself.
7.) I would rather die.
8.) God's promises don't apply to me because I'm not good enough.
9.) I'm unacceptable the way I am.
10.) I'm not worthy of good things.

That's just the top ten. Millions of other lies probably work their way in between during the day. Believing these things has caused me so much pain over 27 years. I can't imagine how fulfilling life would be if I believed God's truths, such as:

1.) I can do ALL things through Christ.
2.) I am accepted and adopted by God.
3.) I am healed.
4.) God loves me and His love is unconditional.
5.) God is merciful.
6.) God wants me to live an abundant and fulfilling life.
7.) God hears me when I cry out.
8.) God is NOT holding out on me.
9.) I am made acceptable through Him.
10.) I have peace.

I've spent too much of my young life believing lies instead of God's truth...what a waste of a life!"

As hard as it was for me (I will say it again: IT WAS HARD!) to believe God when I wrote this, I knew with a quiet, but powerful part of myself that I had no other choice but to believe God if I ever wanted the pain to go away. I'm not sure exactly when I wrote this--sometime within the last 3 months. Here I am only about 3 months later feeling normal again. Am I completely healed? No, not yet, but I have hope, excitement for the present and the future, and a security in Christ that I didn't realize could be a reality in my life. You WILL get through this, my friend. Trust God even if you're afraid to. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight."