Excessive Reasoning

This is an article I came across by Joyce Meyer. This is exactly what I needed to hear, but I think it applies to almost everyone to a certain extent. Enjoy!

Set Free from Excessive Reasoning
by Joyce Meyer

Many Christians live in the shallow area of their soul—they live by what they want, think and
feel. That’s where I was for a good part of my early years as a Christian. But thankfully, God
didn’t leave me there. He began calling me to come out into the deep—to begin following the
leading of His Spirit instead of the dictates of my flesh.

God dealt strongly with my emotions and my will. Then He moved to the area of my mind,
where I had some major strongholds of wrong thinking that needed to be changed—reasoning
being one of the worst.

I was a person who was heavily into reasoning, always trying to figure out the "why" behind
something and planning excessively for what was ahead. But one day God required me to give it
up. He showed me that reasoning is the opposite of trust and that I couldn’t do both at the same
time. He then led me to some specific scriptures that opened my eyes to the condition of my
mind and showed me what I needed to do to bring about change.

Stay In Your Right Mind

The Bible says that there is a mind of the flesh and a mind of the Spirit. Romans 8:6,7 says that
the mind of the flesh is sense and reason without the Holy Spirit; it is hostile to God and will not
submit itself to His ways. In other words, the mind of the flesh is heavily into reasoning and
thrives on figuring things out on its own.

On the other hand, the mind of the Spirit is life and peace; it brings health and peace to our
mind, will, and emotions (see Romans 8:6). How do we have the mind of the Spirit? By having
our minds constantly renewed with the Word (see Ephesians 4:23). Little by little the Word
washes away the wrong thinking and replaces it with truth.

So to stay in our "right mind," we need to be in God’s Word regularly and follow what it says.
Anytime we see something in Scripture, or God speaks something to us in our spirit and we
refuse to do it, reasoning has somehow gotten involved and deceived us into believing something
other than the truth. I have found that when God speaks to us through His Word or in our inner
man, we are not to reason, debate, or ask ourselves if what He has said is logical. When God
speaks, we are to mobilize—not rationalize.

Does that mean we throw away all common sense and personal planning? No. I believe it’s
wisdom to have a plan, and common sense is essential for daily living. But we can’t let our plan
and logical reasoning override what God is telling us to do. Proverbs 3:5,6 says, Lean on, trust in,
and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or
understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and
make straight and plain your paths. If the Lord is giving us direction, we will have peace about it
in our spirit—it may not make sense in our head, but in our heart, we will know it’s right.

Stand Against Second-Guessing

One of the dangers of reasoning is that it can cause us to be double-minded. James 1:8
describes the double-minded man as a man of two minds that is …unstable and unreliable and
uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides]. Sometimes God will ask us to do
something that initially we accept. However, just as we start to do it, the mind of the flesh kicks
in and wants to know every detail of the plan.

That’s what happened when God asked me to quit my job and take my ministry north, south,
east and west. My mind began to reason and ask questions like, Where are you going to get the
money to do that? Who’s going to help you? What are your friends going to say? It wasn’t long
before I became so confused that I began to waver back and forth, wondering if I should step out or not. In distress, I went to God for direction. After He reassured me to step out in faith and quit my job, He told me how to stand against the temptation to second-guess what He told me. He said, "Every time your mind begins to question My Word, say, ‘I don’t have the answers to all those questions, but this is what God told me to do right now. Therefore, I am going to take this step and trust God to give me the answers I need for the steps I still have to take.’"

Avoid Being Closed-Minded

There have also been times when God has told me to do something, but my flesh was totally
opposed to it. In my spirit I sensed a peace and a prompting to do it. But my soul didn’t want to
do it, didn’t feel like doing it, and didn’t think it was a good idea. In situations like these, I believe we need to remind ourselves that God’s thoughts and ways are higher than ours (see Isaiah 55:9). Proverbs 20:24 says, A man’s steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way? (NIV). Again, this is where we must choose to trust the Lord and line up our will with His. We need to step out and begin doing what He has told us. This is how we exalt God’s Word above what we want, think, and feel. I can tell you from experience that once you start doing this, you will begin to see more and more victory in every area of your life.

Now, it’s okay to ponder something if you need an answer on how to deal with a situation—just
ponder it in your spirit and not in your head. In other words, ask God some questions and then be still and listen for His response. Just say, "Lord, I would like to have some clarity and direction on this. Please show me what to do." If He gives you enlightenment, that’s great. But if you don’t sense Him telling you anything or you start getting confused, stop asking questions. His silence may be a sign that it’s not time for you to know the answer to what you’re asking. And if you get confused, you’ve gone too far and are back into reasoning.

A Prayer for Change

I believe it’s very important that we stop trying to figure everything out on our own. Life is so
much sweeter now that the Lord has set me free from excessive reasoning. I am no longer living
in a perpetual state of confusion and frustration. Instead, I am able to follow the peace of the
Holy Spirit and discern God’s will for my life.

If the Lord is speaking to you through this article, then I encourage you to get into agreement
with Him—get honest with yourself and accept His conviction. Say, "Lord, I hear You, and I agree with You. I will stop consulting my mind, will and emotions for direction, and I will follow the leading of Your Spirit. Please forgive me for trying to figure things out on my own. I realize that apart from You, I can do nothing, so I ask You to change me, and give me the grace to trust and acknowledge You in all I do. Thank You, Lord. In Jesus name, Amen."

Breaking Away

I'm finding that a lot of the things I want to say or I hope will be true for me are already written in a song. Here's another one:

Breaking Away

by Seventh Day Slumber

I’ve finally realized that all my dreams lost

Were lost because of me

But tonight, I am changing the way things used to be

And all these memories will be erased

Breaking away

From everything that’s hopeless

The road ahead looks wonderful

Breaking away

From everything that’s hopeless

The road ahead looks wonderful today

Another day of life

One more chance to live for more than me

I’m reaching out to take the hand of Someone I can’t see

And all these memories will be erased

Tonight will be the night

No more waiting, I’ve spent life waiting

Take this heart of mine

No more waiting, I give myself to You

http://youtube.com/watch?v=qk99JO1qmt8

I've got a case of the Mondays....

Well, it’s Monday again…but it’s really Tuesday; it just feels like Monday. Blegh. I didn’t really have much of a weekend, but I did enjoy my day off for Memorial Day and I’ll actually have a real weekend next weekend. I can’t wait! It’s the Union retreat. I really need to get away. I haven’t been able to get away from here for about a month since I started working my second job. I miss the freedom, but I guess this is the penalty for messing up my finances last year. Hopefully this won’t last too much longer, ‘cuz it’s already starting to take a toll on me. I’m a woman that needs her free time. Some people can work a full time job and a part time job all while taking classes full time and raising three kids. I’m not one of those people. I never have been…probably never will be. But isn’t that ok? I mean, people think that just because they can do something that means that you can do it too. I guess I probably could, but I couldn’t be myself if I had to do that. I’m doing a Bible study by Beth Moore called “Breaking Free,” and this morning the study was about reflecting God’s glory. I know that I can do all things through Christ, but I don’t know if stretching myself to the limit is a great way to reflect God’s glory. On the other hand, in my weakness is probably the best time for reflecting God’s glory since I CAN’T do it on my own strength….

Haha! Maybe I just need to be quiet and let God do his thing through me. I need to stop complaining about how I feel and just choose to reflect His glory no matter what, because if I wait until I feel like glorifying Him, I’ll never glorify Him. That’s one thing I learned as I was praying this morning. It was like, “God, help me to glorify you.” And then he was like, “Why don’t you just choose to glorify me? ‘Cuz Satan’s never going to allow you to feel like it.” So, I decided I would try. And then I asked God to at least hold it at the front of my mind today that I chose to glorify Him today despite how I feel. And right now I feel really anxious. Here’s the dilemma unfolding right before you, folks! How do I reflect God’s glory when I simultaneously feel like I’m being choked, that I’m going to throw up or pass out at any second, when I feel like I’m just going to explode, but at the same time I want to curl up inside myself? I must have let something in, some bad attitude, bad thought, negative word, early this morning that is starting to manifest itself in my actions right now. I don’t even remember what it was, but from the moment I got out of bed to slap the snooze the first time, I’ve felt a heaviness, a weakness, an emptiness. My mortgage person sent me an e-mail last week with the subject, “The Way to Live your Life.” The e-mail simply said, “Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, ‘Oh no…she’s awake!!’” I’m pretty sure when I got out of bed this morning, the phrase was more like, “Haha! We got her!”

And now it’s afternoon and I have an hour and ten minutes before I have to go to my second job. That means I have an hour and ten minutes to get myself in gear. I have do what I should have done first thing this morning—I have to glorify God…I have to act….and pray…a lot…

Dirty, filthy, no good, lying....!

Every time I hear a sermon, there’s always that one “thing” that sticks, even if it isn’t the main message. Yesterday, the message was called “The Power of Lies.”

(If you have about a half hour, you should listen to it. It was pretty powerful http://www.adabible.org/weekend_services/audio_download.php?id=119).

The most powerful thing I took away from the sermon was when he talked about how Satan deceived Eve; how he deceives all of us the same way by making it seem like God is holding out on us. “God didn’t REALLY say you couldn’t do that, did he? ‘Cuz, you know, you really feel like (drinking, having sex, swearing, etc.). It couldn’t possibly be THAT bad…” It makes me really mad that I have fallen for this simple lie over and over and over again. But then my Bible says that God forgives me over and over and over again. Why would he do that? Praise God he is “long-suffering!” It’s just so hard to imagine. I guess the closest resemblance of how God loves me is how my parents love me. I can’t count how many times I’ve disappointed them to a great degree. I’ve done things that I was sure would cause them not to want to call me their daughter anymore, but they lovingly claimed me as their own over and over again, and I’m sure I’ll keep messing up and they will keep claiming me as their own.

As I’m writing this, I’m thinking about how the Israelites kept disobeying God and how the kings of the old testament disobeyed God over and over again. My thought is, “Dude, just forget about it. They’re never going to get it.” That’s so human. But also, I guess I feel that way because I don’t know the Israelites and I don’t know the old testament kings. I don’t have a relationship with them. They don’t really mean anything to me, except that they are an example of what I shouldn’t be like. And that makes me wonder if my attitude about God’s forgiveness towards me stems from a deep internal belief that God doesn’t know me. Maybe I have come to believe that he doesn’t really desire a relationship with me and that he’s bailed on me because of the things I’ve done.

“God, do you really know how bad this is? Do you know that my thoughts are still so wrong and messed up? Can you see that I don’t really WANT to change? That a part of me likes this sin?”

My Bible says He knows every dirty little thing about me (Psalm 139). He knows my heart and that even though I want to do good (the Holy Spirit inside me, anyway), sometimes I’m more interested in being human (Romans 7:21). And he still wants me! I am his adopted daughter (Romans 8:15)! That’s the truth I should be believing, but I have chosen to believe the lies. I’ve chosen to believe that if I’m not pretty or smart or happy or sad or enough I won’t be acceptable. I’ve chosen to believe that I can earn God’s love, and on the same token, that I can lose his love. I’ve chosen to believe that if I don’t take action when he’s telling me to be still and that if I don’t be still when he’s telling me to act, I’m not going to be happy. The truth is that God knows me better than I know myself. He knows what is best for me. That means that even if I think I know myself and he’s asking me to do something that I believe is “out of character” for me, I better do it. If He’s asking me to do it, I know I can do it (Philippians 4:13). The truth is that God is not holding out on me. He has my best interest in mind, just like he had the Israelites best interest in mind. Just because he’s asking me to do something that doesn’t feel very good right now, I know He’s doing it because he wants something better for me. And I won’t believe the lie that “it will be this uncomfortable forever” either!

So, I had to ask God how I get my mind renewed. The answer is obvious: fill my mind with his truth—his word. I’m done being pulled away from God’s plan for my life because of the lies I believe. I’m ready to follow Him in faith, renewing my mind in Him every day.

Romans 12:2 “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Happy Birthday!

7:35 A.M. Happy Birthday to me! While driving to work this morning, I was struggling with what to get myself for my birthday. New shoes? No, too expensive. New ouTfit? Also too expensive. A cake? Nah, I don’t want to gain weight. A motorcycle? I’d have to save up a while for that. So, I decided the perfect gift today would be the gift of “unruly-ness.” Yes! Inexpensive (as long as you don’t get caught) and fun! I had planned on running a couple red lights and driving slow in the passing lane, you know, let Uncle Lester shine in all his comfy brown sweater glory. Alas, that fell through too because I realized that I didn’t update my plate tabs, which was supposed to be done by today, and I don’t want to draw any attention to my car. I got pulled over last year on my birthday because my plate was expired (it really wasn’t, it just wasn’t updated in the computer. I love Michigan…). But since there is an abundance of dumb drivers in Michigan, I was not altogether disappointed when I received the greater gift of watching the guy in front of me break all the traffic rules. Yes, it was entertaining to watch him totally blow a stop sign and then make a left-hand turn from the far right lane! You go, brother! Thank you! You made my day!

It also made my day that the radio station I listen to aired a really great song called “Not A Slave” by JR (the singer, not the ex-boyfriend…). Actually, they aired a lot of good songs on my way to work, but that’s the one that caught my attention. It really makes sense and it’s something that God’s really dealing with me on. I’m not a slave anymore! “For you have not received a spirit of slavery to put you once more in bondage to fear…” (Romans 8:15). I think that also means I don’t have to be a slave to depression, a bad attitude, insecurity, etc. either. Wonderful! I just have to get over this bump. I have to dress myself in the full armor of God every day AND KEEP IT ON! I have to stop taking it off when I begin to feel safe again because that’s exactly when I get attacked, and then I’m stumbling and trembling and trying to get the armor back on. By the time I’m dressed again, my belt is too loose, my breastplate is on backwards, I’ve got two left boots on, and I find I’ve misplaced my shield… Anyway, I’m not a slave, devil! I have freedom in Christ!

I started this day by wondering what I’ve accomplished in my 27 years on the planet. Bad idea. My thoughts too quickly turn to the negative…what I HAVEN’T accomplished, all my failures. It seems like there are more failures than successes. I’ve had a lot of success in my life. I finished college, which is huge for me, because I tend to quit things when they get tough. I went off medication for anxiety after being on it for six years. I’ve lost 30 pounds in less than a year. I have good credit. Hm, I look at this list of “successes” and I can’t help but say “It doesn’t matter.” ‘Cuz it really doesn’t…(see “Meaningless!” below). The most important things in life are the ones that have eluded me. Relationships, security in Christ alone, peace. But that’s all hum-drum talk and I’m tired of it. Every day things will get better. I actually had a few moments of true, deep down peace today. Even though it only lasted for a little while, it’s probably the most peace I’ve had in a long while. Praise God!

“Blessed be your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be your name"

3:25 P.M. The State of Michigan gave me a birthday gift…new license plate tabs…yay… I also gave them a gift…$76.00…yippee… When I got to the Secretary of State office, they were calling number 15. An hour later, they were at 25. I was number 147, but really I wasn’t. The “1” was actually an “I” and I guess they drop the letter, so I was really number 47, but I like the dramatic effect of telling you that I was number 147. Anyway, I left the packed out office, which smelled like a funeral home, by the way, and shopped around a bit. I turned to my left, and behold, an ATM that gives you license plate tabs sat unattended! So, I quickly…..passed it up for the 25 cent Mike-n-Ike machine, put my quarter in and got about 3 chewy, fruity Mike-n-Ike’s….then went back to the license plate ATM and got my tabs in about 3 minutes flat. So as not to get pulled over, I abruptly ripped the sticker off and attached it to my car. After rudely insulting the tab for costing me $76.00 and a wasted hour on my birthday I stood up only to find that the car I attached the sticker to was not my car………. JK! Fortunately, it WAS my car. But the story would have been more interesting if it hadn’t been my car. DRAMA!

I love birthdays! It’s the one day during the year that everyone loves you. Actually, what they really love is the cake that gets served (Jim Gaffigan is right), but whatever, I’ll buy people’s affection with cake. Naaaahhhh. Thankfully, this year my birthday was not made a spectacle by my co-workers and some people didn’t even know about it, so that was good. But I was pleasantly surprised to find a nice set of pink gerber daisies from my co-workers and 2 dozen roses from a “secret admirer” (I think it was actually one of my friends from Spotlight, but there was no note…) waiting at my desk for me when I got back from the stinky SOS.

So, it’s been a pretty good birthday. God’s gift to me today was the gift of peace. I couldn’t ask for more.

Do your friends poop on your carpet???

Yeah, she looks cute in the picture, but I think I'm going to kill my dog. I have an open house in a little over a week and she has pooped on the carpet three times this week...twice today.

I found I have a very bad temper when it comes to things like this. I'm incredibly stressed out and lonely right now, but that isn't an excuse. Life happens and I have to learn to deal with it.

This has been a bad day...period. No, I take that back; it's been a mostly bad day. I've been having great devotions this week, I called in for a mental health day on Monday and spent the entire day praying, reading my Bible, and reflecting, I've been reciting verses all day...but I am FURIOUS right now! I think I pissed Satan off...I'm not really sorry about that.

I KNOW that even though I don't feel like it right now, I DO have victory in life. I may have slipped a couple times today, but I do have the victory. Tomorrow will be better. Peace out.

Rest

Why is it so hard for me to rest? Why can't I be still?

Rest
by Skillet

Still, soft, quietly spoken voice
That persistently calls my name
And quickens my heart to come
And I come

And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of Your Grace
And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of You

Embraced in the promise of You
Is rest for the weary soul
Releasing all that is mine
I reach for you

And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of Your Grace
And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of You

Take all the old and You make it new
Everything I give to you
You’re the hope that can pull me through
Hallelujah

And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of Your Grace
And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of You.

Awakening!

God did something very powerful in my life Saturday morning, and he started preparing me for it on Friday. Actually, I take that back. He’s been preparing me for this for a long time, as I learned while I read through my prayer journal from the past few months. Friday was the just the catalyst for what happened Saturday.

So, Friday when I got to work, the manager said they cut my hours for Saturday. Of course, my heart jumped a little (I was not looking forward to working an indefinite number of days in a row). On the other hand, I thought, “I could really use the money. Especially since the state of Michigan thinks I owe them more money…turdballs!” At any rate, I didn't put up a fight…I could use the rest. And besides, I thought maybe this was God’s doing. When I woke up Saturday morning, I was unmotivated to do my devotions like I normally do in the morning, but God spoke to my heart, “I gave you this morning for a good reason. I’m going to bless you today.” So, as unmotivated as I felt, I got out of bed like usual, let Bella out as usual, made a pot of coffee as usual, and began to pray as usual….and nothing happened…at first. Finally, I got real with God and God got real with me.

This week he has laid Proverbs 3:5-6 on my heart:

“Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.”

I never realized it until recently, but for a very long time I’ve been depending on what I understand—depending on it! What do I understand??? I know nothing of my life, except that God is. Think about that! That’s all anyone REALLY knows!

I asked God how I stop thinking about and analyzing my life and my future. He told me to do the same thing I did when I went through a major period of rebirth a few months back. At that time, he asked me if I was going to stand on the word of Alissa or the word of God. This time he asked if I’m going to go through life trusting what I think I know, or what I know he knows. As long as I’ve been trusting in my own thoughts and desires, I have had nothing but pain. In fact, I’ve been reading through some of my journals from 8 years ago when I went to college. It’s frightening to see how it all started knowing what the result would be 8 years later. It began with me turning on all my emotions, feelings, gut reactions. It’s not necessarily bad to turn away from your feelings unless you are relying on them to get through life. But I went in the total opposite direction. I went to complete rationalization. I think this is almost worst than relying on emotions, because as I look back on the last few years, I can see how I was able to rationalize or justify my sins. Anyway, when I began to analyze everything in my life, these eight painful years of anxiety also began.

There were a couple entries that caught my attention. The first I wrote on June 13, 2001, “My brain, which has become the larger component in ‘The Chronicles of the Love Life of Alissa’ since ‘The Big Tramplings’ of semester one of 2000, made sense of all the heart’s nonsense (we will never trust the heart again).” After that, almost three months to the day, on September 8, 2001 I wrote,“There is something terribly wrong with me. My soul is not at ease. I am lonely and afraid. I am fearful at night when I am awakened. Day does not comfort me. I am vulnerable.” During the time in between those two dates, I experienced my first panic attack, I either woke up in the middle of the night afraid or couldn’t sleep, I began to think too much and try to solve problems that were not mine to solve, and worst of all, I began to depend on my on mind rather than God’s faithfulness.

Before I started to trust my mind, I had gone through months and months of agony over a guy who broke up with me for no apparent reason and then rejected me at every turn. I think I became so tired of feeling that I decided that the only way I was going to stop feeling was to start thinking. The pain of that relationship ending stopped, but an entirely new pain began which also started me down this long road of anxiety and insecurity.

During those times of emotional pain, I also kept a separate prayer journal. God was doing amazing things. He had given me peace and I was learning to depend on Him even though I felt so sad. When I gave up on Him, the pain was deeper, more detrimental, and it lasted much, much longer.

It has been 7 years!! If only I would have let God do His thing then, even if it would have taken another year of emotional pain, at least I wouldn’t have gone through the 7 years of anxiety I have gone through. I cannot let that happen again. The emotional pain is still there, and it may be for a long time, but I am going to allow God to take a strong hold on me this time. I will take every moment of pain in it’s entirety as it comes and I’ll let myself feel it completely, knowing that it is being released to and disposed of by my Creator who wishes to make me the woman He created me to be.

This is a very frightening time for me, but it’s also kind of exciting. God is speaking! If anyone is reading this, please pray that I’ll hear, listen, and follow God’s voice as he molds me.

My One Goal in LIfe

I have lost too many years.

I have either relied on feelings or logic, but never on the Spirit. When God is obviously telling me what to do, there is no place for my feelings and my mind...his Spirit is separate from all that. My one and only goal for my life is to enjoy as many days of my life as I have left by walking in His Spirit and His truth. I know that I won't always be happy and I won't always feel calm, but I can always be joyful knowing that He Is and that I can always rest in Him.

Ecclesiastes 12:13 [Amplified] sums it up:

"All has been heard; the end of the matter is: Fear God [revere and worship Him, knowing that He is] and keep His commandments, for this is the whole of man [the full, original purpose of his creation, the object of God's providence, the root of character, the foundation of all happiness, the adjustment to all inharmonious circumstances and conditions under the sun] and the whole [duty] for every man."

JR's blog

I added a link to JR's blog. He's an amazing writer and God is doing some amazing things in his life as well, so it's worth it to have a look at it.

Disclaimer: I can't read it. I can't bring myself to do it yet, so if anyone is reading this and you read his too, please don't tell me what's going on with him...I think it's better for me not to know just yet. Thanks, and enjoy! You're in for a treat!

God Dependence

I can’t concentrate at all today. Actually, I really haven’t done much actual work for about a week. I’m beginning to feel like an orphan in the world. All I used to cling to in order just to get through life, I no longer have. I’m beginning to see probably what is only the first of the things in this world that I cling to for comfort. Obviously, JR was one. But there's other stuff like work and grinding my teeth (oddly enough) that were not so obvious to me until recently.

On Monday our office got flooded so we got shoved into a conference room. It’s four of us sitting at one table, practically on top of each other! This is what the corporate world likes to call “team-building through catastrophe.” I call it the perfect time level up my annoyance factor (hehe). I’m sitting next to a very conservative older woman who does not find my random outbursts of air-guitar, rockfists, head-banging, and “Oops, I just farted” very amusing. The less amused she is, the more annoying I want to be. I think I’m going to bring her some donuts next week for her display of good character while sitting next to me. She’s a good woman.

Anyway, so back to the insightful side…being about 2 inches away from the next person, I’m starting to realize how much I grind my teeth during the day. I was just wearing my mouthpiece at night, but I’m having to wear it during the day now too so I don’t drive anyone nuts. It really sucks because when I wear it I have a really bad lisp. I keep forgetting that I have it in, too, so when I walk out to the printer and give a big ole plastic smile at passers-by all I receive in return is a look like they know there’s something wrong with my face, but they can’t quite place what it is. And I’m like, “Oh, thorry, iths juth my mouthpieth.” And then a nervous laugh...”heh…heh..”

But the thing I’ve noticed is that now that I can’t grind my teeth, I’m very antsy. Grinding my teeth is a coping mechanism. Another coping mechanism…coffee. This round of pain in my life hasn’t led me to anything generally considered “bad,” like alcohol, cigarettes, and men, but I’m recognizing that it’s still a vice, which I think makes it bad still. Like, I’m usually in a pretty good mood until about noon when the 4 cups of coffee have worn off. The thing is, though, that I’m brilliant on a caffeine buzz! I’m witty, confident, and motivated. I could conquer the world. Then it wears off and I’m depressed and lonely. So I go for another 4 cups and I’m ok. Not good. A vice is a vice.

So I have to ask myself why I’m trying to find something…anything…to fulfill my needs besides God? Why am I doing this to myself? It’s torture! I know that I need Him, I just don’t know how to depend on him. Something hasn’t settled within me. I’ve been broken, but maybe not enough? But I don’t want to be broken anymore because this has been painful enough! I better just get my butt in gear and just trust him. Maybe He’s calling me just to obey him this time. Maybe I'm mature enough to do that now. Maybe he’s tired of me changing my life out of fear, brokenness, and humility. Maybe He just wants me to do it because it's what I'm supposed to do.

I know what I have to do! If I would spend even half the time communicating with God as I did communicating with JR, I would be totally dependent on Him in no time! I just have to pray. I have to evaluate my motive for EVERYTHING I do. I need to fill my head and my heart with his word. I have to fill the air with His praise. I just have to jump...

What Working in Corporate America has taught me.

I've been working corporate America for over 3 years now. If you asked me about trends, profits, capital, budgets, goals, etc. I couldn't tell you one thing. But be not discouraged! The years I have spent in my box in a box in a box have not been wasted! Here's some things I have learned:

What I’ve learned about working with men:

When one woman works with two men, the men generally behave, the conversation is usually pretty good, and much work is done. However, if you throw in a third man, the guys start talking about beer and sports, less work gets done, and worst of all, everybody starts farting. Seeing how drastically the dynamic changes when one additional man gets thrown in the mix makes me wonder: Does it take really take THREE men to offset ONE woman???

What I’ve learned about working with women:

Women are ruthless toward other women. If I don’t want anyone to talk badly about me, I better never leave the room.

What I’ve learned about using the women’s public bathroom:

If two women are in the bathroom and both have to poop, one of two things will happen:

1.) They will sit and wait for the other to leave before doing their business, or
2.) They will wait for a third woman to enter the bathroom so that no one knows who is making that sound and producing the accompanying odor.

What I’ve learned about the office water cooler:

If you are a 5 foot 1 inch, 116 pound girl, you will inevitably ALWAYS be the one who has to lift the new 5 gallon water cooler onto the dispenser.

What I've learned about "[so-and-so] is pursuing new job opportunities:"

If your boss tells you that "so-and-so is pursuing new job opportunities," it means they HAVE to because they just got canned for some obscure reason and are going to be rumored about around the office for the next few months.

What I've learned about being fired (if I ever do get fired):

If I ever get fired, I hope they will make it somewhat fun for me. Like, my dream firing would be if they made me wait in a cement room with one chair and a spotlight and got someone to dress up like the terminator and say in an Austrian accent, "Yoo've been torminaated."

MEANINGLESS: Part 2

Ok, I need to hurry up and get this "series" closed so I can talk about all the other cool stuff that is happening in my life (there's so much, I'd probably have a hundred blogs a day!).

So, meaningless....alright, so you might be wondering what you're supposed to do if life is meaningless...should we all just kill ourselves? should we sell everything and give all the money to the poor? should we just eat, drink, and be happy? No, no, and no.... Of course, I don't have the "answer" answer, but here's what I think, and I think it's pretty simple (almost too simple): We are all here because God wants us here. God is love and he wants to love us. Have you ever known the kind of love that just makes you want to love others? It's almost frustrating and uncontrollable joy! It's an antsy love that must be spread because it's too much for our bodies to contain. That's God's love working in and through us. I think maybe that's how God felt and that's why he created mankind.

There was one morning I was praying and I had a incredible moment with God. I asked him why he was being so good to me because I didn't deserve it because of what I had done. I asked him what I could do for him. He said to my heart, "Nothing you can do will ever be enough to deserve my love. I am loving, faithful, and forgiving because that's who I AM." That was the MOST amazing moment of my life. That was the first time in my life I can ever remember being happy to be alive!

So, when it comes down to it, living life is pretty simple. It's about accepting God's love and loving God...truly loving God by keeping his commandments (summed up in Matthew 22:37-39, "...You shall love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: you shall love your neighbor as yourself." Also, check out Ecclesiastes 12:13. And if you're not sure how to love, check out 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8. I spent a lot of time studying these verses. I'll have to write about love in a separate blog).

Life is meaningless otherwise....

MEANINGLESS!!!! (Part 1)

I only have a half hour before I have to take off for work, so there might have to be a "Part 2" to this....or maybe I won't have as much to say as I think I do. At any rate, the one thing I would like to say, and I think it might actually be the secret to my happiness, (are you ready for this?) is that my life is meaningless. I told some people at work today that everyone's life is meaningless....people don't like it when you tell them that. One thing's for sure: I won't ever be a good candidate as a college career counselor.

Now let me clarify: What I mean is that most of the time, for many people, the things we choose to matter in our lives like having a prestigious job, making lots of money, looking pretty, having a house, a car, etc, even sometimes going to church (I'm not being blasphemous here. Check out Ecclesiastes 5:1) makes absolutely no impact on most of the population. In fact, if it does have an impact on anyone it's usually a negative impact on the people you love the most, and also yourself. The reason? Because most of the time, we do things as a means to a happy ending, and we're miserable doing it. "I'm so miserable. If I had a good job, I could make more money, I could have a bigger house, a better car, etc. and then I'll be happy!" Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with having a good job, making a lot of money, etc, etc, but shouldn't all the "means" to the ending also be happy??? Because, if you think about it, the happy ending you're looking forward to might never come. You might die before you get to your happy ending, and then you would have spent your entire life miserable for nothing. Additionally, you will have poisoned so many people around you with a bad attitude. That's scary. I'm determined not to make it difficult for people at my funeral to come up with nice things to say about me. Life is miserable enough on its own, why should I make it more miserable for myself and others by choosing a bad attitude over a good one? I don't necessarily WANT to have a second job, that pretty much sucks, but I'm not going to make everyone else miserable because of that, least of all myself!

(Gotta go. More later. I would copy and paste this to Word with no interruption, but I can't do that for some reason....)

Anxiety

Cutting

I’ve been sitting here at work for 3 hours and I have gotten very little done. My mind is racing, and on a scale from 1 to 10, my anxiety is at “I’m going to blow my brains out if this doesn’t end soon.” I have the scissors sitting next to me. I’ve had them in my hand and have even put them on my skin, but I haven’t cut yet. I can’t. I won’t. That’s something I have been set free from, but if I do it even one more time, I will be back in chains.

Gut Reaction

I got an email from JR last night. My gut says I shouldn’t respond, but my mind my keeps spinning, “But if I don’t respond, he’ll get upset, he’ll think I’m being mean, he’ll think I hate him, he’ll think there’s someone else in my life.” It’s tearing me up not to say to him what I want to say. Silence can sometimes be worse than mean words…for both people involved. My own silence is killing me, but I CAN’T respond. I don’t know why I can’t respond…it just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. And I’ve realized that most of the time the answer to the question “Why?” can’t be answered until further down the road and it’s then that you realize either that the choice you made ruined everything or that it turned out for the best. I really believe that as much as not responding to him is going to suck, later on down the road, whether it’s tomorrow, next month, next year, or years from now we’ll both find that it was best that I didn’t. I am so afraid of getting in the way of what God is doing. I did it first by getting into the relationship, then during our relationship. I won’t do that again. It would be the selfish thing to do. I just hope that he will understand and will forgive me.

Insecurity

As for me, I have some stuff I need to work on outside of a relationship…like my insecurity. I want so badly to have all my security in God. I won’t get into a relationship with anyone until I’m better at that. In fact, I’m at the point now where I’m prepared never to be in another relationship. I’m not going to assert my will in that anymore. If anyone asks me out, I will turn him down every time. I’m confident that if God really wants me to be with someone, nothing I can say will keep that guy away.
So, that’s that. I’m done for now.

Finding the deepest hope in the deepest sadness

I have never EVER in my life experienced such lonliness. I don't know what to do with myself and if you asked what you could do for me, I couldn't tell you. No matter where I am or who I am with it's still there. I might be distracted from it for a while, but it's still there. Like last night, I thought it was over. I went to Meghan and Rich's house last night. Rich's kids were there. They're so freaking cool (I definitely need to hang out with kids more)! When they went to bed, Meghan, Rich, and I played Rock Band (good times!). It was a great time and it smothered the lonliness until about noon today (this seems to be the pattern for me. Every day at about 12 or 1, I start to feel it again). I don't know where it's all coming from--probably years and years of always depending on other people.

I'm pretty sure it's not just from not being with JR, but that certainly is making it worse. I have no one...not even myself. I HAVE to be able to find it in God or else I will go through my entire life feeling this way, no matter what. As hard as this is right now to even say, I HAVE to get through this without a vice and without anyone else but God. I am DETERMINED not to let the pain I'm going through right now go to waste. I can either grow through this pain, or I can let it defeat me and therefore have to endure this and more the next time. I've been down that road before that so many people go down when they face trials in their lives...something bad happens, you lean on an old vice, your life gets worse for a while, you get knocked on your butt even harder until you either shoot yourself in the head or decide to let God pick you back up.

Something horrible is happening right now and it's so hard not to reach for my old vice, alcohol, but I CAN'T let myself go down that road again or else I will waste even more of my life. I really do want good things for my life, and I want them sooner rather than later, so I have to get through this by doing the RIGHT things even though that's a zillion times harder than doing the wrong thing. Tomorrow morning I'll probably wake up and not want to work out, but I'm going to force myself to do it because it's good for me. I'm going to force myself to praise God when all I want to do is curse the world. I'm going to force myself to eat good food even though I have no appetite. I'm going to cry instead of trying to hold it in. I am determined to come out of this a better person.

I'm so ronry...

I think sometimes people think if they don't hear from you, you must be ok. I know there have been times when my friends have gone through rough things and I've kind of backed off. For months after Rachel's mom's funeral, I didn't have regular contact with Rachel (I lived with the guilt of that for a very long time). If I could do it over again, I would have called her every day to see how she was doing. I would bring her a pizza or cookies and just sit with her even if she didn't feel like talking. I don't know why I didn't do that. I was younger then, and I hadn't experienced much pain in life so I didn't know what hurting people needed. But now that I'm hurting, I think I might have some idea.

When you lose someone you love, whether through death, divorce, or even by a break-up, you suddenly become aware how much that person saturated your life. It's sad how we act like people somehow mean more to us when they're gone than when they're here. That's certainly not true, I know. We just get used to them being there. A specific part of someone's life has a specific part in my life. When that part is gone, it screws up my "routine." The more space they had in my life, the longer it will take to adjust to not having them there and the more space I have to fill. Right now, I have A LOT of space to fill. It seems like ALL I have is space...emptiness. I wish my friends and family would call me, email me, text me all throughout the day to help fill in the spaces quicker.

The next time a friend or even a stranger loses someone close to them, I am going to be there to fill up the space. I'll call every day until they ask me to stop or stop answering the phone (EVEN IF SOMEONE WOULD JUST CALL SO I COULD SEE THAT I HAVE A MISSED CALL!!!!). I'll stop by and just listen. And if they don't want to talk I'll just be there.

[Afterword: Within hours of writing the top portion, this girl at work, Cathy, saw me crying and asked what I was doing tonight because she was going to come over with her little girl, a six-pack, and a pizza. After that, I received an e-mail from another friend at work, Meghan, inviting me to a cookout at her house with her boyfriend and his kids. THEN, Rachel called!!! And then something REALLY crazy happened......I slept in my bed instead of on the couch! GOD ANSWERS PRAYER IN A BIG WAY!!!!]

What kind of fish am I?

I originally wrote this blog a couple days ago...I've been up and down since then, but this still holds true for me...enjoy.

If someone were to ask me how my night was last night, I wouldn’t be able to form words beyond “amazing” or “incredible.” I’m still attempting to sort it all out and let it sink in. It may take me days to come up with the words to describe it effectively…I might never be able to explain it. But here’s the short of it: most of the day yesterday I sat here and cried because I felt such emptiness from my recent break-up. I was still holding on to the hope of getting back together with him some time down the road, and my prayer was that that would take place. My one concern was God changing him enough so we could be together again. I was miserable, and even though I had hope of being with him again, I still somehow felt hopeless. To make matters worse, one of my best friends wrote to me warning me that I should NOT get back together with him unless it’s years down the road, that I should give up all hope of ever being with him again, in fact, and that I should not communicate with him at all until we’ve both been down the road God has just begun to guide us down. Needless to say, this made me a little angry and hurt at first, but I had to remember that Rachel is wiser than most adults I know. So far she has a perfect record of being right when it comes to “calling things out.” It’s pretty amazing. Everyone needs a Rachel in their life. So anyway, I tried to believe what she was saying as much as it hurt…and it did nothing but hurt. Now the good part: thankfully, I had counseling last night. I walked in with chains and walked out completely free! All the bits and pieces came together. We had discussed my anxiety surrounding eating, my failed relationships, my increasing insecurity and my increased dependence on approval, etc. but all the bits and pieces remained bits and pieces until the subject of me not trusting my “gut feeling” came up. As it turns out, my gut feeling is almost always right. I’ve always had an increase in anxiety when something it not right in my life. It was that way with the last three relationships I was in. It’s not as if the relationships felt bad when I was in them, but I think that I could have saved myself a lot of time and many broken hearts if I had just listened to my “gut.”

Right now my “gut” is telling me to stay single for a while and to just stay still. But the world seems so much smaller now. I feel like I could do anything. My life is open for anything that God might have for me. All I need is his provision. There’s nothing holding me back from doing what he wants me to do next except me, and I don’t want to close myself off. But I’m so anxious to get away, to move on. I can hardly concentrate on anything right now because what I’m doing with my life seems so insignificant compared to what I COULD be doing. I keep searching and searching for some way to break away…but I’m not exactly sure what I’m trying to break away from. I guess just the status quo. Back a few months ago, I told a friend that I had frustrating joy. It’s a joy that is so strong, but I have no way of releasing it. No avenue to express it is wide enough. That’s how I feel right now!

BIG FISH

Have you ever seen the movie “Big Fish?” I watched it not too long ago and I remember feeling really bad about myself after watching it. The movie is basically a flashback of this dying man’s life and the incredible things he did and the unusual people he met and the influence he had on everyone’s lives. I looked at my own life after that and realized that I am not a big fish in a small pond or small fish in a big pond; I am just a small fish…period, and I think I’ve just been flopping around on land, totally oblivious to my need to jump into the pond finally so I don’t suffocate. I’ve been so caught up in my own world, feeding my own desires, but remaining unfulfilled. I no longer feel like that. I feel like I CAN make a difference. I’ve finally realized that the pond exists! Anyway, enough about fish and ponds and stuff….I’m gonna go eat a pizza.

Ramblings on a bunch of stuff....

My phone has been really quiet lately. It used to buzz, beep, and ring all day long…for months. And now it’s silent. It’s really hard to get used to. I’m beginning to realize how little contact I had with people other than JR. He’s the only one in my world that I can’t talk to, but my world is still silent. How can that be? It wouldn’t even matter if I turned my phone off or didn’t e-mail anyone for a week. No one would notice.

I’m hungry to communicate with someone. That’s why I blog a lot now. And I think that’s why my thinking has stopped being obsessive and has become conversational. I guess that’s good in a way, but who am I talking to? No one is hearing me. I guess that’s not completely true; God hears me. But what I’m saying isn’t significant or new or interesting to him. Of course, I guess that I didn’t always say significant, new, or interesting things to JR and he still wanted to hear from me, so why wouldn’t God?

I don’t eat much anymore. It’s not because I’m not hungry or because I’m trying to lose weight. The reason I stopped eating all the time was because I didn’t have enough money to buy much of anything. Then I think I just got lazy and stopped fixing food. I mean, cutting up vegetables all the time is time-consuming and not very rewarding. But also, the price of gas went way up and I could only afford to drive to and from work, which meant I couldn’t make a stop at the grocery store on my way home from work or on a lunch break. It’s not like I have more money right now (although I just picked up a second job), it’s just that I’ve gotten so used to NOT eating that it doesn’t bother me much anymore if I don’t eat a meal all day. It’s interesting how we can become accustomed to going without if we really have to. That’s why I wonder why people who are trying to lose weight think it’s the end of the world if you tell them they just need to eat less. Here’s a good weight loss plan for you: give all your money to me and then you won’t have enough money to buy food or gas to get to the grocery store. You might even have to walk to the store (gasp!). Call me in a couple weeks and let me know how much weight you’ve lost!

People around here are freaking out because the price of food has gone up. There’s a robbery just about every night because supposedly people are getting desperate. I’m sorry that you can’t eat out every meal anymore, that you might actually have to go to the grocery store and pick out ingredients, that you might have to spend some time eating with your family, that you might have to start picking out nutritious food so you’ll actually feel satisfied, or God forbid that you should have to eat the same meal a couple days in a row! I've been doing it for months and I'm just fine!

Oh, my gosh! I can’t stand this silence!!!!

I thought aliens were attacking my city this morning. I mean, really, it HAD to be aliens. Well, I guess the city could have been on fire or maybe we were being bombed, or maybe the Jehovah’s Witnesses were on a mad campaign or some other such tragedy because I can’t figure out any other reason someone would drive down the street at 4:30 in the morning on a Tuesday honking their horn…seriously!

What I've learned about driving slow.

I've been driving really slowly lately. I'm the person in the passing lane that is driving 5-10 mph under the speed limit. Yeah, I'm the one you honk your horn at and I'm the one who admires your demonstration of the dexterity of your middle finger....the one happily putzing along down the rode with an H3 attached to my bumper. Usually I'm the one riding people's tails. It's kind of fun to be the one in front this time. I can see why people do it now. Driving slow makes me feel a certain blissful ignorance. I get to listen to the radio longer on my way home from work. I get to read the witty marquees in front of churches and chuckle at their humor. I guess I'm having such a good time that I just don't care who I'm slowing down; they should have left earlier anyway. I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere anymore and also I drive a 1999 Chevy Malibu I like to call "Uncle Lester." And when you drive a car called "Uncle Lester" you are automatically allowed to drive under the speed limit. And besides, I'm saving gas by driving slower and I'm helping other people save gas too...you'll thank me this summer....

I quit my HHP class today. Well, actually, I didn't quit...I just decided not to go. I would have graduated in the middle of July. The people I've told about my decision are pushing me to stay in until the end because I'm almost done, but I just don't see the point. I've gotten what I want from the class. I wanted knowledge and I got a lot of it. I especially realized how much knowledge there is left to obtain, and that depresses me. I want to know it all, and I just can't. I certainly can't learn it all in six months, so I'm going to go at my own pace and I'm going to be thorough. Besides, I wouldn't have made a very good Holistic Health Practitioner. I'm not sure why I say that...I guess it just makes me feel better about my decision. So that's it. I made a decision and I'm not going to regret it. I have to stop second-guessing myself anyway.

I discovered a new pet peeve today: when you have a very light booger stuck to the inside of your nose, and it flaps in and out when you inhale and exhale. And then when you try to take care of it, you can't blow it out and you can't pick it out...that's really annoying.

My ex-boyfriend sent me an incredible apology this morning via e-mail. It makes me feel better and I think it's going to be easier for me to move on now. His apology was the most sincere and vulnerable thing I've ever heard. Some might say he's incapable of love, but him sending me this e-mail was the most loving thing he has ever done for me. He probably won't ever read this blog and I'm not supposed to contact him, but I have to get this off my chest: JR, I know you'll probably never read this, but I love you DEEPLY. I want to be the one to grow old with you; I want to be the one who supports you in your successes and builds you up in your failures; I want to laugh with you and cry with you; I want to take care of you when you're sick; I want to celebrate with you when your first novel gets published, and when your second and third also get published; I want you to be around when my hunter reaches level 70 (LOL!). But above all that, I want you to break through the heavy chains of your past and allow God to heal you. I want you to realize and experience the peace and the joy and the rest that is yours for the taking. I want you to always know and be confident in God's love. I love you and I will be faithful to pray for you. gluvu!

Picking up where I left off

My ex-boyfriend did a wonderful thing to me even though he meant it to do me harm...he was mean to me. He said mean things about me just to me, but also posted them publicly. At first, I was very upset about it, but now I realize it's probably the best thing he has done for me so far. The reason I say this is because I realized today (again) that I am addicted to the approval of others. There is nothing more frightening for me than not being accepted. Worse than being unacceptable to strangers is being unacceptable to someone you love. His rejection is very painful, but overcoming that pain will be the most rewarding thing for me. I feel like the more I can overcome his rejection, the more secure I'll become. I've reached a point in my life where I NEED to be completely satisfied with God's acceptance only. I think this will be the key to getting rid of my anxiety altogether. I guess we'll all find out! I'm a little afraid of this journey, but I'm also a little excited to see what God will do! So, if anyone is reading this...welcome! This will be an interesting ride!

I just feel like throwing up...

Do you know that feeling that you have in the mornings right after you've lost someone close to you? It's like you've had the wind knocked out of you and you're afraid you'll never breathe again. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just a feeling, but if you're awake long enough you begin to think, and you begin realize the reason you feel this way is because life has changed so drastically. In just one confusing moment, I lost the person that sat front and center in my life. He was the reason I looked forward to the future. He was with me through my hardest times, and now he's gone and I have no hope of ever being with him ever again. Yes, I broke up with him, but I didn't want it to be a permanant thing. I guess it's better this way anyway. This way any changing I do will be sincere. It will be for me and for God, and not for him. But right now, I just feel like throwing up.

Like it or not

I don't usually have much to say. That is, I usually think a lot, then overthink, then I get confused, and by the time I have the chance to put into words what's going on in my head I'm usually too exhausted to try. So, I usually don't have much to say. This blog is where I hope to store my thoughts before they drive me nuts...

All this over-analyzing has been going on for a very long time, but now is the perfect time to start organizing my thoughts. In ten months, I have ended three relationships. The first one lasted five years and included an engagment, the next one was three months and was doomed from the beginning, and the third one was the best of the three. As best of the three, it seems it should not have ended. I wish it didn't have to, but we both agreed that we rushed into it. Unfortunately, when I asked to put the relationship on hold for a while in order to allow us both the time alone that we should have had before we started the relationship, he hung up on me and swept me clean out of his life. Taking into consideration the depth of the pain we both felt, I suppose it's better that he wishes to have nothing to do with me ever again. We can both start over and we can both let God complete what he started in both of us before we began our relationship.

Now I'm alone. I've forced myself into this situation once again. It was not something my flesh wanted at all; it was something my heart needed. I pray that my last boyfriend will be able to forgive me some day, but above all I pray that he will allow God to pick up the pieces and mold him into the man I know he can be. The fact is, we were both awesome, but with some major flaws that didn't fit in a stable relationship. Yes, we could have worked through it, but we would have spent practically our entire lives working through things and only a short amount of time enjoying each other. Maybe being alone will shorten the process. Right now, I hope that going through this will bring me back to him, but I know that no matter what happens, I'll be ok.

Enough about that! Here's a little about me: I grind my teeth a lot. It has gotten really bad in the last year, and the tooth that gets the most abuse is getting sharp and smooth.

I sleep on my couch. I don't know why. I have a bed and it's really comfortable, and besides, when I sleep on the couch there's no room for my dog to sleep except right on my legs, but still I sleep on the couch. If someone can explain this to me, that would be great.

As I mentioned before, I think a lot. If I want to escape my thoughts, I sleep. So, I also sleep a lot. I used to play music, and when I played I don't think I thought or slept as much. Perhaps I need to do that again.

I've been learning a lot about myself over the past several months and I've discovered some good stuff and some horrible stuff. For instance, I'm a perfectionist and I judge people too quickly. I can't overcome my own faults, so I try to fix and nit-pick other people's faults (Thank you, JR, for bringing this to my attention. I didn't realize I did this so often!) I just got a second job as a cashier and as I worked last night, I realized how I was judging everyone in some way as they came to my register. I made positive judgements along with the bad ones. I do this to protect myself. I wish I could just be me (if I knew who that was) and treat everyone the same. But again, I do it to protect myself.

Another way I do this is by putting up walls. I'm sure everyone does this. I guess this blog is a way for me to find security again. If I let down my walls for the world, if I can't hide behind silence, if I'm open and honest and open myself up to criticism and I'm able to be strong throughout, then maybe I'll end up being more secure in who God's made me to be. It's like insecurity bootcamp.

So, here I am, like it or not.