I'd really like to comment about how I feel about my life right now, but it would honestly be such a hodge-podge of mumbo-jumbo and little smidge of poppy-cock, not to mention a healthy serving of self-pity and raw, inconsiderate emotion that I'm sure I would post this and regret it later. So, instead of painting a picture, I'll just give you the "colors."
limbo
sad
letting go of an illusion
angry at myself
angry at God
self-absorbed
unsure
ready to give up for good.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Trust God Instead
I've been cheating God and myself for the past month and a half. I've been trying to fool myself and God, but that only lasts for so long until the truth is buried so deep under a growing pile of lies that it makes you physically ill.
Last June, I wrote in my blog Single for a Year, "That nagging question 'What if Mr. Right comes along tomorrow?' occassionally enters my mind. The truth is that if he is 'Mr. Right' he'll still be around when God tells me it's ok to get into a relationship... As perfect as the relationship may seem to me, I am going to trust God instead."
Honestly, right now I regret writing that. I regret believing it. I regret committing to it. Despite my present regret, though, I KNOW that I spoke that out of wisdom and clarity. When I look back, there are very few times in my life when I really felt like I made a good and right decision, but that day was one of those very rare days.
Since then, my heart has been swept away by a wonderful guy that appears to be able to offer me the type of relationship I've always dreamt of. It's hard to think clearly when all your dreams seem to be unfolding right in front of your face. However, Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways, know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths." There was a reason for my committment to being single for a year. God knew the depth of that committment and has and is holding me to it. He knew that Aaron would come along. He knew that I would be swept away. He knew that I would have to face today--the day I would realize that I have not been true to my committment and, as a result, would have to put a relationship on hold.
If I haven't learned anything else in the last few months, the one thing I have learned is that no matter how much it hurts to let go of someone, no matter how hard it is to wait on God's timing, no matter how little sense a decision seems to make, trusting God provides a peace that heals.
May those words, "...I am going to trust God instead" always be the deciding factor....
Last June, I wrote in my blog Single for a Year, "That nagging question 'What if Mr. Right comes along tomorrow?' occassionally enters my mind. The truth is that if he is 'Mr. Right' he'll still be around when God tells me it's ok to get into a relationship... As perfect as the relationship may seem to me, I am going to trust God instead."
Honestly, right now I regret writing that. I regret believing it. I regret committing to it. Despite my present regret, though, I KNOW that I spoke that out of wisdom and clarity. When I look back, there are very few times in my life when I really felt like I made a good and right decision, but that day was one of those very rare days.
Since then, my heart has been swept away by a wonderful guy that appears to be able to offer me the type of relationship I've always dreamt of. It's hard to think clearly when all your dreams seem to be unfolding right in front of your face. However, Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways, know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths." There was a reason for my committment to being single for a year. God knew the depth of that committment and has and is holding me to it. He knew that Aaron would come along. He knew that I would be swept away. He knew that I would have to face today--the day I would realize that I have not been true to my committment and, as a result, would have to put a relationship on hold.
If I haven't learned anything else in the last few months, the one thing I have learned is that no matter how much it hurts to let go of someone, no matter how hard it is to wait on God's timing, no matter how little sense a decision seems to make, trusting God provides a peace that heals.
May those words, "...I am going to trust God instead" always be the deciding factor....
Monday, February 9, 2009
I am completely...
exhausted...
confused...
numb...
curious...
angry...
annoyed...
over-analytical...
irrational...
in need of a hug.
confused...
numb...
curious...
angry...
annoyed...
over-analytical...
irrational...
in need of a hug.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Saturdays
Weekends are great, huh?
I can't think of anything better than waking up 4 hours later than normal and going to bed 16 hours later wearing the same clothes you woke up in and have been wearing all day long.
There's nothing more relaxing than watching the same movie three times in one day at different times of the day, or reading a hundred pages of a new book, or stuffing your face full of comfort food all day long.
It's nice to have the chance to get bored.
It's carefree to not have a plan or a list of things to do. I like being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it...
...I just never realized before how lonely I was...
I can't think of anything better than waking up 4 hours later than normal and going to bed 16 hours later wearing the same clothes you woke up in and have been wearing all day long.
There's nothing more relaxing than watching the same movie three times in one day at different times of the day, or reading a hundred pages of a new book, or stuffing your face full of comfort food all day long.
It's nice to have the chance to get bored.
It's carefree to not have a plan or a list of things to do. I like being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it...
...I just never realized before how lonely I was...
Life Lessons I've Learned Through Running
* Keeping a steady pace sometimes feels difficult and boring, but you always feel better in the end.
* Short people have to put in twice the effort that tall people do.
* If you stop running, it's hard to start up again.
* When the goal seems so far away and things start getting tough, look up.
* If you and your running partner don't make each other better runners, drop him/her.
* Reaching the goal is worth the pain it takes to get there.
* When you think you can't go on, keep running.
* Never spit into the wind.
* Short people have to put in twice the effort that tall people do.
* If you stop running, it's hard to start up again.
* When the goal seems so far away and things start getting tough, look up.
* If you and your running partner don't make each other better runners, drop him/her.
* Reaching the goal is worth the pain it takes to get there.
* When you think you can't go on, keep running.
* Never spit into the wind.
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