God is big -- really really big!!

It's a bit frustrating when you realize that the obvious has been such a mystery for such a long time.

Here is the obvious-made mystery-made obvious to me this week: God is really really really big!

He cannot be contained in words; He is The Word.

He cannot be contained in a creature or creation; He is the Creator.

He cannot be contained in a checkbook or a paycheck; He already paid the debt.

Here is the other truth that follows: Satan is very very very small.

He is contained by one Word.

God is present in, but not contained by our lives, our words, our thoughts, our finances, our moments.....

Identity Shift

While I was home alone yesterday, I experienced an almost full-blown panic attack. Severe nausea, fingers and face tingling, shortness of breath, dizziness, feeling like I would lose all control...the whole nine yards. There wasn't a whole lot that I could do since all my coping techniques weren't working and my usual comforts weren't available. There were only two options: 1.) die, or 2.) work through it. Obviously, I chose to work through it.

I spent about two hours working through it. It sucked! Basically, by working through it, that meant that I had to observe the feelings I was having without reacting to them emotionally. If the feelings or thoughts got worse I had to embrace them and demand (mentally) that they get worse, thus diffusing the fear by facing it. I have to admit, I gave it a half-hearted effort, because I really did not want my brain to get confused and say, "Oh, you want more? Ok, I'll give you more!!" And then, of course, I would throw up (of course this has NEVER happened to me because of severe anxiety or during a panic attack. That's just the way my mind works.) Since I only gave it a half-hearted effort, it took much much longer than I would have liked. But I did it, and that's what counts!!

It's funny how little victory I actually felt after that.

(And now begins the point of the story)

You see, after 8 years of handle anxiety and panic attacks the wrong way--by fighting against the feeling--and having it only result in more ammo for anxiety to come back, it's almost twilight zoney to do it a different way, and, even as good as it feels, to take away some of it's momentum. In fact, I was almost depressed last night and felt very unlike "myself." That feeling alone gave me a lot of mental anguish and a little anxiety.

And then I was brushing my teeth and praying. Here's what I said to God without even thinking about it, "Lord, I don't feel like myself without the anxiety." Immediately, I stopped talking (well, actually I was saying it in my head because I had my mouth full of toothpaste) and thought, "That's a problem." I never realized it before, even when I had given it much thought (it's funny how well we tend to justify the way we act/react to situations), but I do define myself partly by my anxiety. Yikes!! I DO NOT WANT TO DEFINE MYSELF OR BE DEFINED BY ANXIETY ANY LONGER!!!!!!!

2 Timothy 1: 7 says that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and a SOUND MIND!

When I look back at the last few months, I can see that God is pealing away the things that I always used to define me. I am no longer defined by my job or job status; I am no longer defined by my independence, and I am no longer defined by my anxiety. Who am I? What is God's purpose for my life?

I'm excited to find out....

God in the Grocery Store

My insight for the day: Everything we do is what we do while we're listening to God. I guess the reason this hit me today is because I woke up this morning asking what God wanted me to do today, and right as I was about to kick back and relax in silence (and likely fall asleep) until God told me what he wanted me to do, a thought came to me that the work I do is important because it has to get done, but my heart should always be prepared to put down whatever I'm doing to do what God wants me to do.

I have the tendency to think that when God asks me to do something it's always going to be something huge that I will have to block out hours of my day (or my week...or my life) to do. But sometimes (most of the time) it is a simple thing that still can't get done if I'm sitting at home waiting to hear from God. Like, maybe I'll be out doing the grocery shopping, and I'll be able to encourage the cashier by being friendly to her/him after the customer before me berated him/her for not magically knowing the prices on all the bulk produce in the store. You know, that sort of thing.

So, anyway, just because I'm not out feeding and clothing people on the streets every day doesn't mean that by going about my daily tasks I'm not changing someone's life.

Everything I do is what I do while I'm listening to God.

I've perfected selfishness...

Before I got married, I had a lot of people remind me that marriage is something you have to work at, pointing out, specifically, that marriage brings together two sinners, which meant to me that now instead of having to deal with just your own sin, you now have to deal with the other person's sin.

Another thing I was told before I got married is that it will be a time of "iron sharpening iron."

Somewhere, I got the signals mixed because being the almost perfect human being that I am, I thought that living with my husband would cause me to see his sins more readily, in which case, I would have to sharpen him with my incredibly sharp and mature godliness. Today I realized that marrying him would open my eyes to just how deep a sinner I am, and how blessed I am to have him there to sharpen me.

There's that old term "my better half" that people use to describe their spouses. I used to think that this was just something people said in front of their spouses in order to flatter them, or behind their backs in order to appear humble. I've changed my mind because he truly is my better half. And since we're going with the cliches here, I'm going to have to quote Jack Nicolson and say that he "makes me want to be a better [woman]." Why? Because it's true!

This morning while my husband was serving at the Inner City Christian Federation, I was sucking up leaves in our back yard. When he didn't come home when he said he would, I began to get angry that he was out serving someone else when I needed his help at home. I had a whole long list of reasons why I was "allowed" to be angry. I listed them all for God while I prayed, "Lord, I don't want to be this selfish, but (fill in the blank with weak excuse for being selfish)." Finally, God laid on my heart two things: 1.) Thomas was doing the right thing and I should have been right beside him serving someone else, and 2.) I needed to stop being making excuses and just realize that I am being extremely selfish. Then I started to think about what I would write in my blog for today, and I thought, "I'll write something along the lines of, 'if my husband has one fault, it is that he's not selfish enough.'" But then God made me realize that by saying that, I was still being selfish by putting the negative on my husband instead of on myself. Here's the truth, folks: I AM SELFISH! Man, am I selfish!! And I am glad my husband isn't selfish, because I think if he was, he would not have married me.

So, now that I have gained this insight into myself, I am going to turn it to wisdom by acting on it. I created a challenge for myself. For the next week (really, I hope it lasts a lifetime), whenever there is something that I want to do for myself, I am going to serve someone else before I serve myself. So, maybe tomorrow I'll suck the leaves up out of my neighbor's yard before I suck the leaves out of my own yard. Or maybe instead of spending two hours in the morning on facebook, I'll spend those two hours writing thank you notes or writing encouraging hand-written letters to people.

I realize that these things in and of themselves will not turn me into a model servant, but I hope that it will at least begin to prepare my heart for a lifetime of humble service.

Today is not that day

I'm going to try to blog more. I think everyone who has a blog and doesn't write in it regularly says that, but then they don't do it. I'll probably fall into that category too, but I really don't have an excuse. I have all day to do it. Nevertheless, I will try. Who knows? Maybe some day I'll have something interesting or profound to say.

Today is not that day...