Identity Shift

While I was home alone yesterday, I experienced an almost full-blown panic attack. Severe nausea, fingers and face tingling, shortness of breath, dizziness, feeling like I would lose all control...the whole nine yards. There wasn't a whole lot that I could do since all my coping techniques weren't working and my usual comforts weren't available. There were only two options: 1.) die, or 2.) work through it. Obviously, I chose to work through it.

I spent about two hours working through it. It sucked! Basically, by working through it, that meant that I had to observe the feelings I was having without reacting to them emotionally. If the feelings or thoughts got worse I had to embrace them and demand (mentally) that they get worse, thus diffusing the fear by facing it. I have to admit, I gave it a half-hearted effort, because I really did not want my brain to get confused and say, "Oh, you want more? Ok, I'll give you more!!" And then, of course, I would throw up (of course this has NEVER happened to me because of severe anxiety or during a panic attack. That's just the way my mind works.) Since I only gave it a half-hearted effort, it took much much longer than I would have liked. But I did it, and that's what counts!!

It's funny how little victory I actually felt after that.

(And now begins the point of the story)

You see, after 8 years of handle anxiety and panic attacks the wrong way--by fighting against the feeling--and having it only result in more ammo for anxiety to come back, it's almost twilight zoney to do it a different way, and, even as good as it feels, to take away some of it's momentum. In fact, I was almost depressed last night and felt very unlike "myself." That feeling alone gave me a lot of mental anguish and a little anxiety.

And then I was brushing my teeth and praying. Here's what I said to God without even thinking about it, "Lord, I don't feel like myself without the anxiety." Immediately, I stopped talking (well, actually I was saying it in my head because I had my mouth full of toothpaste) and thought, "That's a problem." I never realized it before, even when I had given it much thought (it's funny how well we tend to justify the way we act/react to situations), but I do define myself partly by my anxiety. Yikes!! I DO NOT WANT TO DEFINE MYSELF OR BE DEFINED BY ANXIETY ANY LONGER!!!!!!!

2 Timothy 1: 7 says that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and a SOUND MIND!

When I look back at the last few months, I can see that God is pealing away the things that I always used to define me. I am no longer defined by my job or job status; I am no longer defined by my independence, and I am no longer defined by my anxiety. Who am I? What is God's purpose for my life?

I'm excited to find out....