Farting Etiquette

I know I’m asking an age-old question for which there doesn’t seem to be a universal answer: How do you handle it when your boss farts in your cubicle and traps you inside, blatantly ignoring the green cloud that has passed from her rear-end and planted itself around my head? I guess I could have blamed myself for it, or I could have been really mature about it and held my nose and pointed at her. I almost asked her if she farted just to break the ice, but I didn’t want to humiliate her. But really, since it was OBVIOUS that she farted, why not just clear the air, so to speak, by admitting it so we can continue our conversation elsewhere, right? Then I wouldn’t have had to sit in a green cloud for 7 minutes. Record “linger” time, I’m sure….except maybe that time she farted right by the printer and I had to walk through it in order to the leave the room…that may have been 10 minutes.

God, Love, Politics

I have a lot going on in my head, but I'm not sure I can process it all right here. It's like I've just had a lot going on and not enough time to think it through and now it's just a hopeless jumble of thoughts...in my head it looks a lot like a tangle of Christmas lights, ya know?

I guess the main thing on my mind is Lifeline. I've found what I was made to do. I don't mean that I was necessarily meant to do senior high ministry...maybe I was, but it's actually so much simpler than that. I was made simply to do whatever God asks me to do. Life isn't as predictable, comfortable, or "secure" in the sense that I will likely always be a workplace nomad, I'll probably never have a great retirement fund (of course, who has that hope these days anyway, right?), and it's very possible that I'll never get married. I always wanted those things because they made me feel secure. But at this point in my life, I'm glad to trade all that for the adventure of serving God. I've learned that there's adventure in just waiting on God to tell you to "go" because that could be any time. That could be tomorrow, or even in the middle of the night tonight. It kind of reminds me of a trip I took during my sophomore year of college. My German class went to Germany for a month. The last week of our trip was a "free week" where we could go anywhere we wanted. A couple days before our free week began a friend and I bought plane tickets to Venice. We had no idea what we would do when we got there or where we stay or even if we'd be able to afford it. When we got off the plane in Venice, we had no idea what to do next. Each and every step we took was unplanned. Nevertheless, we found a place to stay (a room in between the second and third floor of a hotel), we enjoyed authentic Italian food, and we managed to stay safe. That's what God is doing--telling me to go, and providing for me along the way. The way things are going, I'm confident that I will not get to the end of my life and wish I had done things differently.

But that pretty much just sums up one portion of my life. The other portion of my life--work--is another story. B-O-R-I-N-G! Work has become unbearable since I started Lifeline. I'm still able to get my work done, but it takes a lot more effort and discipline now to get it done. I would much rather spend my time at work talking to people about God than balancing spreadsheets. The nice thing about work is that I work with some very interesting people. There's one woman at work who is particularly interesting. She's a flaming liberal, agnostic, know-it-all. She's the complete opposite of me, but I find her completely fascinating for some reason. Maybe it's BECAUSE she is so unlike me. Maybe it's because she "beats up" the bullies at work for me. Or maybe it's God's funny way of teaching me that through Him I can love ANYONE. I used to hate people like her (in fact, I couldn't stand her when she first started), but I can truly say that I love her now. Unfortunately, she's a contract worker and probably won't be working with our company much longer, but God has taught me a lot about loving people through this woman. He didn't call me to argue politics or religion with people. He called me to love them. No doubt I still have a lot to learn, but no doubt I've learn a lot already.

So, just like everyone else, I'm sick of politics. But here are my thoughts on the subject:

Since I can't totally agree with either candidate about all their policies, I've chosen two issues to base my vote on--abortion and taxes. Since I've taken a biblical worldview for my life, I have to vote for the candidate that is pro-life. There is no biblical reason to support abortion. From the beginning to the end, the Bible is about life. That's just my point of view.

I also will not vote for a candidate that promises to create government programs. I think it's pretty obvious that most government programs help people in the short run, but create dependency in the long run. It's the governmental equivalent of letting your perfectly capable 50-year-old son or daughter live with you for free. What parent could possibly believe that they are doing what is best for their son or daughter by letting them do that?? I work with a lady whose son, grand-daughter, and great-granddaughter live with her. None of them contribute a dime to the household income. Whatever income her son made when he had a job went towards dope and beer. Needless to say, she is a very unhappy woman. Her family has become dependent on her and she has become dependent on them. Dependency does not equal growth.

Besides that, I want more money in my net income so that I get to decide where my charity goes. I don't trust the government to disperse my charity for me.

I have a few opinions about politics, but none of it keeps me up at night. In the end, it really doesn't matter who wins the election, because I'm a citizen of God's kingdom first, then a citizen of the U.S. Down the road, if there's no place for me to survive in the U.S., I know there's already a place for me in Heaven......Heaven! no taxes, no death, no politics, no pollution, no credit cards, no poverty, no war, no hate, no "me, me,me." Man, I can't wait!

*sigh* And with that, I leave you....

The Fate of My Puppy

In case anyone was curious about the fate of my dog, I decided not to give her up. I couldn't do it. She has a much better life than she had before. Her life may not be as good as it COULD be, but lucky for me, she doesn't know that! What you don't know can't hurt you, right? Anyway, she's mine until God calls me some place she can't go, I guess. (insert collective sigh of relief here)

I think it's time to say good-bye

I think it's time to say good-bye to my dog, Bella. My life has reached a point of busy-ness, and perhaps has been at that point for quite some time, that keeping her is unfair for us both. I do my best to take her for half hour walks every day, but at two years old and with her being a springer spaniel/lab mix, she has way too much energy than I have time to help her expend it. She enjoys the walks and the trips to the dog park, but for the ten hours that she's couped up in my house she builds up all kinds of anxiety. And I, for the ten hours I am at work, and for the other 3 or 4 I'm out with friends or doing church activities, become anxious about the time my poor dog is forced to spend alone. It just is not fair to either of us. So, I'm in the process (I'm taking my time) of trying to find a patient family who will take her. She belongs in a family that has a dog or two already, and that owns lots of land where she can run around all day long. I love her dearly and as far as I know, I'm the only person on the earth she trusts, but I believe she deserves a better life than I give her.

It's hard to say good-bye, but it's best for us both.

I Am Lazy!

I often have the following dilemma:

I walk into the kitchen to find something to eat, because I am ravenously hungry.

I search high and low until I find something, anything, suitable (and not rotting).

I search for the pan to cook my potentially delicious meal in.

I find it.

It's in the sink...dirty.

I ask myself, "Is that pan dirty enough to have to clean it?"

If the answer is "yes," I have to ask myself "Am I really THAT hungry, after all?"

If the answer is "yes," I will grudgingly hand-wash the pan.

After hand-washing and rinsing the pan, I fill it up with water and notice that there some suds still in the pan. I ask myself, "Are there enough in there to kill me?"

If yes, I will rinse the pan out again.

If there are still some suds in the pan, I tell myself, "There's not enough in there to kill me."

Then I cook the ramen.

Anyone want to come to my house for dinner?

The Office - Company Time Theft

The Office this week was about time theft at work, which made me very paranoid. During the show, Jim times all of Dwight's "non-work-related" activities. I've done this to myself before, and was admittedly a bit ashamed of myself. I quickly vowed to spend every minute at work being productive, and just as quickly removed the guilt from my life and fell into the same pattern of work a little-waste a little time.

I'm finding it especially hard to work on Fridays. This past Friday was especially bad. Here's an approximation of how I spent my time at work when I wasn't working:

1.) Made coffee
2.) Talked to friends
3.) Ate
4.) Went to the bathroom. Got into conversation with someone while washing my hands.
5.) Checked e-mail
6.) Slept (I didn't do the larger portion during work hours, but I slept for about an extra five minutes after my lunch break officially ended).
7.) Checked e-mail
8.) Went to the bathroom
9.) Read friends blogs
10.) Tried to sneak up on someone at their cubicle in order to scare them. I didn't work.
11.) Checked e-mail
12.) Did some research on International House of Prayer
13.) Did some research about youth ministry
14.) Checked e-mail
15.) Went to the bathroom. Got into another conversation, this time at the door of the bathroom about the nasty cold that is attacking everyone, then silently noted that I should "up" my vitamin C intake and lessen my sugar intake.
16.) Cleaned out a soup bowl that contained broth left over from Monday and was stinking and drawing fruit flies (I really felt like this was very good use of company time, actually. We all benefited from the relief from fruit flies).
17.) Tried to find a better way of formatting reports from online banking (this was actually work-related, but I probably should have stopped trying long before I did).
18.) Checked e-mail
19.) Checked the breakroom for any left over food from morning meetings
20.) Went to the bathroom. Did not get into a conversation in the bathroom, but I did meet someone in the mailroom on the way back from the bathroom. Started up conversation by asking what they were cooking for dinner (yeah, I don't know...).

Of course I worked in between these activities. It's easy to excuse my inconsistent schedule by accusing everyone of doing it, by reminding myself that I got all my work done, or by blaming the company for not giving me enough to do, but that, of course, doesn't make it ok. And now I feel guilty again.

Thanks, Jim Halpert...

How to be Poor Successfully

As many of you know, I have been poor for a little over a year now. It started with the second worst financial decision on the planet: buying a house I couldn’t afford. I guess it wouldn’t have been SO bad if it hadn’t been an impulse buy that I was hoping would make me “significant.” …..ok, maybe it is THE WORST financial decision I could make, after all……IDIOT!

I have to cut myself some slack, though. I WAS a complete idiot a year ago. Now I am a recovering idiot. Along the way I have crossed the thresholds of “unhappy,” “poor and unhappy,” “poor, unhappy, and completely miserable,” (the envy of cynics across the land) and “financially comfortable and miserable.” But now I think I finally have it! Now I’m “successfully poor and happy.” What I mean is that I have accepted my financial situation and have learned how to survive AND be happy ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I lose sleep over bills that are coming due, or I wake up frustrated that today is not the “Someday” that I’m out of debt and living financially comfortably. But most days I can just accept it. It was hard to accept at first because I had to give up so much.

No more going out to eat. (meh…it wasn’t healthy anyway)
No more going home every other weekend. (I’m being “green”)
No more Pizza Hut. (There’s really no good twist to this one. I mourned…)
No more variation in meals. (Planning meals is really easy now, ‘cuz…..I don’t have to plan!)
No more books. (I probably already have about 50 books that I haven’t read yet anyway)
No more new clothes. (This one kinda sucks too because all my clothes are 2 to 3 sizes too big, but I guess that’s better than the clothes being too small!)
No more credit cards. (Credit Cards are the devil!)
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

The list goes on. This was overwhelming at first, but I think I’ve finally found a balance.

Enough background. Here’s how to be poor successfully:

1.) Get involved at church. Really involved. I know there’s a whole long list of things that churches and church people do poorly, but there’s at least one thing I think everyone can agree that church people do well—EAT! Think about it. There are potlucks, cookouts, kick-offs, conferences, Bible studies, meetings, funerals, weddings, etc. etc. etc. All of them serve food! I can’t tell you how times I have breakfasted on cookies and coffee on a Sunday morning. If you want me to be perfectly honest, I’ve sometimes attended Bible study only because I knew there would be food there. The great thing about that is that my starving stomach and my starving soul got fed at the same time!

Of course, when you are so involved in church activities, it takes a toll on your gasoline budget. Being involved at church is also helpful here too. As it turns out, there are many wonderful people who are willing to give you a ride to church if you need it. It just takes honesty, humility, and a willingness to be the passenger, listen to someone else’s music, or *gasp* have a conversation with someone you may not know very well!

(Before you all start thinking I’m an insensitive moocher, I just want to say that I only found this out AFTER getting involved. My heart is sincerely in the right place J)

2.) Get used to manna. Since I don’t get three square meals a day, I want to make sure that when I do eat it’s healthy and filling. Thus, rice and beans…every day. Does it get old after a while? Yes. But keep in mind the Israelites who complained about manna so much that God finally gave them so much meat that they puked. If I get to eat a meal, any meal, I’m thankful. At less than $1.00 per rice and beans meal, I get to be thankful for two whole weeks! That’s right; it’s only about $1.00 per meal of rice and beans. Yes, I know that McDonald’s has delicious dollar menu items, but they are not as nutritious and filling as rice and beans. My rice and beans meal is packed full of protein (especially if you use black beans), fiber (only in brown rice), good fat (I cook with coconut oil), vitamins and minerals that even if I eat only one meal a day, I’m less malnourished than someone who eats three meals a day at McDonalds.

3.) Lighten up on the workouts. I used to work out six days a week while only consuming about 500-700 calories a day. I did this until my body broke down. At that point I had a choice to make: either stop working out so hard, or get sick. I didn’t have the choice to consume more calories, so I decided to give up the hard workouts in order to preserve calories. On the other hand, you mustn’t be completely lazy because hungry + no exercise = no sleep, which also helps break down the body. Taking Bella for 20-30 minute walks every day has turned out to be a good balance.

So, there ya go. Being poor isn’t so bad! I may not have extra income for entertainment and food, but the church activities I’m involved in provide both. Also, I get to be lazy and still stay skinny. Who doesn’t dream of that luxury from time to time!

Of course, you can’t appreciate any of this unless you just learn to accept your current state of affairs. Maybe I can’t go shopping for new clothes or get my nails done or get a new haircut like I did a little over a year ago, but I’m wiser, happier, and somehow more carefree than I was then. Some people might see my financial situation as a failure to succeed, but I’d have to argue that I’ve succeeded at being poor.