Choking

It was only 4 miles. Actually, it was a little less. Either way, it might as well have been 1000 miles.

I texted my friend at 10:30 this morning, "Do you still want me to come over today?" "Yes, if you could," she replied. I was thinking the same thing, "IF I can." Doubt began there, at 10:30 this morning, and it grew and grew. I tried to battle it, "Stop it! Stop.it. Stopit!"

By 3:00 this afternoon, driving 4 miles from home, then 4 miles back to my home became an unimaginable feat. Instead of driving the 8 mile round trip, I drove round and around in circles for 30 minutes trying to become used to the car, trying to talk myself out of this craziness.

How did I get back to this place? How do I move forward from here?

I've defeated this before. I know all the things I need to do and remember and say and pray. There is nothing that I can be taught about anxiety. I know my fears are all imaginations. What I fear has never happened, and that is fact. It's funny that I hide in my fears as if they are what has protected me this whole time. The logic is flawed: I feared. What I feared didn't happen, so fear must have kept it from happening. I know logically that if I had never feared in the first place I could have done it, and I could have done it unafraid!

I am caught in that circle--I am afraid of fear. You can't top that. The world and everything in the world has become something to be feared.

I know there has to be an end, a place where I can part the water all around me and breathe again. I've told other people dealing with anxiety about it. I have encouraged them with that because I had been there. Breathing. Living. Joyful.

But I can't seem to convince myself of that today.

Snapshots

When I look at people's pictures of vacations, of girls night out, of adventurous weekend afternoons spent skiing on the lake or hiking in the woods, they are always smiling. In my mind, that is a snapshot of the majority of their lives. In my own pictures, I am usually smiling, but I know that is not representative of how I view life.

I don't mean to complain, but only to explain. I just wish my life was mostly made up of those snapshots (don't we all?). But the reality is if someone could take a photo of how I feel most of the time, the photo would be terrifying. I would be curled up in ball in a cobwebbed corner of my house. If you could see my face, you might be able to make out the pupils of my eyes through a film of black. I would be zoned out, focused not on the rays of sunshine pouring through the window, but on the frightening thoughts that never manifest on the other side of the black.


I am so afraid day to day. Things were going well for a while, but for some reason, lately, I am unable to leave my house again. Even the thought of leaving the house makes me feel dizzy. It makes me feel like I'm walking on jello and that I'm being ever more intensely choked.

A part of me gets so angry at myself. I've been through this before. I made it. I fought. I didn't give up. But today, I just want to give up. I'm ready to throw my hands in the air and just say, "That's it! I will accept never leaving the house again. I'm ok with that." And I would be ok with it for a while--until I see another picture of someone standing on a mountain or sitting on the shore at sunset or drinking a margarita with their girlfriends. My heart cries out for adventure, to soak in the beauty of God's creation, to fellowship with others, but mostly, to NOT have fear.

Praise You in This Storm

She lifted up her hand, the ashes of her boy in a box in front her, and sang,

"And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm"

Praise God. Amen.