Sending Panic to Hell

I was on my way to meet a friend for lunch today. I felt fine when I left, but the more I drove, the more my mind raced:

"Whatifyouhaveapanicattackonthedrivethere?Wherewillyoupullover?Whatif someoneseesyouhavingapanicattack?Thatwouldbeembarrassing.Thenyouwouldhavetothrowup.Orwhatifyoupoopedorpeedyourpants?Youcan'thandlethis.Youhavetoturnaroundandbebackwhereit'ssafe.Butwhatifyouturnaroundandyou haveapanicattackonthewaybackhome?Thenyou'llbestuckandnoonecancomeandsaveyou.Youshouldn'thavetohavesomeonetocometoyourrescue;youshouldbeabletodothisalone.Whatifyoufindajob?Howwillyoumakeittoworkeachdayifyoucan'tevendrive7milesawayfromhome?You'renevergoingtogetthroughthis.Itwouldbebettertodiethantohavetolivewiththistherestofyourlife.You'reuselesstosocietyifthiskeepshappening...."

About 5 minutes after getting back to my house, I was completely fine. My hands and face weren't tingling anymore, my breathing was calm again, but my mind was still racing: "You'll never be able to leave the house again. What are you going to do when Lifeline starts up again? What will you do when you're needed at Most High? You're an invalid."

I sat on my couch and began to cry, thinking that I have been defeated for good. There was a part of me that wanted to just give up and be sad and put my entire life on hold and check into a mental ward, but there was also a part of me that knew that, as tired of dealing with this as I am, I still need to fight. I've been reading the Psalms quite often lately, and I think that if I were a Bible character, I would be David. David was sometimes paralyzed with fear (Psalm 143:4). David also never gave up; he continued to fight. He trusted in God as his refuge. I know that's what I need to do, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how to do that. I'm going to keep a daily (or as close to daily as I can get) log outlining how I'm approaching healing from anxiety and panic attacks. Maybe throughout this process, I'll learn how I'm trusting God as well as how I'm not trusting Him.

Today I'm starting by claiming Isaiah 41:10-12 [Amp]:

10Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.(A)
11Behold, all they who are enraged and inflamed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; they who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish.
12You shall seek those who contend with you but shall not find them; they who war against you shall be as nothing, as nothing at all.

I love the promise that my enemy (fear) will perish and be so dead that even I look for it, I won't find it. I like The Message translation which says that my enemy won't even be a memory to me!

Keeping these things in mind, I'm going to get in my car again today; I'm going to drive down the Beltline (this is where most of the panic attacks happen) to Fulton, and then I'm going to turn around and come back. Tomorrow I'll try to go farther.

This has to stop...it just has to stop...

Releasing Control

I never thought that at 28 years old I would ever feel as helpless as I do. Two years ago, I had control of my life. I bought a house and paid my mortgage on time every month; I had just gotten a promotion at work and was in good standing; I had a great social life; I invited in and removed people from my life at my will; I was beginning to understand who I was. Little did I know how much God would makeover my life.

Out of necessity, I will be putting my house up for sale again soon; I have lost my job; I have suffered a week and a half straight with panic attacks. From the outside, it doesn't make any sense that I should be suffering any sort of anxiety. My dreams are coming true! I met the man I have been dreaming of since I was very young, and he loves me. I am spending my days taking care of the house and volunteering. I've been able to do life at my own pace, spend some more time with my dog, read books, write, spend some quality time with God...yet I'm still having panic attacks...and I've become helpless.

I've begun setting timers that remind me to eat and to breathe. I am literally retraining myself to eat and breathe. I don't spend much time alone outside of my "safety zones." I don't drive myself more than 5 minutes away from home. Yesterday, I lost all knowledge of who I am and what my purpose and value are.

I'm painting a very bleak picture of my existence, I know, but if I take a step back in my sane moments (this being one of them), I am able to see some beautiful changes taking place. It feels like I'm losing control of my life. But there is no choice in losing control. I have chosen to RELEASE control of my life. You see, two years ago, I convinced myself that I didn't need anyone. If someone offered help in moments or seasons of poverty, despair, or desperation (if I would even allow them to see it), I would reject it. I know that if I had to be alone in my life for some reason, I would be fine, but the truth that I need to accept is that God has surrounded me with people who love me and who are able to fill my life with their strength where I am weak. Who am I to shove these people, these blessings, from my life? It would be like a business owner trying to run all aspects of the business--accounting, marketing, management, sales, maintenence--on his own. The business would collapse. And I will collapse if I don't trust others to help me with certain aspects of my life.

I realize that it is no one else's responsibility but my own to keep my life running, but I am so grateful for the gifts that my friends and family willingly and lovingly and graciously bring to my life.

Weekend Plans: Live Life!

For the last three days I have been completely jobless. I have stayed at home, sleeping, cleaning, reading, spending time with God. I have also job-searched and asked God for guidance. Even though I have been learning over the last few months that God reveals His plan for my life in His own time, at His perfect pace, step by small step, in His unquestionable faithfulness, I keep finding myself asking Him, "What should I do?" What should I do?

For the last couple of months, Tom and I have been working through all the aspects of a new relationship. We've written our rule books, chastised our hearts and minds, thrown out the rule books, reasoned with our anguished hearts, souls, and spirits. We've asked God for guidance. Even though He has told us we can't do this alone, we still ask, "What should we do?"

Yesterday God laid it on my heart to pray over Tom for a renewed heart and mind. This morning, Tom told me that he didn't have to convince himself that something has changed or will change; he just knew it had changed.

That is faith at work! It's not easy, but it IS simple! Take God at his word or don't bother claiming that you trust Him at all, "...because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him" (Hebrews 11:6). I realize that's a bold thing to say, but so often we pray a desperate prayer with undertones of "Lord, if you can/want to......" If? There is no "if!"

"For NOTHING is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37).

Contrast that with Hebrews 11:6, "And without faith it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God..."

So, what should I do? I should step aside and let God work. I should praise Him in this season because he came that I might have Life and enjoy it! (John 10:10).

...and that's what I plan to do this weekend at the cabin. I'm going to risk believing that I am going to enjoy God, friends, and creation! I am going to drink up, soak in, and pour out Life!