Sending Panic to Hell

I was on my way to meet a friend for lunch today. I felt fine when I left, but the more I drove, the more my mind raced:

"Whatifyouhaveapanicattackonthedrivethere?Wherewillyoupullover?Whatif someoneseesyouhavingapanicattack?Thatwouldbeembarrassing.Thenyouwouldhavetothrowup.Orwhatifyoupoopedorpeedyourpants?Youcan'thandlethis.Youhavetoturnaroundandbebackwhereit'ssafe.Butwhatifyouturnaroundandyou haveapanicattackonthewaybackhome?Thenyou'llbestuckandnoonecancomeandsaveyou.Youshouldn'thavetohavesomeonetocometoyourrescue;youshouldbeabletodothisalone.Whatifyoufindajob?Howwillyoumakeittoworkeachdayifyoucan'tevendrive7milesawayfromhome?You'renevergoingtogetthroughthis.Itwouldbebettertodiethantohavetolivewiththistherestofyourlife.You'reuselesstosocietyifthiskeepshappening...."

About 5 minutes after getting back to my house, I was completely fine. My hands and face weren't tingling anymore, my breathing was calm again, but my mind was still racing: "You'll never be able to leave the house again. What are you going to do when Lifeline starts up again? What will you do when you're needed at Most High? You're an invalid."

I sat on my couch and began to cry, thinking that I have been defeated for good. There was a part of me that wanted to just give up and be sad and put my entire life on hold and check into a mental ward, but there was also a part of me that knew that, as tired of dealing with this as I am, I still need to fight. I've been reading the Psalms quite often lately, and I think that if I were a Bible character, I would be David. David was sometimes paralyzed with fear (Psalm 143:4). David also never gave up; he continued to fight. He trusted in God as his refuge. I know that's what I need to do, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how to do that. I'm going to keep a daily (or as close to daily as I can get) log outlining how I'm approaching healing from anxiety and panic attacks. Maybe throughout this process, I'll learn how I'm trusting God as well as how I'm not trusting Him.

Today I'm starting by claiming Isaiah 41:10-12 [Amp]:

10Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.(A)
11Behold, all they who are enraged and inflamed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; they who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish.
12You shall seek those who contend with you but shall not find them; they who war against you shall be as nothing, as nothing at all.

I love the promise that my enemy (fear) will perish and be so dead that even I look for it, I won't find it. I like The Message translation which says that my enemy won't even be a memory to me!

Keeping these things in mind, I'm going to get in my car again today; I'm going to drive down the Beltline (this is where most of the panic attacks happen) to Fulton, and then I'm going to turn around and come back. Tomorrow I'll try to go farther.

This has to stop...it just has to stop...