Progress

It doesn't come as a huge surprise to me that I didn't get out of the house and drive down the Beltline on Friday like I said I would. After having the amount of anxiety I had on Friday driving to meet a friend for lunch, it was not likely that I would get back in my car that same day. However, that would have been the best thing to do. But no more excuses! I refuse to live for this anxiety any longer.

Accomplishments:

Saturday I went to lunch in downtown Rockford with Tom and his parents and my parents. I was feeling quite anxious before we left, so simply leaving the house was an accomplishment in and of itself. Once we got there, though, I had to stay in the car until I could catch my breath. After a while, I was able to go into the restaurant and sit down for a while. I ordered food but didn't think I could sit there and eat it, so I asked for it in a to-go box. Things were going well until I spotted some tea bags across the room and thought about ordering some chamomile, but my mind started racing, "If I order the tea, then I have to sit here and finish it. I'll have no escape. What if I can't finish it? Then I will have wasted money on perfectly good tea. That would be a horrible thing to do...." That's when I began to get really anxious and I had to leave. I'm beginning to notice a pattern with my anxiety: when I give myself outlets it gets worse. I'm guessing this is because I'm giving in. I'm basically saying, "Yes, anxiety, you are right; there is no possible way I can handle this situation, so before I even try to handle it, I'm going to give you control." Scary.

Anyway, the accomplishments didn't end with entering and sitting down in the restaurant. We decided to walk around downtown. All I wanted to do after lunch was head back to Tom's apartment (a "safe zone"). I forced myself to sit and breathe for 5 minutes and gave myself permission to go home if I wasn't doing better after 5 minutes. Before the 5 minutes was up, I lost track of time and began walking. I ended up staying out 45 minutes after I decided couldn't handle it!

Sunday was a series of successes! I went out to Panera with Tom and our families, sat in the restaurant, and ate! After lunch I went to Lowe's and didn't have to escape. I even used the bathroom there! Then we went grocery shopping. Had a little anxiety while we were grocery shopping, but not until we were almost done and ready to leave anyway. For dinner, we went to Famous Dave's. I lasted almost the entire time. I ordered, ate, and then fled about 20 minutes before everyone else was done. Slight setback, but not too bad.

Yesterday was the biggest accomplishment so far. Yesterday I drove about 12 miles to get to an appointment. I had a significant amount of anxiety traveling both ways, but I managed it by keeping my breathing under control.

Today I drove 12 miles. I'm not sure how many of those were on the Beltline, but I drove to Fulton and back home. My hands and face started to tingle before I got to Fulton and they were still tingling when I got back home, but I managed that by taking deep breaths and by slowing all my physical reactions. I also tried to keep my fidgeting under control, which seemed to help.

I have a new reason to tackle this anxiety head on...I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! October 24th is the big day and I want to enjoy it. I don't want to worry about having a panic attack while I'm saying my vows (I can imagine people might think I'm not being very sincere if I'm freaking out while making my vows...).

New goal: I'm going to leave the house every day at 12 noon, whether it is to go for a drive or walk...no matter how I'm feeling.

I will heal from this!