A broken heart really is like nothing else. I'm almost positive it's about as close to death as you can be without actually being dead, and that's why most people avoid it. There are those that act like everything is just fine, and there are those that wear the broken heart on their sleeve. Then there are those like me...they die. I died...or at least I was as close to death as I could be without actually being dead...I slept as much as I could, I didn't eat, I went numb, I didn't feel or think, at times I even stopped breathing. My friends and co-workers said I even looked pale and lifeless. In fact, many people actually welcomed me back when I finally shook it!
So yeah, I loved hard knowing that if it failed, I would also fall hard....and I fell really hard...but only for a while. It happened last Monday night and I was beginning to live again by Wednesday afternoon. I don't know what happened really, but I guess I just embraced it.
I can't go back; I can only move forward.
I was fabulous when I was with someone and I'm fabulous without him!
And I can't say that I regret anything! I didn't get a friend out of the deal, but I got away with some other great things that I'm not sure I would have gained so quickly had I not met him. Through him, God taught me the value of gratitude, showed me a great example of servanthood, and most of all, helped me be less afraid of everyday life. So, if that was the purpose of having a great guy in my life only for a short period of time, then I have to say that walking with the pain for a while is worth walking with the gain forever.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Beginning to understand relationships?
For a while now I've been questioning what the point of relationships is. I've only recently begun to understand the purpose of friendships and even of aquaintanceships (is that a word?); but the guy-girl thing has been a complete mystery. However, I think that mystery is starting to unfold.
My friendships are valuable to me because they serve as outlets for me. They also give me a chance to practice First Corinthians 13 love. And lately, I've begun to see my friendships as another area in life in which to serve someone. The people I meet only once, and those people who I talk to occasionally at work or church give me a chance to build community and to serve. I've discovered lately that there is untold joy in serving others, no matter how small the act of service is--smiling at a stranger, saying hello to the outcast at work, asking a co-worker how their doctor's appointment went or how their kids are doing, allowing someone else to take the parking spot next to the door, opening the door for someone, etc etc etc. However, I could serve friends, aquaintances, and strangers all day but come home at night and somehow feel like I'm still missing something.
I love investing in other people's lives. I love to bring a smile to someone's face. I love spreading joy and hope and love and truth to those that I come in contact with. In return, I receive joy and purpose. But still something feels like it's missing. When I say that, though, I feel like I'm being selfish or ungrateful. Maybe I am, but I think I may also have begun to realize what the guy-girl relationship really means to me.
At the end of the day, I come home to an empty house, a list of chores (that do or do not have to be done since I'm the only one my mess affects), and my thoughts. Even though I have friends that I can hang out with or talk to any time, by nature, friends only invest so much into each others lives. A "significant other," by nature, has chosen to invest much deeper, more vulnerably, more raw and real into your life specifically.
My friendships and aquaintances have an overflowing influence in my life, but I'm still lonely. It is the one person whom I have chosen to invest my life in and who has chosen to invest their life in me that I believe can take that away.
Genesis 2:18
My friendships are valuable to me because they serve as outlets for me. They also give me a chance to practice First Corinthians 13 love. And lately, I've begun to see my friendships as another area in life in which to serve someone. The people I meet only once, and those people who I talk to occasionally at work or church give me a chance to build community and to serve. I've discovered lately that there is untold joy in serving others, no matter how small the act of service is--smiling at a stranger, saying hello to the outcast at work, asking a co-worker how their doctor's appointment went or how their kids are doing, allowing someone else to take the parking spot next to the door, opening the door for someone, etc etc etc. However, I could serve friends, aquaintances, and strangers all day but come home at night and somehow feel like I'm still missing something.
I love investing in other people's lives. I love to bring a smile to someone's face. I love spreading joy and hope and love and truth to those that I come in contact with. In return, I receive joy and purpose. But still something feels like it's missing. When I say that, though, I feel like I'm being selfish or ungrateful. Maybe I am, but I think I may also have begun to realize what the guy-girl relationship really means to me.
At the end of the day, I come home to an empty house, a list of chores (that do or do not have to be done since I'm the only one my mess affects), and my thoughts. Even though I have friends that I can hang out with or talk to any time, by nature, friends only invest so much into each others lives. A "significant other," by nature, has chosen to invest much deeper, more vulnerably, more raw and real into your life specifically.
My friendships and aquaintances have an overflowing influence in my life, but I'm still lonely. It is the one person whom I have chosen to invest my life in and who has chosen to invest their life in me that I believe can take that away.
Genesis 2:18
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Proud
I ran my first 5K this morning! My goals were very very low:
Goal #1: Show up.
Goal #2: If you show up, run the race.
Goal #3: If you run the race, finish it.
I can be proud that I set and reached all my goals, but I probably should have set my sights a little higher, and I think I actually had some greater, unspoken expectations for myself because even though I reached all my goals I ended the race very disappointed in myself and sobbed the whole drive home. Why? Well, I totally psyched myself out...it began about 6 minutes into the race. Right before the race started, I began to feel like I had to pee. I thought it was just nerves and that it would go away...it didn't go away. So, I began thinking to myself, "It's COOL to pee your pants!" However, it was near freezing this morning, I knew that I would be totally miserable (not to mention humiliated) if I ran the race with wet pants. I mean, if you're a marathoner who is running in order to win, then it's totally acceptable to pee and/or poop your pants during a race--it's forgiveable and the prize money is a great consolation. However, if you are an every day runner running at the back of the pack who is just trying to prove to yourself that you can set a goal and stick to it, then it's not quite as acceptable. People would probably think I have mental problems (or perhaps bladder problems?). So 7 1/2 minutes after starting the race, I stopped at the school and used the restroom. After that, my positivity started diving..."Way to go. You're a failure. I can't believe you are going to come in last place just because you had to pee. I knew you would find some way to screw up." I tried to pick myself back up. Just as I was beginning to shrug off my pit-stop, I got a massive cramp in my side. I wasn't expecting this because I hardly ever get cramps when I run. It was so bad that I could hardly breathe...and I was less than two miles into the race. By the time the cramp went away, I was half mentally defeated and started to feel sorry for myself....no one was cheering me on, there would be no one to congratulate me at the end....just an enormous crowd of strangers.
Well, I finished the race. My body felt great at the end, but my mind was defeated. It wasn't until after I got home that I was able to pick myself up again. This really was NOT a big deal. Not something to get upset about. I entered the race for the experience only...and I got some experience, learned some lessons, and reached my goals. On top of that, I looked up my time online when I got back and found out that I clocked 36:34...and that's with having to go off course and take a pit-stop (plus, I took the time to wash my hands). I'm guessing that whole deal cost me about 7 minutes. If indeed it was 7 minutes, then I ran my fastest pace to date this morning!
Here's some things I learned:
1.) Have someone there to support you, whether they are on the side cheering you on or actually running with you.
2.) Go to the bathroom right before the race starts whether you feel like you have to go or not.
3.) Prepare mentally as much as you do physically.
Hopefully with these things in mind, I will be able to run a better 5K next month!
Goal #1: Show up.
Goal #2: If you show up, run the race.
Goal #3: If you run the race, finish it.
I can be proud that I set and reached all my goals, but I probably should have set my sights a little higher, and I think I actually had some greater, unspoken expectations for myself because even though I reached all my goals I ended the race very disappointed in myself and sobbed the whole drive home. Why? Well, I totally psyched myself out...it began about 6 minutes into the race. Right before the race started, I began to feel like I had to pee. I thought it was just nerves and that it would go away...it didn't go away. So, I began thinking to myself, "It's COOL to pee your pants!" However, it was near freezing this morning, I knew that I would be totally miserable (not to mention humiliated) if I ran the race with wet pants. I mean, if you're a marathoner who is running in order to win, then it's totally acceptable to pee and/or poop your pants during a race--it's forgiveable and the prize money is a great consolation. However, if you are an every day runner running at the back of the pack who is just trying to prove to yourself that you can set a goal and stick to it, then it's not quite as acceptable. People would probably think I have mental problems (or perhaps bladder problems?). So 7 1/2 minutes after starting the race, I stopped at the school and used the restroom. After that, my positivity started diving..."Way to go. You're a failure. I can't believe you are going to come in last place just because you had to pee. I knew you would find some way to screw up." I tried to pick myself back up. Just as I was beginning to shrug off my pit-stop, I got a massive cramp in my side. I wasn't expecting this because I hardly ever get cramps when I run. It was so bad that I could hardly breathe...and I was less than two miles into the race. By the time the cramp went away, I was half mentally defeated and started to feel sorry for myself....no one was cheering me on, there would be no one to congratulate me at the end....just an enormous crowd of strangers.
Well, I finished the race. My body felt great at the end, but my mind was defeated. It wasn't until after I got home that I was able to pick myself up again. This really was NOT a big deal. Not something to get upset about. I entered the race for the experience only...and I got some experience, learned some lessons, and reached my goals. On top of that, I looked up my time online when I got back and found out that I clocked 36:34...and that's with having to go off course and take a pit-stop (plus, I took the time to wash my hands). I'm guessing that whole deal cost me about 7 minutes. If indeed it was 7 minutes, then I ran my fastest pace to date this morning!
Here's some things I learned:
1.) Have someone there to support you, whether they are on the side cheering you on or actually running with you.
2.) Go to the bathroom right before the race starts whether you feel like you have to go or not.
3.) Prepare mentally as much as you do physically.
Hopefully with these things in mind, I will be able to run a better 5K next month!
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