Cutting
I’ve been sitting here at work for 3 hours and I have gotten very little done. My mind is racing, and on a scale from 1 to 10, my anxiety is at “I’m going to blow my brains out if this doesn’t end soon.” I have the scissors sitting next to me. I’ve had them in my hand and have even put them on my skin, but I haven’t cut yet. I can’t. I won’t. That’s something I have been set free from, but if I do it even one more time, I will be back in chains.
Gut Reaction
I got an email from JR last night. My gut says I shouldn’t respond, but my mind my keeps spinning, “But if I don’t respond, he’ll get upset, he’ll think I’m being mean, he’ll think I hate him, he’ll think there’s someone else in my life.” It’s tearing me up not to say to him what I want to say. Silence can sometimes be worse than mean words…for both people involved. My own silence is killing me, but I CAN’T respond. I don’t know why I can’t respond…it just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. And I’ve realized that most of the time the answer to the question “Why?” can’t be answered until further down the road and it’s then that you realize either that the choice you made ruined everything or that it turned out for the best. I really believe that as much as not responding to him is going to suck, later on down the road, whether it’s tomorrow, next month, next year, or years from now we’ll both find that it was best that I didn’t. I am so afraid of getting in the way of what God is doing. I did it first by getting into the relationship, then during our relationship. I won’t do that again. It would be the selfish thing to do. I just hope that he will understand and will forgive me.
Insecurity
As for me, I have some stuff I need to work on outside of a relationship…like my insecurity. I want so badly to have all my security in God. I won’t get into a relationship with anyone until I’m better at that. In fact, I’m at the point now where I’m prepared never to be in another relationship. I’m not going to assert my will in that anymore. If anyone asks me out, I will turn him down every time. I’m confident that if God really wants me to be with someone, nothing I can say will keep that guy away.
So, that’s that. I’m done for now.
I’ve been sitting here at work for 3 hours and I have gotten very little done. My mind is racing, and on a scale from 1 to 10, my anxiety is at “I’m going to blow my brains out if this doesn’t end soon.” I have the scissors sitting next to me. I’ve had them in my hand and have even put them on my skin, but I haven’t cut yet. I can’t. I won’t. That’s something I have been set free from, but if I do it even one more time, I will be back in chains.
Gut Reaction
I got an email from JR last night. My gut says I shouldn’t respond, but my mind my keeps spinning, “But if I don’t respond, he’ll get upset, he’ll think I’m being mean, he’ll think I hate him, he’ll think there’s someone else in my life.” It’s tearing me up not to say to him what I want to say. Silence can sometimes be worse than mean words…for both people involved. My own silence is killing me, but I CAN’T respond. I don’t know why I can’t respond…it just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. And I’ve realized that most of the time the answer to the question “Why?” can’t be answered until further down the road and it’s then that you realize either that the choice you made ruined everything or that it turned out for the best. I really believe that as much as not responding to him is going to suck, later on down the road, whether it’s tomorrow, next month, next year, or years from now we’ll both find that it was best that I didn’t. I am so afraid of getting in the way of what God is doing. I did it first by getting into the relationship, then during our relationship. I won’t do that again. It would be the selfish thing to do. I just hope that he will understand and will forgive me.
Insecurity
As for me, I have some stuff I need to work on outside of a relationship…like my insecurity. I want so badly to have all my security in God. I won’t get into a relationship with anyone until I’m better at that. In fact, I’m at the point now where I’m prepared never to be in another relationship. I’m not going to assert my will in that anymore. If anyone asks me out, I will turn him down every time. I’m confident that if God really wants me to be with someone, nothing I can say will keep that guy away.
So, that’s that. I’m done for now.
3 comments:
I'm sorry you feel like it was such a mistake. I love you and want to be with you. But I respect your decision. I just wish there was another way... you were my other half.
You weren't the mistake. Our timing was the mistake.
you're right...
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