Like it or not

I don't usually have much to say. That is, I usually think a lot, then overthink, then I get confused, and by the time I have the chance to put into words what's going on in my head I'm usually too exhausted to try. So, I usually don't have much to say. This blog is where I hope to store my thoughts before they drive me nuts...

All this over-analyzing has been going on for a very long time, but now is the perfect time to start organizing my thoughts. In ten months, I have ended three relationships. The first one lasted five years and included an engagment, the next one was three months and was doomed from the beginning, and the third one was the best of the three. As best of the three, it seems it should not have ended. I wish it didn't have to, but we both agreed that we rushed into it. Unfortunately, when I asked to put the relationship on hold for a while in order to allow us both the time alone that we should have had before we started the relationship, he hung up on me and swept me clean out of his life. Taking into consideration the depth of the pain we both felt, I suppose it's better that he wishes to have nothing to do with me ever again. We can both start over and we can both let God complete what he started in both of us before we began our relationship.

Now I'm alone. I've forced myself into this situation once again. It was not something my flesh wanted at all; it was something my heart needed. I pray that my last boyfriend will be able to forgive me some day, but above all I pray that he will allow God to pick up the pieces and mold him into the man I know he can be. The fact is, we were both awesome, but with some major flaws that didn't fit in a stable relationship. Yes, we could have worked through it, but we would have spent practically our entire lives working through things and only a short amount of time enjoying each other. Maybe being alone will shorten the process. Right now, I hope that going through this will bring me back to him, but I know that no matter what happens, I'll be ok.

Enough about that! Here's a little about me: I grind my teeth a lot. It has gotten really bad in the last year, and the tooth that gets the most abuse is getting sharp and smooth.

I sleep on my couch. I don't know why. I have a bed and it's really comfortable, and besides, when I sleep on the couch there's no room for my dog to sleep except right on my legs, but still I sleep on the couch. If someone can explain this to me, that would be great.

As I mentioned before, I think a lot. If I want to escape my thoughts, I sleep. So, I also sleep a lot. I used to play music, and when I played I don't think I thought or slept as much. Perhaps I need to do that again.

I've been learning a lot about myself over the past several months and I've discovered some good stuff and some horrible stuff. For instance, I'm a perfectionist and I judge people too quickly. I can't overcome my own faults, so I try to fix and nit-pick other people's faults (Thank you, JR, for bringing this to my attention. I didn't realize I did this so often!) I just got a second job as a cashier and as I worked last night, I realized how I was judging everyone in some way as they came to my register. I made positive judgements along with the bad ones. I do this to protect myself. I wish I could just be me (if I knew who that was) and treat everyone the same. But again, I do it to protect myself.

Another way I do this is by putting up walls. I'm sure everyone does this. I guess this blog is a way for me to find security again. If I let down my walls for the world, if I can't hide behind silence, if I'm open and honest and open myself up to criticism and I'm able to be strong throughout, then maybe I'll end up being more secure in who God's made me to be. It's like insecurity bootcamp.

So, here I am, like it or not.