I originally wrote this blog a couple days ago...I've been up and down since then, but this still holds true for me...enjoy.
If someone were to ask me how my night was last night, I wouldn’t be able to form words beyond “amazing” or “incredible.” I’m still attempting to sort it all out and let it sink in. It may take me days to come up with the words to describe it effectively…I might never be able to explain it. But here’s the short of it: most of the day yesterday I sat here and cried because I felt such emptiness from my recent break-up. I was still holding on to the hope of getting back together with him some time down the road, and my prayer was that that would take place. My one concern was God changing him enough so we could be together again. I was miserable, and even though I had hope of being with him again, I still somehow felt hopeless. To make matters worse, one of my best friends wrote to me warning me that I should NOT get back together with him unless it’s years down the road, that I should give up all hope of ever being with him again, in fact, and that I should not communicate with him at all until we’ve both been down the road God has just begun to guide us down. Needless to say, this made me a little angry and hurt at first, but I had to remember that Rachel is wiser than most adults I know. So far she has a perfect record of being right when it comes to “calling things out.” It’s pretty amazing. Everyone needs a Rachel in their life. So anyway, I tried to believe what she was saying as much as it hurt…and it did nothing but hurt. Now the good part: thankfully, I had counseling last night. I walked in with chains and walked out completely free! All the bits and pieces came together. We had discussed my anxiety surrounding eating, my failed relationships, my increasing insecurity and my increased dependence on approval, etc. but all the bits and pieces remained bits and pieces until the subject of me not trusting my “gut feeling” came up. As it turns out, my gut feeling is almost always right. I’ve always had an increase in anxiety when something it not right in my life. It was that way with the last three relationships I was in. It’s not as if the relationships felt bad when I was in them, but I think that I could have saved myself a lot of time and many broken hearts if I had just listened to my “gut.”
Right now my “gut” is telling me to stay single for a while and to just stay still. But the world seems so much smaller now. I feel like I could do anything. My life is open for anything that God might have for me. All I need is his provision. There’s nothing holding me back from doing what he wants me to do next except me, and I don’t want to close myself off. But I’m so anxious to get away, to move on. I can hardly concentrate on anything right now because what I’m doing with my life seems so insignificant compared to what I COULD be doing. I keep searching and searching for some way to break away…but I’m not exactly sure what I’m trying to break away from. I guess just the status quo. Back a few months ago, I told a friend that I had frustrating joy. It’s a joy that is so strong, but I have no way of releasing it. No avenue to express it is wide enough. That’s how I feel right now!
BIG FISH
Have you ever seen the movie “Big Fish?” I watched it not too long ago and I remember feeling really bad about myself after watching it. The movie is basically a flashback of this dying man’s life and the incredible things he did and the unusual people he met and the influence he had on everyone’s lives. I looked at my own life after that and realized that I am not a big fish in a small pond or small fish in a big pond; I am just a small fish…period, and I think I’ve just been flopping around on land, totally oblivious to my need to jump into the pond finally so I don’t suffocate. I’ve been so caught up in my own world, feeding my own desires, but remaining unfulfilled. I no longer feel like that. I feel like I CAN make a difference. I’ve finally realized that the pond exists! Anyway, enough about fish and ponds and stuff….I’m gonna go eat a pizza.
If someone were to ask me how my night was last night, I wouldn’t be able to form words beyond “amazing” or “incredible.” I’m still attempting to sort it all out and let it sink in. It may take me days to come up with the words to describe it effectively…I might never be able to explain it. But here’s the short of it: most of the day yesterday I sat here and cried because I felt such emptiness from my recent break-up. I was still holding on to the hope of getting back together with him some time down the road, and my prayer was that that would take place. My one concern was God changing him enough so we could be together again. I was miserable, and even though I had hope of being with him again, I still somehow felt hopeless. To make matters worse, one of my best friends wrote to me warning me that I should NOT get back together with him unless it’s years down the road, that I should give up all hope of ever being with him again, in fact, and that I should not communicate with him at all until we’ve both been down the road God has just begun to guide us down. Needless to say, this made me a little angry and hurt at first, but I had to remember that Rachel is wiser than most adults I know. So far she has a perfect record of being right when it comes to “calling things out.” It’s pretty amazing. Everyone needs a Rachel in their life. So anyway, I tried to believe what she was saying as much as it hurt…and it did nothing but hurt. Now the good part: thankfully, I had counseling last night. I walked in with chains and walked out completely free! All the bits and pieces came together. We had discussed my anxiety surrounding eating, my failed relationships, my increasing insecurity and my increased dependence on approval, etc. but all the bits and pieces remained bits and pieces until the subject of me not trusting my “gut feeling” came up. As it turns out, my gut feeling is almost always right. I’ve always had an increase in anxiety when something it not right in my life. It was that way with the last three relationships I was in. It’s not as if the relationships felt bad when I was in them, but I think that I could have saved myself a lot of time and many broken hearts if I had just listened to my “gut.”
Right now my “gut” is telling me to stay single for a while and to just stay still. But the world seems so much smaller now. I feel like I could do anything. My life is open for anything that God might have for me. All I need is his provision. There’s nothing holding me back from doing what he wants me to do next except me, and I don’t want to close myself off. But I’m so anxious to get away, to move on. I can hardly concentrate on anything right now because what I’m doing with my life seems so insignificant compared to what I COULD be doing. I keep searching and searching for some way to break away…but I’m not exactly sure what I’m trying to break away from. I guess just the status quo. Back a few months ago, I told a friend that I had frustrating joy. It’s a joy that is so strong, but I have no way of releasing it. No avenue to express it is wide enough. That’s how I feel right now!
BIG FISH
Have you ever seen the movie “Big Fish?” I watched it not too long ago and I remember feeling really bad about myself after watching it. The movie is basically a flashback of this dying man’s life and the incredible things he did and the unusual people he met and the influence he had on everyone’s lives. I looked at my own life after that and realized that I am not a big fish in a small pond or small fish in a big pond; I am just a small fish…period, and I think I’ve just been flopping around on land, totally oblivious to my need to jump into the pond finally so I don’t suffocate. I’ve been so caught up in my own world, feeding my own desires, but remaining unfulfilled. I no longer feel like that. I feel like I CAN make a difference. I’ve finally realized that the pond exists! Anyway, enough about fish and ponds and stuff….I’m gonna go eat a pizza.
1 comment:
Lovely blog Alissa, and even something about me. I feel famous.
I enjoyed our chat last night, hope your having a good day!
Post a Comment