God Dependence

I can’t concentrate at all today. Actually, I really haven’t done much actual work for about a week. I’m beginning to feel like an orphan in the world. All I used to cling to in order just to get through life, I no longer have. I’m beginning to see probably what is only the first of the things in this world that I cling to for comfort. Obviously, JR was one. But there's other stuff like work and grinding my teeth (oddly enough) that were not so obvious to me until recently.

On Monday our office got flooded so we got shoved into a conference room. It’s four of us sitting at one table, practically on top of each other! This is what the corporate world likes to call “team-building through catastrophe.” I call it the perfect time level up my annoyance factor (hehe). I’m sitting next to a very conservative older woman who does not find my random outbursts of air-guitar, rockfists, head-banging, and “Oops, I just farted” very amusing. The less amused she is, the more annoying I want to be. I think I’m going to bring her some donuts next week for her display of good character while sitting next to me. She’s a good woman.

Anyway, so back to the insightful side…being about 2 inches away from the next person, I’m starting to realize how much I grind my teeth during the day. I was just wearing my mouthpiece at night, but I’m having to wear it during the day now too so I don’t drive anyone nuts. It really sucks because when I wear it I have a really bad lisp. I keep forgetting that I have it in, too, so when I walk out to the printer and give a big ole plastic smile at passers-by all I receive in return is a look like they know there’s something wrong with my face, but they can’t quite place what it is. And I’m like, “Oh, thorry, iths juth my mouthpieth.” And then a nervous laugh...”heh…heh..”

But the thing I’ve noticed is that now that I can’t grind my teeth, I’m very antsy. Grinding my teeth is a coping mechanism. Another coping mechanism…coffee. This round of pain in my life hasn’t led me to anything generally considered “bad,” like alcohol, cigarettes, and men, but I’m recognizing that it’s still a vice, which I think makes it bad still. Like, I’m usually in a pretty good mood until about noon when the 4 cups of coffee have worn off. The thing is, though, that I’m brilliant on a caffeine buzz! I’m witty, confident, and motivated. I could conquer the world. Then it wears off and I’m depressed and lonely. So I go for another 4 cups and I’m ok. Not good. A vice is a vice.

So I have to ask myself why I’m trying to find something…anything…to fulfill my needs besides God? Why am I doing this to myself? It’s torture! I know that I need Him, I just don’t know how to depend on him. Something hasn’t settled within me. I’ve been broken, but maybe not enough? But I don’t want to be broken anymore because this has been painful enough! I better just get my butt in gear and just trust him. Maybe He’s calling me just to obey him this time. Maybe I'm mature enough to do that now. Maybe he’s tired of me changing my life out of fear, brokenness, and humility. Maybe He just wants me to do it because it's what I'm supposed to do.

I know what I have to do! If I would spend even half the time communicating with God as I did communicating with JR, I would be totally dependent on Him in no time! I just have to pray. I have to evaluate my motive for EVERYTHING I do. I need to fill my head and my heart with his word. I have to fill the air with His praise. I just have to jump...