Awakening!

God did something very powerful in my life Saturday morning, and he started preparing me for it on Friday. Actually, I take that back. He’s been preparing me for this for a long time, as I learned while I read through my prayer journal from the past few months. Friday was the just the catalyst for what happened Saturday.

So, Friday when I got to work, the manager said they cut my hours for Saturday. Of course, my heart jumped a little (I was not looking forward to working an indefinite number of days in a row). On the other hand, I thought, “I could really use the money. Especially since the state of Michigan thinks I owe them more money…turdballs!” At any rate, I didn't put up a fight…I could use the rest. And besides, I thought maybe this was God’s doing. When I woke up Saturday morning, I was unmotivated to do my devotions like I normally do in the morning, but God spoke to my heart, “I gave you this morning for a good reason. I’m going to bless you today.” So, as unmotivated as I felt, I got out of bed like usual, let Bella out as usual, made a pot of coffee as usual, and began to pray as usual….and nothing happened…at first. Finally, I got real with God and God got real with me.

This week he has laid Proverbs 3:5-6 on my heart:

“Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.”

I never realized it until recently, but for a very long time I’ve been depending on what I understand—depending on it! What do I understand??? I know nothing of my life, except that God is. Think about that! That’s all anyone REALLY knows!

I asked God how I stop thinking about and analyzing my life and my future. He told me to do the same thing I did when I went through a major period of rebirth a few months back. At that time, he asked me if I was going to stand on the word of Alissa or the word of God. This time he asked if I’m going to go through life trusting what I think I know, or what I know he knows. As long as I’ve been trusting in my own thoughts and desires, I have had nothing but pain. In fact, I’ve been reading through some of my journals from 8 years ago when I went to college. It’s frightening to see how it all started knowing what the result would be 8 years later. It began with me turning on all my emotions, feelings, gut reactions. It’s not necessarily bad to turn away from your feelings unless you are relying on them to get through life. But I went in the total opposite direction. I went to complete rationalization. I think this is almost worst than relying on emotions, because as I look back on the last few years, I can see how I was able to rationalize or justify my sins. Anyway, when I began to analyze everything in my life, these eight painful years of anxiety also began.

There were a couple entries that caught my attention. The first I wrote on June 13, 2001, “My brain, which has become the larger component in ‘The Chronicles of the Love Life of Alissa’ since ‘The Big Tramplings’ of semester one of 2000, made sense of all the heart’s nonsense (we will never trust the heart again).” After that, almost three months to the day, on September 8, 2001 I wrote,“There is something terribly wrong with me. My soul is not at ease. I am lonely and afraid. I am fearful at night when I am awakened. Day does not comfort me. I am vulnerable.” During the time in between those two dates, I experienced my first panic attack, I either woke up in the middle of the night afraid or couldn’t sleep, I began to think too much and try to solve problems that were not mine to solve, and worst of all, I began to depend on my on mind rather than God’s faithfulness.

Before I started to trust my mind, I had gone through months and months of agony over a guy who broke up with me for no apparent reason and then rejected me at every turn. I think I became so tired of feeling that I decided that the only way I was going to stop feeling was to start thinking. The pain of that relationship ending stopped, but an entirely new pain began which also started me down this long road of anxiety and insecurity.

During those times of emotional pain, I also kept a separate prayer journal. God was doing amazing things. He had given me peace and I was learning to depend on Him even though I felt so sad. When I gave up on Him, the pain was deeper, more detrimental, and it lasted much, much longer.

It has been 7 years!! If only I would have let God do His thing then, even if it would have taken another year of emotional pain, at least I wouldn’t have gone through the 7 years of anxiety I have gone through. I cannot let that happen again. The emotional pain is still there, and it may be for a long time, but I am going to allow God to take a strong hold on me this time. I will take every moment of pain in it’s entirety as it comes and I’ll let myself feel it completely, knowing that it is being released to and disposed of by my Creator who wishes to make me the woman He created me to be.

This is a very frightening time for me, but it’s also kind of exciting. God is speaking! If anyone is reading this, please pray that I’ll hear, listen, and follow God’s voice as he molds me.