Finding the deepest hope in the deepest sadness

I have never EVER in my life experienced such lonliness. I don't know what to do with myself and if you asked what you could do for me, I couldn't tell you. No matter where I am or who I am with it's still there. I might be distracted from it for a while, but it's still there. Like last night, I thought it was over. I went to Meghan and Rich's house last night. Rich's kids were there. They're so freaking cool (I definitely need to hang out with kids more)! When they went to bed, Meghan, Rich, and I played Rock Band (good times!). It was a great time and it smothered the lonliness until about noon today (this seems to be the pattern for me. Every day at about 12 or 1, I start to feel it again). I don't know where it's all coming from--probably years and years of always depending on other people.

I'm pretty sure it's not just from not being with JR, but that certainly is making it worse. I have no one...not even myself. I HAVE to be able to find it in God or else I will go through my entire life feeling this way, no matter what. As hard as this is right now to even say, I HAVE to get through this without a vice and without anyone else but God. I am DETERMINED not to let the pain I'm going through right now go to waste. I can either grow through this pain, or I can let it defeat me and therefore have to endure this and more the next time. I've been down that road before that so many people go down when they face trials in their lives...something bad happens, you lean on an old vice, your life gets worse for a while, you get knocked on your butt even harder until you either shoot yourself in the head or decide to let God pick you back up.

Something horrible is happening right now and it's so hard not to reach for my old vice, alcohol, but I CAN'T let myself go down that road again or else I will waste even more of my life. I really do want good things for my life, and I want them sooner rather than later, so I have to get through this by doing the RIGHT things even though that's a zillion times harder than doing the wrong thing. Tomorrow morning I'll probably wake up and not want to work out, but I'm going to force myself to do it because it's good for me. I'm going to force myself to praise God when all I want to do is curse the world. I'm going to force myself to eat good food even though I have no appetite. I'm going to cry instead of trying to hold it in. I am determined to come out of this a better person.