So, I went home this weekend. Admittedly, it was a bit of paranoia that goosed me into going. On Thursday, I just happened to think that I now have some extra money, so I could make it home if I wanted. Then I thought maybe I would just save the money. But then I thought, “What if your parents die tomorrow, and you missed seeing them one last time just to save $50?” So, I decided to go. But seriously, wouldn’t that suck if you were like, “Well, my parents are dead, but at least I have this $50!” Yeah… I didn’t want that to be me.
How was my trip home? I guess I could sum it up in two words: relaxing and reflective.
Visiting in the summer is awesome because I get to relax by the pool; visiting in the fall/winter is great because I get to relax in front of the fireplace. It probably wasn’t really cold enough to turn on the fireplace, but whatever…I had to take advantage of the opportunity since I’m going to need to store up on the heat since my house is, like, 30 below in the winter.
To say that I “relaxed” may not be completely accurate. Frankly, I was just lazy. Saturday I didn’t bother to shower or brush my teeth. I loafed in front of the fireplace most of the day, getting up only to use the restroom and eat. It gets worse. There was a point on Saturday evening where my dad and I were both laying on the floor. We wanted to change the channel, but the remote wasn’t within arm’s reach for either of us, so we just watched whatever was on. “Whatever was on” was some Spanish soap opera or something.
If you know my dad, you know it’s very unusual for him to NOT be doing something, let alone be lazy. Unfortunately, my dad wasn’t doing anything because he was in pain. We think he pinched a nerve in his back. My entire life he has never had a pain that would stop him. This weekend he did. It was very unusual for me to see. It was a wake-up call too. I know the pinched nerve may not be a serious thing, but it served to remind me that my parents are getting older. Over the last few weeks and months, both parents have been experiencing some health issues. Dad had to have a biopsy on his prostate. The results showed that there was an “irregularity,” but that it wasn’t cancer…just something to watch. Mom also had some “irregular” cells on her cervix and will be going in next week to have them removed. I’m glad neither of them have cancer, but the “coulds” and the “ifs”—it COULD turn into cancer IF we don’t do something now—feed into my tendency to anticipate the worst for longer than necessary. And it pretty much sucks that life’s timeline dictates that kids leave home as their parents get older. It seems wrong—the less time we have on earth with our parents, the less we see them? That’s very backwards. So, maybe my decision to go home this weekend wasn’t necessarily paranoia so much as a deep understanding of the reality that day by day, I have less time to spend with them.
Besides coming to the realization of having aging parents, this trip home was different in another way. When I left Grand Rapids for Valpo, I felt like I was being sucked back by a vacuum; same thing when I left Valpo headed back for Grand Rapids. There’s a tug of war going on. Grand Rapids, surprisingly, represents to me new life, moving on, and adventure, while Valpo represents comfort, settling down, and rest. I didn’t realize that’s what was going on until my mom said something like, “If you move back to Valpo…”. I hadn’t really thought about it that much while I was in GR, but when she said that, I realized that what I’m seeking in GR, I can’t find in Valpo. I may not even be able to find in GR….or the U.S. for that matter. In Grand Rapids, that thought is exciting; but when I’m in Valpo at the house I grew up in, sitting at the table where I’ve had countless meaningful conversation with my family, that’s a very frightening thought that makes me really sad. John 12:25 says that whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life save it. Valpo represents the life I love. Grand Rapids represents the life I hate. I would love to move home, but I’m afraid I would lose my “life.” Not that I would physically die, but that I would die a little spiritually. But of course, life isn’t just geography. I think I could lose my life every day no matter where I am, but I always thought of Valpo as the place I would settle down. The truth is I don’t feel like I’ll ever settle down. I’m beginning to feel like I wasn’t made for a comfortable, predictable life, even if that’s what I’m drawn to. There’s something much deeper than my desire (maybe God’s desire?) that’s making me hesitant to go back. Maybe it’s just curiosity and adventure, and it will fade away some day too. I just don’t know…not yet anyway…
In the meantime, I have a few things to put me at ease over the next couple months. My parents will be here in two weeks for my baptism. Two weeks after that, I’ll be home for Thanksgiving. Then a month after that I’ll be home for more than a week for Christmas! Until then, I’m just going to enjoy my life here.
How was my trip home? I guess I could sum it up in two words: relaxing and reflective.
Visiting in the summer is awesome because I get to relax by the pool; visiting in the fall/winter is great because I get to relax in front of the fireplace. It probably wasn’t really cold enough to turn on the fireplace, but whatever…I had to take advantage of the opportunity since I’m going to need to store up on the heat since my house is, like, 30 below in the winter.
To say that I “relaxed” may not be completely accurate. Frankly, I was just lazy. Saturday I didn’t bother to shower or brush my teeth. I loafed in front of the fireplace most of the day, getting up only to use the restroom and eat. It gets worse. There was a point on Saturday evening where my dad and I were both laying on the floor. We wanted to change the channel, but the remote wasn’t within arm’s reach for either of us, so we just watched whatever was on. “Whatever was on” was some Spanish soap opera or something.
If you know my dad, you know it’s very unusual for him to NOT be doing something, let alone be lazy. Unfortunately, my dad wasn’t doing anything because he was in pain. We think he pinched a nerve in his back. My entire life he has never had a pain that would stop him. This weekend he did. It was very unusual for me to see. It was a wake-up call too. I know the pinched nerve may not be a serious thing, but it served to remind me that my parents are getting older. Over the last few weeks and months, both parents have been experiencing some health issues. Dad had to have a biopsy on his prostate. The results showed that there was an “irregularity,” but that it wasn’t cancer…just something to watch. Mom also had some “irregular” cells on her cervix and will be going in next week to have them removed. I’m glad neither of them have cancer, but the “coulds” and the “ifs”—it COULD turn into cancer IF we don’t do something now—feed into my tendency to anticipate the worst for longer than necessary. And it pretty much sucks that life’s timeline dictates that kids leave home as their parents get older. It seems wrong—the less time we have on earth with our parents, the less we see them? That’s very backwards. So, maybe my decision to go home this weekend wasn’t necessarily paranoia so much as a deep understanding of the reality that day by day, I have less time to spend with them.
Besides coming to the realization of having aging parents, this trip home was different in another way. When I left Grand Rapids for Valpo, I felt like I was being sucked back by a vacuum; same thing when I left Valpo headed back for Grand Rapids. There’s a tug of war going on. Grand Rapids, surprisingly, represents to me new life, moving on, and adventure, while Valpo represents comfort, settling down, and rest. I didn’t realize that’s what was going on until my mom said something like, “If you move back to Valpo…”. I hadn’t really thought about it that much while I was in GR, but when she said that, I realized that what I’m seeking in GR, I can’t find in Valpo. I may not even be able to find in GR….or the U.S. for that matter. In Grand Rapids, that thought is exciting; but when I’m in Valpo at the house I grew up in, sitting at the table where I’ve had countless meaningful conversation with my family, that’s a very frightening thought that makes me really sad. John 12:25 says that whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life save it. Valpo represents the life I love. Grand Rapids represents the life I hate. I would love to move home, but I’m afraid I would lose my “life.” Not that I would physically die, but that I would die a little spiritually. But of course, life isn’t just geography. I think I could lose my life every day no matter where I am, but I always thought of Valpo as the place I would settle down. The truth is I don’t feel like I’ll ever settle down. I’m beginning to feel like I wasn’t made for a comfortable, predictable life, even if that’s what I’m drawn to. There’s something much deeper than my desire (maybe God’s desire?) that’s making me hesitant to go back. Maybe it’s just curiosity and adventure, and it will fade away some day too. I just don’t know…not yet anyway…
In the meantime, I have a few things to put me at ease over the next couple months. My parents will be here in two weeks for my baptism. Two weeks after that, I’ll be home for Thanksgiving. Then a month after that I’ll be home for more than a week for Christmas! Until then, I’m just going to enjoy my life here.
3 comments:
AGING parents? I'm sure that at 60 they seem that way to you young people. To me, it's MY parent who is aging (at 86). Oh, my; I'm an aging parent!
Ok...they are beginning to age. But so am I, really. Over the last few months, I've discovered wrinkles I'm positive didn't exist even just a year ago. Anyway, I guess I should say they are in a different stage of "growing up." :)
Oh, I love that! I don't want to grow up completely either, so I'm glad to know that they haven't lost their "child-like charm"! :)
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