I have been very moody since I lost my job. My poor boyfriend can attest to this. Thank God for him, though! He's been amazing through all of it. I'm constantly humbled by his example of unconditional love. Ah, yes...I am blessed!
So, as I was saying, I've been moody. One day I'm pressing forward, searching diligently for a full-time job. The next day I'm not sure what I want. The next day, I accept whatever may come my way. The next day, I'm in full panic mode. Today, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with a lot of things...mostly myself. I never really cared that much about my job, but it's interesting to see how, little by little, over the span of 4 1/2 years, I began to define myself partially by my job. My job gradually became a product of my hard work and dedication. They couldn't deligate my job to just one person--it was distributed among 3 people. But that's beside the point. My job began to define a part of me. Now it's gone. On the one hand, that's really exciting. Now when people ask me what I do I can tell them I read and write and enjoy beauty. I spend time traveling between Grand Rapids, Port Huron, Hale, and Valparaiso in order to gather with family and friends. I barbeque most Wednesdays with Thomas, and I host a Bible study at my house on Tuesdays. I can tell them that I daydream now and can actually see some of my dreams coming true. And when people ask me what I'm going to do next, I tell them I have no idea...and I'm totally fine with that.
But then there are times when I'm not totally fine with that. I can say all those things about dreaming and doing and barbequing, but that's because right now I have a bit of a reprieve. I'm working on a project for the company for 2 more months, then I have 1 month of severance. I wonder where I'll be the day before my severance runs out. A part of me would really really like to know, but that part only wants to know if what is to know is that I'll be able to pay my bills and still have some money left over. The other part of me wants to hide and pretend like everything is just as it was and there's nothing to worry about.
I suppose both parts are important and should be given equal stage time. I really honestly truly believe that everything will be alright. I can accept that there may come a time when I won't be able to pay my bills, or that my house will go into foreclosure or that I might have to skip a couple meals a week, but again, I really honestly truly believe that none of that will happen because God feeds the birds and clothes the grass of the field (Matthew 6:28-31), so there's really no reason for me to think he wouldn't take care of me too (Matthew 6:30). So I really don't have anything to worry about. Both parts of the thought put together kind of look like faith. I think that's what this time in my life is about--developing a deeper faith. What a great opportunity!
Well, there was much more to say, but frankly it's late and I'm exhausted, so I'm ending it there.
Good night.
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