The Pit of Pride

A Hard Lesson Begins

God has taught me some amazing things lately. I’m so on fire and so desperate for Him. I so want to do whatever He asks me to do, so I keep asking, “Now what? What’s the next step?” I’m ready to get going! I’m ready to get away from the same job, same house, same city, same schedule, and run away with this changed heart. This same thing happens every time I am set free from something. Remember how I wrote that thing about being a small fish? Well, today I feel like a big fish in a small pond. I can’t move. I can’t hardly turn around. But I think while God is pleased at my willingness to “go into all the world,” He may just want me to settle down for a while and continue learning from Him. I believe He wants me to continue to be willing to go when He tells me to go, but right now He’s telling me to stay and be content. I’ve gone through this type of experience before, and I think if I’m not careful, I could fall again into the pit of pride. So maybe I’m not ready to move. Maybe I should become content where I am.

This issue of pride keeps coming back over and over again. It sucks, but it’s a good thing. Admitting pride is a very difficult thing for most people, I think, but I think it’s something that EVERYONE is guilty of, and I think it goes hand-in-hand with idolatry. When we value something more than we value God (i.e. education, money, success, “good deeds,” etc.), that is idolatry. When we lean on those things to lift ourselves up instead of leaning on God to build Him up, that is pride. When I started to realize how prideful and idolatrous am, I finally started to realize what it means to fear God. I have been humbled by God over and over and over again in the last year, and to be perfectly honest, I would rather humble myself before God than to be humbled by Him. I know I won’t be perfect at humility, but right now I’m so afraid of messing up again. Every day I have to remember that God is God of the universe! I think that’s why camping and hiking and stuff is so refreshing; being out in God’s creation humbles you. It reminds you of the wonder of a Creator! It’s so easy to be prideful when we’re surrounded by the things man has built because we have the potential to build them ourselves. But no one can build a tree, or a forest, or an ocean, or stars, or wind, or rain. Oh, my God! He is so awesome! (I’m a little verklempt right now. Talk amongst yourselves.)

Father God, I come before you humbled. You are God above all. I love you! Thank you for loving me! I can’t do life on my own. It’s all about you. Father, my heart is broken and only you can mend me and recreate my life from this mess that I’ve made and make it whole again. I thank you that you are my God and you love me!

For the record, here is how pride, especially concerning my finances and my relationships, has affected my life:

Finances: I wanted to appear successful and driven and independent, so I bought a house, which I couldn’t comfortably afford. God blessed me with a raise and tons of overtime at work for months on end. This, I believe, was Him displaying His mercy on me for making a bad decision. Additionally, my car was totaled out at $4000, so I put $2000 down on another car and got a loan for the rest, leaving me with an “extra” $2000. Even though I had enough money to pay cash for everything, I charged my purchases while I let the other $2000 sit in an unsecured savings account. Then I spent that money too. Instead of paying off debt, I spent all my money on clothes, shoes, alcohol, and other such things that I can’t account for. Now the clothes that I bought don’t fit because I lost 30 pounds from having to live on a $30.00/ week food budget. For lunch and dinner every day I have to eat rice and beans or stir-fry. I have gone days without eating anything of substance. My weekly budget for gas is $25.00/week no matter how high gas prices get. This means I can’t go home to visit my family as much anymore because I can’t afford the gas even though it’s only a two hour drive. I even missed the birth of my best friend’s first child. I now work 52-62 hours a week at two jobs in order to climb out of this hole. I don’t say these things to gain pity, but only to remind myself of the mess that pride has made. But praise God! He has humbled me and has been so merciful to give me the strength I need to recover!

Relationships: Two months before I got into a relationship with JR, I had broken off an EXTREMELY unhealthy relationship. I turned to God and repented of what I had done. I was living in extreme joy, peace, and contentment. I walked so closely with God at that time, that I didn’t think anything could touch me. As for relationships, God distinctly told me to wait at least a year before getting into another relationship. I turned down guys that did and did not “measure up” and so I thought I was doing pretty well. When JR came along two months later, he was everything I ever wanted in a guy. He met my top five requirements for the next guy I would be with, and more! Immediately, Satan told me that lie that I talked about a while back, “Did God REALLY say you had to wait a year? This guy is really great. He’s a Christian, you guys are great friends besides, and he knows all about your past and still wants to be with you. You’ll never find that in anyone else. If you don’t take your chance with him now, you may never get another chance. A whole year? There’s no reason for that!!” And then my pride stepped in, “I’ve been walking so closely with God that nothing, not even a relationship, can get in the way of that!” I chose to deliberately disobey God. In one decision, I exchanged truth for a lie. I exchanged security for insecurity. I exchanged peace for anxiety. The relationship was good, don’t get me wrong, but I should have waited. I now know that the insecurity and the anxiety I had in the relationship didn’t have anything to do with JR; they came because I disobeyed God and I knew it. My spirit was not at rest.

I’ve been humbled once again. I have lost my best friend and potential life partner and his trust. Not only am I walking away wounded, but worse, I wounded someone I love. I am now, once again, trying to recover my security and peace. Praise God! He has been faithful to restore rest and peace, and each day I fall more and more in love with him. I am less interested in “ending up” with someone some day, and I fervently seek for God be the fulfillment of all my heart’s deepest desires.

Final Thoughts

Every time I forge ahead with pride, two things will happen: First, I WILL always be humbled, whether I humble myself before my Creator, or He humbles me (I’d rather humble myself). Secondly, when I am humbled, He will always lovingly pick me up, dust me off, and lead me down the path He has set for me. God wants the glory and He deserves it, I do not.

Father God, I thank that you love me unconditionally and that you never give up on me. I praise you, Lord, because you are good and merciful and faithful. You are God above all, my Creator, and my only hope of living a fulfilling life!