Every day is an elipsis... ... ... ...

My mind has been racing for days. Here's the top ten things on my mind:

10.) I have to be full of forgiveness and kindness toward everyone in the body of Christ no matter what so that I can contribute to the completeness of the body of Christ. (Ephesians 4:12-13)

9.) I am not good Suzie McChristian because I read my Bible and pray. I read my Bible and pray because I am NOT good. On the same token, my life isn't filled with better "luck" because I read my Bible and pray, my mind is just filled with more Truth.

8.) I am thankful for God's grace, but I don't think I've fully grasped it. I still try so hard to be Christ-like that I think I sometimes drive myself nuts. I am not Jesus; I am a disciple. I'm a messy Christian. I doubt, I fear, I judge...I chastise myself for my imperfection...still...even though I know I can't be perfect and that's perfectly fine with God.

7.) I expect from other people what I expect from myself, and I expect perfection from myself most of the time. As much as it hurts to admit it, JR was right. I expected him to be perfect. I'm thankful he wasn't because it made me realize that I'm not either...and I never will be (AAAAHHHHGGG! I'm STILL having trouble accepting that!!!! ...I'm working on it...)

6.) I feel very bad for whoever ends up marrying me (if God chooses to bless me in that way). I am a mess! My unfortunate future husband, I hope you are patient and gracious and, most of all, have a tight, secure relationship with God, because I promise you, I'll love you sweetly, but I will hurt you bitterly... I wish there was a preemptive "I'm sorry" I could place over the relationship, but then, I suppose, I would never learn how to be sweet more often than bitter.

5.) I still don't know what to do with my life. It seems like I have many small desires that always evaporate like dew from the ground. Is this how it will always be for me? Desiring always, but never desiring and following through with ONE THING? All I know is that I have a burning desire in my heart, but I don't know for what...

4.) I am thankful that Saturday is my last day working my second job. I have found that, for me, the stress of having very little money is better than the stress of having very little time.

3.) I have an inexpressible joy in me, and that is extremely frustrating. I want people to understand this joy with their deepest understanding, but I can't make sense of it. I don't know how to release it. I can't write about it, because I don't have the words. I can't sing about it because I don't have the voice. It sounds cliche, but I really think the only way is to shout about it from the mountains!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!!!!

2.) I have books, the internet, over 200 TV channels, video games, movies, yardwork, housework, and homework. They all eventually bore me. But I can watch a thunderstorm, a sunrise, a sunset, waves crashing on the rocks a billion days in a row, and I can listen to leaves running with the wind and mourning doves sing their song for endless days and never get tired of it. Isn't it funny how those books, movies, TV shows and video games receive awards for their finite entertainment value, but God's infinite creativity goes largely unnoticed day in and day out? (Incidentally, isn't it funny how the awards that are handed out are usually golden statues? "I don't know what happened! They gave me their gold, and out popped this calf!" Aaron shrugs....)

1.) If I only recognized God in as many things I recognize Satan in, maybe I would enjoy my daily life more....

There it is. That's the top 10, but that's not the whole of it...I have discussions with myself all day long concerning these things...the thoughts morph exponentially...maybe I'll have some answers soon...more likely, I never will have answers....my life is an elipsis.......................