Something to die for

I've been following a blog by a mother of 6 children who lost her 22 month old on December 12th. Never before could I have felt her pain like I feel it now that I have my own little boy. His first few weeks of life I didn't like him very much. He cried all the time and he wouldn't let me sleep. He shook up our lives and made me feel more vulnerable than I've ever felt before. But gradually I got to know him and I began not only to love him, but to like him. And now I wouldn't think twice about giving my life to save his. Unfortunately, tragedy is the loudest and most clear reminder to love while you have the chance.

Thomas Alvin Case V is finally here!

*Our baby was born October 19, 2010 at 3:52 A.M. I actually started writing this the week after he was born, but I've been a little busy to publish this :)*

The last time I felt this way was after our wedding. To everyone else, a wedding or a birth is just another wedding or birth--another event. For me, these events made this life stand still while another life and world, totally separate from this one, was created. I was changed there, and now I am left to reconcile my two lives into one. It is a bittersweet transition.

I was admitted to the hospital Sunday morning after experiencing some strong, but irregular contractions from about 2 A.M. Saturday morning until 7 A.M. Sunday when we finally called the doctor and were told to head to the hospital. We spent a couple hours in triage while they monitored me for some progression. Thankfully, I progressed enough to be admitted. At the time, I couldn't imagine being sent home only to have to make the trip back to the hospital later. We only live 3 miles from the hospital, but the first trip over the torn up city roads was the only trip I wanted to make. Besides that, we had already told our parents that we were headed to the hospital...therefore, the parents were also headed to the hospital. Had we known how long it would be until baby Tommy would be here, we would have had them wait a while before making the trip. Bless their hearts for enduring 2 days and 2 nights in the waiting room!

As you can imagine, Sunday was a very exciting day for everyone. We were at the beginning of the mental game. I was managing the contractions well by singing, dancing, soaking in the jacuzzi tub, and relaxing. At about 2 A.M. Monday morning, I had my first emotional breakdown when I was told that I had not progressed at all within the last 8 hours. I hadn't slept, I had eaten very little, and as I was in progressively more pain, I was finding that many of my coping techniques were expiring. Besides that, my water hadn't broke, which was making progression an even more difficult task. I was becoming less consolable. Around 10 A.M. Monday morning, I finally took the doctor's advice to take a morphine shot so I could get some sleep and relax. I thought I had slept for only a half hour, but I found out later I slept for about 2 hours. At the end of the two hours, my water broke. We thought for sure that progression would come quickly now, so we took "thumbs up" pictures and prepared ourselves to meet our new baby in 4 hours.

But 4 hours later, our baby still wasn't here. It was determined later that my uterus simply was not contracting hard enough for me to dilate on my own. This meant Pitocin would have to be administered--a strong indicator that my hopes to have a drug-free birth would be dashed. We tried some natural techniques for increasing the strength of the contractions, but we were not successful.

Finally, at about 9:00 Monday night, exhausted but feeling like I had fought a good fight, I ordered an epidural. Pitocin was administered soon after that. I felt good about my decision and that it was absolutely necessary at that point. Looking back, I'm sure I would have died of exhaustion if I had not gotten the epidural.



Anyway, the epidural was great! I could still feel and move my left leg and I could move my right foot. I could also feel some of the contractions, but I could not feel pain. So, I slept for a few hours (at least that's what I'm told. I don't remember much about the hours after the epidural). I woke up and a couple hours later I felt a very strong urge to push. They checked me and I was told NOT to push! HA! 20 minutes later, I told them I HAD to push, and again was told that even though I was 10 centimeters dialated, I could not push until the doctor got there. Thankfully, she lives in the neighborhood only 5 minutes from the hospital. Once she got there I was told that the pushing stage would take 2-3 hours. HA! I had been in labor for 72 hours, so I determined I would NOT push for any more hours. Thirty minutes later, my baby boy was lying on my chest!

Looking back, it was quite an amazing experience! For me, it was more of a mental/emotional challenge than a physical challenge, but it was a fun challenge. Even though I had moments when I was ready to throw in the towel and when I swore off any future pregnancies, the whole experience was one-of-a-kind that I will cherish forever.

Dear Baby Boy

Dear Baby Boy,

Today everyone expects to meet you. I don't think you'll come today because I haven't been showing any of the normal "signs" that labor is about to start, but maybe after I write this letter to you we'll both be more confident about making today your birthday.

I felt like I needed to write to you in order to come to the realization that you are not just an ever-growing, no-hassle, movement in my stomach, and to hopefully give us both some confidence in me. Baby Boy, the truth is that I'm scared. I'm afraid of the unknown. I don't know when you'll decide to come; I don't know how you'll decide to come; I don't know how long it will take or much it will hurt. I do know the "you" that I can reach down and touch, but I don't know the "you" that can reach up and touch me. I love you as much as I can right now, but I don't think it's enough, and that scares me too. I don't even call you by your name when I talk about you; you're always "the baby." Have you noticed that? It's not that I'm detached from you emotionally, it's just that I don't know you as a person yet--I only know you as the movements in my stomach that are covered by my skin and protected by my body. You're not your own person yet; you're still a part of me. I only worry about or love the things that I can love about you right now. For instance, I worry when I haven't felt you move much during the day, but I love when I can see your back moving up and down with your practice breaths (and I also love when you make your dad giggle by giving him a few kicks in the back!).

I have so many doubts about my readiness and ability to be a good mother. When I used to think about my future, children were always a part of it, but I never imagined my future would eventually become my present reality. I think that's another reason I'm scared. I'm a dreamer and a planner. Those two things don't seem to go hand in hand very well. In my dreams, you just existed and I was a great mother. In reality, you were conceived much sooner than I had planned. In reality, I had to wait 9 nauseous, weight-gaining, body morphing months for you. Once you are born I have to practice patience and faith, and I have to realize that I will fail, and I need to accept that there will be days where you come very close to hating me. These are the things that I have to plan and prepare for, but they don't line up with the dream. On the other hand, I should plan that there will also be days where I'll feel like a competent mother just because I was able to feed you when you were hungry, or because a kiss made your boo-boo all better, or because I was able to make you laugh. And I will absolutely melt when you reach out for me for the first time, or when you open a door for me, or when you tell me that I look pretty.

I guess what I need to tell you (and myself) most of all right now is that none of the whens, wheres, hows, and what ifs matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. God is our Creator. Whether we choose to believe it or not, He knows our deepest desires and He loves us more than we can imagine. Put those two things together and why should we ever be afraid? It's simple, but it's not easy because you have to resist your enemy's negative but totally plausible suggestions (we'll be talking more about this when you get older).

So, I'm going to fight for faith this week as I wait for you. Despite the doubts and fears that creep into my head, I'm going to trust that God knows what he's doing and that I can do all things through Him! That's such an amazing truth that I hope we do well in showing you.

I'll see you soon, Tommy! I love you!

Your mother.

The Gift of Birth

I've just begun week 37 of pregnancy. That means I only have 3 more weeks (give or take) until I meet this little guy. It's been quite a journey!

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was more horrified than I was excited. After all, I was in the midst of one of the worst periods of anxiety I've ever had in my life (How could I take care of a baby when I can't even take care of myself?), I had only been married for 3 months (We haven't had enough time to establish our marriage!), and worst of all, I would have 9 months of no control over my body. It took a few weeks to get used to the news, a few more weeks to accept it, and it wasn't until I was 19 weeks along, when I began to see the tiny twitches of his body against my stomach, that I began to feel an emotional attachment to my baby.

Most of my second trimester was great. I felt really good, and giving birth, while I knew it would happen "some day," seemed like an eternity away, so I didn't worry about it. The first day of my third trimester the labor, the pain, the unknown became all too real to me. I got really serious about learning relaxation techniques, became educated about exactly what would happen on D-day, and generally became a bit more anxious about that day. But earlier this week, I spent some time with God laying down my worries at His feet. While I was praying, He helped me to realize the TRUE wonder of what was going to happen!

I get to deliver God's creation from my own body...

I get to witness God being Creator first-hand...

I get to partake in a love between God and me, Tom and me, and my baby boy and me that I have never yet known...

I get to give my husband a gift of love that no one else on earth has or ever will be able to give him, and I get to receive likewise!

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of birth!

Recipe: Avocado Burrito

I have been a vegetarian for about 4 years. I must say, I have yet to figure out how to really eat a vegetarian diet. For the first year, I ate very simply. For example: I'd eat a couple pieces of fruit for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and whole wheat pasta with broccoli and olive oil for dinner. I can't say I've made a whole lot of progress since that first year, and I would have to say that I've even digressed since I got pregnant. My poor baby is going to exit the womb craving pizza and peanut butter! But every once in a while I'll fix something up that is quick, healthy, and tasty. This is an extremely easy and filling (and quick, healthy, and tasty) lunch I made for myself today.

1 whole wheat tortilla
1/2 avocado
1/2 cup diced tomato
1/4 cup mozzarella cheese
1/3 cup black beans
Salt to taste

Mash up the avocado and spread it on the tortilla. Add the rest of the ingredients. Fold the tortilla. Eat, and be filled!

New Week New Worries

There is no doubt that this pregnancy has been a prime time for God to teach me about trust, love, and relationships. The lessons are essentially the same, but over time the focus has changed from me to this baby and me, and finally to God and this baby and me.

Seven months ago, my main concerns were: "How will I get through this? How will this change my relationship with my husband? Do I have what it takes to get through this pregnancy? What symptoms will I experience? Will I be able to handle them?" Ten weeks ago, the concerns were about the health of the baby: Are all his limbs present? Is his brain developing correctly? How could I handle it if he died? And in the last few weeks I've begun to worry about the relationship we'll have. Will he recognize me when he's born? Will he love me? What if he doesn't like me? Will he want to tell people how wonderful his parents are? When I think about those questions I comfort myself, justifying, "Of course he'll love me! I'm his mother. I'm his life source. We've been attached all this time, his love will come naturally." I hope that this baby chooses to love me; that he'll know that I love him; that he won't be ashamed of me, and that he'll be proud to have me as a mother. But the reality is that this is as close as we'll ever be. Once he is outside my body, that's when he begins to have choices. I'm convinced that giving birth is taking a huge risk with your heart.

I can't help but wonder if I may be getting a glimpse of how God felt when he chose to conceive Adam and Eve. I wonder how badly it hurt when he gave birth to humankind, knowing that he also had to give them free will...and that they would grow further from him for it. That some of his children would not love him or even recognize him. Some of his children would claim to love him, but would never talk to him, or try to live like him, or tell others that they have a Father and that he is the greatest Father ever. I know God isn't naive enough to think that humankind's love for Him would come naturally just because he created us, but I know he does say, "I love you! Love me back! I'm your life-source! I've always been attached to you; I hold you in my right hand!"

No doubt God took a risk with his heart when he created human beings.

New Baby Bump Pics

Well, I'm pretty sure I have now graduated from looking like I ate a large dinner to actually looking like I'm pregnant. Last week I actually got my first "pregnancy privilege" as two ladies let me go in front of them in the line at the grocery store :) I still wasn't sure even then that I looked pregnant...until that special moment at the store.

I've been feeling pretty good this trimester. I've had more energy and much less/no nausea. I'm feeling much more ready to meet this little guy, but I'm glad there's still 17 more weeks to go. God really knew what he was doing when he gave mommies-to-be 9 months to prepare physically, mentally, and emotionally for a baby. I seem to be growing right along with him :)

20 weeks

22 weeks

23 weeks

recurring dream

I've been talking with a couple of friends of mine about the weird dreams we've been having lately. Now I'm not a crazy dream interpreter that thinks that all dreams have some hidden meaning. You can't tell me this dream is anything but random: One of my friends was in a singing competition at church, but her hoodie got ripped. When she and I and her husband were on our way to Wendy's in a speedboat that was actually a canoe, we started being chased by another boat. Of course, there were whales in the water and we almost fell out and were eaten by whales. Despite surviving manhunt lead by savage humans and hungry whales, we tragically did not make it Wendy's for our frosties before I woke up.

Dreams like that are a nice rest from the recurring one I've had for the last few months. All the dreams vary slightly, but have the same frightening details. 1.) there is an evil presence that I can't see, 2.) I can't turn on the lights, 3.) either I can't speak or I'm not heard, 4.) I am never touched or harmed in the dream, only frightened. The first time I had a dream like this was probably the most frightening because it started in a scene that almost exactly duplicated a scene that took place right before I went to sleep...only in my dream the lights were out. I was sitting next to my husband on the couch and all I could see was his profile against the dim light coming in the window from the outside. I kept trying to ask him to turn the light on, but I couldn't speak and it seemed that even if I could have, he wouldn't have been able to hear me. Gradually, I became frightened and I began to feel something evil in the room with us. It became more and more urgent for me to have the lights on and I kept trying to scream at my husband to turn the lights on but he couldn't hear me! Finally, I said "Get behind me Satan" and I could feel the presence right behind me hovering over my right shoulder.... I woke screaming and had a hard time calming down after that.

I know these dreams have some real-life significance to them. Before I ever say anything to the evil in the dream, I always think, "do you really believe the words you're saying, or are you hoping these words will just perform a magic trick for you?" When there is such a presence of fear it's easy to pull out all the verses and godly language just to get myself out of the fearful situation, but if I don't really believe it or have faith in God's authority, how much good will it do? That seems to be the main point in these dreams. When I'm awake and I think about this, I have to admit that I know that God has the authority over Satan and fear, but I honestly don't think I'm completely convinced of it. My first reaction in my dreams is fear. My first action is to try to turn on the light or call out to someone. My last action is to call out to God. So now my goal is to react in faith instead of fear and to rely on God's authority over Satan...both in my dreams and in real life....

Test of Faith: The Result Show

A couple weeks ago I wrote about the impossible financial situation we were in. I chose to trust God and I was blessed with peace about the situation. And now I have a story to tell!

Here's the math:

$90 - what we were left with after paying bills
$180 - what we needed for Tom to get to work for the next two weeks
$60 - what we needed for groceries for two weeks
$82.80 - amount needed to pay a toll violation (we didn't miss the tolls on purpose) (it needed to be paid before we would get paid again, otherwise $50 would be added to each toll fee of $20.00).
5 - number of bills that still needed to be paid

So, you can see we were short by over $200 for the two weeks. Here's where the miracle begins. The following day, Tom's parents came over and brought with them a HUGE box full of food and toiletries. Later that day, they bought us another entire order of groceries. We didn't need to buy groceries for the entire two weeks!

Additionally, my parents offered to pay the toll violations. Also, my birthday was coming up and they gave me an advancement on my birthday money.

The next week we sold one of the Playstations that Tom had fixed. $225.
Bought another broken Playstation in order to continue the business: -$90
The next week we headed up to my parents where Tom trimmed the hedges and did other projects around the house: $200.
The Playstation we sold crashed for the second time. We refunded the customer. -$225.

At this point, I started to get discouraged again because I was banking on the money Tom would make trimming the hedges in order to pay the rest of our bills, but it looked like we would have to return all that money, plus some, to our customer.

Now, before I go on I have to insert that for the last 8 months the number 222 has come to mean something to me. I don't know why, but whenever I see that number I just remember God's love and faithfulness....now for the rest of the story.

Yesterday we received a check in the mail for, can you guess how much? $222!!! Praise God!!!! We now have more than enough to get us through until the next paycheck!! AND we were still able to tithe!!

It's been a wonderful two weeks of watching for God's faithfulness. All I can say is GOD IS GOOD!

Baby Bump Pics

Pre-baby

14 weeks

17 weeks

18 weeks

Not much to see here...yet. And I had to archive my pre-pregnancy belly since I will probably never see it again.

Today I'm contemplating the pain. I made the mistake of YouTubing women having contractions...ouch! Of course, these ladies weren't employing the methods I've been reading about. Even though I haven't received it yet, I am forever grateful to my cousin for sending me a relaxation method she used while she gave birth at home to her FOURTEEN POUND BABY!

I'm also contemplating the term "labor." Labor means hard work. I'm going to need some endurance for the pain and the labor...I should probably start exercising. It's tough just to walk briskly for a half hour, and that's with NO pain. Hmmm....yes, I should definitely reconsider my exercise program (or lack thereof).