Enjoying a Dream Come True

I am often tempted (and often I fall to the temptation) to think negatively about everything...and I mean, EVERYTHING! Even if my dreams are coming true (and they are right now), instead of rejoicing in the grace of that, I become very suspicious. Why on earth would MY dreams come true? And if my dreams are coming true, shouldn't I have to struggle, to strive, to work, to walk on fire in order to have the things I want? But what testament to God's grace and unreasonable love would I have if I had to strive in order for my dreams to come true?

...And it's not just my dreams that He's allowing to come true in my life, it's even little everyday things. Last weekend while we were on a retreat with our high-schoolers, I had such an intimate moment with God where He distinctly told me that His love is for me too. I was so excited about that, so I asked for a shooting star. Over the next two hours, I looked up in the sky whenever I had the chance, eagerly expecting my shooting star. I looked down for one moment to make sure there was no ice under foot, and in that one moment I heard my husband shout, "DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!" He had seen a shooting star--MY shooting star--the longest, slowest, shooting star he had ever seen. I missed it. I was instantly so angry that God didn't allow me to see it (remember, I am negative about everything). After I calmed down, I finally realized that God gave me what I asked for. He gave me what I asked for but I couldn't enjoy it. I was too busy watching for ice to see the star. This is the story of my life.

This has to be the end of living my life this way, or else I will never be happy. Back in April, before I lost my job and before I met my husband, my strongest desire was to be a good wife and mother. I felt very at home and content with that life. A few weeks later I met my husband, and within 6 months we were married. Three months later, we found out I was pregnant. I haven't had one day of morning sickness (something else I earnestly prayed for!) My dreams were coming true, and I didn't even have to be patient!! Despite all these things, I haven't been dancing under the stars. Instead, I've been watching out for ice and I've been completely miserable. I realize what the problem is, but I honestly have no idea how to fix it. Sadly, I have no idea how to truly enjoy my life, except to keep telling myself that I have a life worth enjoying. I have to keep reminding myself that the joy of seeing the shooting star I asked for is more joyous than the pain of slipping on the ice is painful.

I have to keep reminding myself that the best things in life are not earned or bought. The best things in life are offered, in abundance, by my loving Creator as a gift. I just have to accept that.

The Last 9 Months/The Next 9 Months

This is just a little collage of my life over the past nine months. Add to this the pics of losing my job, having debilitating panic attacks, of gaining a bit of freedom from anxiety, bouts with depression, and days of rest, and you'll have a more complete picture. I can't help but think that all these thing together are not the complete picture, but that they are part of the whole. I have to think that way or else I will be much like I was earlier today -- sobbing over how things are not going as I had planned. According to my plan, at this point in my life I would be completely free of anxious thoughts; I would have a handle on my life; I would have had at least a year after getting married before starting a family; I would have been able to stay a while longer in the responsibility free moments of weekends at the cabin or evenings on the snowboarding hills. I'm not sure why the thought of not having that depresses me. I have gained much more than I've lost. I've lost only a little freedom and responsibility and a job that I never really liked anyway. I've gained another great family, a deep knowledge of how little strength I have apart from God, many restful days, and the beginning of my own family.

While I'm mourning the life that is behind me, I just know that 8 months from now I'll see the bigger, more beautiful picture. Forgive me for my discontent.

Prayer for Today

"...Help me overcome my unbelief!"

God and Two-Inch Spaces

Have you ever stood at the top of a mountain, the edge of a shoreline, or the middle of a valley and become overwhelmed by the weight of the beauty surrounding you? You stand there for an eternity trying to take it all in. You look as far out as you can see in every direction, almost dropping under the enormity of what surrounds you. You can feel the wind on every bare inch of skin; the air cleanses your lungs and you are sure that you have never truly breathed air until now. The world is so silent here that your thoughts become deafening. You seriously contemplate whether you will become a permanent fixture of the landscape or whether you will settle for a photograph.

You pull out your camera and point it at the grandeur. You try to focus your eyes on the landscape within the two-inch camera screen, but the mountains, the waves, the trees, the birds all squeeze out of the frame 360 degrees around you. The picture you have just taken doesn't do your experience justice. And that's all you can say when your friends turn their dispassionate glance from your photo back to you. "The picture doesn't do it justice!" you say. "You really have to see it in person to get the whole effect."

How often do we attempt the same with God? We experience the glory of God with every fiber of our being, then try to contain our experience of Him in a tiny two-inch box. We take our sad little box--maybe it's a box of logic or rules or rituals--and we are broken-hearted when our friends give us a blank stare that wonders why you wasted their time. Indeed, they really do need to see it in person to get the whole effect.

Are you bringing God to your friends in a box, or are they able to see Him in person?

Alissa's Five Things

I've been sitting at home day after day trying to figure out what my dream job is, while I watch time run out on our second income, which is do to expire in September. I can tell you what my dream job is NOT; I can tell you what it kind of looks like; but I can't really tell you what it IS. I can tell you what I THINK it is, but the more in depth I think about it, the less it seems like a dream job. Maybe I just need to stop thinking so much and just start doing. If it's blessed, it's blessed. If not, I'll move on. But I better get a move on it so I get it figured out before I stop getting paid to look for a job.

So, without further ado (man, that was a lot of "ado!"), I think my dream job would to be a writer. This is not completely new. I remember in a counseling session probably about a year ago telling my counselor that I would love to be a writer. However, being the typical doubter that I am, I immediately thought, "That's impossible for you. You have no talent for such a thing!" Whether or not that's true, I don't know. I do know that it's something that not only do I have a passion for but it is also very cathartic for me.

As cathartic as it can be for me that is only if I am writing out of pure emotion. Writers write based on guidelines and deadlines, not based on feelings. In this way, writing can be a pain in the butt for me. Oh man, did I hate writing papers in college! I wish I had realized then that grades don't follow you around after college quite like your heart does. Before I went to college I wrote because I loved to write. During college, I wrote because I had to. After college, I didn't write at all. I learned during college that in order to be "successful" (that is, in order to get a good grade...such a tiny focus!) in writing, all my writing had to have this many arguments, that many quotes and it had to span so many pages. That's when I stopped dreaming. Thankfully, in the last year of stopping cold in my tracks on the path of success, my heart is finally catching up...only it's on the path of happiness. That's where I'm going with my writing.

I'm too much of realist to believe that following happiness is going to be consistent and fruitful, so I'm not going to let my heart take over completely. I know that in order to be a writer, whether or not I get paid, I must have a balance. It's much like my workouts have been in the past: some days I enjoy working out and some days I have to drag myself out there like a child who is called in from Sunday afternoon fun to go to night church (I think I put up a fight every week until about high school. In fact, I may or may not have done a similar thing within the last couple of weeks...heh, heh). So, in true Alissa fashion, I've made a list of tips for myself:

1.) Write more. Almost any article you come across on "How to be a Writer" you'll see this advice. Academia taught me theory, but never really taught me application (which is probably why IN THEORY I'm qualified to do anything, but IN REALITY I'm qualified to do nothing...yes, I am bitter....). I've spent exactly zero dollars on this advice, but it still seems about a million times more useful than what I paid tens of thousands of dollars to learn (yes, still bitter).

2.) Be prepared. Before I started writing this, I spent about an hour looking up articles about writing, being a writer, and I also checked my email and facebook. When I finally pulled up my blog to start writing, I decided that was the perfect time to start eating breakfast. I finished a banana, sat down to write, then decided some yogurt and granola would really hit the spot. After that, I sat down to do some SERIOUS writing and quickly decided that an apple would definitely set the tone for a day of writing. While that is helping me with my little aversion to food after holiday binging, it is not helping me meet any goals. Although I suppose I could argue (another thing that academia taught me *cha ching*) that the nutrients feed my brain in order to help me write better (I don't know...is it really working?). Even if that were true, I suppose it is possible for me to get all my eating out of the way before I sit down the first time, or I could just set myself up in the kitchen so that if I feel the necessity to eat right now, all I'd have to do is reach and grab. This could be bad for the waistline, though. Perhaps I should think about writing in a coffeeshop or a bookstore (what better place for inspiration, right?).

3.) Expect crap. I've actually written many more blogs than I've posted, and if I wasn't so sentimental, I would probably delete a lot of what I've published on here simply because it is just not well written at all. I hold myself to a very high standard, which is good in accounting, but not so good here. If I write a bad article, that does not necessarily mean I'm a bad writer. Maybe I'm just having a bad writing day, or maybe I just need more practice. No problem. I won't ever stop thinking, so I'll never stop writing...even if it is pure crap. There are some authors who have published books and they write at a level I wrote at in third grade (maybe they are third-graders, in which case, kudos!), so I'm not going to feel bad if I have a bad writing day, or week, or LIFETIME for that matter! At least I had fun, right?

4.) Set goals. Have husband trick you into accomplishing your goals. This is a very unpopular thing to say in this day and age, but I'm just going to say it because it's true: I am not self-motivated. Having said that, I'm not sure if this tip is going to work for me. I have written "to do" lists and even gone to the trouble of drawing pretty little checkboxes next to each goal, only to find the list untouched at the end of the day. Here's the kicker: it doesn't bother me a bit when none of those things are accomplished. I can always clean the bathroom tomorrow, right? I guess I might have to revise this tip. I should set goals, then tell them to my husband and have him remind me of what I said I was going to do. In some sort of weird way, even though he's telling me my own goals, I feel like I'm doing it for him when it comes from his mouth. I don't find much pleasure in accomplishments unless it pleases someone else. So there. Yeah! That's what I'll do! Great idea, Alissa!

5.) Spend more time on conclusions. I'm horrible at concluding my writing. Always have been...

What I'm thinking about today :)

Therefore, behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart. There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt. -Hosea 2:14-15

Two truths

1.) Bad things happen to everyone. One question you hear often in a crisis is, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The answer lies in another question: Why do bad things happen?? Bad things happen because we live in a bad world. Just like you can't do enough to get to heaven, you also can't do enough to have a life void of troubles.

2.) If your life is in Christ, trouble as you know it doesn't exist. It's right there in John 16. In verse 33, Jesus says, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" This is very encouraging if you can just get your worldly self past the part where He says we'll have trouble. If you're like me, you would just rather skip the "trouble" part altogether. Unfortunately, by trying to skip the "trouble" part, you only create more trouble and never, or at least rarely get to experience the Joy and Peace part Jesus talks about in verses 24 and 33.

On a personal note, I'm pretty annoyed with myself for getting caught up in the order of the sentences in verse 33 rather than the grammar of it. Because of the order of the sentences, I've had a hard time getting past the guaranteed trouble. But the truth lies in the grammar, not the order of the sentences. The first sentence, "In this world you will have trouble" suggests that this is something that will happen, but hasn't happened yet. The last sentences, "But take heart! I have overcome the world!" grammatically suggests that we should take heart NOW because Jesus ALREADY ("I have overcome") overcame the world. The best parts actually happened BEFORE the trouble. Hmmm....

So, there you have it. Two truths for the day, and hopefully for life.

God is big -- really really big!!

It's a bit frustrating when you realize that the obvious has been such a mystery for such a long time.

Here is the obvious-made mystery-made obvious to me this week: God is really really really big!

He cannot be contained in words; He is The Word.

He cannot be contained in a creature or creation; He is the Creator.

He cannot be contained in a checkbook or a paycheck; He already paid the debt.

Here is the other truth that follows: Satan is very very very small.

He is contained by one Word.

God is present in, but not contained by our lives, our words, our thoughts, our finances, our moments.....

Identity Shift

While I was home alone yesterday, I experienced an almost full-blown panic attack. Severe nausea, fingers and face tingling, shortness of breath, dizziness, feeling like I would lose all control...the whole nine yards. There wasn't a whole lot that I could do since all my coping techniques weren't working and my usual comforts weren't available. There were only two options: 1.) die, or 2.) work through it. Obviously, I chose to work through it.

I spent about two hours working through it. It sucked! Basically, by working through it, that meant that I had to observe the feelings I was having without reacting to them emotionally. If the feelings or thoughts got worse I had to embrace them and demand (mentally) that they get worse, thus diffusing the fear by facing it. I have to admit, I gave it a half-hearted effort, because I really did not want my brain to get confused and say, "Oh, you want more? Ok, I'll give you more!!" And then, of course, I would throw up (of course this has NEVER happened to me because of severe anxiety or during a panic attack. That's just the way my mind works.) Since I only gave it a half-hearted effort, it took much much longer than I would have liked. But I did it, and that's what counts!!

It's funny how little victory I actually felt after that.

(And now begins the point of the story)

You see, after 8 years of handle anxiety and panic attacks the wrong way--by fighting against the feeling--and having it only result in more ammo for anxiety to come back, it's almost twilight zoney to do it a different way, and, even as good as it feels, to take away some of it's momentum. In fact, I was almost depressed last night and felt very unlike "myself." That feeling alone gave me a lot of mental anguish and a little anxiety.

And then I was brushing my teeth and praying. Here's what I said to God without even thinking about it, "Lord, I don't feel like myself without the anxiety." Immediately, I stopped talking (well, actually I was saying it in my head because I had my mouth full of toothpaste) and thought, "That's a problem." I never realized it before, even when I had given it much thought (it's funny how well we tend to justify the way we act/react to situations), but I do define myself partly by my anxiety. Yikes!! I DO NOT WANT TO DEFINE MYSELF OR BE DEFINED BY ANXIETY ANY LONGER!!!!!!!

2 Timothy 1: 7 says that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and a SOUND MIND!

When I look back at the last few months, I can see that God is pealing away the things that I always used to define me. I am no longer defined by my job or job status; I am no longer defined by my independence, and I am no longer defined by my anxiety. Who am I? What is God's purpose for my life?

I'm excited to find out....

God in the Grocery Store

My insight for the day: Everything we do is what we do while we're listening to God. I guess the reason this hit me today is because I woke up this morning asking what God wanted me to do today, and right as I was about to kick back and relax in silence (and likely fall asleep) until God told me what he wanted me to do, a thought came to me that the work I do is important because it has to get done, but my heart should always be prepared to put down whatever I'm doing to do what God wants me to do.

I have the tendency to think that when God asks me to do something it's always going to be something huge that I will have to block out hours of my day (or my week...or my life) to do. But sometimes (most of the time) it is a simple thing that still can't get done if I'm sitting at home waiting to hear from God. Like, maybe I'll be out doing the grocery shopping, and I'll be able to encourage the cashier by being friendly to her/him after the customer before me berated him/her for not magically knowing the prices on all the bulk produce in the store. You know, that sort of thing.

So, anyway, just because I'm not out feeding and clothing people on the streets every day doesn't mean that by going about my daily tasks I'm not changing someone's life.

Everything I do is what I do while I'm listening to God.