Chris Parker - May 17, 1974 - April 27, 2009

As I've been talking to people about Chris, I have found that they all felt the same way about him. He was the person everyone went out of their way to talk to; the day wasn't complete until you got to see him or laugh with him or hear him tell a story about one of his daughters.

I am so glad I had the chance to tell him what he meant to me.

Unfortunately, it took his death to make me realize some important life lessons: tell the people you care about how much you love them, always make time for them, and never put off any kindness because of the fear of vulnerability.

Thank you, Father, for the joy you brought to us each day through Chris!

Blank

Denial. You’re not gone. I won’t go to the funeral. That would make it too true.

Don’t die. Don’t be buried. Just come back.

Anger. Why did this happen? Why couldn't someone save him?

Blame. I should have told you to stop drinking so much Mountain Dew. It was my responsibility to tell you not to eat all that fast food.

Or maybe I shouldn’t have told you that your purpose in life was to make me smile, because you DID make me smile, and maybe that’s why you decided it was ok to go.

Just come back.

Dear Whoever,

Dear Whoever,

I will do whatever I can to make you believe that I am an air-brushed beauty queen. I will pluck, shave, and wax; apply, brush, condition, whiten, tan, dye, and moisturize; spritz, spray, scrub, and squeeze. I will take forever to do these things and I will take even longer to examine the results...and I will still find faults. But you will see results.

I will do whatever I can to make you believe that I am an angel. I will smile for the time that I'm around you, I'll be charming, witty, intelligent, and agreeable. I'll like your music, your TV shows, and your hobbies. Inside I will be tense, nervous, angry and resentful. I will have talked myself out of sharing my opinion a thousand times, I will have prayed a thousand times that God would give me the strength to continue being agreeable, and I will have forfeited one thousand pieces of my heart to give you everything...and I will become weaker every time. But you will feel loved.

And then a day will come when I'll be too exhausted to put up the front for you, so I will tell you that you're not right for me, and I'll never talk to you again. It's not fair, I know. But please be fair to me as well.

Please don't put me on a pedestal, don't expect too much from me, don't brag about me to your friends and family, don't call me a princess, don't tell me I'm perfect, don't picture me as your wife, don't tell me how wonderful you think I am. Please don't do these things...yet.

When you've seen me without makeup, unkempt, bloated, angry, anxious, and anguished and you still think I'm beautiful and you still think you love me, THEN you can tell me I'm beautiful and that you love me, and I will actually believe you.

I'm not saying that there isn't anything good about the true me. In fact, I have a lot of great qualities, but you have to wait a while to see them.

In the meantime, PLEASE do not indulge the person I'm trying to make you think I am.

Sincerely,

Alissa

Easter Weekend

I just got back from spending the weekend in Wheaton with my family--the first Easter since I really decided to live and walk daily with Christ. This Easter meant more to me than it ever has.

There were a few things that distracted me from my first Easter as a Christ-follower. First of all, I was not at my church where I knew they were rocking out and celebrating LOUDLY. I was at my parents' church which is much more traditional and quiet. There were a few times I wanted SO BADLY to clap or shout or say "amen" but had to sit quietly instead in order not to upset the status quo.

Secondly, the church was PACKED out. We (my brother, his girlfriend, and me) luckily found seats, but we were packed in so tightly that the entire row had to sit and stand at exactly the same time in order not to create a "squeezing an ice cube tightly between your fingers" effect upon sitting or standing.

Finally, as I mentioned above, I was sitting with my brother. It should be a law that we can't sit together in church. When we were younger, we used to fight. Now that we're older, we laugh. I mean, from the unenthused "He is risen. Hallelujeh" recited by the congregation to my stomach growling LOUDLY toward the end of the service, we were laughing.

However, the reverance and meaning of the day finally hit me during the last two hymns. The first was "In Christ Alone" by Stuart Townsend. The words "Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied;For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live" turned on the tears and it wasn't until the end of the Hallelujeh Chorus that my tears stopped.

As I stood there silently sobbing and discreetly wiping away tears, I was thinking about how my friend loved me so much that He died so that I wouldn't have to live in the bondage of fear, hopelessness, guilt, sin, or anger. On top of that, he did it without expecting that I would accept it. In fact, He did it knowing that I could full-out REJECT it or DENY it. But the small chance that I would accept it was worth the torture, torment, and humility that He inevitably had to endure in a human body on the cross. Whoa! No one will ever love me like that again! What an amazing gift!

Selah...

I do believe in love after all

Ok…yes…I know I’ve just sworn off marriage, but there’s something inside me that can’t give up completely. There HAS to be a good reason for getting married, and I think I may have found one. I fully realize the reason I’ve come up with may not be THE reason for getting married, but it’s the only reason I would get married. Mmkay? Let me try to explain.

I’ve explored 4 different reasons for getting married:

1.) it’s practical,

2.) being “in love” with a person,

3.) being in love with the idea of marriage, or

4.) the need to be fulfilled somehow.

Here are my “debunkments” (if that’s not a word, it should be. Someone call Webster right away!): getting married for practical reasons would be very disappointing because you’d be tied to someone that you might not even like FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE and the only thing you’d have in return is a little more financial stability…MAYBE.

Getting married because you’re “in love” will be a major disappointment the morning you wake up next to your hairy, stinky, tub-o-lard and realize that he hasn’t looked deeply into your eyes or bought you roses or taken you on a romantic date for years (Likewise, he might wake up next to his hairy, stinky, tub-o-lard and not remember the last time they had sex or the last time she laughed heartily at one of his jokes or a time when she didn’t give him a honey-do list every Saturday that there happens to be a very important game on TV).

Finally, getting married in order to feel whole will also prove a sore tragedy. I truly believe that wholeness comes from God alone, and to try to find that in a person is putting way too much of a burden on that person as well as the relationship.

After sorting through all these reasons and finding them all to have their shortcomings, I think I’ve finally found a good reason for getting married. It actually started when I got to thinking about why I go to church. To be perfectly honest, I go because I love the social aspect. I love going to a place where I can be with my friends and others, many of whom I have a connection with simply because we are brothers and sisters through Christ. There is something about fellowship with people who share Christ in common that revives me.

So, I took this idea of fellowship and ran with it (as I tend to do with all my little epiphanies). This idea of fellowship started with church and ended with home. But first, I had to ask myself what the most important thing in my life is, because whomever I marry will have to support that. For me, that’s my relationship with God. Next, how does fellowship encourage that? At church I’m encourged and lead in worship and reflection on my Creator. With my friends, I’m challenged to step up my faith walk and encouraged not to give up when things get hard. But what happens when I get home and I’m faced with the things that really clench and squeeze the life out of my soul and cause me to be less than what God created me to be? These are the things that are easy to bury and cover up for the few hours we spend each week with friends and acquaintances; these are the “unspoken” prayer requests at Bible study; these are the things we’ve buried so deep we hardly know anymore where the root is. This is where the role of a spouse comes in. A spouse—the person who knows you the best, who sees you at your worst, who knows what your life looks like when you’re Spirit is in turmoil and when it’s at rest—is much, much harder to hide these things from.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is this: if I get married, I will marry the one person who will dig for the root of sin that entangles me and distances me from God. He will call me out when my life isn’t reflecting God’s love. He will challenge my faith and encourage me to seek God first. I believe THIS is what tru love is about. And if this is what love is about, then I do believe in love after all.

Marriage is not for me!

I don’t believe marriage is for me anymore. I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t believe that kind of love, whatever it is, exists for me. I believe in the love family and friends have for each other. I believe in the type of love we have for our pets. And I certainly believe in the type of love I have for Papa John’s Garden veggie pizza!

The type of love I don’t believe in anymore is the type that is supposed to exist between a man and woman. I don’t believe it’s any different than any other type of love, and I don’t think marriage has any purpose besides practicality—money, sex, and children—don’t need it, don’t need it, don’t need it.

As far as the lovey-dovey, “I can’t live without you” stuff, I don’t trust it. It’s an illusion that makes you believe you’re with the person of your dreams so that you get married and end up being stuck with someone who, for the rest of your life, makes you feel average at best.
And if the marriage thing is about finding someone who takes care of you, I’ll have to pass. I don’t believe that anyone on earth could love me as much or more than I love myself. It’s IMPOSSIBLE for someone on earth to take care of me the way I can take care of myself. I have everything I need WITHOUT someone else. Plus, life is a heck of a lot less complicated when it’s just me. Why would I want to have to consider someone else every time I want to buy a pair of shoes or go out to dinner? And why would I want to have someone in my life to worry about? I have enough worries of my own; I don’t need to have someone else’s worries burdening me. It’s just all very unnecessary if you ask me.

I know how this all sounds: it sounds like someone who has been dumped. I’ll give a little on that one, but I think it’s what I’ve learned since then that has affected my point of view more than the actual act of being dumped. You see, I found out that I was waiting for the perfect guy to come into my life before I decided to take care of myself, but then I realized that I didn’t have to wait (I know…I’m a little slow). I started serving myself the way I would serve my family if I had one. I keep my house clean now and I plan, make, and serve myself dinner every night at the dinner table…and I never complain about what’s for dinner! I make sure that I’m at activities on time and I clip coupons. The only thing not in the equation is someone else to complicate things. I’m still complete and completely satisfied. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. In fact, I feel like I’d miss out on a whole lot more if I were married!

I don’t believe in love and marriage. You can tell me what it’s about all you want, but as long as it’s just talk, talk, talk, I will never believe it. The only way I can believe that having someone to share my life with is better than what I have now is if someone proves it.

Good luck…

Broken Hearts

A broken heart really is like nothing else. I'm almost positive it's about as close to death as you can be without actually being dead, and that's why most people avoid it. There are those that act like everything is just fine, and there are those that wear the broken heart on their sleeve. Then there are those like me...they die. I died...or at least I was as close to death as I could be without actually being dead...I slept as much as I could, I didn't eat, I went numb, I didn't feel or think, at times I even stopped breathing. My friends and co-workers said I even looked pale and lifeless. In fact, many people actually welcomed me back when I finally shook it!

So yeah, I loved hard knowing that if it failed, I would also fall hard....and I fell really hard...but only for a while. It happened last Monday night and I was beginning to live again by Wednesday afternoon. I don't know what happened really, but I guess I just embraced it.

I can't go back; I can only move forward.

I was fabulous when I was with someone and I'm fabulous without him!

And I can't say that I regret anything! I didn't get a friend out of the deal, but I got away with some other great things that I'm not sure I would have gained so quickly had I not met him. Through him, God taught me the value of gratitude, showed me a great example of servanthood, and most of all, helped me be less afraid of everyday life. So, if that was the purpose of having a great guy in my life only for a short period of time, then I have to say that walking with the pain for a while is worth walking with the gain forever.

Will someone please tell me....

WHAT WAS THE POINT?????????

Beginning to understand relationships?

For a while now I've been questioning what the point of relationships is. I've only recently begun to understand the purpose of friendships and even of aquaintanceships (is that a word?); but the guy-girl thing has been a complete mystery. However, I think that mystery is starting to unfold.

My friendships are valuable to me because they serve as outlets for me. They also give me a chance to practice First Corinthians 13 love. And lately, I've begun to see my friendships as another area in life in which to serve someone. The people I meet only once, and those people who I talk to occasionally at work or church give me a chance to build community and to serve. I've discovered lately that there is untold joy in serving others, no matter how small the act of service is--smiling at a stranger, saying hello to the outcast at work, asking a co-worker how their doctor's appointment went or how their kids are doing, allowing someone else to take the parking spot next to the door, opening the door for someone, etc etc etc. However, I could serve friends, aquaintances, and strangers all day but come home at night and somehow feel like I'm still missing something.

I love investing in other people's lives. I love to bring a smile to someone's face. I love spreading joy and hope and love and truth to those that I come in contact with. In return, I receive joy and purpose. But still something feels like it's missing. When I say that, though, I feel like I'm being selfish or ungrateful. Maybe I am, but I think I may also have begun to realize what the guy-girl relationship really means to me.

At the end of the day, I come home to an empty house, a list of chores (that do or do not have to be done since I'm the only one my mess affects), and my thoughts. Even though I have friends that I can hang out with or talk to any time, by nature, friends only invest so much into each others lives. A "significant other," by nature, has chosen to invest much deeper, more vulnerably, more raw and real into your life specifically.

My friendships and aquaintances have an overflowing influence in my life, but I'm still lonely. It is the one person whom I have chosen to invest my life in and who has chosen to invest their life in me that I believe can take that away.

Genesis 2:18

Proud

I ran my first 5K this morning! My goals were very very low:

Goal #1: Show up.
Goal #2: If you show up, run the race.
Goal #3: If you run the race, finish it.

I can be proud that I set and reached all my goals, but I probably should have set my sights a little higher, and I think I actually had some greater, unspoken expectations for myself because even though I reached all my goals I ended the race very disappointed in myself and sobbed the whole drive home. Why? Well, I totally psyched myself out...it began about 6 minutes into the race. Right before the race started, I began to feel like I had to pee. I thought it was just nerves and that it would go away...it didn't go away. So, I began thinking to myself, "It's COOL to pee your pants!" However, it was near freezing this morning, I knew that I would be totally miserable (not to mention humiliated) if I ran the race with wet pants. I mean, if you're a marathoner who is running in order to win, then it's totally acceptable to pee and/or poop your pants during a race--it's forgiveable and the prize money is a great consolation. However, if you are an every day runner running at the back of the pack who is just trying to prove to yourself that you can set a goal and stick to it, then it's not quite as acceptable. People would probably think I have mental problems (or perhaps bladder problems?). So 7 1/2 minutes after starting the race, I stopped at the school and used the restroom. After that, my positivity started diving..."Way to go. You're a failure. I can't believe you are going to come in last place just because you had to pee. I knew you would find some way to screw up." I tried to pick myself back up. Just as I was beginning to shrug off my pit-stop, I got a massive cramp in my side. I wasn't expecting this because I hardly ever get cramps when I run. It was so bad that I could hardly breathe...and I was less than two miles into the race. By the time the cramp went away, I was half mentally defeated and started to feel sorry for myself....no one was cheering me on, there would be no one to congratulate me at the end....just an enormous crowd of strangers.

Well, I finished the race. My body felt great at the end, but my mind was defeated. It wasn't until after I got home that I was able to pick myself up again. This really was NOT a big deal. Not something to get upset about. I entered the race for the experience only...and I got some experience, learned some lessons, and reached my goals. On top of that, I looked up my time online when I got back and found out that I clocked 36:34...and that's with having to go off course and take a pit-stop (plus, I took the time to wash my hands). I'm guessing that whole deal cost me about 7 minutes. If indeed it was 7 minutes, then I ran my fastest pace to date this morning!

Here's some things I learned:

1.) Have someone there to support you, whether they are on the side cheering you on or actually running with you.
2.) Go to the bathroom right before the race starts whether you feel like you have to go or not.
3.) Prepare mentally as much as you do physically.

Hopefully with these things in mind, I will be able to run a better 5K next month!