Ok. I'm back again and I'm a little more *eh hem* sane this time.
I've decided to just accept the way I feel, yet continue to make right choices. This way, I don't have to continue being an "either/or" person--that person that overanalyzes every decision or feeling, and never feels settled or has closure.
For way too long, I've told myself to either think or feel; either dive in completely, or pretend it doesn't exist; either be the best, or don't try at all. Over the last year or so, I've been trying to be more balanced in my approach to life. This new guy in my life is forcing me to actually BE balanced instead of just thinking about it. My initial struggle in this situation was either bag the year-long commitment, or bag the guy. I didn't want to decide either way, so I tried to make the decision his. I tried to scare him away. I told him he would have to wait 5 months before I could go on a date with him; he said he'd wait a year if he had to. I told him I have an anxiety disorder; he said he wants to help me through it. I told him I would be testing him; he told me to test away! I told him I was trying to scare him away; he said I'd have to try harder. Before him, I either took the hardest approach to an event in my life or the easiest. With him, I'm realizing that one event in life can be a combination of struggle and ease in order to come to pleasant conclusion. It's a struggle to wait 4 more months to share my heart and my life with him, but the price we pay now will be worth the friendship and trust we will build over this time.
Anyway, I hadn't actually planned on sitting down and writing about him. My original idea really seems quite trivial now...boring actually...but on I go! My plans for this evening:
-Be lazy.
-Do not get in comfortable clothes. Get comfortable in the clothes you're in.
-Slam a couple Cokes.
-Eat a Little Ceasar's Hot-N-Ready pizza. (Incidentally, it was hot, but not ready, which is unfortunate since I was really hungry and wanted it fast, but then when I got it home, it was too hot to eat right away, so I had to wait even longer before partaking. I'm going to market the new "Cooled-off-N-Ready" pizza).
-Soak in a hot bath like a beached whale (Hm...I guess that doesn't make much sense, but, oh well, that leads me to the next thing on the list...
-Don't hit "backspace." Go with the flow).
-Curl up with the puppy and read a good book.
-Play guitar (This has been on the list almost every day for the last 6 years and has yet to happen. Very sad, indeed. I used to love playing).
-Write a blog (check!)
-Put off grocery shopping and cleaning the house until tomorrow (check!)
-Make two lists: what I need at the store and what I can afford at the store.
And there you have it! The ordinary Friday night of an introverted bachelorette and her scared-stiff puppy dog.
It's a'ight. I'm diggin' it...
Friday, January 23, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Frantic
I've been feeling too much and thinking way too much to stay calm anymore, so this is going to be almost completely stream of consciousness hubbub for the next few minutes. The only way I can console myself right now is to "blah" and keep "blahing" until this goes away.
Feeling? Feeling what? Love, or something like it?? More likely, I'm enamoured. I'm completely swept off my feet. All this "feeling" while my brain is telling me that it is impossible that he is so great, that I could know (or think I know?) that he's perfect for me after only a month. This all must be a joke. When I look back at my "list" *check check check* it's all there! How can that be?? I'm an optimist when things are going badly, but when things are good, like really good, like this, I'm a total pessimist. I'm waiting for something to hit the fan. I'm just waiting for it all to crumble into a million tiny pieces. But seriously, it's like I went to the "Build-A-Mate" store and customized a mate for myself. Is this a total blessing from God, or a cruel joke?
By the way, remember that snide blog about finding Superman?? Well, his middle name is "Clark." Cruel! Cruel! Cruel!
*breathe*
Ok...I don't really feel much better. Rachel, call me.
Feeling? Feeling what? Love, or something like it?? More likely, I'm enamoured. I'm completely swept off my feet. All this "feeling" while my brain is telling me that it is impossible that he is so great, that I could know (or think I know?) that he's perfect for me after only a month. This all must be a joke. When I look back at my "list" *check check check* it's all there! How can that be?? I'm an optimist when things are going badly, but when things are good, like really good, like this, I'm a total pessimist. I'm waiting for something to hit the fan. I'm just waiting for it all to crumble into a million tiny pieces. But seriously, it's like I went to the "Build-A-Mate" store and customized a mate for myself. Is this a total blessing from God, or a cruel joke?
By the way, remember that snide blog about finding Superman?? Well, his middle name is "Clark." Cruel! Cruel! Cruel!
*breathe*
Ok...I don't really feel much better. Rachel, call me.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Mr. Right
Waiting is easy until you find what you’re waiting for…
Nearly 7 months ago, I declared that I would be single for a year. I was determined to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT. If a guy I thought was “Mr. Right” came along, he would have to wait (see entry from June called “Single for a Year”). There’s a part of me that knew someone would come along during the year that would make me want to try to wriggle myself out of this commitment. I was right.
So far he’s everything I want and need in a guy. And whether it’s God’s fulfillment of my heart’s desire or it’s a trick of the devil, he even has all the unimportant things I wanted in a guy, but didn’t require – drives a pick-up, was in the Air Force, is handy, can cook, clean, and do laundry, and is extremely...(how should I put this?)…well, he gives Brad Pitt a run for his money. And here’s the kicker…I told him about my commitment to being single for a year and he said he would wait for me—5 months, 1 year, however long I need! He seems too good to be true. Mom always said, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
Right?
So, I have my guard WAY up.
I WILL FULFILL THE COMMITMENT I MADE TO GOD AND TO MYSELF!
I WILL NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING.
Although I have nothing to base this on, I doubt he’ll be around in 5 months. But I have to trust that God knew this guy would come along before my commitment was up. Maybe this guy is just a test…or maybe he’s…………...NO! I have to remind myself that I’ve thought that about every decent guy that has come along, and so far I’ve been wrong 100% of the time! I guess the only thing I know for sure is that I don’t know anything…
…and that I must keep waiting…
Nearly 7 months ago, I declared that I would be single for a year. I was determined to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT. If a guy I thought was “Mr. Right” came along, he would have to wait (see entry from June called “Single for a Year”). There’s a part of me that knew someone would come along during the year that would make me want to try to wriggle myself out of this commitment. I was right.
So far he’s everything I want and need in a guy. And whether it’s God’s fulfillment of my heart’s desire or it’s a trick of the devil, he even has all the unimportant things I wanted in a guy, but didn’t require – drives a pick-up, was in the Air Force, is handy, can cook, clean, and do laundry, and is extremely...(how should I put this?)…well, he gives Brad Pitt a run for his money. And here’s the kicker…I told him about my commitment to being single for a year and he said he would wait for me—5 months, 1 year, however long I need! He seems too good to be true. Mom always said, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
Right?
So, I have my guard WAY up.
I WILL FULFILL THE COMMITMENT I MADE TO GOD AND TO MYSELF!
I WILL NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING.
Although I have nothing to base this on, I doubt he’ll be around in 5 months. But I have to trust that God knew this guy would come along before my commitment was up. Maybe this guy is just a test…or maybe he’s…………...NO! I have to remind myself that I’ve thought that about every decent guy that has come along, and so far I’ve been wrong 100% of the time! I guess the only thing I know for sure is that I don’t know anything…
…and that I must keep waiting…
Friday, January 2, 2009
Of course '09 will suck, but...
I'm not gonna lie; 2008 had some really bad moments--bad break-up, bad housing market, bad panic attack. The irony of it all is that the things that sucked in '08 are the same things that rocked about '08. The break-up led to lessons in forgiveness, the bad housing market led to lessons in contentment, and the panic attacks and anxiety led to a lesson in letting go of control.
All in all, 2008 was a great year for me! That's why 2009 is not about ridding myself of the old and starting afresh. It's about continuing to grow in the wisdom that 2008 brought. I don't think I'll be at all surprised by anything in the New Year. Of course, 2009 will suck just like 2008 did, but I'm positive that as a redeemed child of God, the bad, the difficult, the dreaded, the horrific, and all the terrifying moments that await me in 2009 will be redeemed by God's goodness.
Happy New Year!
All in all, 2008 was a great year for me! That's why 2009 is not about ridding myself of the old and starting afresh. It's about continuing to grow in the wisdom that 2008 brought. I don't think I'll be at all surprised by anything in the New Year. Of course, 2009 will suck just like 2008 did, but I'm positive that as a redeemed child of God, the bad, the difficult, the dreaded, the horrific, and all the terrifying moments that await me in 2009 will be redeemed by God's goodness.
Happy New Year!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Waiting for Superman
So, I've been snowed in pretty much since Friday. It's cold, snowy, but also quite peaceful (when I'm not digging myself out of 3 feet of snow every 2 hours). Being snowed in with a dog and no human contact has refreshed my "loner" side. I've actually enjoyed being alone; I've really enjoyed doing nothing! In fact, I've come to realize that if I had the choice between going out and hanging out with a bunch of people or staying home by myself and watching a movie or reading a book, about 99% of the time, I would rather stay home.
But I'm confused. Just a few months back, I wanted to always be doing something. I loved having a busy schedule. Meeting new people and hanging out late on a "school night" was fun and refreshing. Oddly enough, at that time, I took a personality test that showed I was introverted--"Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving," to be exact, and I thought "No way! I'm not introverted by any means." Well, it has caught up with me. It started with grunting and groaning to get myself out of the house. Gradually, I began to find that being busy 5 out of 7 nights a week exhausted me. Then I started finding ways to get out of leaving the house. Now I'm perfectly comfortable loafing in front of the TV at night with just my dog. Of course, while I sit here by myself in this cold house, not having spoken a vocal word to anyone in over 24 hours, yet still longing to have a good conversation with someone who is close to me, I wonder what kind of personality my future (if existent) husband should have. Should he be introverted, like me, so that I won't be forced out of the house when I don't want to be? Or should he be extroverted, so that I don't become a bored recluse? I guess I should fall back on past experience to answer this question. Here's the answer: I was formerly engaged to a fellow introvert. Formerly engaged. I don't think I can handle a relationship with someone who also would rather stay in 99% of the time because it's only when I'm trapped inside with one other person for a long period of time that I want to go out. But when I go out, I want that person to be with me. Anyway, this introvert-introvert combination did not work for me.
So, what kind of guy would best suit me? The answer, according to Facebook (and we all know that Facebook quizzes reveal the quintessence of who we really are), is Superman. Yes, Superman. Gee, that shouldn't be too difficult! Talk about setting the bar high. I guess once I start dating again, I will have to check them off the list if they can't fly me across the continent, or leap tall buildings, and especially if they can't wear tights, a cape, and underwear and look absolutely fabulous!
I won't get my hopes up.
But I'm confused. Just a few months back, I wanted to always be doing something. I loved having a busy schedule. Meeting new people and hanging out late on a "school night" was fun and refreshing. Oddly enough, at that time, I took a personality test that showed I was introverted--"Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving," to be exact, and I thought "No way! I'm not introverted by any means." Well, it has caught up with me. It started with grunting and groaning to get myself out of the house. Gradually, I began to find that being busy 5 out of 7 nights a week exhausted me. Then I started finding ways to get out of leaving the house. Now I'm perfectly comfortable loafing in front of the TV at night with just my dog. Of course, while I sit here by myself in this cold house, not having spoken a vocal word to anyone in over 24 hours, yet still longing to have a good conversation with someone who is close to me, I wonder what kind of personality my future (if existent) husband should have. Should he be introverted, like me, so that I won't be forced out of the house when I don't want to be? Or should he be extroverted, so that I don't become a bored recluse? I guess I should fall back on past experience to answer this question. Here's the answer: I was formerly engaged to a fellow introvert. Formerly engaged. I don't think I can handle a relationship with someone who also would rather stay in 99% of the time because it's only when I'm trapped inside with one other person for a long period of time that I want to go out. But when I go out, I want that person to be with me. Anyway, this introvert-introvert combination did not work for me.
So, what kind of guy would best suit me? The answer, according to Facebook (and we all know that Facebook quizzes reveal the quintessence of who we really are), is Superman. Yes, Superman. Gee, that shouldn't be too difficult! Talk about setting the bar high. I guess once I start dating again, I will have to check them off the list if they can't fly me across the continent, or leap tall buildings, and especially if they can't wear tights, a cape, and underwear and look absolutely fabulous!
I won't get my hopes up.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Lessons
Lesson 1: If something has been in the refrigerator for almost a year, it is not necessary to open the container and smell it to see if it is throw away-able. I mean, seriously, even if it didn't smell like a turd covered in burnt hair, am I really going to eat something that has been in there for so long? Me thinks "no."
Lesson 2: If you clean out all the old smelly "food" from the fridge, and the fridge is empty when you are done, it may be time to go grocery shopping.
Lesson 3: If hanging out with people too many nights in a row is exhausting, it is probably best not to get a roommate.
Lesson 4: Sometimes telling someone how you feel about them eliminates the feeling altogether.
Lesson 5: Empathy to the degree that you vicariously feel the pain someone else feels really sucks.
Lesson 6: When I become too comfortable, I know it's a good time to remember a bad time. This way I remember why I'm thankful.
Lesson 7: Guys are trouble. Especially incredibly good-looking, strong, rustic, sweet, confident, interesting, funny ones that can turn an entirely crappy week into a great week in a matter of minutes... *sigh*
Lesson 8: The most important role in life is that of a character in God's story.
Lesson 2: If you clean out all the old smelly "food" from the fridge, and the fridge is empty when you are done, it may be time to go grocery shopping.
Lesson 3: If hanging out with people too many nights in a row is exhausting, it is probably best not to get a roommate.
Lesson 4: Sometimes telling someone how you feel about them eliminates the feeling altogether.
Lesson 5: Empathy to the degree that you vicariously feel the pain someone else feels really sucks.
Lesson 6: When I become too comfortable, I know it's a good time to remember a bad time. This way I remember why I'm thankful.
Lesson 7: Guys are trouble. Especially incredibly good-looking, strong, rustic, sweet, confident, interesting, funny ones that can turn an entirely crappy week into a great week in a matter of minutes... *sigh*
Lesson 8: The most important role in life is that of a character in God's story.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Truth in Simplicity
Life is complicated without us complicating it, yet for some reason we seem to be drawn toward complicating everything!
I caught a glimpse of the news this morning just as I was headed out to run. The story was about this whole deal with legalizing gay marriage. Some people were angry, some were "cautiously optimistic" about the eventual legalization of gay marriage.
I read a Newsweek article online today that defended gay marriage using the Bible. (Incidentally, two authors were needed to come up with enough BS to complete the article!)
I had a discussion with a group of people tonight about heaven, pre-, post-, and omni-milleniallism (sp?), spirit, soul, and body and what we are in heaven, yada yada yada.
I pushed someone's buttons about tax policy just because I knew it would stir him up (sorry your facebook was the soapbox, Aunt Linda :) ).
I have opinions about all these things, some strong, some vulnerable. To be honest, the only thing I got out of watching the news, reading the article, discussing theology, and questioning politics is confirmation that God is who he says he is. God IS. That's all that matters.
...pretty simple, huh?
I caught a glimpse of the news this morning just as I was headed out to run. The story was about this whole deal with legalizing gay marriage. Some people were angry, some were "cautiously optimistic" about the eventual legalization of gay marriage.
I read a Newsweek article online today that defended gay marriage using the Bible. (Incidentally, two authors were needed to come up with enough BS to complete the article!)
I had a discussion with a group of people tonight about heaven, pre-, post-, and omni-milleniallism (sp?), spirit, soul, and body and what we are in heaven, yada yada yada.
I pushed someone's buttons about tax policy just because I knew it would stir him up (sorry your facebook was the soapbox, Aunt Linda :) ).
I have opinions about all these things, some strong, some vulnerable. To be honest, the only thing I got out of watching the news, reading the article, discussing theology, and questioning politics is confirmation that God is who he says he is. God IS. That's all that matters.
...pretty simple, huh?
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Advent Conspiracy
I saw this at Lifeline tonight. I thought it was pretty darn cool. Take a look. It's only 2 minutes.
Abundant Life
I love this verse from John.
John 10:10
"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)."
After I read this verse, I have to ask myself if I'm living an abundant life. For the most part, I'm enjoying my life. Last year was the first time in my life I can remember actually being happy to be alive. But am I living it in abundance, to the full, until it overflows?? Jesus said that he came to give me that kind of life, so I believe that to be true. But if I'm honest with myself, I would have to say that right now I'm not living an abundant life.
Of course, I also have to ask myself what an abundant life looks like for me. Abundant life is not getting everything I want and never having anything bad happen to me. In fact, I feel like the most abundance has come through hardship. So, I think abundant life simply means trusting God. It means accepting that bad or even annoying things will happen, like having anxiety every time I leave the house, gaining weight, being single for the rest of my life, losing my health, losing someone I love, or losing everything I own, but knowing--body, mind, and soul--that somehow God can make abundance from brokenness.
Right now my life appears to be ok. I'm going through the motions. I go where I'm expected to be. I push myself to go places and do things even when I'm afraid to leave the house. But when I go out and I'm scared to death and I'm around a lot of people, I check out. Physically I'm there, and something inside me (soul?) wants to break out and enjoy the people around me and every sight, sound, and smell, but some other part of me (mind) has locked myself inside myself. It's like for the last however many years, I've only seen everything through a screen of anxiety. Everything even appears to be a shade of gray....
I'm not living an abundant life, but I know that I can. I know that I need to trust God more. There are some things I have no problem trusting him with. I can trust him when my heart is broken and I can trust him when I have no money and no food in refrigerator because I've been in these situations and he has reformed the broken pieces. But how do I trust him with a fear that has infiltrated EVERY part of my life? Even trust?
I don't know how it will happen, but I'm determined to live an abundant life.
John 10:10
"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)."
After I read this verse, I have to ask myself if I'm living an abundant life. For the most part, I'm enjoying my life. Last year was the first time in my life I can remember actually being happy to be alive. But am I living it in abundance, to the full, until it overflows?? Jesus said that he came to give me that kind of life, so I believe that to be true. But if I'm honest with myself, I would have to say that right now I'm not living an abundant life.Of course, I also have to ask myself what an abundant life looks like for me. Abundant life is not getting everything I want and never having anything bad happen to me. In fact, I feel like the most abundance has come through hardship. So, I think abundant life simply means trusting God. It means accepting that bad or even annoying things will happen, like having anxiety every time I leave the house, gaining weight, being single for the rest of my life, losing my health, losing someone I love, or losing everything I own, but knowing--body, mind, and soul--that somehow God can make abundance from brokenness.
Right now my life appears to be ok. I'm going through the motions. I go where I'm expected to be. I push myself to go places and do things even when I'm afraid to leave the house. But when I go out and I'm scared to death and I'm around a lot of people, I check out. Physically I'm there, and something inside me (soul?) wants to break out and enjoy the people around me and every sight, sound, and smell, but some other part of me (mind) has locked myself inside myself. It's like for the last however many years, I've only seen everything through a screen of anxiety. Everything even appears to be a shade of gray....I'm not living an abundant life, but I know that I can. I know that I need to trust God more. There are some things I have no problem trusting him with. I can trust him when my heart is broken and I can trust him when I have no money and no food in refrigerator because I've been in these situations and he has reformed the broken pieces. But how do I trust him with a fear that has infiltrated EVERY part of my life? Even trust?I don't know how it will happen, but I'm determined to live an abundant life.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Soul with a mind, living in a body
I am a soul that has a mind and walks around in a body....
I've had to remind myself of this over and over again in the past few weeks. For so many months, I was on such a spiritual high that I didn't really care about all the dumb (but completely normal) stuff I used to care about like my weight, the way I looked, relationships with guys, etc. My focus was on God and doing what He wants me to do. I guess it all started to come back when I started to feel comfortable...like I have a "niche." Now all that old stuff is back.
I'm tempted to say that's just "normal," but I'm not comfortable calling that normal for me as a Jesus follower. In his book The Green Letters, Miles Stanford quotes J.E. Conant who said, "Christian living is not our living with Christ's help, it is Christ living His life in us." Stanford follows up by quoting Paul in the book of Philippians where he said, "For to me to live is Christ" and, "I can do all things through Christ." The way I understand it is this: First of all, my life is only a part of God's story, it's not MY story. Secondly, I am a human made of flesh, so obviously I will have these feelings and desires and disappointments, but my true self, me as a new creation, is Christ in me, or my soul. My soul is the only TRULY living part of me and it's the only thing that will continue to live. All the other cares will pass away. But even knowing that doesn't make the other crap go away because I'm still a dag-gum human being! All this brings me to the unfortunate conclusion that I have to stop avoiding negativity at all costs and learn how to deal with it as a soul instead of as flesh. For instance, I've gained 10 pounds since July. The flesh part of me feels horrible and thinks I'm not attractive anymore and will sacrifice my health to lose the weight. The soul part of me, the true part of me, wants to be healthy, delights that God made me just the way he wants me to be and that He thinks I'm beautiful and that's all that matters. Now the question is: How do I get my brain on the soul side? It was effortless when I was on a spiritual high, but how do I do that now that the vacation is over? The Bible says, "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind," but how do I do that?
There's a lot here to puzzle myself over, but knowing that my new self is Christ in me, I know that I don't have to be deceived into believing that anything else truly matters except God's story.
I am a soul that has a mind and walks around in a body.
I've had to remind myself of this over and over again in the past few weeks. For so many months, I was on such a spiritual high that I didn't really care about all the dumb (but completely normal) stuff I used to care about like my weight, the way I looked, relationships with guys, etc. My focus was on God and doing what He wants me to do. I guess it all started to come back when I started to feel comfortable...like I have a "niche." Now all that old stuff is back.
I'm tempted to say that's just "normal," but I'm not comfortable calling that normal for me as a Jesus follower. In his book The Green Letters, Miles Stanford quotes J.E. Conant who said, "Christian living is not our living with Christ's help, it is Christ living His life in us." Stanford follows up by quoting Paul in the book of Philippians where he said, "For to me to live is Christ" and, "I can do all things through Christ." The way I understand it is this: First of all, my life is only a part of God's story, it's not MY story. Secondly, I am a human made of flesh, so obviously I will have these feelings and desires and disappointments, but my true self, me as a new creation, is Christ in me, or my soul. My soul is the only TRULY living part of me and it's the only thing that will continue to live. All the other cares will pass away. But even knowing that doesn't make the other crap go away because I'm still a dag-gum human being! All this brings me to the unfortunate conclusion that I have to stop avoiding negativity at all costs and learn how to deal with it as a soul instead of as flesh. For instance, I've gained 10 pounds since July. The flesh part of me feels horrible and thinks I'm not attractive anymore and will sacrifice my health to lose the weight. The soul part of me, the true part of me, wants to be healthy, delights that God made me just the way he wants me to be and that He thinks I'm beautiful and that's all that matters. Now the question is: How do I get my brain on the soul side? It was effortless when I was on a spiritual high, but how do I do that now that the vacation is over? The Bible says, "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind," but how do I do that?
There's a lot here to puzzle myself over, but knowing that my new self is Christ in me, I know that I don't have to be deceived into believing that anything else truly matters except God's story.
I am a soul that has a mind and walks around in a body.
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