1.) Driving
2.) Stores
3.) Eating at a restaurant
4.) Having a one-on-one conversation
5.) Feeling trapped
6.) Throwing up
7.) Feeling sick
8.) Feeling "off"
9.) Fear
10.) Attention
11.) Taking a walk far from home
12.) Long trips in the car
13.) Being stuck in traffic
14.) Standing in long lines
15.) Flying in an airplane
16.) Being on a train
17.) The thought that I will never be normal again
Things I am not afraid of:
1.) Dying
2.) Nearly being in an accident
3.) Not having enough money
4.) Riding a motorcycle
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Mysterious Love
I have sat down to write a few times in the last couple of days, but it's always so hard to get started because there's a lot to talk to about and no really good way of saying it. In short, the last month has been one of the most difficult, strange, exciting times of my entire life. Yes, without a doubt!
Since there's a lot to talk about I'm just going to choose one topic for now: Tom. I realize that we've grossed out just about everyone with how in love we are, but I can't feel bad about that; it has come at a great cost. I am completely humbled by the strength and unconditional love he has shown to me in the last five months. He has seen me have panic attacks, he has heard me say discouraging things, he held my hand when I tried to puke. If that wasn't enough, when I told him during a panic attack that I was going to poop my pants, he reassured me that that was ok and he would get me some clean clothes. Despite my momentary insanity and utter repulsiveness, not a day goes by that he doesn't remind me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. From the beginning, I decided that I would lay out all my faults and weaknesses in front of him so he would know what he was getting into. At first, I thought I could scare him away, but this guy cannot be moved! In fact, I'm convinced that he loves me even more with each weakness that surfaces. This has spoken volumes to me about God's love for me.
Before I met Tom, people always got to know me from the outside in. This inevitably led to increasing anxiety that with each passing day they were coming closer and closer to the "real" me. To myself at that time, I was my imperfections. It was shortly before I met Tom that I decided I would not be that way anymore, and I began to see myself the way God sees me. Even though I didn't know it at the time, I had only touched the surface right before I met Tom. When I was single and learning these things, i focused on my strengths and didn't touch the icky, risky to deal with, weaknesses. But having someone else in my life that is effected by my weaknesses, whether I acknowledge them or not, has required that I deal with them. Perhaps even more importantly, it requires that I believe I am not defined by my weaknesses. And even more importantly, it requires that I believe he loves me for who I truly am. I can't understand why he loves me, I just have to accept that he does. This has taught me volumes about God's perfect love for me because the closer Tom and I grow, the more challenged I am to see myself the way God truly sees me. God sees my weaknesses, he knows my anxious thoughts, he knows my desires (good and evil), and even though they are very much contrary to His word, he still loves me. I have tried to wonder why or how God can love with such love. Here's the best answer I can come up with: it is, and will always be, a mystery. God requires nothing from me, except that I believe him (John 6:29). So often I believe that my weaknesses will cause Tom to love me less. But when I shove that lie aside and just delight in the fact that he loves me for who I am, he delights in that! Likewise, God delights in me when I trust His word (Hebrews 10:38) and when I put value on our relationship rather than on how I need to be "better" (Hosea 6:6).
In short, I am so thankful for my relationship with God and my relationship with Tom. They both give me something I'm not sure I would have on my own. My relationship with God teaches me about my relationship with Tom, and my relationship with Tom teaches me about my relationship with God. Amazing! Thank you, Daddy, for putting Tom in my life to reflect your love for me!
Since there's a lot to talk about I'm just going to choose one topic for now: Tom. I realize that we've grossed out just about everyone with how in love we are, but I can't feel bad about that; it has come at a great cost. I am completely humbled by the strength and unconditional love he has shown to me in the last five months. He has seen me have panic attacks, he has heard me say discouraging things, he held my hand when I tried to puke. If that wasn't enough, when I told him during a panic attack that I was going to poop my pants, he reassured me that that was ok and he would get me some clean clothes. Despite my momentary insanity and utter repulsiveness, not a day goes by that he doesn't remind me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. From the beginning, I decided that I would lay out all my faults and weaknesses in front of him so he would know what he was getting into. At first, I thought I could scare him away, but this guy cannot be moved! In fact, I'm convinced that he loves me even more with each weakness that surfaces. This has spoken volumes to me about God's love for me.
Before I met Tom, people always got to know me from the outside in. This inevitably led to increasing anxiety that with each passing day they were coming closer and closer to the "real" me. To myself at that time, I was my imperfections. It was shortly before I met Tom that I decided I would not be that way anymore, and I began to see myself the way God sees me. Even though I didn't know it at the time, I had only touched the surface right before I met Tom. When I was single and learning these things, i focused on my strengths and didn't touch the icky, risky to deal with, weaknesses. But having someone else in my life that is effected by my weaknesses, whether I acknowledge them or not, has required that I deal with them. Perhaps even more importantly, it requires that I believe I am not defined by my weaknesses. And even more importantly, it requires that I believe he loves me for who I truly am. I can't understand why he loves me, I just have to accept that he does. This has taught me volumes about God's perfect love for me because the closer Tom and I grow, the more challenged I am to see myself the way God truly sees me. God sees my weaknesses, he knows my anxious thoughts, he knows my desires (good and evil), and even though they are very much contrary to His word, he still loves me. I have tried to wonder why or how God can love with such love. Here's the best answer I can come up with: it is, and will always be, a mystery. God requires nothing from me, except that I believe him (John 6:29). So often I believe that my weaknesses will cause Tom to love me less. But when I shove that lie aside and just delight in the fact that he loves me for who I am, he delights in that! Likewise, God delights in me when I trust His word (Hebrews 10:38) and when I put value on our relationship rather than on how I need to be "better" (Hosea 6:6).
In short, I am so thankful for my relationship with God and my relationship with Tom. They both give me something I'm not sure I would have on my own. My relationship with God teaches me about my relationship with Tom, and my relationship with Tom teaches me about my relationship with God. Amazing! Thank you, Daddy, for putting Tom in my life to reflect your love for me!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Progress
It doesn't come as a huge surprise to me that I didn't get out of the house and drive down the Beltline on Friday like I said I would. After having the amount of anxiety I had on Friday driving to meet a friend for lunch, it was not likely that I would get back in my car that same day. However, that would have been the best thing to do. But no more excuses! I refuse to live for this anxiety any longer.
Accomplishments:
Saturday I went to lunch in downtown Rockford with Tom and his parents and my parents. I was feeling quite anxious before we left, so simply leaving the house was an accomplishment in and of itself. Once we got there, though, I had to stay in the car until I could catch my breath. After a while, I was able to go into the restaurant and sit down for a while. I ordered food but didn't think I could sit there and eat it, so I asked for it in a to-go box. Things were going well until I spotted some tea bags across the room and thought about ordering some chamomile, but my mind started racing, "If I order the tea, then I have to sit here and finish it. I'll have no escape. What if I can't finish it? Then I will have wasted money on perfectly good tea. That would be a horrible thing to do...." That's when I began to get really anxious and I had to leave. I'm beginning to notice a pattern with my anxiety: when I give myself outlets it gets worse. I'm guessing this is because I'm giving in. I'm basically saying, "Yes, anxiety, you are right; there is no possible way I can handle this situation, so before I even try to handle it, I'm going to give you control." Scary.
Anyway, the accomplishments didn't end with entering and sitting down in the restaurant. We decided to walk around downtown. All I wanted to do after lunch was head back to Tom's apartment (a "safe zone"). I forced myself to sit and breathe for 5 minutes and gave myself permission to go home if I wasn't doing better after 5 minutes. Before the 5 minutes was up, I lost track of time and began walking. I ended up staying out 45 minutes after I decided couldn't handle it!
Sunday was a series of successes! I went out to Panera with Tom and our families, sat in the restaurant, and ate! After lunch I went to Lowe's and didn't have to escape. I even used the bathroom there! Then we went grocery shopping. Had a little anxiety while we were grocery shopping, but not until we were almost done and ready to leave anyway. For dinner, we went to Famous Dave's. I lasted almost the entire time. I ordered, ate, and then fled about 20 minutes before everyone else was done. Slight setback, but not too bad.
Yesterday was the biggest accomplishment so far. Yesterday I drove about 12 miles to get to an appointment. I had a significant amount of anxiety traveling both ways, but I managed it by keeping my breathing under control.
Today I drove 12 miles. I'm not sure how many of those were on the Beltline, but I drove to Fulton and back home. My hands and face started to tingle before I got to Fulton and they were still tingling when I got back home, but I managed that by taking deep breaths and by slowing all my physical reactions. I also tried to keep my fidgeting under control, which seemed to help.
I have a new reason to tackle this anxiety head on...I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! October 24th is the big day and I want to enjoy it. I don't want to worry about having a panic attack while I'm saying my vows (I can imagine people might think I'm not being very sincere if I'm freaking out while making my vows...).
New goal: I'm going to leave the house every day at 12 noon, whether it is to go for a drive or walk...no matter how I'm feeling.
I will heal from this!
Accomplishments:
Saturday I went to lunch in downtown Rockford with Tom and his parents and my parents. I was feeling quite anxious before we left, so simply leaving the house was an accomplishment in and of itself. Once we got there, though, I had to stay in the car until I could catch my breath. After a while, I was able to go into the restaurant and sit down for a while. I ordered food but didn't think I could sit there and eat it, so I asked for it in a to-go box. Things were going well until I spotted some tea bags across the room and thought about ordering some chamomile, but my mind started racing, "If I order the tea, then I have to sit here and finish it. I'll have no escape. What if I can't finish it? Then I will have wasted money on perfectly good tea. That would be a horrible thing to do...." That's when I began to get really anxious and I had to leave. I'm beginning to notice a pattern with my anxiety: when I give myself outlets it gets worse. I'm guessing this is because I'm giving in. I'm basically saying, "Yes, anxiety, you are right; there is no possible way I can handle this situation, so before I even try to handle it, I'm going to give you control." Scary.
Anyway, the accomplishments didn't end with entering and sitting down in the restaurant. We decided to walk around downtown. All I wanted to do after lunch was head back to Tom's apartment (a "safe zone"). I forced myself to sit and breathe for 5 minutes and gave myself permission to go home if I wasn't doing better after 5 minutes. Before the 5 minutes was up, I lost track of time and began walking. I ended up staying out 45 minutes after I decided couldn't handle it!
Sunday was a series of successes! I went out to Panera with Tom and our families, sat in the restaurant, and ate! After lunch I went to Lowe's and didn't have to escape. I even used the bathroom there! Then we went grocery shopping. Had a little anxiety while we were grocery shopping, but not until we were almost done and ready to leave anyway. For dinner, we went to Famous Dave's. I lasted almost the entire time. I ordered, ate, and then fled about 20 minutes before everyone else was done. Slight setback, but not too bad.
Yesterday was the biggest accomplishment so far. Yesterday I drove about 12 miles to get to an appointment. I had a significant amount of anxiety traveling both ways, but I managed it by keeping my breathing under control.
Today I drove 12 miles. I'm not sure how many of those were on the Beltline, but I drove to Fulton and back home. My hands and face started to tingle before I got to Fulton and they were still tingling when I got back home, but I managed that by taking deep breaths and by slowing all my physical reactions. I also tried to keep my fidgeting under control, which seemed to help.
I have a new reason to tackle this anxiety head on...I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! October 24th is the big day and I want to enjoy it. I don't want to worry about having a panic attack while I'm saying my vows (I can imagine people might think I'm not being very sincere if I'm freaking out while making my vows...).
New goal: I'm going to leave the house every day at 12 noon, whether it is to go for a drive or walk...no matter how I'm feeling.
I will heal from this!
Friday, August 28, 2009
Sending Panic to Hell
I was on my way to meet a friend for lunch today. I felt fine when I left, but the more I drove, the more my mind raced:
"Whatifyouhaveapanicattackonthedrivethere?Wherewillyoupullover?Whatif someoneseesyouhavingapanicattack?Thatwouldbeembarrassing.Thenyouwouldhavetothrowup.Orwhatifyoupoopedorpeedyourpants?Youcan'thandlethis.Youhavetoturnaroundandbebackwhereit'ssafe.Butwhatifyouturnaroundandyou haveapanicattackonthewaybackhome?Thenyou'llbestuckandnoonecancomeandsaveyou.Youshouldn'thavetohavesomeonetocometoyourrescue;youshouldbeabletodothisalone.Whatifyoufindajob?Howwillyoumakeittoworkeachdayifyoucan'tevendrive7milesawayfromhome?You'renevergoingtogetthroughthis.Itwouldbebettertodiethantohavetolivewiththistherestofyourlife.You'reuselesstosocietyifthiskeepshappening...."
About 5 minutes after getting back to my house, I was completely fine. My hands and face weren't tingling anymore, my breathing was calm again, but my mind was still racing: "You'll never be able to leave the house again. What are you going to do when Lifeline starts up again? What will you do when you're needed at Most High? You're an invalid."
I sat on my couch and began to cry, thinking that I have been defeated for good. There was a part of me that wanted to just give up and be sad and put my entire life on hold and check into a mental ward, but there was also a part of me that knew that, as tired of dealing with this as I am, I still need to fight. I've been reading the Psalms quite often lately, and I think that if I were a Bible character, I would be David. David was sometimes paralyzed with fear (Psalm 143:4). David also never gave up; he continued to fight. He trusted in God as his refuge. I know that's what I need to do, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how to do that. I'm going to keep a daily (or as close to daily as I can get) log outlining how I'm approaching healing from anxiety and panic attacks. Maybe throughout this process, I'll learn how I'm trusting God as well as how I'm not trusting Him.
Today I'm starting by claiming Isaiah 41:10-12 [Amp]:
"Whatifyouhaveapanicattackonthedrivethere?Wherewillyoupullover?Whatif someoneseesyouhavingapanicattack?Thatwouldbeembarrassing.Thenyouwouldhavetothrowup.Orwhatifyoupoopedorpeedyourpants?Youcan'thandlethis.Youhavetoturnaroundandbebackwhereit'ssafe.Butwhatifyouturnaroundandyou haveapanicattackonthewaybackhome?Thenyou'llbestuckandnoonecancomeandsaveyou.Youshouldn'thavetohavesomeonetocometoyourrescue;youshouldbeabletodothisalone.Whatifyoufindajob?Howwillyoumakeittoworkeachdayifyoucan'tevendrive7milesawayfromhome?You'renevergoingtogetthroughthis.Itwouldbebettertodiethantohavetolivewiththistherestofyourlife.You'reuselesstosocietyifthiskeepshappening...."
About 5 minutes after getting back to my house, I was completely fine. My hands and face weren't tingling anymore, my breathing was calm again, but my mind was still racing: "You'll never be able to leave the house again. What are you going to do when Lifeline starts up again? What will you do when you're needed at Most High? You're an invalid."
I sat on my couch and began to cry, thinking that I have been defeated for good. There was a part of me that wanted to just give up and be sad and put my entire life on hold and check into a mental ward, but there was also a part of me that knew that, as tired of dealing with this as I am, I still need to fight. I've been reading the Psalms quite often lately, and I think that if I were a Bible character, I would be David. David was sometimes paralyzed with fear (Psalm 143:4). David also never gave up; he continued to fight. He trusted in God as his refuge. I know that's what I need to do, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how to do that. I'm going to keep a daily (or as close to daily as I can get) log outlining how I'm approaching healing from anxiety and panic attacks. Maybe throughout this process, I'll learn how I'm trusting God as well as how I'm not trusting Him.
Today I'm starting by claiming Isaiah 41:10-12 [Amp]:
10Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.(A)
11Behold, all they who are enraged and inflamed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; they who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish.
12You shall seek those who contend with you but shall not find them; they who war against you shall be as nothing, as nothing at all.
11Behold, all they who are enraged and inflamed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; they who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish.
12You shall seek those who contend with you but shall not find them; they who war against you shall be as nothing, as nothing at all.
I love the promise that my enemy (fear) will perish and be so dead that even I look for it, I won't find it. I like The Message translation which says that my enemy won't even be a memory to me!
Keeping these things in mind, I'm going to get in my car again today; I'm going to drive down the Beltline (this is where most of the panic attacks happen) to Fulton, and then I'm going to turn around and come back. Tomorrow I'll try to go farther.
This has to stop...it just has to stop...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Releasing Control
I never thought that at 28 years old I would ever feel as helpless as I do. Two years ago, I had control of my life. I bought a house and paid my mortgage on time every month; I had just gotten a promotion at work and was in good standing; I had a great social life; I invited in and removed people from my life at my will; I was beginning to understand who I was. Little did I know how much God would makeover my life.
Out of necessity, I will be putting my house up for sale again soon; I have lost my job; I have suffered a week and a half straight with panic attacks. From the outside, it doesn't make any sense that I should be suffering any sort of anxiety. My dreams are coming true! I met the man I have been dreaming of since I was very young, and he loves me. I am spending my days taking care of the house and volunteering. I've been able to do life at my own pace, spend some more time with my dog, read books, write, spend some quality time with God...yet I'm still having panic attacks...and I've become helpless.
I've begun setting timers that remind me to eat and to breathe. I am literally retraining myself to eat and breathe. I don't spend much time alone outside of my "safety zones." I don't drive myself more than 5 minutes away from home. Yesterday, I lost all knowledge of who I am and what my purpose and value are.
I'm painting a very bleak picture of my existence, I know, but if I take a step back in my sane moments (this being one of them), I am able to see some beautiful changes taking place. It feels like I'm losing control of my life. But there is no choice in losing control. I have chosen to RELEASE control of my life. You see, two years ago, I convinced myself that I didn't need anyone. If someone offered help in moments or seasons of poverty, despair, or desperation (if I would even allow them to see it), I would reject it. I know that if I had to be alone in my life for some reason, I would be fine, but the truth that I need to accept is that God has surrounded me with people who love me and who are able to fill my life with their strength where I am weak. Who am I to shove these people, these blessings, from my life? It would be like a business owner trying to run all aspects of the business--accounting, marketing, management, sales, maintenence--on his own. The business would collapse. And I will collapse if I don't trust others to help me with certain aspects of my life.
I realize that it is no one else's responsibility but my own to keep my life running, but I am so grateful for the gifts that my friends and family willingly and lovingly and graciously bring to my life.
Out of necessity, I will be putting my house up for sale again soon; I have lost my job; I have suffered a week and a half straight with panic attacks. From the outside, it doesn't make any sense that I should be suffering any sort of anxiety. My dreams are coming true! I met the man I have been dreaming of since I was very young, and he loves me. I am spending my days taking care of the house and volunteering. I've been able to do life at my own pace, spend some more time with my dog, read books, write, spend some quality time with God...yet I'm still having panic attacks...and I've become helpless.
I've begun setting timers that remind me to eat and to breathe. I am literally retraining myself to eat and breathe. I don't spend much time alone outside of my "safety zones." I don't drive myself more than 5 minutes away from home. Yesterday, I lost all knowledge of who I am and what my purpose and value are.
I'm painting a very bleak picture of my existence, I know, but if I take a step back in my sane moments (this being one of them), I am able to see some beautiful changes taking place. It feels like I'm losing control of my life. But there is no choice in losing control. I have chosen to RELEASE control of my life. You see, two years ago, I convinced myself that I didn't need anyone. If someone offered help in moments or seasons of poverty, despair, or desperation (if I would even allow them to see it), I would reject it. I know that if I had to be alone in my life for some reason, I would be fine, but the truth that I need to accept is that God has surrounded me with people who love me and who are able to fill my life with their strength where I am weak. Who am I to shove these people, these blessings, from my life? It would be like a business owner trying to run all aspects of the business--accounting, marketing, management, sales, maintenence--on his own. The business would collapse. And I will collapse if I don't trust others to help me with certain aspects of my life.
I realize that it is no one else's responsibility but my own to keep my life running, but I am so grateful for the gifts that my friends and family willingly and lovingly and graciously bring to my life.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Weekend Plans: Live Life!
For the last three days I have been completely jobless. I have stayed at home, sleeping, cleaning, reading, spending time with God. I have also job-searched and asked God for guidance. Even though I have been learning over the last few months that God reveals His plan for my life in His own time, at His perfect pace, step by small step, in His unquestionable faithfulness, I keep finding myself asking Him, "What should I do?" What should I do?
For the last couple of months, Tom and I have been working through all the aspects of a new relationship. We've written our rule books, chastised our hearts and minds, thrown out the rule books, reasoned with our anguished hearts, souls, and spirits. We've asked God for guidance. Even though He has told us we can't do this alone, we still ask, "What should we do?"
Yesterday God laid it on my heart to pray over Tom for a renewed heart and mind. This morning, Tom told me that he didn't have to convince himself that something has changed or will change; he just knew it had changed.
That is faith at work! It's not easy, but it IS simple! Take God at his word or don't bother claiming that you trust Him at all, "...because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him" (Hebrews 11:6). I realize that's a bold thing to say, but so often we pray a desperate prayer with undertones of "Lord, if you can/want to......" If? There is no "if!"
"For NOTHING is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37).
Contrast that with Hebrews 11:6, "And without faith it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God..."
So, what should I do? I should step aside and let God work. I should praise Him in this season because he came that I might have Life and enjoy it! (John 10:10).
...and that's what I plan to do this weekend at the cabin. I'm going to risk believing that I am going to enjoy God, friends, and creation! I am going to drink up, soak in, and pour out Life!
For the last couple of months, Tom and I have been working through all the aspects of a new relationship. We've written our rule books, chastised our hearts and minds, thrown out the rule books, reasoned with our anguished hearts, souls, and spirits. We've asked God for guidance. Even though He has told us we can't do this alone, we still ask, "What should we do?"
Yesterday God laid it on my heart to pray over Tom for a renewed heart and mind. This morning, Tom told me that he didn't have to convince himself that something has changed or will change; he just knew it had changed.
That is faith at work! It's not easy, but it IS simple! Take God at his word or don't bother claiming that you trust Him at all, "...because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him" (Hebrews 11:6). I realize that's a bold thing to say, but so often we pray a desperate prayer with undertones of "Lord, if you can/want to......" If? There is no "if!"
"For NOTHING is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37).
Contrast that with Hebrews 11:6, "And without faith it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God..."
So, what should I do? I should step aside and let God work. I should praise Him in this season because he came that I might have Life and enjoy it! (John 10:10).
...and that's what I plan to do this weekend at the cabin. I'm going to risk believing that I am going to enjoy God, friends, and creation! I am going to drink up, soak in, and pour out Life!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Thoughts before bed
I have been very moody since I lost my job. My poor boyfriend can attest to this. Thank God for him, though! He's been amazing through all of it. I'm constantly humbled by his example of unconditional love. Ah, yes...I am blessed!
So, as I was saying, I've been moody. One day I'm pressing forward, searching diligently for a full-time job. The next day I'm not sure what I want. The next day, I accept whatever may come my way. The next day, I'm in full panic mode. Today, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with a lot of things...mostly myself. I never really cared that much about my job, but it's interesting to see how, little by little, over the span of 4 1/2 years, I began to define myself partially by my job. My job gradually became a product of my hard work and dedication. They couldn't deligate my job to just one person--it was distributed among 3 people. But that's beside the point. My job began to define a part of me. Now it's gone. On the one hand, that's really exciting. Now when people ask me what I do I can tell them I read and write and enjoy beauty. I spend time traveling between Grand Rapids, Port Huron, Hale, and Valparaiso in order to gather with family and friends. I barbeque most Wednesdays with Thomas, and I host a Bible study at my house on Tuesdays. I can tell them that I daydream now and can actually see some of my dreams coming true. And when people ask me what I'm going to do next, I tell them I have no idea...and I'm totally fine with that.
But then there are times when I'm not totally fine with that. I can say all those things about dreaming and doing and barbequing, but that's because right now I have a bit of a reprieve. I'm working on a project for the company for 2 more months, then I have 1 month of severance. I wonder where I'll be the day before my severance runs out. A part of me would really really like to know, but that part only wants to know if what is to know is that I'll be able to pay my bills and still have some money left over. The other part of me wants to hide and pretend like everything is just as it was and there's nothing to worry about.
I suppose both parts are important and should be given equal stage time. I really honestly truly believe that everything will be alright. I can accept that there may come a time when I won't be able to pay my bills, or that my house will go into foreclosure or that I might have to skip a couple meals a week, but again, I really honestly truly believe that none of that will happen because God feeds the birds and clothes the grass of the field (Matthew 6:28-31), so there's really no reason for me to think he wouldn't take care of me too (Matthew 6:30). So I really don't have anything to worry about. Both parts of the thought put together kind of look like faith. I think that's what this time in my life is about--developing a deeper faith. What a great opportunity!
Well, there was much more to say, but frankly it's late and I'm exhausted, so I'm ending it there.
Good night.
So, as I was saying, I've been moody. One day I'm pressing forward, searching diligently for a full-time job. The next day I'm not sure what I want. The next day, I accept whatever may come my way. The next day, I'm in full panic mode. Today, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with a lot of things...mostly myself. I never really cared that much about my job, but it's interesting to see how, little by little, over the span of 4 1/2 years, I began to define myself partially by my job. My job gradually became a product of my hard work and dedication. They couldn't deligate my job to just one person--it was distributed among 3 people. But that's beside the point. My job began to define a part of me. Now it's gone. On the one hand, that's really exciting. Now when people ask me what I do I can tell them I read and write and enjoy beauty. I spend time traveling between Grand Rapids, Port Huron, Hale, and Valparaiso in order to gather with family and friends. I barbeque most Wednesdays with Thomas, and I host a Bible study at my house on Tuesdays. I can tell them that I daydream now and can actually see some of my dreams coming true. And when people ask me what I'm going to do next, I tell them I have no idea...and I'm totally fine with that.
But then there are times when I'm not totally fine with that. I can say all those things about dreaming and doing and barbequing, but that's because right now I have a bit of a reprieve. I'm working on a project for the company for 2 more months, then I have 1 month of severance. I wonder where I'll be the day before my severance runs out. A part of me would really really like to know, but that part only wants to know if what is to know is that I'll be able to pay my bills and still have some money left over. The other part of me wants to hide and pretend like everything is just as it was and there's nothing to worry about.
I suppose both parts are important and should be given equal stage time. I really honestly truly believe that everything will be alright. I can accept that there may come a time when I won't be able to pay my bills, or that my house will go into foreclosure or that I might have to skip a couple meals a week, but again, I really honestly truly believe that none of that will happen because God feeds the birds and clothes the grass of the field (Matthew 6:28-31), so there's really no reason for me to think he wouldn't take care of me too (Matthew 6:30). So I really don't have anything to worry about. Both parts of the thought put together kind of look like faith. I think that's what this time in my life is about--developing a deeper faith. What a great opportunity!
Well, there was much more to say, but frankly it's late and I'm exhausted, so I'm ending it there.
Good night.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Interviews are dumb
It's funny...I was looking through the blogs that I follow, and no one has really written since spring came around. I guess as Midwesterners, we write in the winter and come up with things to write about in the summer. I believe I will have a lot to write about this winter :)
For right now, an update for anyone who cares to know.
I have joined 14% of Michiganders in unemployment. My official last day in my position is the 24th, then I have one month of severance, then it's off to the unemployment line! I'm not calling it unemployment, though. I'm calling it temporary early retirement :) But really, the whole situation is less dismal for me than it is for some. I have one sure thing which I can't disclose publicly at this time, and I also have an interview tomorrow morning for a credit analyst position with a company that manufactures operating room equipment. Seems like a good industry to go into at this time. And the job sounds like the challenge I've been looking for. I can't really talk about this without giving credit to my incredible man. Within an hour of getting let go from my job, he had called this company (he's a former employee) and inquired about open positions, found this job for me, and got the names of the people I needed to talk to. I drove straight from Comcast to this place (it's just down the road), talked to some people, sent my resume in that day, got a pre-interview the following week, and a face-to-face interview the week after that. So, in two weeks I've made it farther than some make it in a few months. This is so entirely a God thing! What's even better is that God has given me such peace about this whole situation. If you know me well, you know that peace in these types of situations is not something I come by easily. But I'm at the point where if I don't get this job, I'm ok with that too.
So there you have it...
For right now, an update for anyone who cares to know.
I have joined 14% of Michiganders in unemployment. My official last day in my position is the 24th, then I have one month of severance, then it's off to the unemployment line! I'm not calling it unemployment, though. I'm calling it temporary early retirement :) But really, the whole situation is less dismal for me than it is for some. I have one sure thing which I can't disclose publicly at this time, and I also have an interview tomorrow morning for a credit analyst position with a company that manufactures operating room equipment. Seems like a good industry to go into at this time. And the job sounds like the challenge I've been looking for. I can't really talk about this without giving credit to my incredible man. Within an hour of getting let go from my job, he had called this company (he's a former employee) and inquired about open positions, found this job for me, and got the names of the people I needed to talk to. I drove straight from Comcast to this place (it's just down the road), talked to some people, sent my resume in that day, got a pre-interview the following week, and a face-to-face interview the week after that. So, in two weeks I've made it farther than some make it in a few months. This is so entirely a God thing! What's even better is that God has given me such peace about this whole situation. If you know me well, you know that peace in these types of situations is not something I come by easily. But I'm at the point where if I don't get this job, I'm ok with that too.
So there you have it...
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Life Update
So, an update on my life....
I'm happy.
My life is different, but I'm not afraid (for a change).
I've managed to meet an incredible guy. Even though I've said it about every other guy I've been with recently, I'm going to say it about him too...he may actually be THE ONE. Of course I say that and at the same time I'm thinking, "Yeah, right. You've said that about all the other ones too."
But this one is different. "Aren't they all?"
But really...from beginning to the present this one is different. First of all, the night I met him I thought that he had no interest in me. In fact, he seemed very annoyed by me, so I figured I had made a horrible first impression, and therefore had nothing to lose by being completely "Alissa" in front of him. I didn't care if I impressed him or not...I was just...me:)
My "Alissaness" may have interested him a little, but according to him, it wasn't until I shared my testimony and my passion for God that he was hooked. While we took turns encouraging another friend at the table with testimonies and Bible verses, I also began to think he was pretty interesting, but shoved off any chance of ending up with a guy like this.
When the night ended, one of the girls who was hanging out with us suggested that we all exchange phone numbers. After we all exchanged phone numbers, I got in my car, put on my seat belt, and shifted into reverse when my phone rang. It was him calling from across the parking lot. I thought I had dropped something or left something at the restaurant. I picked up the phone and said, "Tom Case, why are you calling me? I'm 10 feet away." (I found out later this dashed his confidence...he had only given himself a 40% chance with me to begin with). Then he asked me something, to which I replied, "Hold on a second. I can't hear you." (My music was too loud). So he asked again, "Do you want to go out to coffee with me?" I promptly replied, "yes," and the rest is history.
The following Monday we went on our date, which I wasn't even sure was a date until about the day before. As it turns out, we didn't have coffee, but we had about the most perfect first date imaginable! We went to the state park on Lake Michigan, walked a trail to the dunes, jumped down and ran up the giant dunes, and then sat by the water during sunset and talked until the moon was bright in the sky.
Yeah...
So, here I am. Happy. Trying to enjoy "happy" but also feeling quite suspicious about it. When does everything come crashing down around me? Is it ok to feel this happy? Thankfully, I've enjoyed every moment of it, but never without that cynical voice lingering somewhere in the background.
I'll take it one moment at a time...and I'll love every second of it!
I'm happy.
My life is different, but I'm not afraid (for a change).
I've managed to meet an incredible guy. Even though I've said it about every other guy I've been with recently, I'm going to say it about him too...he may actually be THE ONE. Of course I say that and at the same time I'm thinking, "Yeah, right. You've said that about all the other ones too."
But this one is different. "Aren't they all?"
But really...from beginning to the present this one is different. First of all, the night I met him I thought that he had no interest in me. In fact, he seemed very annoyed by me, so I figured I had made a horrible first impression, and therefore had nothing to lose by being completely "Alissa" in front of him. I didn't care if I impressed him or not...I was just...me:)
My "Alissaness" may have interested him a little, but according to him, it wasn't until I shared my testimony and my passion for God that he was hooked. While we took turns encouraging another friend at the table with testimonies and Bible verses, I also began to think he was pretty interesting, but shoved off any chance of ending up with a guy like this.
When the night ended, one of the girls who was hanging out with us suggested that we all exchange phone numbers. After we all exchanged phone numbers, I got in my car, put on my seat belt, and shifted into reverse when my phone rang. It was him calling from across the parking lot. I thought I had dropped something or left something at the restaurant. I picked up the phone and said, "Tom Case, why are you calling me? I'm 10 feet away." (I found out later this dashed his confidence...he had only given himself a 40% chance with me to begin with). Then he asked me something, to which I replied, "Hold on a second. I can't hear you." (My music was too loud). So he asked again, "Do you want to go out to coffee with me?" I promptly replied, "yes," and the rest is history.
The following Monday we went on our date, which I wasn't even sure was a date until about the day before. As it turns out, we didn't have coffee, but we had about the most perfect first date imaginable! We went to the state park on Lake Michigan, walked a trail to the dunes, jumped down and ran up the giant dunes, and then sat by the water during sunset and talked until the moon was bright in the sky.
Yeah...
So, here I am. Happy. Trying to enjoy "happy" but also feeling quite suspicious about it. When does everything come crashing down around me? Is it ok to feel this happy? Thankfully, I've enjoyed every moment of it, but never without that cynical voice lingering somewhere in the background.
I'll take it one moment at a time...and I'll love every second of it!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Control Freak: How do I get from here to there??
I'm not sure when I began to think that I had to keep all my problems to myself. I used to wear myself on my sleeve, and I allowed people to minister to me. I never used to pretend that everything in my life was fine--that I was happy, that I had enough money, that I was healthy, that I was strong enough to handle things on my own, that I had it figured out, and if I didn't, I could figure it out, that everything was under control, that I was trusting God. The truth is, my friends, I have hit one of those walls in life that knocks you out and causes you to believe you may never get back up. I know the truth of my situation and my struggle--that God is above it, that He has the victory, and therefore, so do I--but that makes it no less of a struggle.
The week that Chris died I couldn't eat, so I didn't work out and I slept more during the day and less at night. So, you could say that this all came to a head the following week when everything started catching up with me. However, I can't imagine that after taking such good care of myself for so long that one week could knock me down completely. Something must have taken root in me long ago--something that drains the life from me whenever I am filled. I'm not sure what else it could be other than my constant grasping for control.
Rachel told me a while ago that she thought the control issue was the root of my anxiety. I agreed. I still do. I think I even was able to let go of control once or twice over the year. Issue solved, right????.......... The whole process of giving up control should be easy. It's so logical: I do not own my life; there are things I can't control; if I can't control them, then I'm wasting time and energy maintaining my death-grip on them; wasting time and energy is unpleasant and leads to stress, multiple panic attacks, fear of losing control; so, let go of your grip! Here's another logical statement: if you don't have control over something whether or not you hold on to it, wouldn't it be better just to let go of it? Yes! Very logical! Unfortunately, I must not have a brain or something, because that argument doesn't just seal the deal for me.
So, here I am again, or at least I think I'm here. I have suffered three panic attacks in the last week. I have taken more days off of work than I've been there and I will be taking half days for the rest of the week, partly in order to keep living my life while also having time to reflect, pray, seek God whole-heartedly, and hopefully just "be." But I'm also taking this time because I'm afraid. I'm too afraid to live life normally right now. I'm too weak. I'm too beside myself to even hear God in the noise of the familiar everyday.
I've hit a wall, been knocked out, and right now I'm having trouble getting back up. No doubt I'll stand up and walk again, but I will walk differently. Will I walk with a crutch and therefore limp for the rest of my life, or will I leap and dance and run just like the man who was healed by Jesus?
I don't want to limp for the rest of my life. But right now, I'm having trouble just standing.
How do I get from here to there?
The week that Chris died I couldn't eat, so I didn't work out and I slept more during the day and less at night. So, you could say that this all came to a head the following week when everything started catching up with me. However, I can't imagine that after taking such good care of myself for so long that one week could knock me down completely. Something must have taken root in me long ago--something that drains the life from me whenever I am filled. I'm not sure what else it could be other than my constant grasping for control.
Rachel told me a while ago that she thought the control issue was the root of my anxiety. I agreed. I still do. I think I even was able to let go of control once or twice over the year. Issue solved, right????.......... The whole process of giving up control should be easy. It's so logical: I do not own my life; there are things I can't control; if I can't control them, then I'm wasting time and energy maintaining my death-grip on them; wasting time and energy is unpleasant and leads to stress, multiple panic attacks, fear of losing control; so, let go of your grip! Here's another logical statement: if you don't have control over something whether or not you hold on to it, wouldn't it be better just to let go of it? Yes! Very logical! Unfortunately, I must not have a brain or something, because that argument doesn't just seal the deal for me.
So, here I am again, or at least I think I'm here. I have suffered three panic attacks in the last week. I have taken more days off of work than I've been there and I will be taking half days for the rest of the week, partly in order to keep living my life while also having time to reflect, pray, seek God whole-heartedly, and hopefully just "be." But I'm also taking this time because I'm afraid. I'm too afraid to live life normally right now. I'm too weak. I'm too beside myself to even hear God in the noise of the familiar everyday.
I've hit a wall, been knocked out, and right now I'm having trouble getting back up. No doubt I'll stand up and walk again, but I will walk differently. Will I walk with a crutch and therefore limp for the rest of my life, or will I leap and dance and run just like the man who was healed by Jesus?
I don't want to limp for the rest of my life. But right now, I'm having trouble just standing.
How do I get from here to there?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)